To tell them to grow up or you’re uninvited?

[Purewhitegold]

MIL and FIL are newly divorced. FIL had an affair and is now engaged to the other woman. MIL is understandably upset and finding it hard to accept. FIL done this because of her disability ‘holding him back’ in his words. We are all angry with him for doing this rather than ending it amicably before pursuing other women, but we have all accepted the situation and want to carry on with our lives.
DH is trying to maintain his relationships with both parents separately and without taking sides. As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages. She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together. FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone. He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line (she won’t use a mobile phone). It’s all very messy and unfair on their (adult) children and grandchildren. We know it’s hard for MIL being in this position so we are supporting her as much as we can, and I know from experience how much she’s hurting, however she is now being unfairly difficult towards us as a result.
We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild. We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL. I have tried to reassure her and spend time with her but it turns back to abusive gossip that makes us all uncomfortable.
SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner. So we had to spend the last part of our child’s birthday at her house where she gossiped about FIL and ignored the children. She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
It’s taking it’s toll on DH and his sisters as they want to support their mother but her demands are becoming cruel.
SIL asked me to post to think up the best option moving forward. I have suggested they be encouraged to discuss arrangements together like adults and put to bed the passive aggressiveness for the sake of all the children or neither will be invited to any future events. Everyone thinks that’s unfair, but there needs to be a point where it stops?

I feel really sorry for your MIL, your FIL has been an absolute shithead. I suspect her extreme behaviour is because she feels a bit like she's screaming into the void- she KNOWS she's been horribly wronged, yet she's getting the impression that the rest of the family don't see it with all of this 'not taking sides' business. Your FIL has behaved appallingly and a totally appropriate consequence of his actions is that he doesn't get invited to family gatherings for a considerable period of time until the dust settles. Why should she miss out?

I really think in this situation you should either not have a party or not invite FIL and have him meet the baby another time.

Her behaviour trying to make people pass on messages and making your child cry is completely unacceptable and I'd be really firm and specific that you won't tolerate anything of that kind. But I'd also go to lengths to make her feel more secure- letting her have first hold of the baby before FIL, for example, and reassuring her that she doesn't need to worry about OW usurping her in your lives.

I also think this is your DH's responsibility to handle- you've been really kind being there for her but you're in a difficult situation as they're not your parents, plus you've just had a baby. I'm not sure your DH's neutrality is going to work.

As adults I think it’s important they find a way to compromise for the sake of their children

OP, it’s way too soon for any compromise for the sake of the children. Especially on your mother in laws side. Have your gathering and don’t expect anything of either of them. Just let the dust settle a bit and remember that your MIL’s heartbroken and not capable of thinking beyond how much she’s hurting right now. My marriage broke up after 35 years. It still hurts like hell 10 years later even though I’m happy and I’ve made a good life for myself. My children still hurt also. You just don’t get over that length of a marriage breaking down in 6 months.

I would sit down with MIL and tell her the truth, that you don't want anything to do with OW and FIL has accepted that but she needs to get her shit together. It is so hard when someone treats you like utter shit yet everyone else 'doesn't want to take sides' but unfortunately that's her reality and she needs to deal with it. I am a huge fan of taking sides. When someone acts despicably I don't want to be around them. People continue to act despicably when they are safe in the knowledge that the people around them daren't say a word.

Your MIL's life has been torn apart and in cutting off the phone your FIL has shown he is a total shit but after a mere 6 months you want to treat them equally, that doesnt say a lot for you or your husband. In another 6 months when you have made it clear OW is not welcome then you can start telling MIL to rein it in. Until then just stick to you must not involve my children in this or you will not be welcome in my home.

Your husband should be making it clear to his dad that however much he loves him and wants to keep a relationship with him his father has been a shit and if he continues to treat his ex wife badly he is not going to be very welcome among civilised people.

I'd want dh to see his father away from my home for as long as FIL is financially abusive.

OP I've read all your updates and you seems far more reasonable there that in the thread title.

Just give your MIL reassurance as you did telling her that there is no way OW will meet the baby at this point.

Be patient with her, she is hurt, lonely and she fears to be replaced in the family by OW. I'm not saying to tell yes to everything to her. But she need to know she still has her place in your lives.

Tell her to divorced and get half of everything. Hopefully will be something on the pot and she will be able to afford bills etc. Also encourage her to check if she can claim any benefit or money from him. It may be legal but abandon your life partner in a situation like this is completely inmoral.

when she starts to bring it up, say to her I know you're hurting. I've already told you I won't be put in the middle of this as I love you both. So I'm changing the subject now. Then if she continues, repeat what has been said and say you need to talk to a professional about this because it's starting to affect everyone around you negatively.

That. And what she said to the child and made him cry is absolutely appalling, and I'd be bringing that up as a sign that she's affecting her relationships with the rest of you, and needs some counselling.

