To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

If you need a break Op, imagine how your MIL feels!

Your resentment is being directed at the wrong person. It isn't her that has caused this.

My own experiences make me hesitant to see this as such a black and white issue.
I love both of my parents but my mum has always, always been 'challenging'. I look at them now and wonder why he never left tbh. She does nothing but drag him down. Yes, she is disabled but it's more her attitude and her inability to ever see past herself. He's living half a life and, if he met someone (he won't, not possible) I'm not sure I'd be devastated tbh.
I can totally see why these things happen. I don't condone it but I can somewhat understand how and why. There is a whole lot more grey in the world than we admit
Absolutely the MIL needs support but I wouldn't pander. It will just feed whatever underlying (negative) traits she may have.
I'm many, many years post divorce with OW involved so I definitely know how much it hurts. Manipulating others to try and ease that pain isn't the way forward.

I’m looking for a moral compass in your posts, Op, and I’m not finding one.

Of course fil is ready to move on and adjust and attend all the family gatherings with humiliated mil there, no problem for him, no worries about making you adjust as he’s not hurting or had the shock of his life or a betrayal of the worst magnitude. So your little parties are perfect for him. He’s perfectly comfortable attending same gatherings as his disabled annoying wife. That’s why you don’t get pushback from him. Please tell us you understand this. You basically blaming her for reacting to his hugely despicable abandonment of her

How dare mil ruin your parties. How exhausting she is. She’s not elderly, she’s only 62, plenty of time to get a new toy boy and have 3 or 4 more kids. Put her on a cheap pay as you go phone. Who cares that fil took away her landline. She is disabled because of an accident, so not anything major, you clarify. She expects you, son, and daughter to stand up for her, why in Hades can’t she shut up? Can’t she get over it, you have a party to arrange. 🙄

T H I S

So many truth rockets on this thread.

I know and which is why I avoid FIL, I can’t give that side on it as I don’t know what goes on due to not seeing him. I’m exhausted and in pain but I’m carrying the weight with a newborn baby and 2 young children. I’d never downplay the awful situation MIL has been placed in, I totally understand every reaction, but she’s also directing it at the wrong people who are supporting her. I’m going to cancel the baby meet and ask relatives to come individually, although the reason it was to be done as a gathering was to get it over with in one go. It’s the only time I’ll make changes to suit either of them from now on. It’s been going on for almost a year. DH doesn’t want to get involved, not because he’s weak or showing signs of being a poor husband one day, but because it’s weighing us all down and we need to focus on our baby, that’s our priority. He pays MIL bills and checks in on her daily, he doesn’t see FIL in person often, but he doesn’t want to be dragged into it and doesn’t want me being mediator anymore. I grew up in an abusive home and was eventually adopted, I always promised myself I wouldn’t use my children as weapons or expect them to fix my issues. We won’t stop until she’s settled but ultimately it’s unfair on us to keep this up long term. Lots of helpful replies which are really appreciated.

I agree. All these posts encouraging taking of sides are really not helpful to the OP, whose husband wants to maintain his relationships with both parents.

What a horrible post

If you neither of you see fil often then why would he be invited to a family gathering? I mean, surely he would be decent enough to bow out? He knows the damage he has caused, that you and DH have been left to pick up the pieces and pay mils bills... surely he wouldn't have the cheek to show up to a family do?

Why can FIL not come to see the baby at a later date? If he has any decency he should understand.

*No-one's expecting her to be over it. But her behaviour is applling and she's taking it out on all the wrong people. Her five year old grandson for instance. How can you read what she did to him and think that's okay? It isn't.

Likewise her DD might be in her 30s, but the threats MIL is making re the wedding are just spiteful, however much she must be dreading it*

Agreed.

She's hurting - it's understandable.

However, enabling her to act like a latter day Miss Havisham by turning her hurt into cruelty to those around her she purports to love isn't helpful to anyone.

Being hurt doesn't give you the right to hurt others in return - especially those who have been supportive.

Honestly this thread is bloody depressing.

So many posters expecting children to "choose" between their parents.

I don't care if the children are adults. It's not on.

It's especially awful to draw young grandchildren into the mess.

The situation isn't sustainable and unless she is set some boundaries by her children she will isolate herself further - which is very sad.

Your Ex being a bastard isn't a free pass to behave like one yourself to your children and grandchildren,

Have everyone come except fil and he can come later on. Why are you making a big deal out of it, having every relative come individually? You’re trying to make a point that you are having to make oh so many sacrifices for awful mil, and how put upon you are. Just have all come except for the asshole. Let the asshole come later on. Why do you have to either have him there and humiliate mil or no big gathering at all? ‘Every relative must come individually’. You know you don’t have to do that.

Yes you’re right, the bastard is the only one who should get a free pass. 🙄

It’s not specifically about meeting the baby, that was an example, there are many ‘events’ that happen throughout the year as DH has a huge family. The majority of the family are FIL side. MIL is close with them and they’re also in the same position, but they haven’t just had a baby and are capable of ‘taking over’ the supportive role if they chose. I’m sympathetic but I’m also angry, hence the snappy title, because I don’t want to spend time on PIL issues when I have a life of my own, but I can’t and won’t abandon her either. She’s past the stage of being upset, she’s in the angry stage and sees him for who he is, which is a huge leap from months ago. It’s not healthy to obsess over what he’s doing and controlling our every move to ensure we don’t abandon her when we’ve given her unlimited reassurance and honesty. Affairs are disgusting and unforgivable, but at the expense of your children and grandchildren there comes a time you have to let it go. I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere at all.

