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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew only invited blood cousins and husband being wet blanket

274 replies

Uberprincess · 20/07/2023 16:36

Married 10 years, older kids 13 and nearly 16 see their father rarely. Stepson 17 and a child between us 8.

Husband has nephew reasonably close in age to him who is getting married. Stepson and little one invited, my eldest aren’t.
Husband doesn’t see what problem is but both he and mother-in-law have offered to pay for them.
I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

OP posts:
Prescottdanni123 · 20/07/2023 20:09

Maybe they can only afford a very small wedding so have had to make decisions like only inviting blood cousins? Hence why your husband and mil are offering to pay for them?

noglow · 20/07/2023 20:10

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:07

😂😂 so the stepkids aren’t real family because of blood but adopted kids are because of a piece of paper?

All children should be accepted as equals. They spend the same amount of time with them as they do the other children. It’s disgusting to think otherwise.

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Stepchildren and adopted children are not the same. As a stepmum I am not expected to be a "mum" if I adopted them I would.

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 20:10

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 19:55

They’ve known the youngest since he was three!
Would you defend someone excluding an adopted child?

Your attitude makes my skin crawl.

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Sorry to hear that, have you tried antihistamines? Not exactly sure what you expect me to do with that information though.

there’s a quite a difference between an adopted child and a stepchild. A stepparent has no legal responsibility for a stepchild, and isn’t considered to be a parent of that child.

Mothership4two · 20/07/2023 20:10

BluNomad · 20/07/2023 20:07

My Dsis’s step kids are never invited to any of our family events including weddings & nor should they be, they are random kids to majority of family members so of course they won’t be invited

But the OP's children are not random kids to the groom - he has spent a lot of time with them and the other children in the family and is mates with their stepdad

noglow · 20/07/2023 20:11

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 20:10

Sorry to hear that, have you tried antihistamines? Not exactly sure what you expect me to do with that information though.

there’s a quite a difference between an adopted child and a stepchild. A stepparent has no legal responsibility for a stepchild, and isn’t considered to be a parent of that child.

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Also if my DH died tomorrow I would have ZERO rights to ever see the stepchildren again.

BankMum · 20/07/2023 20:12

MN is very uptight about treating all children the same in blended families, but the truth is that most people wouldn't consider their cousin's step children to be family, even if they knew them socially. If you divorced the likelihood is the cousin would never see the step children again. Not at all the same relationship as with the cousin's children.

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:12

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/07/2023 20:09

You are so enraged and emotional that you have lost the ability to apply comprehension.
"Different" doesn't mean that there is a "hierarchy". You seem incapable of understanding the notion of variations without ascribing values. Lots of families manage to do it.

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Here’s nothing wrong with my reading comprehension.

If two children are considered worthy of an invite and two are not, that is a hierarchy.

Ultraviolet85 · 20/07/2023 20:13

I love thé phrase it’s an invite not a summons. So while you can’t demand an invite for your eldest two- you also aren’t obliged to go and I’d extend that to my youngest too. Weddings cause so much drama I am all for eloping these days!

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/07/2023 20:13

😂😂 so the stepkids aren’t real family because of blood but adopted kids are because of a piece of paper?
That is disgusting @GrinAndVomit

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 20:13

BluNomad · 20/07/2023 20:07

My Dsis’s step kids are never invited to any of our family events including weddings & nor should they be, they are random kids to majority of family members so of course they won’t be invited

But OPs DC aren't random kids to the groom, that's the difference. They have a relationship.

Helpimfalling · 20/07/2023 20:13

I have politely turnt down wedding invites in the past when my then step daughter wasn't invited.
Also to note she didn't live with us and I still felt it was important she would attend.

I wouldn't take them somewhere and pay for them where they wasn't wanted, it's an insult and I'm sorry because that even hurt my heart to say that!

At Xmas we're they always bought presents etc?

Surely you must have picked up on a vibe before, as you don't go from being one happy family to leaving them out.

Leave them all out but not just them, so hurtful.

ScribblingPixie · 20/07/2023 20:13

If your DH & MIL paying for your kids is accepted I'd go for that & keep the peace. You definitely don't want to make a war out of this if you can avoid it. I also think a big talk with your husband is in order.

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:14

noglow · 20/07/2023 20:10

Stepchildren and adopted children are not the same. As a stepmum I am not expected to be a "mum" if I adopted them I would.

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Do your stepchildren live with you full time? Do they have no contact with their biological mother? Has this been the case since they were toddlers?

Iateallthechocolate · 20/07/2023 20:14

I wouldn't go. I also wouldn't send a card or gift or make sure the 8 year old had anything nice to wear. If husband goes that's up to him but I wouldn't help him at all.
Going forward I would invite his nephew to nothing and send no cards/gifts to him/his family. Nor would I attend anything else he invited me to.

