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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help- I hate our house! Causing resentment…

125 replies

Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:09

I guess I’m writing this more to vent than anything, always good to get other opinions…

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, we started as semi long distance (I was in Manchester he was in Cornwall).
He owns a house and had a long contract with his work. He currently has around 2 years left. He is all settled. I lived and worked in Manchester, rented a flat on my own, loved my city life and my friends, had my dream job. However, I was always the one that was less tied down so when we got serious (and so did covid) it made sense for me to relocate /move in with him.

His house was definitely a bachelor pad and he always said it was never for the long-term. I’ve always hated the house, the 70s lay out, how dark and dingy it is. It has many ‘bedrooms’ although some only just big enough for an actual adult sized bed. Tiny segregated downstairs communal rooms with weird nonsense corridors and vile cellar. (Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms. Heaven forbid you make a decent sized bedroom!). I feel we’ve done as much as we can to the house to improve it but I hate it and It makes me miserable everyday. I dread coming home to it and regularly find reasons to stay out longer to avoid coming home and facing the house.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for having a place to live (and own), but I can’t help feeling Abit of resentment towards my husband…

He claims there’s no point in moving now as he won’t know where his job will take him after this contract, so no point buying now if going to move in 2 years. Am I being unreasonable to think we could have sold up and moved 3 years ago when I made the move from the North, to somewhere we both liked. and then at least it might’ve been worth it ? I would happily downsize, it’s not to do with size or being luxurious etc. Instead Im in for two more long miserable years here, after which I’ll have to follow him (possibly around the country) AGAIN.

Want to try for a baby but dread the thought of navigating this house with a baby and all the required baby gear but mostly being trapped inside for so long In the early days.
Brought up selling and renting for a bit but he says it’s throwing money away, which I do understand to an extent.

I guess I am just hurt, feeling like my opinions/feelings don’t matter. Hurt that the legal fees of buying and selling always trump the strong feelings I have against the house, after I’ve been the one to do all the compromising/ relocating.

He is very practically minded and is of the mind that ‘feelings’/ ‘I don’t like it’ aren’t reasons to move if not otherwise convenient.

Are my feelings valid ?
Am I an idiot for moving in in the first place?
Is he right / Do I need to just suck it up for two years?
Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

WtahhIread · 23/07/2023 09:01

It seems quite difficult to imagine, what size are the bedrooms ? I always feel as if houses are small, that’s my issue because I grew up in an enormous house with huge rooms.

Your DH is correct about not moving, the market is so slow now it could take six months to move easily and then moving again in 18 months. Imagine that.

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 09:01

In your situation as it now is, moving could easily cause more problems than it solves so I would make the next two years all about operation buy and sell, focus on researching exactly what does make a house sell well in your area (not sure you've had good advice so far as pp have said) and cover off all the stuff that needs doing but people tend to put off. The pro active approach will help with your frustration.

It is concerning his attitude is one where your feelings weigh up as nothing in the equation of life decisions and are irrelevant in the face of practical things, I would be concerned about that, mental well being isn't nothing and tolerating something that makes you miserable indefinitely is not going to be good for mental health.
I hope your living circumstances do improve in the foreseeable so this attitude doesn't cost you dearly, it's not a great attitude and going into parenting together with that is a bit worrying.

electriclight · 23/07/2023 09:02

OP, you say you are worried whether you were an idiot to move in the first place. If you are genuinely thinking that you'd rather be back in your old life, make that happen. You don't have to stay married.

Twiglets1 · 23/07/2023 09:12

electriclight · 23/07/2023 09:02

I'm pretty sure OP knows she doesn't have to stay married. The whole situation is a lot more nuanced than you are making out, as is common where people's emotions are concerned.

SoShallINever · 23/07/2023 09:13

Moving house is so stressful and I'm guessing that he will have lots of exams coming up.
You could use the house like a hotel and pretend you are on holiday!
I'd look at buying myself a camper van to get out as much as possible. Also how about spending more time at the gym and eating out as much as you can?
Invite friends to stay.
Get into gardening? Things that you can grow for your next home.
Our first home was a 70's bungalow that I hated. We extended, changed the layout and I loved it!

Batalax · 23/07/2023 09:13

It sounds quite a big house. Could you break even if you rent that out and then rent a smaller, nicer place for yourselves.

Batalax · 23/07/2023 09:15

Or maybe buy a smaller house suitable for long term use as a holiday home, that you could keep when you move?

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 23/07/2023 09:16

I'd be knocking some walls down between rooms. I'd rather have three good sized bedrooms than 5 or 6 small rooms that fit literally nothing more than a bed.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/07/2023 09:23

Is there just one room that is ok that you could make more special so it’s sort of you ‘sanctuary’ whilst still living there?

SoftSheen · 23/07/2023 09:26

I think that he is right and that you should wait 2 years, and then buy a house that you are both happy with for the long term.

In the meantime, see if you can redecorate, do the garden and perhaps upgrade the kitchen/bathrooms, which might make you happier and should also add to the value of the house.

Pipsquiggle · 23/07/2023 09:26

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 23/07/2023 09:16

I'd be knocking some walls down between rooms. I'd rather have three good sized bedrooms than 5 or 6 small rooms that fit literally nothing more than a bed.

@NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach
But there's literally no point in spending thousands on it when they will be moving in 2 years.