Thankfully someone talking some sense!! This thread was a very depressing read. Seems like the only person allowed to matter or have any feelings is MIL.
Cut of her phone? Those landlines aren't cheap anymore what's to say she wasn't on it all day long, every day? Why can't she use a mobile for £10 a month with unlimited talk n texts? I'm sure she gets pip if she's unable to work due to being disabled it's not a king's Ransome but it's hardly poverty.....now the DIL has to pay? Ridiculous!! Get a mobile like everyone else. A happy man doesn't walk into the arms of another at that age.....I suspect he was overlooked and didn't have much of a life either but wasn't allowed to complain because SHE is the one disabled, were only human and we all need love......yes it was a shitty way to do it but he hasn't murdered anyone so the comments about cutting him out of their lives and "I'm team MIL" are childish.
And, to say that she would disown her own sons baby after theyve bent over backwards to put her misery above their joy of a new child is the most disgusting a nan could ever say about her new grandchild. I don't know how the OP is putting up with it but if she's not careful it will start to affect her own marriage. It would be causing me some resentment at this stage

I feel for you op. I am in a similar position myself and it is tiring. It’s not black and white and it’s hard to not get dragged into it or be unfair to one person or the other. Obviously I feel more for your MIL here but this isn’t fair on you either especially with a small baby, it’s ok to be fed up with it.

Yes you’re right, the bastard is the only one who should get a free pass. 🙄

He's not getting a free pass though is he.

He's been told OW is not welcome at family events.

His relationship with his children is understandably strained.

He behaved like a shit to his wife absolutely.

That's not a "pass" for her to thrash out at everyone else - especially young grandchildren.

Oh be quiet

This man is a piece of shit. A spiteful, vindictive, narcissistic turd. No wonder your MIL is reeling.

I'd be tempted to tell FIL he can come to family gatherings the day after he sets up an arrangement to reimburse you and the rest of the family for the bills you're all paying for MIL.

I'm sad that your H doesn't feel he can establish appropriate boundaries where his father is concerned. Seeking to maintain a relationship with a man who is an utter bastard indicates to me that the dynamics in this family were never the healthiest. Would I be right in assuming that everyone has just sucked up the paying of MIL's bills without confronting FIL about his monstrous financial abuse?

Would you, DH, MIL, and H's siblings consider family therapy? I think you all need it. I think your H's family members need to find a way to process what has happened and figure out a way forward.

I think that MIL is in an awful situation, but not as awful as OP. FIL has been an utter shit, but that’s not going to change. Her feelings of anger and helplessness are valid, and it must be infuriating not being able to express this to FIL whose infidelity set this all in motion. BUT, she is choosing to wallow in self-pity and her unreasonable behaviour is going to push people away. I honestly feel that DH needs to sit MIL down and tell her that she needs to start working on accepting that a) Life’s not fair b) other people have the right to make their own decisions regardless of how she feels about them and c) She is exhausting the support she has in real life. She obviously needs to be told that not everything is about her, all the time. The happiness of her children and grandkids is valid and has nothing to do with her or FIL’s situation. She can’t keep dragging everyone and everything into it all the time. MIL needs to be told (preferably by DH) that she has been ungrateful for the help she receives and is unreasonably controlling. Her histrionic behaviour will only isolate her further in time. While she hasn’t been treated fairly by FIL, she is going to have to suck it up for an afternoon and put aside her own feelings to make one of her kids happy. Perhaps if she looked at what she CAN do to connect with her kids and grandkids, she will find moments of joy again.

You need better boundaries OP. Invite them all and let them decide to come or not. You can always arrange for people to meet the baby separately. You need to put clear boundaries down with MIL who is behaving in a really toxic way. Trying to drip poison in the ears of her grandkids is appalling.

By not taking sides- you've basically all said what he's done is ok. I can see why that hurts. No one has actually said this is shitty behaviour, and treated the situation as one where he has done something wrong- so yea gotten away with it, and your MIL has basically been made to either put up or be shut out.

Your FIL will have to get used to the fact that his new wife will never be invited to family gatherings.
It is terrible how they treated your MIL.
I would assure MIL that FIL's new partner will never be invited to family occassions, out of respect for MIL, but that on rare occasions (like a wedding) FIL, alone will be invited and that the two of them will need to behave.
I would never plan a casual family event where your MIL has to be in close quarters to her vile ex.
At a wedding always have a plan for space between them.

It would be extremely unnerving to never know if or when FIL will show up at family gatherings. It is cruel to give MIL that type of surprise.

Your DH needs to see his father at other times, alone. I would not allow a relationship between your FIL's new patner and your children. The kids don't need it and your MIL deserves that certainty.
My friend had a grandfather who did a similar thing and she never missed not knowing his new partner and always thought it to be totally correct to prioritise her grandmother - to the extent where if FIL was set to visit, alone, for an afternoon and MIL phoned and was coming to stay for the weekend - they would ask FIL to leave and they never mentioned to MIL that they did this.
There was no dithering or debate - always MIL was treasured.
Your MIL doesn't need another rug to be pulled from beneath her - ever.
Your FIL has made his choice and is not alone.

I know you're husband is weighed down by it all and I'm sure he's appalled at how his father has treat his mother, but It doesn't seem as though his mother truly senses that, despite your husband helping her pay her bills and checking on her.

Actions speak louder than words and if this happened to someone I love I wouldn't just be saying that the behaviour of my dad was wrong, I'd not want to be anywhere near the man, I'd be far too devastated that my mother was in so much pain because of his actions.

This is the bit that seems to be missing and I imagine is behind his mother's behaviour. She's probably hurt that her son isn't devastated at how she's being treat and is able to continue a normal relationship with the person, his father, who has treat her so so cruelly.

I know it's the right thing to do, to not pick sides, but his mother surely has to be his priority and I don't think she feels that she is.