Help- I hate our house! Causing resentment…

[Lilpop90]

I guess I’m writing this more to vent than anything, always good to get other opinions…

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, we started as semi long distance (I was in Manchester he was in Cornwall).
He owns a house and had a long contract with his work. He currently has around 2 years left. He is all settled. I lived and worked in Manchester, rented a flat on my own, loved my city life and my friends, had my dream job. However, I was always the one that was less tied down so when we got serious (and so did covid) it made sense for me to relocate /move in with him.

His house was definitely a bachelor pad and he always said it was never for the long-term. I’ve always hated the house, the 70s lay out, how dark and dingy it is. It has many ‘bedrooms’ although some only just big enough for an actual adult sized bed. Tiny segregated downstairs communal rooms with weird nonsense corridors and vile cellar. (Makes no sense to knock them through as the value of the house goes down with fewer rooms. Heaven forbid you make a decent sized bedroom!). I feel we’ve done as much as we can to the house to improve it but I hate it and It makes me miserable everyday. I dread coming home to it and regularly find reasons to stay out longer to avoid coming home and facing the house.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for having a place to live (and own), but I can’t help feeling Abit of resentment towards my husband…

He claims there’s no point in moving now as he won’t know where his job will take him after this contract, so no point buying now if going to move in 2 years. Am I being unreasonable to think we could have sold up and moved 3 years ago when I made the move from the North, to somewhere we both liked. and then at least it might’ve been worth it ? I would happily downsize, it’s not to do with size or being luxurious etc. Instead Im in for two more long miserable years here, after which I’ll have to follow him (possibly around the country) AGAIN.

Want to try for a baby but dread the thought of navigating this house with a baby and all the required baby gear but mostly being trapped inside for so long In the early days.
Brought up selling and renting for a bit but he says it’s throwing money away, which I do understand to an extent.

I guess I am just hurt, feeling like my opinions/feelings don’t matter. Hurt that the legal fees of buying and selling always trump the strong feelings I have against the house, after I’ve been the one to do all the compromising/ relocating.

He is very practically minded and is of the mind that ‘feelings’/ ‘I don’t like it’ aren’t reasons to move if not otherwise convenient.

Are my feelings valid ?
Am I an idiot for moving in in the first place?
Is he right / Do I need to just suck it up for two years?
Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

Thanks for reading!

Lots of HMO's, student lets , Air BNB's. Anybody who wants cheap temporary accommodation.

Yes, rent it out and rent another house to live in for two years, this would also make you a lot more flexible when DH new location is known because you can just rent there initially while the owned house gets sold, then buy once you know the area and the commute better and which part you want to live in.

A student let with no room for a wardrobe or desk is bugger all use.

How often will you have to move because of his job? If it’s every few years would you be better to rent out a house that you own and then rent somewhere to live, that way it’s not a waste of money as you’re still building up equity on the house you rent out. How else do you get out of the situation you’re currently in?

If you don’t need to keep moving every few years then wait 2 years and buy a longer term home then, or rent out your current house for 2 years and rent somewhere for 2 years. Life is too short to be unhappy for another 2 years.

I hope your husband realises that you gave up a very happy life to come and live with him and therefore needs to compromise on his ideal living situation also. Marriage is about give and take and compromise. If either one of you is desperately unhappy (which you sound like you are) then that’s a one way road to depression and/or divorce.

This is what I was trying to say except I waffled over 3 paragraphs for some reason.

Do this!

How old are you OP? I'm thinking about TTC. I think you are right to be concerned about being stuck inside more somewhere where you feel miserable. But I wonder if time might not be on your side so waiting 2 years could be risky.

As someone who has just moved from a house I hated to a house I love I would say you can't underestimate the effect on you of living somewhere you hate. I'm so much happier & everything is so much better. At the same time there's no point in looking back at what you should have done 3 years ago - realistically that was during covid lockdown & buying a house was far from easy then. 2 years is a long time to put up with it. You're a partnership so should have equal say, nor sure why he is calling all the shots?

