To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

I don't think anyone thinks MIL is JUSTIFIED' in her behaviour at all. but that it is probably not with in her control to a large extent. I would definitely keep telling her not to talk about it in front of grand kids/remove them from situations...and just NOT pass on messages

she definitely IS justified in not wanting to be at an event where fil is also, if that's what you mean

Got to agree with this.

Totally agree. Her life has been turned upside down by a very selfish man.

Your poor mil. She is really hurting and she's feeling that everyone is abandoning her. She is scared she is losing her children too and is making unreasonable demands on them as a result.

Your fil needs to be sensitive here could he come to the baby welcoming without his wife or she /they could come a bit later and then your mil has a choice whether to stay or go ?

The wedding. She really needs to get a grip over this. And you all need to be honest with her

It's a wedding. Of course parents and their wives will be invited so she needs to understand that everyone os invited. It's her choice if she goes or not. (She will go!)

On Mumsnet, cheating seems to be the absolute cardinal sin and any behaviour from the cheated on partner seems to be minimised/ excused (as long as they are female of course - men who are cheated will be told that they didn’t do enough housework or that the cheating ex must have had a good reason). The MIL sounds like a toxic selfish person - she may not have always been but she is taking her hurt out on others.

No one is owed a relationship for life and whilst it must be sad for her that her marriage has ended, it is no reason to poison every relationship in her life by being emotionally manipulative and bullying everyone. If this is her normal personality then I can totally understand why her husband left her.

Disgusting or not, can you imagine being married to your MIL. Even her children know how she is. The man wanted to escape. I'm not saying how he did it was right. Women can be abusive too.
You need to step away. She is already ruining your first days/weeks with your baby. Everytime you think of when your baby was born, you will always think of MIL and her selfishness.

OP what was her behaviour like before be left her? Obviously according to all the people on here she was a perfect little lady struck down with a disability. Reality is usually never that simple.

I find it hard to believe she developed this poisonous personality overnight.

I’m not surprised your FIL left.

Yes, grow up or don’t come.

I've been thinking the same.

On Mumsnet, cheating seems to be the absolute cardinal sin and any behaviour from the cheated on partner seems to be minimised/ excused (as long as they are female of course - men who are cheated will be told that they didn’t do enough housework or that the cheating ex must have had a good reason).

A perfect summary

MIL's behaviour simply cannot be justified. We can have all the sympathy in the world with her re her husband's actions, while simultaneously saying that her behaviour to her children and grandchildren is inexcusable.

Whilst not ideal circumstances (esp because it has enabled his ex to play the victim card), the FIL is perfectly entitled to leave his wife and build a new life. She may be an absolute nightmare to be married to (that seems more than feasible based on her behaviour since the split) and their children are well aware of her personality which is why they aren’t cutting him off and wholeheartedly taking their mums side.

On Mumsnet there is lots of posters simply can’t believe that women can be unpleasant/ toxic so will automatically take their side against men and defend any behaviour as either justified or if not justified then it’s the man’s fault for causing it.

Tbh I am unimpressed that your husband and his siblings seem to have left the bulk of the emotional support to you.

OP

Start doing separate family gatherings - FILs side of the family and MiL's respectively.

Stupid and expensive idea.

You do your normal family gatherings and those who can behave may attend.

yes, it really seems like that doesn't it.

now I have read all of OPs posts, I have every sympathy for her. small children, new baby, in-laws not own parents, sounds like she is supporting as much as she can. and suffering for it

I do not; understand the SIL and her wedding. why would you want your dad to walk you down the isle after her just blew up your mum's life. it makes a mockery of the vows. and why would you want your mum to put on a brave face. I couldn't enjoy my wedding day if I knew my mum was in torment and putting on a facade, for me. everytime I looked at photos of the day, I would just think about how hurt my mum was. I would either, uninvite dad entirely or post pone wedding or go and have a quiet ceremony with just my husband

FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words

This is an incredibly hurtful thing for your fil to say and I can understand why your mil is finding it difficult to move on like he has. She can't do anything to change the fact she is disabled and so for her to even contemplate meeting someone else, she runs the risk of them feeling the same. I know I wouldn't forgive a relative who did this to someone. My dd had this happen to her, and it was awful. She wasn't with her partner for as long as she is only in her early 20s, but to know the reason someone has left you is because of something you have no control over is hard.
Personally I would go very low contact with the fil. He can live his happy life with the new woman if he wants, but he wouldn't get to be playing happy families with the rest of us. I would be showing my mil I support her, but wouldn't tolerate the nasty messages etc

You don't always stop loving someone who does something cruel to someone else. Especially if it's a parent. And OP's later posts imply that MIL's other chhildren already found her very difficult, which is why they're not as invoved with her at the moment.

