Nephew only invited blood cousins and husband being wet blanket

[Uberprincess]

Married 10 years, older kids 13 and nearly 16 see their father rarely. Stepson 17 and a child between us 8.

Husband has nephew reasonably close in age to him who is getting married. Stepson and little one invited, my eldest aren’t.
Husband doesn’t see what problem is but both he and mother-in-law have offered to pay for them.
I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

If I were you I'd contact nephew myself and say that the 2 boys are really upset to not have been invited so you won't be going as you'll stay with them. You can't demand anything and I wouldn't pay to go but I'd stay with the two boys and not go myself. I wonder why he hasn't invited them if they are close, an explanation at least would have been nice.

You can’t demand an invite, you know that OP, but I do understand why you’re upset and I would be too. I think the least bad option would be for DH just to take his oldest boy and you take the others to chessington or somewhere fun for the weekend!

YANBU at all OP. Horrible of the couple to exclude them and your H should back you up and understand that.

Yabu to demand an invite - their wedding their guest choices.

however Yanbu to feel upset at their exclusion and Ywnbu to excuse yourself from the wedding and explain why.

Why should the bride and groom invite the groom’s uncle’s second wife’s kids from another relationship?

Agree, and more to the point, how can OP's husband not see it.

If that's the case, then they have been done a grave disservice by their dm and step dad.

As lots of people have said, children can grow up perfectly well adjusted to complex, differing family relationships. To blindly assert "we are all one family so should all be treated the same" is not helpful.

I understand why it upsets the OP. But I think it's because she would love it if it was a 'simple' nuclear family of parents and 4 dc.

Personally I am agog that your 2 teenagers are that desperate to go to a wedding.

I agree OP, it’s rude. I would politely decline and spend the day with your eldest. This is going to be one of the very rare occasions I advocate for pettiness. Treat them to something really nice and spend enough that it will annoy your husband.

I would refuse to go and I would be telling dh if he goes he better pack a bag, cause frankly he wouldn’t be returning.

I think this is a desperately sad way to raise children.
They’ve grown up probably with very few memories before they were in stepdad’s life. Their entire lives have been spent living amongst and having visits from his family.
Why should they constantly have to be reminded not to get to comfortable? That they’re not “really” family?

It’s just atrocious.

Too comfortable*

If your Dh is happy for your kids to be left out then you have a Dh problem

This is the crux of it.

It's disappointing that the groom has excluded OP's children even though they see each other regularly and OP describes them as having a good relationship. That is hurtful but there's not much to be done about it, except note it for the future.

But your DH is being a knob if he's not offended that your kids are being snubbed. I'm a step parent and even though it's really shit and hard in lots of ways, if my family snubbed my step child like that, I'd be pissed off.

Demand an invite 🙄

Indeed. Most of the problems that seem to arise with stepfamilies appear to be due to the insistence that there’s no difference whatsoever between a nuclear family and a blended one, and the expectation that everyone else needs to dance that particular tune. Except of course there are differences, and you can’t force anyone else into the role of supporting character. Pretending otherwise won’t change either of these things. What if it will do though is cause unnecessary pain when things like this occur that shatter the illusion.

Wanting the ‘ideal’ nuclear family doesn’t give anyone the right, or indeed the ability, to force every other family set up into that mould.

You can't demand invitations but I can see why you are annoyed about it. The groom has known your eldest children at least two years longer than he has known your youngest. 'You're not invited because you are not really family' sucks in these circumstances. Way to rub their noses in the fact their father has done a bunk and they're just inconvenient add ons to your husband's family.

Telling your DH to leave and making a huge fuss is just silly. Either just you and your DH go or your DH, his eldest and your youngest go while you and your DS's do something else really fun on that day. After all, you aren't a blood relative of the groom either. What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.

You're not being unreasonable OP. The way some people on here are talking, it's as if your DC are just some randomers. Does the nephew not understand that they're literally your DHs family? My DC (along with DHs 2 DC) was invited to my SILs wedding and she's not my DHs child. They know she's his family too.

You're being wildly melodramatic!
Nowhere did I suggest telling any child they were "not really family" and they shouldn't feel comfortable in their relationships 🙄
The damage occurs when children are fed a falsehood.
Lots and lots of blended families are full of love, security and happiness by embracing all the various relationships. Not glossing over those differences and pretending they are all the same.

It's hard to agree with you when you're being next level rude yourself, you don't get to demand anything!

The nephew has behaved really, really badly.

I'd let your H follow through with his idea of offering to pay. I'd find out his plan if the offer is declined though. It should be regrets that nobody from the family will be attending.

Because allowing them to labour under a delusion turned out to be a great kindness, didn’t it?

Why can’t they just have a friendly relationship with them, without being taught that they’re family? It doesn’t matter whether you think they should be considered family, because you don’t get to make that call for anyone else. All you can do is hand-wring about it. The fact is they don’t consider the step cousins to be family, and as such you have to work with the reality of the situation, rather than what you’d prefer the reality to be.

This ! Quite frankly gobsmacked by the replies on this, it’s just a bloody day, get over yourself.

It’s very hurtful all round, and I would expect your husband to support you.
Families are awful things sometimes

It always makes me laugh when In Laws don’t regard a daughter in law as family, yet one of the In Laws was probably regraded in the same way by their respective families, but they would be horrified by that.

But they ARE family. Why are you saying they're not? They're family through marriage. I really don't understand this way of thinking.

I'm really shocked by these replies. I think it's a shitty thing to do. If they wanted to keep numbers down, it should be adults only.