To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

Some very odd views on here.

The MIL is behaving poorly. She's been treated terribly but wanting to you pass on abusive messages, giving ultimatums and making your children cry with her behaviour is not acceptable.

You all need consistent boundaries with her and tough love.

Well said.

Did you say it’s been 6 months? Because that’s a drop in the ocean in time.similar happened to my DB after 25 year marriage and they agreed to just one of them got to go to wedding etc for the sake of the children-and it was t my DB that cheated either but his wife with his best friend! It’s damaged relationships all round and they take turns but quite a few years on it’s settled. I’m sorry but FIL would be told he is not invited to walk anyone down the aisle. He doesn’t even understand marriage vows

What did MIL get from the divorce? Hope she wasn’t screwed over?

Is she getting benefits?

Not sure but I have a thought.
You are getting resentful with her because she understandably hard work at the minute. Does your husband pull his weight with his mother?
Or we are opening a can of worms when your MIL is been taken form granted all her live from her husband and children and now after who knows how many years his ex and grown up children are letting her down because she is been always the last priority of the family unit?

It may be also that she is always been this kind of hard work person but doesn't sound like that according with your updates.

If the first paragraph sounds a bell to you disengage a bit and let your DH be her main support with you at his side? That may give you a bit of air.

At the end of the day, you can only help her if she wants to be helped and willing to move on.

Activities with her and the kids?
Going to the park with her to get some nice air?
Cooking something she likes?
A drawing from the kids?
All those little gestures will counts a lot to her.
I don't know, I can see you point but also hers and I know all the family dynamics has been blown by your FIL, who seems not to bother at all about it with his new girlfriend and brand new life.

Sit happens

No way should fil bring new partner to any family events at the moment ..it's too raw for mil. He sou D's a selfish man

Being hurt doesn't give you the right to hurt others in return - especially those who have been supportive.

That. It's been a year of ridiculous demands. A willingness to disown a new grandchild. Making another cry. Refusing to attend her daughter's wedding. It's not on

Is as though most posters haven't even read this stuff. Haven't read that OP and her DH have been supporting her for a year. Being on her side. Paying her bills. Putting up with her demanding that DH be her flying monkey.

No, most people are just focused on the man. Who yes, behaved terribly. But it absolutely does not give MIL the right to treat her children and her grandchildren terribly. It's been a year and if anything it seems that she's ramping it up.

OP has been nothing less than loving, empathetic and supportive to her MIL, so why all the angry posts saying that she's not taking sides? Her DH presumably loves his dad and it's unreasonable to tell him that he has to go NC.

FIL partner hasn’t and will not come to events, this was a fear of MIL that she berated everyone for despite our reassurance it won’t happen.
DH checks in on MIL daily so he definitely does more than his bit, she won’t visit us or come out with the children for the day so that isn’t an option unfortunately.
MIL was awarded the house in the divorce so she has come out of it very well, despite not emotionally. FIL shouldn’t be supporting her financially anymore I agree, but stopping the bills without telling her was cruel after all he has done.
Thanks again for advice, SIL is following the thread and will be making boundaries and choices today that we can hopefully implement moving forward. I’ve done all I can, but I need to rest and enjoy my baby before, as a pp said, I get PND for the stress.

MIL sounds dreadful. You can be cheated on and be a selfish pain in the arse. She cannot be allowed to dominate you all this way. It's fair enough not to invite the OW to events (as you are) but asking more than this is unreasonable.

@Purewhitegold

I'm sorry you are all in the terrible situation you are all in because of the actions of your FIL. He does not get to do so wrong and still expect to come out of the mess he's caused smelling of roses. But neither does your MIL get to treat you as a dumping ground for her hurt and anger, especially at a time you were so vulnerable and trying to enjoy your new baby. This is where your husband needs to be very clear indeed with her. Did he pull her up on this - was he there? If not did you tell him about her behaviour and what was his response? He does not get to say he doesn't want to get involved, because you and your children are getting hurt.

And point this out to him:

I’ve done all I can, but I need to rest and enjoy my baby before, as a pp said, I get PND for the stress.

What can your husband and you do to ensure his mother backs off from you in particular? Perhaps others in his wider family can be encouraged to step up? 🌹

@Purewhitegold I agree with your last post.
If everyone is doing their bit supporting her etc, she needs to calm down. I won't be overnight but if she doesn't move on she is going to loose all of you at one point and it is the last thing she needs tbh.
All the patience for you and hopefully she will be able to move on and enjoy life again.

Your MIL was in an accident which has left her disabled and her husband dumped as a damaged inconvenience.

I wouldn't be surprised if she has some sort of PTSD from all of this.

The accident, the shock, her injuries, the pain and adjusting to her new reality, her husband's betrayal, cheating, discarding of her after so long.

Absolutely horrendous.

It's really hard to fathom your husband and sister thinking choosing neutral is anything less than giving their father a pass.

Neither of them have an idea what a shred of decency is to have such a low bar on their fathers behaviour.

Your SIL must have a super low bar and expectations of her own marriage when she finds her fathers behaviour so easy to get over.

If MIL was a good kind and loving mother, she must be further devastated to know that they would so quickly adopt a neutral position.

I have sympathy with you having had a new baby and your husband should be putting you first and telling his father that HE caused this drama, and HE must stay away.

