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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help- I hate our house! Causing resentment…

125 replies

Lilpop90 · 21/07/2023 01:09

I guess I’m writing this more to vent than anything, always good to get other opinions…

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, we started as semi long distance (I was in Manchester he was in Cornwall).
He owns a house and had a long contract with his work. He currently has around 2 years left. He is all settled. I lived and worked in Manchester, rented a flat on my own, loved my city life and my friends, had my dream job. However, I was always the one that was less tied down so when we got serious (and so did covid) it made sense for me to relocate /move in with him.

His house was definitely a bachelor pad and he always said it was never for the long-term. I’ve always hated the house, the 70s lay out, how dark and dingy it is. It has many ‘bedrooms’ although some only just big enough for an actual adult sized bed. Tiny segregated downstairs communal rooms with weird nonsense corridors and vile cellar. (Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms. Heaven forbid you make a decent sized bedroom!). I feel we’ve done as much as we can to the house to improve it but I hate it and It makes me miserable everyday. I dread coming home to it and regularly find reasons to stay out longer to avoid coming home and facing the house.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for having a place to live (and own), but I can’t help feeling Abit of resentment towards my husband…

He claims there’s no point in moving now as he won’t know where his job will take him after this contract, so no point buying now if going to move in 2 years. Am I being unreasonable to think we could have sold up and moved 3 years ago when I made the move from the North, to somewhere we both liked. and then at least it might’ve been worth it ? I would happily downsize, it’s not to do with size or being luxurious etc. Instead Im in for two more long miserable years here, after which I’ll have to follow him (possibly around the country) AGAIN.

Want to try for a baby but dread the thought of navigating this house with a baby and all the required baby gear but mostly being trapped inside for so long In the early days.
Brought up selling and renting for a bit but he says it’s throwing money away, which I do understand to an extent.

I guess I am just hurt, feeling like my opinions/feelings don’t matter. Hurt that the legal fees of buying and selling always trump the strong feelings I have against the house, after I’ve been the one to do all the compromising/ relocating.

He is very practically minded and is of the mind that ‘feelings’/ ‘I don’t like it’ aren’t reasons to move if not otherwise convenient.

Are my feelings valid ?
Am I an idiot for moving in in the first place?
Is he right / Do I need to just suck it up for two years?
Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

GoodVibesHere · 23/07/2023 07:22

Are you in a position to take some weekend mini-breaks to get you away from the house? Maybe visiting different parts of the UK. The change of scenery could help you, plus when he then applies for a consultant role it might help you to know where in the UK you would/wouldn't want to live.

Apologies if mini-breaks aren't feasible I know these things are costly but I just thought it might help to get away a bit.

BHRK · 23/07/2023 07:26

I would absolutely stay as it makes no sense to move but I do think you need to tell your partner how unhappy the house makes you and that you need a commitment from him that when he accepts a consultant post, you are buying a new house. Don’t let him dither, he needs to know staying isn’t an option.

Turnthelightoff · 23/07/2023 07:29

Would he be starting a new job in 2 years or beginning the application process? Just trying to see if it’s less than 2 years until you’d be able to start the selling process. I also agree with the idea of getting it ready to sell and yourselves ready to move by doing little bits of work and decluttering.

Dressingandimpressing · 23/07/2023 07:36

This sound like a case for Kirstie & Phil’s Love it or List it!
I agree with past posters - don’t know why you think less rooms will devalue, if the layout doesn’t work then that surely devalues the property in itself? 2 years isn’t long in the scheme of things but I totally understand it is if you’re unhappy on a daily basis.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 23/07/2023 07:40

My mums detached sea view property say for nearly a year and had insulting offers on it and two failed mortgage applications before she sold it to we buy any house so be ready for delays

OhwhyOY · 23/07/2023 07:43

How many bedrooms does it have? I ask because my ILs have been advised by multiple estate agents that knocking through two of their small bedrooms in their house (making 4 rooms into 2) will add value. If there's fewer than 5 bedrooms I guess that perhaps isn't the case as e.g. a 4 bed house is potentially worth more than a 3 bed (though its only worth what someone will pay, so if it's a weird warren it might make it more attractive to a wider range of buyers if it had fewer, larger rooms and thus push the price up anyway?).

Cheesusisgrate · 23/07/2023 07:51

I agree withothers to stick it out. You can so make it comfy for very little.
I moved in from abroad so was used to bigger rooms, higher ceilings (my family pointed out that my house wouldn't get most likely sign off in there due to low ceilingsand that was juat standard) and it felt bit claustrophobic, so I always made the most with light colours on walls, brighter on furniahings and small lights in corners. Smart plugs are god send for these! Plants near windows etc. Pothos does well in darkish placea as well.

I think I know the type of house you are talking about so can see why you are unhappy, but 2 years will fly by!