As for you being criticised for holding family events...what are those posters thinking? Two weddings? Two birthday parties for every family member? No, that's insane. You and your family need and deserve to live your lives normally. It's up to your PILs to navigate who comes to which half of birthday events.

Your SIL's wedding though...that's awful, and I honestly can't see a resolution there. If they both come, even if the OW isn't there, I foresee huge rows and the wedding being ruined, unless MIL gets some counselling pronto.

I would just put myself in MIL shoes. Sadly seems noone cares about her pain and just want to move on. 6 months is not a long time. How long has she cared her family for over the years? It just shows her kids don't really care about her that much. She is entitled to take as much time to heal as possible. You should all help her to move on and not force her to and then blaming her for not behaving the way you all want her to. Her behaviour may be unreasonable to you but if she was not usually like this before FIL's betrayal, this obviously is how she tries to cope with the situation. I feel sad for your MIL.

actually, can I retract this and alot of my other posts please and apologise to OP. forr whatever reason, I hadn't seen any of OPs other posts on the thread besides the first. I can see that they have been supporting MIL substantially. please accept my apology

I would still invite MIL and not FIL to occasions until MIL felt comfortable though

I think you have to try and remove yourself from the situation

Invite them both, if your MIL won't come then tell her that's fine and don't engage, if she starts to ask questions about fil or be nasty etc simply say to her 'I'm not talking about this to you any longer, I'm here for you but I won't be party to you slagging him off and I won't be getting in the middle' then repeat every time.

Hopefully she'll realise she's missing out on things and start to come round.

My ex mil was like this after her dh ran off with her best friend. They can just about sit in the same room together now - after 39 years

No-one's expecting her to be over it. But her behaviour is applling and she's taking it out on all the wrong people. Her five year old grandson for instance. How can you read what she did to him and think that's okay? It isn't.

Likewise her DD might be in her 30s, but the threats MIL is making re the wedding are just spiteful, however much she must be dreading it.

I am a huge fan of taking sides

👏👏👏👏

me too

Poor MiL. To get older, find herself disabled, then be kicked to the kerb for 'better' (younger?) model. I'd be angry, bitter, and frightened too. Especially if my family apparently didn't think it was a big enough deal to affect their relationship with the husband who dumped me so cruelly. If he was that unhappy, why didn't he see if the marriage could be saved, and if not why couldn't he have behaved with honour and left before he cheated? At least MiL would have been left with her dignity.

Perhaps if more people took a stand against this sort of thing and weren't so concerned with 'let's all just get along' maybe more would-be cheaters would think twice before taking up with an OW/OM. It used to be that cheats were ostracized from 'polite society' and were sent to Coventry. I'm not saying we should be that severe, but this attitude of 'never mind, off with the old on with the new' is disgusting.

Another thing that's disgusting is the number of men who desert their wives when their wives become seriously ill.

"However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient."

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm#:~:text=However%2C%20researchers%20were%20surprised%20by,the%20man%20was%20the%20patient.

Honestly if my dad did this to my mum, I would ask him not to bring the OW to my party

Good grief!! No wonder he left!! She sounds like a horrible woman to which he feels much relief to have finally gotten free! She's just miserable because she cannot bare for jim to ne happy when she's miserable. She probably was/is the type to make everyone else unhappy if she is feeling unhappy. She sounds like a bully too as rather than standing up to her you're all letting her tread all over you and your plans. I try n put some distance between her n your family......she doesn't seem to give a shit about her own children's feelings either. She going to turn into a bitter twisted old woman and will do her damdest to make you all feel the same.

I'm so disgusted at some of the posts here and I agree that in this case I would 100% be taking a side. It wouldn't be FIL's side.

Seriously OP - your DH is picking a side simply by claiming to be neutral. Observe who he is. You're potentially seeing the ghost of Christmas future.

THIS☝️

This is the most balanced and reasonable response so far.m

Team MIL here.

FIl has broken up the family by cheating, so he should be bottom priority for family events.

I also cannot understand why his children are so loyal to him.

His next move will be to divorce MIL, marry the OW and she'll end up with any money.

A question for the people who have said they would support MIL and cut off FIL.

Would you support MIL’s behaviour if the adult children were actually young children? If she were badmouthing her ex to her children aged, say, between 5 and 15? If she demanded that her children not see her ex at those ages?

And, if not, what age do you think children be made choose sides in a parental dispute?

it's not really a case of being 'made to chose sides'. An adult understand the situation so can know that the dad has be a foul prick and the mum is heart broken and destabilised. so an adult, you would think,would understand which person needs the support and care in the situation

As it’s still raw for MIL she wants DH to cut him off and asks him to pass on (abusive) messages.
No to both. He is still his father nor is he a flying monkey/conduit.
She guilts him for speaking to FIL and ignores him for days if she thinks they have spent time together.
Don't tell her. Neither confirm nor deny. Let her sulk.
FIL is angry and wants her to move on and leave him alone.
He doesn't get to dictate when she moves on.
He has made petty decisions like cutting off the phone line.
Should have told you he wasn't paying it anymore/changed names across.
She won’t use a mobile phone.
Just get her the cheapest pay as you go.