OP has already said they are at the ceiling selling price unless they spend thousands on structural stuff.

The next owner can do that if they wish

LakieLady · 23/07/2023 09:26

DrSbaitso · 23/07/2023 07:52

Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms.

Is that always the case? When the rooms are so small and shit and you'd actually have more space if you knocked them through?

I agree.

A house with lots of small rooms won't be as easy to sell, imo, especially small living/dining rooms (bedrooms not so much, as more bedrooms will appeal to larger families and not necessarily put off smaller families).

Does the layout lend itself to taking down a wall to create a more spacious kitchen/diner? That wouldn't necessarily be very expensive, and could make it feel a lot more spacious and brighter.

MsNevertherefirst · 23/07/2023 09:27

electriclight · 23/07/2023 09:00

MsNevertherefirst, I read that to mean that he thinks 'feelings' shouldn't be the main consideration when deciding whether to sell their house now, when there are other far more pragmatic considerations.

OP says her opinions and feelings don’t matter, and that practical considerations are paramount. It might be about this now, but it seems likely this situation is just manifesting his attitude to her and her role in the relationship. And this will just recur. And it’s not a good sign, is it, to be feeling that you don’t matter so early on in a relationship?

it seems unlikely that this behaviour will be limited to just one incident, and that everything will be co-operative and equal in the decades that follow.

Ep1cfail · 23/07/2023 09:29

Don't stay with so.eone who doesn't give a shit about your feelings. If you are unhappy move. Don't have z baby with him and further tie yourself to him.

FlamingoQueen · 23/07/2023 09:34

Buy a home magazine and spend time planning for your new home and like you said, give your current home a fresh lick of paint - even just in one room will make you feel better.
Personally, I would be on Rightmove, looking at all the different areas in the country so if you do move you will already have an idea of nice places to move to around the big cities (or towns etc). I love Rightmove!!

FrancescaContini · 23/07/2023 09:37

I’m sorry to hear that you have given up so much for a relationship.

Twiglets1 · 23/07/2023 09:37

FlamingoQueen · 23/07/2023 09:34

So do I - looking at houses on Rightmove is my not so secret addiction

Iknowthis1 · 23/07/2023 09:45

"He claims there’s no point in moving now"

The point is so you're not miserable.

I understand exactly what you're saying. Some of us are very effected by our surroundings and it can have a massive effect on our mental state.

I'd be reluctant to bring a baby into the current situation where you being miserable isn't of concern to him. Things get more difficult after a baby.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 23/07/2023 09:45

Tbh, It’s not a great time to move atm, or even to do major construction work. Stick it out a bit longer. I’d love to see the floor plan of your house though, I’m another one addicted to seeing what it possible to do with a house. Maybe make a deal with him that in two years, that the next house YOU need to be 100% happy with. And have fun for now, browsing and deciding what style of home would work for you and your future family.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/07/2023 09:48

I feel for you, but everything he said is true, it would be bonkers to move now. I would focus on your next house in two years and maybe draw a line under it by saying to your DH ‘I know you know I hate this house. I literally dread coming home to it, so just putting it out there, that in two years time when you get relocated I’m going all out on the house. I want a really beautiful home after giving up my lovely Manchester life for this horrid house.’ Depending on your age, I wouldn't necessarily wait until you leave that house to start trying for a baby.

Tadpolle · 23/07/2023 09:50

If this was happening with me DP and me I would suggest this plan:

Get a range of rental agencies to assess the ants nest house and give us a quote for their services and the rental income we could expect. Choose the best rental agency that we felt we could trust the most.

Use the rental income figure and other factors from our financial situation to set out budget to start searching for a rented home for the next 2 years. I would love this and find it an awesome adventure.

I would either choose somewhere really child unfriendly one last time as the next house will need to be a family home. Top floor flat with a view.. City centre near all the arts and restaurants.. tiny quirky cottage... flat at the seaside. Exciting! OR if you are ready to try for a baby straight away (also exciting!) choose an easy, neat, comfortable practical rental house for your first home with a baby. Near a park, some cafes, quiet street. Also lovely.

All preferable to putting up and shutting up for 2 MORE years.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/07/2023 09:51

I wouldn't be trying for a baby in a house you hate so much. Don't think thats a good idea. Start slowly planning the next move, keep reminding your DH that it's going to happen just in case he's one of those who doesn't like change. Remember, you matter just as much as he does. Even if he is a consultant 😉

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2023 09:56

So I guess just wondering, when does it become ‘worth it’?

you'd have to ask your husband that question - is it worth risking his marriage and the unhappiness of his wife over bricks and mortar ?

OCDmama · 23/07/2023 10:02

We sold our flat after having a baby and moved into a rented house. The flat just didn't work for our new family.

We don't see it as throwing money away - we say it was one of the best decisions we ever made. We just had an offer accepted on a house, so are getting back on the property ladder.

2bazookas · 23/07/2023 10:08

You knew the house well, long before you agreed to move in because of covid.

The pandemic rules made selling and buying property far harder, so that would have been a poor time to put it on the market.

Your social life in Manchester that you miss so much was seriously disrupted by the pandemic anyway. That was one of the reasons you moved inwith him, remember?

DH is right, it makes no financial sense to buy/sell now , so close to the end of his contract/ an unknown future relocation.

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