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 07:51

You could have left out all the paragraphs except for the 3rd one. You need an editor.

DrSbaitso · 23/07/2023 07:52

Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms.

Is that always the case? When the rooms are so small and shit and you'd actually have more space if you knocked them through?

DrSbaitso · 23/07/2023 07:53

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 07:51

You could have left out all the paragraphs except for the 3rd one. You need an editor.

Thank God you're here.

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 07:54

Sorry, I meant to also say I can relate, it’s awful to live in a house you can’t stand. I think you should move asap to a house you like, not stick it out for years.

Cheesusisgrate · 23/07/2023 07:55

Re bedrooms, houses in uk are proced on bedrooms, BUT if 2 barely fit bed , it can actually add to desirebility to knock them together. Same with weird tiny rooms and corridors downstairs. So while it would then be 3 bed, comlared to similar builds it would be 3 larger bedrooms for example, which would gain more interest than 2 and 2 basically storage rooms.

I always moan houses should be valued per m2 rather than "bedrooms" 🙄 what good is 70m2 4bed if some bedrooms are useless compared to 70m2 3bed with actual usable space.

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 07:55

DrSbaitso · 23/07/2023 07:53

Thank God you're here.

Show quote history

You’re very welcome.

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 07:58

DrSbaitso · 23/07/2023 07:52

Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms.

Is that always the case? When the rooms are so small and shit and you'd actually have more space if you knocked them through?

She’s going to hate the house anyway, it will still be an ugly house. Not worth the trouble.

Move to a house you like, Op.

hellosally · 23/07/2023 08:00

have you thought about Feng Shui ?it sounds flippant and I didnt believe in it myself until I experienced a really good consultant who changed the feel of my house with a few small things dramatically-you can get online consults quite cheaply

purplehair1 · 23/07/2023 08:02

I’d be knocking some walls down. Never convinced by estate agent ‘rules’. Aren’t potential buyers going to be as put off by the dark, tiny rooms as you are? Might as well make it into a home you are happy to live in.

Hollyhead · 23/07/2023 08:05

Another one desperate for a floor plan however crude! I’ve never seen a house like you’re describing!

Pipsquiggle · 23/07/2023 08:06

Hi OP.

You need to stick it out I'm afraid. It really doesn't make financial sense to sell before that point. Being flexible on location when your DH goes for a consultant role will be so advantageous.

My brother actually moved to Manchester from London to get that promotion and has stayed there since.

You need to spend this time making it crystal clear that you will not spend a moment longer in this house than is needed. Do your due diligence now - best estate agents, doing the garden, making sure it looks like a show home etc.

Birdsmakingnests · 23/07/2023 08:07

What stands out to me, you refer many times to the “house.”
At no point do you refer to it as a home.
This speaks volumes, it is clear you have no attachment to it.

vickylou78 · 23/07/2023 08:08

I would look into knocking a wall through down stairs as surely having small rooms downstairs doesn't increase the value of her one that's more open plan? Also if the bedrooms are very small you may be better having less but more spacious bedrooms.

electriclight · 23/07/2023 08:08

Well he's right isn't he? Why spend £££ on moving now when you will almost certainly be doing it all again in two years, especially with the housing market as it is right now.

In two years you'll be choosing and buying together, and grateful to this awful house for increasing in value and propelling you up the housing ladder.

I think I could put up with a house I didn't like in those circumstances tbh.

Pipsquiggle · 23/07/2023 08:13

I really wouldn't knock down walls unless you were going to stay there a long time.

In our last house, we did all that we could without investing thousands into it, it was a 5 year house to us as well. It was pretty obvious what you could do with it and that was part of the selling schtick that was used by our estate agent.

The people who bought it from us did the renovations and made it into a lovely home.

It sounds like you are in a similar situation, there's no point in you investing thousands to make it a decent home - the next owner will do that

mjf981 · 23/07/2023 08:20

To be honest, you sounds a bit whiny. You live in a beautiful part of the world, in a house which has massive equity. You're young (child bearing age(, and in a (happy?) relationship with someone who has an excellent career ahead of him. Look at the positives, and as others have said, plan your life 2+ years in a advance and look torwards that, including getting the house ready for the market.
Plenty would love to trade places with you.

helpfulperson · 23/07/2023 08:21

how does he feel about the house? Given he bought it perhaps he really likes it. It sounds a fun layout to me.

Ohpleeeease · 23/07/2023 08:24

I agree 2 years will fly, especially as the last four to five months will be all about your onward move.

I don’t agree that fewer rooms reduces the value, it depends on how you reconfigure them. Seventies houses are great in many ways, I’ve seen loads with amazing makeovers. Do some research, you might be inspired!

This isn’t your forever home so you might need to suck it up for a bit longer, but make sure you have plenty of say in your next one. The advantage of living where you do is you now know what doesn’t work for you, that’s very handy knowledge to have.

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