But that would involve your husband putting other people ahead of himself which he clearly doesn't do.

What a shower you have ended up married into.

You do have my sympathy on that score too.

@billy1966 I agree that she will probably have PTSD

This.

It seems like you all want her to forget her pain because it makes things difficult for you all. Whilst it’s not ideal that it does that her pain and anger aren’t going to go away just because you want to play happy families.

No way should the OW be present at those events. I think maybe you should try and work on understanding how your MIL feels and set aside the fact that those feelings and the consequences of them are inconvenient for you all.

It’s not going to be an easy time. But this isn’t her fault. It’s your FILs fault and his OW. Place the blame where it belongs.

I think maybe you should try and work on understanding how your MIL feels

For goodness sake. OP has been actively supporting MIL for the last year because she KNOWS how she feels. OP experienced similar in her past, so she's absolutely been there for her. Her DH checks in on his mum by visiting her every day and he pays her bills. They are doing everything they can for her, short of DH completely cutting off his father. He's allowed to make his own decision on that.

But nothing is enough for MIL. Her refusal to attend her five year old grandchild's birthday party (that FIL was not at) meant half of the party had to be held at her house, where she just bitched about FIL and made the birthday child cry. And then she threatens to disown the be grandchild over something that isn't and never was going to happen.

Come on now. She's behaving horribly, and it's time she recognised that she's alienating the rest of the family who have genuinely been doing all that they can to support her. Her paranoia needs addressing.

That's a blindness on MN about a woman's behaviour when the initial cause was a man's. She cannot spend the rest of her life hurting the innocent members of her family and no-one should be saying that she can.

We do blame FIL, he hasn’t got off lightly,
but we rarely see him in person anymore so despite the fact he caused it we aren’t having to interact with huge amounts of stress from him directed at us in the way MIL is. If he makes demands we ignore them and he backs off, MIL isn’t like this, she will hound us until we ‘do as we’re told’.
If DH and siblings want a relationship with their dad they’re entitled to, whatever he has done is between him and MIL and shouldn’t any longer be something we’re repairing for them, this is the part I won’t take sides on as it makes me just as bad as them.
MIL is understandably hurt and angry, it may never stop, but she does need to process it and find happiness in her life rather than continuously bringing everyone down to feel the same pain. She relies on me heavily as I’m patient and drop everything if she needs someone, I made a rod for my own back by doing this but it felt the right thing as she’s been like a mother to me. SIL’s don’t do this as like I said they all know how she can be and distance from this behaviour to avoid the stress. If I do the same then I’ll feel like a traitor, even though it wouldn’t be to side with FIL but to save my sanity. If she was grateful and I knew my help was making a difference I wouldn’t feel so low. DH warned me and I didn’t listen.
The accident was 11 years ago, she’s fully recovered and well but has limited mobility. FIL left as he didn’t enjoy being her carer and for other physical reasons I presume. It’s a horrible reason and I’m not defending what he’s done at all, but he did struggle caring for her and we’ve always done our bit prior to the affair as he couldn’t cope. A split was always on the cards from my view on the sideline, its just a shame it had to happen in such a cruel way and for us to deal with long term.

Affairs and divorce in any relationship are horrendous for the betrayed party but no one should be encouraged to take sides.

no child should be encouraged to cut off one parent due to an affair,

a parents relationship shouldn’t affect a parent and child’s relationship.

no wonder so many children are dragged from pillar to post when parents separate!

we live in a fucked up world where children are the victims in situations like this.

You can see why FIL left clear as day. She sounds like an utter nightmare.

Absolutely disgusting comment

I can't believe the amount of people who are saying that MIL is justified on her behaviour. She is not.

She's clearly in a lot of pain but the way she is acting can not be tolerated. She should never drag children into it and make them cry.

She's had constant support but keeps making more and more demands, not caring about who she upsets in the process.

Why is it disgusting? Look at the way she's behaving.

I didn't mean it to be. But she does. Sorry if that offended you.

This 100%

I have found this thread a really unhappy eye opener about how selfish some people can be. I don't mean you OP I understand your exhaustion but my God I would have the ick completely if my husband behaved like yours.

Your MIL is walking wounded and you are all enabling FIL to be the worst sort of shithead. It has become unfashionable to judge anyone for anything no matter how outrageous. This is where libertarianism leads. People can discard a life partner because they had the misfortune to have an accident. And everyone else is more worried about upsetting the poor wandering cock.

I think the MIL has been treated absolutely appalling, being left after an accident and cheated on, as well as financially abused, how would you honestly expect people to behave? It may not be reasonable but to say because she reacts to being treated like that rather then just smiling then FIL was in anyway justified in leaving her is disgusting

It sounds like it happened recently. The family can’t expect her to simply grin and bear his company and potentially the company of his other woman as if nothing happened.

To make things easier for them. It’s completely unreasonable to expect that they’re going to be able to attend the same events without any issues after what he did.

It’s not great that this turmoil that she’s going through is impacting everyone else around her but unfortunately we don’t all exist in a vacuum.

It may not be forever and there may come a time when MIL reflects and realises she may have behaved poorly. Now isn’t that time and it may not be for a long time.

If I were the OP, I’d be looking at ways where I could to host separate events but the smaller scale one reserved for the FIL. MIL needs support right now. She’s the one who has been totally screwed over but being treated as petty and childish for reacting to it.