I'm not sure why anyone's saying theat DH is leaving things to OP. He goes to visit his mum and check on her every day, not to mention he's paying her bills. And presumably he has a job to go to every day, too.

longtompot · Today 10:00
FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words

This is an incredibly hurtful thing for your fil to say and I can understand why your mil is finding it difficult to move on like he has. She can't do anything to change the fact she is disabled and so for her to even contemplate meeting someone else, she runs the risk of them feeling the same. I know I wouldn't forgive a relative who did this to someone. My dd had this happen to her, and it was awful. She wasn't with her partner for as long as she is only in her early 20s, but to know the reason someone has left you is because of something you have no control over is hard.
Personally I would go very low contact with the fil. He can live his happy life with the new woman if he wants, but he wouldn't get to be playing happy families with the rest of us. I would be showing my mil I support her, but wouldn't tolerate the nasty messages etc”

Disability isn’t a free pass to behave intolerably towards other people. Given her behaviour towards OP and family, I imagine FIL’s life with her was pretty awful.

Another one here saying someone needs to be kind to your mil and protect her in this. What a devastating experience for her. And completely unreasonable to expect her to be anywhere near the affair partner. The insensitivity of loved ones who expect someone to just tolerate something they would find intolerable if it were them could be as harmful to her as the fil's original betrayal.

Another one here saying someone needs to be kind to your mil and protect her in this

Have you read OP's posts @Clytemnestra21 ? This is exactly what she has been doing. As has her husband who visits every day and pays his mums bills. This has been going on for a long time and all they're getting back is threats of her disowning their new baby and demands that DH acts as her flying monkey. Not to mention her treatment of their five year old.

There's a line, and for me, however sympathetic I'd been, the treatment of her grandchild (and threat to my new baby) would be it.
She cannot continue like this. She's going to drive everyone away.

MIL has always been lovely and we have a great bond. DH and his sisters find her difficult because she can be demanding and controlling, although never to the point it’s currently at. She was a very strict parent (no socialising allowed as teens) which they were resentful for and were naturally closer to FIL as they got older. The situation has put them in the middle, because morally what FIL done was wrong but they were closer with him and don’t want to cut that off completely. They’re all still supporting MIL and going above and beyond what other adult children would do, but understandably they don’t want to cut one parent off for something that shouldn’t involve them.
I’ve never had a mum so I naturally bonded with MIL more and she is great with all her grandchildren (again prior to this). I know there were issues in the marriage for years with constant arguments, but they didn’t drag us into it then so we left it alone. Maybe the issues ran deeper than we thought, she may well have been a nightmare wife/mum, but while her reaction is perfectly natural it’s not fair to continuously bring it up and make us part of it.
SIL would prefer FIL came to her wedding as normal, it’s MIL that she fears would cause drama and make an angry speech aimed at FIL. MIL should definitely be there and shouldn’t feel less of a mum for it, but it’s one day and she doesn’t need to so much as look at him. He doesn’t stop being their father because he had an affair. Refusing FIL to be at the wedding would make MIL worse as she knows she then has the power to dictate what we all do, something we’re desperate to avoid.

MIL doesn't get to make a speech if she can't be trusted. This is her daughter's special day. It's not about her.

I have posted too much on this thread now. but I just really empathise with MIL. it seems from your last post that her kids are going through the motions of supporting her but reality is they prioritise their dad and are just finding her emotions too much. this is going to get worse not better, I think. I really hope she finds the strength and courage to go off and live a new fabulous independent life with people who don't resent her

If my father behaved like this to my mother (not only the affair but a) saying he had the affair because her disability held him back b) cutting phone line off c) threatening not to come to a family gathering if OW wasn't invited etc etc) I would want nothing to do with him, at least for a long while. I'm surprised your DH and SIL are so tolerant

@saraclara yes I read them. I agree with the PP who pointed out it isn't enough to just go through the motions and maintain neutrality when someone is broken as a result of the selfish actions of someone they ought to have been able to trust. It's a stressful situation for OP, I really hear that, but her DH and his family need to step up in their efforts to make MIL feel she isn't crazy and make clear they will prioritise her over their horribly selfish and callous father. If they acknowledge how hurt she is and show her unconditional love and support she'll likely calm down.