Help- I hate our house! Causing resentment…

[Lilpop90]

I guess I’m writing this more to vent than anything, always good to get other opinions…

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, we started as semi long distance (I was in Manchester he was in Cornwall).
He owns a house and had a long contract with his work. He currently has around 2 years left. He is all settled. I lived and worked in Manchester, rented a flat on my own, loved my city life and my friends, had my dream job. However, I was always the one that was less tied down so when we got serious (and so did covid) it made sense for me to relocate /move in with him.

His house was definitely a bachelor pad and he always said it was never for the long-term. I’ve always hated the house, the 70s lay out, how dark and dingy it is. It has many ‘bedrooms’ although some only just big enough for an actual adult sized bed. Tiny segregated downstairs communal rooms with weird nonsense corridors and vile cellar. (Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms. Heaven forbid you make a decent sized bedroom!). I feel we’ve done as much as we can to the house to improve it but I hate it and It makes me miserable everyday. I dread coming home to it and regularly find reasons to stay out longer to avoid coming home and facing the house.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for having a place to live (and own), but I can’t help feeling Abit of resentment towards my husband…

He claims there’s no point in moving now as he won’t know where his job will take him after this contract, so no point buying now if going to move in 2 years. Am I being unreasonable to think we could have sold up and moved 3 years ago when I made the move from the North, to somewhere we both liked. and then at least it might’ve been worth it ? I would happily downsize, it’s not to do with size or being luxurious etc. Instead Im in for two more long miserable years here, after which I’ll have to follow him (possibly around the country) AGAIN.

Want to try for a baby but dread the thought of navigating this house with a baby and all the required baby gear but mostly being trapped inside for so long In the early days.
Brought up selling and renting for a bit but he says it’s throwing money away, which I do understand to an extent.

I guess I am just hurt, feeling like my opinions/feelings don’t matter. Hurt that the legal fees of buying and selling always trump the strong feelings I have against the house, after I’ve been the one to do all the compromising/ relocating.

He is very practically minded and is of the mind that ‘feelings’/ ‘I don’t like it’ aren’t reasons to move if not otherwise convenient.

Are my feelings valid ?
Am I an idiot for moving in in the first place?
Is he right / Do I need to just suck it up for two years?
Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

Thanks for reading!

Am I being unreasonable to think we could have sold up and moved 3 years ago when I made the move from the North

Yes, you are. Three years ago we were in mid-pandemic and you really couldn't have sold up easily.

I do sympathise and it's shit that it always seems like it's the woman who has to uproot her life. Somehow it always seems to make more sense that way doesn't it? The root of your anger may be linked to bigger issues.

However, you are where you are, and that being the case, I don't think it makes sense to move now only to have to move again in 2 years, not at a time when house prices are falling or at best, stagnating.

I think it might be better to start having conversations about how when you do eventually move in 2 years, you expect to have a bigger final say than him in the sort of house you move to. Because you have been the one compromising for all these years for his sake.

Agree with what pp have said - having fewer rooms does not necessarily reduce value if all those rooms are so small as to be barely usable. Who wants a bedroom you can only get a bed in?

I sympathise- tricky situation but I think 2 years will go quickly especially if you’re pregnant and have a new born in that time.

id be looking at cheap and cheerful ways to improve the space. It’s not for long term so I would honestly try brighter colours and fun designs

is there a garden? Could you buy some garden furniture?

could you buy some million watt bulbs for a dark hall and paint it a really vivid colour?

I think it is a bigger issue than just ‘the house’ in that you’ve left an independent life you’d built up to compromise to fit in with his career / life direction and this is hard for anyone. I’d speak to him and explain that you want commitment to 100% buy a house of both your choice in two years. Then I’d explain you are bearing with the existing house for this time period but want him to understand how much of a compromise you are making. Houses / our sense of home is emotive - your feelings are valid. If he can’t give you the guarantee he’ll buy in two years taking your wishes into equal consideration then I’d seriously wonder if I was an equal partner in this relationship and how happy I’d really be going forward.

What is screaming out at me and I'm surprised that no one is picking up on is that you are the one who has done all of the compromising in this relationship. You moved to be with him. You're putting up with a horrible house that he wants. You're the one that's going to need to move again when he moves jobs. What compromises and sacrifices has he had to make for the relationship?