I agree with posting a floor plan.
Also with the pp who said that two years isn’t long, and to prepare the house for sale, think of it as a project.
Really that time will whizz by, even more so if you get pregnant. Spend the time until then reassessing the floor plan, maybe opening up a couple of rooms will change the whole feel of the house. You could get an architect in to have a look at it with fresh eyes, and also people on here will have some great ideas. Room by room - Make one sitting room first and then your bedroom as nice as you can for yourself, so that you do have spaces that you like. Let go of any “we should have done xyz” resentment, and think of how to best enjoy the space for the next two years, and how to make it look appealing to sell.
Most people are not in a house they love when first starting out, there are always constraints and compromises, your next house might be the one you want to be in forever. So look forward to that and plan accordingly.

In the whole scheme of things, 2 years really is short term.

You met him when he had the house and you still decided to go and live in it.

I think you should suck it up until his contract ends and then make the move.

It doesn’t sound like you are clued up about the high cost of moving/solicitors. Why would you potentially do it twice??

The other fact is that the market is bad at the moment, and it could take you months to sell it anyway. Just imagine moving and then 2 month’s after that having to move again because of his job?

You made your bed, but you don’t like lying in it very much and personally I think you need to put on a business head.

Cornwall is beautiful- why don’t you make the most of that whilst you are there?

Time will soon flyby.

But that place isn't going to be somewhere you choose is it?

What strikes me is that you have lost control over how you live your life.

Why not plan for the move - if his job is far away, you'll want to sell with reasonable speed, otherwise it's an inconvenience.
Get 2 or 3 local EA round to quote 'with a view to putting it on the market early next year' and ask their recommendations for what improvements would enable a quicker sale/add to value.
Then look at the costs for said improvements, and tackle those that would give best value for money. Might just be simple as sorting out the first impressions view of the front of the house) or something more costly but has benefits for you eg improving the insulation (cutting your winter fuel bill and improving EPC).

2 years is nothing in the overall scheme of things, given half that time you'll be planning the sale - so start it now, make sure you're decluttered and the house is 'staged' as best you can before you need to go live with a sale.

OP, you knew the house before you moved in. Did you discuss and agree that you would only move in on condition he sold it?
You found him okay in his bachelor pad and to make it as if it’s a dungeon, risks indirectly criticising him and his taste. Granted, you don’t like the house, but you also need to look at the bigger picture and what the two of you are hoping to achieve in life. He comes across as sensible and most posters seem to be in agreement with his instincts. To interpret that as a disregard for your feelings and views is unreasonable.

What if he had been the one to relocate to your beloved Manchester, and start saying and don’t like your house or friends or whatever, and you held a different view.

Don’t let your dislike of this piece of brick-and-mortar spoil your relationship!
Please OP, Life and relationship are bigger than a house - however nice. Keep things in perspective and cherish him and your relationship. This ‘coulda, shoulda have sold 3 years ago…etc is unhelpful. You didn’t - forget it, move on. Keep Compliment ing your husband on what he has achieved and continue to be supportive. You will be surprised at what that will do to your relationship and his readiness to move to your dream house.
If you keep going on about your hatred for the house, you will drain and wary him, and ultimately drive a wedge between the two of you.

It seems strange that you despise your house as it currently is, but think you have to preserve it exactly like that to maximise your sale price. Surely buyers will just hate the tiny rooms as much as you will?

I'd be making at least one decent sized kitchen, living room and bedroom no matter how many smaller rooms I had to knock into each other to do that. Does your husband dislike disruption at home and has therefore convinced you that it doesn't make sense to improve the layout?

This is why they shouldn't spend thousands on knocking down walls.
They will be leaving in 2 years. Let the next owner reconfigure it to how they would like

Most of what you’re saying is not unreasonable but I would say don’t think about the past and what you ‘should have’ said or done, the past is the past and you are in this house now.
I’m an extremely impatient person so I’d be the same as you about wanting to move but it really does sound like it’s best to wait the time out in this house, it’ll fly by! Renting elsewhere would be wasting money.

