Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew only invited blood cousins and husband being wet blanket

274 replies

Uberprincess · 20/07/2023 16:36

Married 10 years, older kids 13 and nearly 16 see their father rarely. Stepson 17 and a child between us 8.

Husband has nephew reasonably close in age to him who is getting married. Stepson and little one invited, my eldest aren’t.
Husband doesn’t see what problem is but both he and mother-in-law have offered to pay for them.
I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 20/07/2023 19:51

Aside from the high likelihood you’ll be told to F off, would you want your kids to be at a wedding where you had to demand they be included? They’d be resented as guests they were forced to invite.

Yes it’s horrible what’s happened but the real issue is not the invite or lack of it - it is your husband’s unwillingness to take a stand for his step sons. If you want to make your mad demands of anyone, start with him.

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 19:54

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 19:47

But they ARE family. Why are you saying they're not? They're family through marriage. I really don't understand this way of thinking.

Show quote history

okay, I’ll clarify: they became family to the cousin because a relative married someone that already had children. They’re not family through blood ties. You may think the blood ties part is unimportant, or should be, but that doesn’t mean that it is for a lot of, or even most, people.

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 19:54

@whumpthereitis @RegainingTheWill2023

They are a real family. The damage is being done by people who refuse to accept them as a family. Not by them living as a family and not raising their children to believe there’s a hierarchy amongst the children.

I’m genuinely shocked and saddened by your attitude.

HairyKitty · 20/07/2023 19:55

There will be a limit on numbers and frankly they aren’t related are they!

Angrywife · 20/07/2023 19:55

I'd be upset too but there's not a lot that can be done about it.
Not sure I'd be able to stop myself firing off a text letting him know how upset the kids are though.

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 19:55

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 19:54

okay, I’ll clarify: they became family to the cousin because a relative married someone that already had children. They’re not family through blood ties. You may think the blood ties part is unimportant, or should be, but that doesn’t mean that it is for a lot of, or even most, people.

Show quote history

They’ve known the youngest since he was three!
Would you defend someone excluding an adopted child?

Your attitude makes my skin crawl.

luckynumber7 · 20/07/2023 19:56

I agree that it is hurtful OP.

I completely understand that guests may have to be limited for costs and capacity, etc.

I have refused a family wedding invitation where my youngest child was excluded as they didn't want younger children invited. My older children declined as they didn't want to go without me or their sibling.

My husband will go himself. It has caused a few arguments, to be honest. It's a red line for me.

HairyKitty · 20/07/2023 19:57

I wonder which 2 blood relatives you think should have given up their places so that the groom’s uncle’s wife’s children could attend??!! The line has to be drawn somewhere. What about all the other equally distant/close relatives who haven’t been invited?

Crazycrazylady · 20/07/2023 19:57

Agree with everyone else on this. Of course it's ok to be disappointed for you and them but asking your husband to 'demand' an invitation is just bonkers behaviour . That's not now invitations work.
He doesn't see you in the same way as his blood relations which seems to taken you by surprise so I understand you are disappointed but don't let yourself down by behaving like a screaming fish wife about it all. At least now you know where you stand

BestieBunch · 20/07/2023 19:58

As a blended family we come as a package, so completely understand why you’re upset. As far as my children are concerned they’re not steps or halves they’re just siblings. With all the same cousins and aunt and uncles.

I understand it’s putting you and you husband in a difficult position, but I would expect DH to say something. If he was insisting on going with DSS and LO, I wouldn’t go and spend the day with my eldest two. Maybe take them all to watch the ceremony and then go for a meal x

Fink · 20/07/2023 19:59

Uberprincess · 20/07/2023 16:59

100% my kids want to go. They regard him as a cousin. They are devastated! No way would stepson not go and no way will little one not be taken by husband.

10 years we have been married.

How would a 13 year old regard an adult the same age as their stepdad as a cousin?! It's not as though they grew up playing together.

Stoic123 · 20/07/2023 19:59

You are justified in being upset but, in your shoes, I wouldn't make a big fuss.

I'd tell my DH that I was upset and disappointed with the nephew, decline on my own behalf (DH can take the 2 invited kids), plan a great day with uninvited kids - and massively cool my relationship with DH nephew (polite courtesy only moving forward).

Then - would try not to let the situation live in my brain rent-free for too long (i.e. get over it).

Sorry that it's upset you and your kids.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/07/2023 19:59

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 19:55

They’ve known the youngest since he was three!
Would you defend someone excluding an adopted child?

Your attitude makes my skin crawl.