Have you discussed children and what would happen then? Would you be the one expected to sacrifice your career while he has the 'big job'? Tread carefully.

I was the one who also compromised in my relationship with DC father. All it caused was simmering resentment that got a million times worse when the kids arrived.

I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable. You have made a big compromise, and where you live makes such a difference to your quality of life. I do think that if the next move is going to be a big one, it might be better to focus on saving money and making sure that house is your dream/long-term house. In the meantime is there really nothing you can do to make the current place better? I wouldn't worry about knocking down walls, they can always be reinstated by future buyers. If it makes your house better to live in for the next few years it might be worth it. Or could you rent it out so that you have some income and rent somewhere else that suits you better? I wouldn't worry about a property values going down, I really don't think they are due to a massive population growth and inflation. There is a slight softening in the market at the moment because of the interest rate issue but I think that is temporary.

OP already knows that

Not once in your op do you talk about your marriage and how you feel about him

Not read thread, but you need to stop focusing on the house and instead focus on the underlying problems in the relationship ( the house situation is just a product of those).

You H expects you to fit into how he has organized his life. You state that your feelings and opinions don’t matter. And that, worryingly, he explicitly thinks feelings about something aren’t important.

Your life with this man will repeat with hurt over situations like this.

Do no have children with this man. Co-parenting requires co-understanding and empathy. It requires working constructively together.

Do not have children with this man. Children require someone who understand their feelings, and that their feelings are important to them.

From what you said in your OP, trying to raise a family with this man will destroy you.

Yes this was really naive.

If you improve the layout and decor that will increase the value. It’s not all about number of bedrooms particularly if some are too small to be useful.

That said, with building costs sky high atm now is not the time to be undertaking renovation projects on a house you will be leaving.

Yes, this is what struck me. I think the house is symbolic of all of the OP’s sacrifices, and his lack of any. I think some posters are giving the husband a free pass because he’s a medic about to become a consultant, but to me, it doesn’t matter what he does for a living, there needs to be give and take on both sides and there isn’t.

Apply to go on George Clarke's ugly house to lovely house.
They employ a guest architect to create a new layout and theme and then oversee the work. There have been some amazing results.

@Followwill the OP didn't have to compromise anything, as a free, independent adult she chose to. Blaming others for choices you've made is the sign of a weak

..person.

Agree. Both that layout is more important than number of bedrooms if some bedrooms aren't proper ones. But also that now is not the time to bother with a renovation project which will just bring more stress to @Lilpop90

Better that they focus on positive things - looking ahead to moving and the sort of house they really want in the future.

Presumably because her only concern is the house she hates. People do tend to post the question they want answering.

Does he listen to how you feel at all?

Lots of pp talking about all the compromises op has had to make but, unless there was a gun to her head, she chose to make them.

She left friends and her dream job, but may have acquired new friends and a new job in the seven years that she's been in Cornwall.

She also gained 50% significant equity in a house.

I can't see what her dh has done wrong really. He's part way through a medical qualification and owned a house, so far harder to uproot. I don't think he tricked her.

Sorry, three years.

If you make a big sacrifice though, in a healthy relationship, the other person recognizes that, is grateful, and say and does things to show it. Relationships are reciprocal like that.

A relationship where one person sacrifices and the other just thinks ‘that’s how it should be’ is a very one-sided and unhealthy relationship.

2 years will go so quickly! I sold, moved into rented supposedly for a year and only found somewhere and moved after over 2!

I would use this time to declutter and make it more appealing for selling. Sort out the yard, pack away sentimentals, that kind of thing.

Selling even without a chain is not quick.

Yes, I agree. It's futile looking back at passed decisions but project yourself forward and imagine uprooting every few years but with children in tow. At the moment you want to move but what when you don't. Essentially you're with a man who's priority is his job. You've tried it and it hasn't worked. Cut your loses, show him you're serious and getvyoyr own place. This might shock him into action but most likely he'll be annoyed and at best offer a half hearted compromise. What does family life look like to you?

According to OP he think feelings about things are unimportant. That’s going to cause a whole lot of wrong, especially if kids come along.

understanding and caring about your partner’s feelings is pretty much the foundation relationships are built on.

MsNevertherefirst, I read that to mean that he thinks 'feelings' shouldn't be the main consideration when deciding whether to sell their house now, when there are other far more pragmatic considerations.