We have a family gathering at the weekend to introduce our new baby to the wider family. MIL is refusing to come if we allow FIL to arrive first. If FIL partner holds the baby she will not consider the baby her grandchild.
I thought OW wasn't invited? When will she get to hold the child?
That said, if engaged she will be part of your FIL's life. I get the circumstances were dire but at some point, she's his plus one.
Regarding the baby meetngreet, have his Mum over first until an agreed, fixed time then call her an uber or drop her back home.
We have had a long list of ridiculous rules. She has cornered me to find out if FIL partner is prettier than her (I have never met her) and which of us she will consider her true MIL.
It's understandable to be curious/jealous. Maybe you should meet just to get a photo. Who's she? Does she mean you?

SIL has her wedding coming up in September, she obviously wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. MIL is refusing to come to the wedding if FIL goes. SIL is obviously heartbroken.
That is blackmail. She is making SIL choose. If she feels that strongly, she can pass but emotional blackmail unfair.
MIL refused to come to our child’s birthday party at the weekend as FIL dropped in presents (then left) but she wouldn’t come in case he came back or brought his partner.
They agree to be in the same room amicably or they agree on set times not to be reneged on.
She told him his grandad should be here but he’s been horrible so he won’t come and made my child cry.
This is where you put your foot down. As you say you have with FIL. You tell your MIL if she keeps up that toxicity she doesn't see her grandchild.

So set rules:
Agreed separate arrival and departures at family events, without snark and times kept to.
Agreed same place - no drama, at events both need to be there the whole time e.g. weddings, funerals, christenings
Not involving the grandkids by badmouthing
Not talking to you about the other/asking to pass on messages

One parent shouldn't punish the children, though, whatever their age, for having contact with the other parent. The fact that both adult children have decided they do want contact with their dad and the fantastically destructive response of their mum suggests that this is a bit more complex than one person being an angel and one a devil. Both are human. I'm so glad my mum left me to decide for myself about these things and did not enter into some type of loyalty tug-of-war.

Ok, I agree that as adults they should be able to identify th and behaviour on both sides.

But would support MIL acting as she is if the children were younger? Or is it ok because they are adults?

Thanks again for all the helpful advice and experiences shared. I didn’t realise how common it is.
MIL is 62, not elderly so I’m not sure where that came from. Her disability is from an accident.
For those who haven’t read all my responses, the other woman isn’t welcome and we haven’t met her. It’s staying that way. We’re disgusted with her and FIL behaviour too and wouldn’t invite them as a couple to anything. I have distanced myself but I have to respect DH and siblings maintaining a relationship with him. Of course I’m on MIL ‘side’, I’ve exhausted myself in helping her whilst still recovering from a traumatic birth. I’m getting resentful because she isn’t grateful and it’s dragging me down. DH won’t get involved for this reason as he knows his parents can be equally toxic. We don’t want to organise our life twice for each person to attend in the future. If one doesn’t want to come because of the other that’s fine, but we shouldn’t have to make changes to pander to their passive aggressiveness towards each other. If one misses their child’s wedding over it then shame on them not holding it together for a few hours imo. MIL will obviously be hurt for many years, if it ever stops, but she does need to accept her life has changed eventually and not expect everyone to tip toe around her forever. She does attend therapy and sees friends regularly, but she heavily relies on us for emotional support and venting and it’s becoming exhausting. I won’t stop helping her in any way I can, I just need a break I guess.

This
i think op is hugely unrealistic to spect mil to just move on and behave like an adult
she is grieving for the loss of her marriage and life partner she thought she had. Right now she stuck in the “ anger” part of grief pathway.

what’s not acceptable is for her to be venting that anger with her kids. Op should ask husband and Sil to try to get mil to some professional help,, so she can work through this anger in safe place.

I think op and siblings need to also be more respectful of mums pain. Yep, threatening to not going to wedding is fecking awful , but so is allowing this “other woman” to be normalised into family at these speed in front of mil nose. Of course mil will react badly. Wedding invite to mil and fil only. New baby meetingmil and fil only - other woman will get to meet baby soon enough- fgs she doesn’t bloody have any relationship yet with dh or sil . Massively intrusive. What sort of women would even agree to go to the wedding of her new partners child who she committed adultry with less that a couple of years ago. Or demand a cuddle with a new born child when she’s not met the mother . Really? That takes some bloody hard nosed face 🤦‍♀️