Yes, I think you are both spot on. I didn’t include the medic part in the main post as I didn’t feel it was particularly relevant. As expected people have acted like I should be grateful for a soon-to-be consultant husband. (Of course, I am incredibly proud of him.)
I am actually the higher earner by about 30% (again not that it should be relevant). It just so happened that I wasn’t the one tied into an 8 year contract so had flexibility.
I think you are also right about the house being symbolic of the compromises from my side.

To those saying I should leave him or that he’ll never care for my feelings/I should not have children, are a tad extreme. I didn’t mention anything about the relationship more generally because other than occasional butting heads about selling the house, everything is pretty great, which I think is why I find it difficult that we don’t agree on this one thing.
Being 38, I don’t have the luxury of being able to wait a while for TTC! We will likely
both go part time if successful to share in the childcare (his idea!) which I think is great and shows he is willing to compromise.

Very grateful for all the comments and suggestions. Perhaps I have been a little whiny, but that’s what AIBU is all about, to see if you are infact unreasonable… Turns out I might be! But hey ho, one can’t always be right! So time for an attitude adjustment…

We’ve had a long chat this weekend about what will make it more tolerable but won’t cost the earth and have decided on the following:

1. Focus the next 2 years on getting super-duper market ready (MN suggestion)
2. Installing some spot lights in the darkest parts of the house, which I think will make a big difference to the darkness and make it a bit more mod!
3. Get a few more estate agents over and get their opinion on other work needed. (MN suggestion)
4. work on the garden/ kerb appeal (MN suggestion)
5. Downstairs loo makeover!
6. Turn one spare bedroom into a little sanctuary- I’m thinking dressing room… (MN suggestion)

DH has reassures me that the next place will be both of our choice, and I do believe him, so I will wait it out with a fresh attitude and paintbrush in hand!
Thanks everyone!

because other than occasional butting heads about selling the house, everything is pretty great, which I think is why I find it difficult that we don’t agree on this one thing.

and yet you start a thread on mumsnet where in your OP you say it’s making me miserable every day and you often delay coming home to avoid it.

being miserable “everyday” isn’t “an occasional butting heads” OP

I dread coming home

op - that’s more than an occasional “butting heads” and indicates a very negative marriage tbh

I dread coming home to the house, not my husband! And although I dislike the house daily, I don’t bring the subject up daily, so it is an occasional butting of heads.
I’ve got some good ideas from MN about positive changes I can make and will be implementing them. The thread has actually helped gain some perspective, so it’s been a worthwhile exercise.

Yes but to say it’s making you “miserable everyday” and to “dread coming home”

how happy can the marriage be when one party is so resentful and the other so…. Ignorant of his partners suffering or not bothered

I guess I am just hurt, feeling like my opinions/feelings don’t matter. Hurt that the legal fees of buying and selling always trump the strong feelings I have against the house, after I’ve been the one to do all the compromising/ relocating.

despite knowing all this - he says basically suck it up.

Yes, and that is a bit crap. But alot of people here seem to agree to just do the two years as he’s right that is doesn’t make financial sense. Of course it hurts to feel not listened to, but I think MN posters are right, it is actually not the best time/ right financial decision to move. As someone who is more lead by emotions than practicalities, I think It was helpful to have it confirmed by so many others that it’s not the right time and the market is not great. But thanks for making me feel not crazy for having these feelings!

OP are you trying for a baby? You do need to be seriously thinking about it given your age - but I guess you know that. Please don't let where you are living now put you off trying now.

FYI - when DC1 was born, we rented a small flat, not great for a family, we moved out when he was around 2. It was fine and helped us save for a deposit but glad when we got a bit more space more suitable for a toddler.

Yes we also spoke about it this weekend along with the house chat and are going to try next cycle. That way if it happens soon, we will be putting house on the market when future child is due. If it takes a while, hopefully will be out of here!
Thanks for your positivity- really appreciate it!

Good luck OP you’d better get a shift on if you want kids. Two of my friends were already infertile @ 38.