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:15

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/07/2023 20:13

😂😂 so the stepkids aren’t real family because of blood but adopted kids are because of a piece of paper?
That is disgusting @GrinAndVomit

I totally agree

Mothership4two · 20/07/2023 20:15

there’s a quite a difference between an adopted child and a stepchild. A stepparent has no legal responsibility for a stepchild, and isn’t considered to be a parent of that child.

I'm sure the 13 and 15 year olds really appreciate the legalities of their family situation 🙄

literalviolence · 20/07/2023 20:15

I can see you're hurt OP but I really think people have to be able to define their own version of family. It's a different scenario but with hints of similarity in my family. My dad's wife - a woman who only came into my life when I was in my 20's, married to a man I have a very unclose relationship with, both of whom live abroad and don't visit much even when they are here - thinks me and her kids are somehow magically family and therefore tells me all about these people I've met twice in my life when they do come over. I don't think it's respectful for her to assume that I consider these people family just because of a weak marriage link. Sure your kids see DH nephew much more and they feel like cousins, but maybe nephew doesn't. You just have to accept that. He's done nothing wrong by not seeing things the same as you. He can be fond of your kids/ like them without considering them family.

Jimminir · 20/07/2023 20:15

YABU.

Iv been with my partner 16 years this year. My brother got married in 2018.
He never invited my dsd. Our kids were invited. My partner didn’t see a problem with this as he’s aware that they hardly know her and to them she’s not close family.

saraclara · 20/07/2023 20:17

MissAmbrosia · 20/07/2023 19:24

Personally I am agog that your 2 teenagers are that desperate to go to a wedding.

They see this person regularly, think of him as family, and might well look up to him. He's their dad's friend as well as a step cousin, so presumably as much part of their lives as if he was a blood relative.

When I started to read this thread as I was all for saying that OP was unreasonable to expect her kids to go, but with the updates and the fact that he's been regular 'family' visitor for most of their lives, I can absolutely see how they're really upset to not go to his wedding, as well as being hit with the reality that he doesn't see them as family after all. Knowing that their siblings (including a blood sibling) get to go must be really difficult to deal with.

These teenaged children were tots when he came into their lives. They're going to be dealing with some difficult realisations right now.

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 20:17

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:08

No thanks. I’ll always look to improve things and not conform to what I think is fundamentally wrong.

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Aka “I’ll continue to deny the obvious, and continue to get butthurt when other people fail to do the same”.

by all means do so, but it’s not me you’re upsetting 🤷🏻‍♀️

latetothefisting · 20/07/2023 20:19

Moveoverdarlin · 20/07/2023 19:22

Why should the bride and groom invite the groom’s uncle’s second wife’s kids from another relationship?

Because they've already invited the groom's uncle, his wife, and their kids....

saraclara · 20/07/2023 20:19

Jimminir · 20/07/2023 20:15

YABU.

Iv been with my partner 16 years this year. My brother got married in 2018.
He never invited my dsd. Our kids were invited. My partner didn’t see a problem with this as he’s aware that they hardly know her and to them she’s not close family.

But this is entirely different. OP's children DO know this guy, and very well it seems, considering that he's a regular visitor and their dad's mate.

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 20:19

Jimminir · 20/07/2023 20:15

YABU.

Iv been with my partner 16 years this year. My brother got married in 2018.
He never invited my dsd. Our kids were invited. My partner didn’t see a problem with this as he’s aware that they hardly know her and to them she’s not close family.

Well the big difference in your situation is that the people getting married hardly knew your dsd. Different scenario altogether to the OPs.

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 20:19

Mothership4two · 20/07/2023 20:15

there’s a quite a difference between an adopted child and a stepchild. A stepparent has no legal responsibility for a stepchild, and isn’t considered to be a parent of that child.

I'm sure the 13 and 15 year olds really appreciate the legalities of their family situation 🙄

Turns out they’re not the only ones that could do with being introduced to the concept either.

BadNomad · 20/07/2023 20:20

I agree with whumpthereitis in that pushing the narrative onto children that step-anything means equal is harmful to children. It only causes disappointment.

"Step" doesn't mean "equal". It just doesn't. Within your own family unit, you can treat everyone equally, but outside of your own family unit, you don't get to dictate that to others.

Your stepmother isn't equal to your mother. Your step-uncle isn't equal to your uncle. Your step-cousin isn't equal to your cousin. That relationship only exists while the marriage exists. If OP and her DH divorce, her first children stop being step-anything, but her youngest and SS will still be family. It's a kindness if people do treat their step-anything as equal, but it isn't an obligation, and it would be better if step-children are taught from the start that their relationship with these people is different because it is.