Show quote history

It is totally out of order to compare to adopted family members.
I'm staggered thst you don't appreciate the difference

Mothership4two · 20/07/2023 20:00

Moveoverdarlin · 20/07/2023 19:22

Why should the bride and groom invite the groom’s uncle’s second wife’s kids from another relationship?

Because they are part of the uncle's family? Because the groom and the uncle are mates that are around the same age and the groom has spent a lot of time with him and his family? He isn't some distant relative that they rarely meet. Because it is really hurtful if not downright cruel to exclude children from a family occasion and basically the family? If you read the OP's updates it is really not that difficult to understand.

These children were only 3 and 6 when OP got married so would have been even younger when they became part of DH's family. The youngest won't remember not being a part of it.

It is really sad that the DH is going along with it

noglow · 20/07/2023 20:01

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 19:55

They’ve known the youngest since he was three!
Would you defend someone excluding an adopted child?

Your attitude makes my skin crawl.

Show quote history

Your comparison of stepchildren to adopted children makes my skin crawl

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 20:02

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 19:54

@whumpthereitis @RegainingTheWill2023

They are a real family. The damage is being done by people who refuse to accept them as a family. Not by them living as a family and not raising their children to believe there’s a hierarchy amongst the children.

I’m genuinely shocked and saddened by your attitude.

the damage is being done by the unwillingness to accept that other people feel differently to you, and pretending to children that this isn’t the case. IYou can’t make anyone agree with you, however sad that may make you.

Again, work with reality as it is, and not the reality you want it to be. Similarly, work with what is in your power to control, and not those things outside of it.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/07/2023 20:04

What a horrible, mean thing to do to children. To send them such a clear message that they are not part of the family. My in-laws are a bit weird at times but they'd never do this to my DD, DH's stepdaughter.

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:07

noglow · 20/07/2023 20:01

Your comparison of stepchildren to adopted children makes my skin crawl

Show quote history

😂😂 so the stepkids aren’t real family because of blood but adopted kids are because of a piece of paper?

All children should be accepted as equals. They spend the same amount of time with them as they do the other children. It’s disgusting to think otherwise.

BluNomad · 20/07/2023 20:07

My Dsis’s step kids are never invited to any of our family events including weddings & nor should they be, they are random kids to majority of family members so of course they won’t be invited

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 20:07

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 19:54

okay, I’ll clarify: they became family to the cousin because a relative married someone that already had children. They’re not family through blood ties. You may think the blood ties part is unimportant, or should be, but that doesn’t mean that it is for a lot of, or even most, people.

Show quote history

You don't have to clarify, I know exactly what you're saying. It still doesn't make the DC not family. The groom is not inviting half of his uncles family, albeit through marriage, to his wedding. Children he has known for years...because they're family. That is unimaginable to me.

Casade · 20/07/2023 20:07

I have a blended family set up like yours. I wouldn't demand an invite but if my kids weren't invited then I wouldn't be going and I would be honest about the reason why! It's their choice not to invite your kids but you also have a choice!

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:08

whumpthereitis · 20/07/2023 20:02

the damage is being done by the unwillingness to accept that other people feel differently to you, and pretending to children that this isn’t the case. IYou can’t make anyone agree with you, however sad that may make you.

Again, work with reality as it is, and not the reality you want it to be. Similarly, work with what is in your power to control, and not those things outside of it.

Show quote history

No thanks. I’ll always look to improve things and not conform to what I think is fundamentally wrong.

BlissfullyIgnorant · 20/07/2023 20:09

There's a lesson to learn here; be a gracious relative, accept and understand that weddings are massively expensive so not everyone can go, and send a lovely gift. I did this with my brother's DS, sent £100 on one of their chosen vouchers and wished them well, moved on and all is well.
Tell him to just be nice FFS

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 20:09

HairyKitty · 20/07/2023 19:55

There will be a limit on numbers and frankly they aren’t related are they!

How are they not related? They're the grooms uncles step-children, his family. Are step-children just to be thrown on the scrap heap, ignored?

RegainingTheWill2023 · 20/07/2023 20:09

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 19:54

@whumpthereitis @RegainingTheWill2023

They are a real family. The damage is being done by people who refuse to accept them as a family. Not by them living as a family and not raising their children to believe there’s a hierarchy amongst the children.

I’m genuinely shocked and saddened by your attitude.

You are so enraged and emotional that you have lost the ability to apply comprehension.
"Different" doesn't mean that there is a "hierarchy". You seem incapable of understanding the notion of variations without ascribing values. Lots of families manage to do it.