Nephew only invited blood cousins and husband being wet blanket

[Uberprincess]

Married 10 years, older kids 13 and nearly 16 see their father rarely. Stepson 17 and a child between us 8.

Husband has nephew reasonably close in age to him who is getting married. Stepson and little one invited, my eldest aren’t.
Husband doesn’t see what problem is but both he and mother-in-law have offered to pay for them.
I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

I think what they've done is awful OP. I would never invite half of an established family. Blood is not the only determinant of what constitutes family.

I am completely with you.

PP saying step families are annoying (I'm paraphrasing as I read it earlier in the thread) because it's something you haven't chosen?? Eh, you don't get to choose how many biological nieces and nephews either but apparently that's ok!

How hurtful. Hope he realises the cost of 2 other attendees (which you've said they can easily afford) is going to cost him in terms of their relationship.

Not a chance would I be going and I would never think of them the same. Also, your DH needs to stand up for his family. Wouldn't look at him the same way either.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. They’ve already been excluded and know that, offering to pay is pointless. I’d be annoyed with DH but try to let it go.

Spend some quality time with your DC without your DH and focus on making DD feel better. She might feel worse if you get into arguments. Spoil them a bit, plan a massive day out for DD and DS or two if they’d like to do different things.

Can you plan a nice break for the weekend of the wedding, and take your kids? The three of you go off somewhere fun so you aren't home smoldering about the wedding.

I would stop him coming to your house for a start. Show your kids you have their backs. He doesn't see you as family. I would also plan a nice weekend break with your children when it's the wedding.

Firstly I was not mocking the children, more thinking the op was over exaggerating how they feel. The last thing I would want (or most of the teenagers I know) is to go to a wedding. They are really boring and you have to be on best behaviour they are not fun.

I think it shows more what kind of people you are if that was your takeaway

The thing is as well, your kids might not fully realise the implications of what their dad (step dad, however they feel he is best described) has done, but in future years they will look back on it with maturity, and they will KNOW what he did.

I had some shitty stuff done by relatives done when I was a teenager, I just accepted it as life and shrugged my shoulders. But when I was older I understood why other adults were raising their eyebrows and muttering about it. THEY could see it was wrong even if I was too young to understand. Does your husband fully understand this? Those 13 and 15 year old children will sometime be adults, able to look back on their treatment with adult eyes? They will quite rightly judge him.

If it's not about money, why has the nephew done this? Is he cherry-picking guests from other families too?

Yep, this is what I would do.

And I would be very frosty when they come round and certainly wouldn't be cooking dinner for them ever

I wouldn't be sending a wedding gift, either. Maybe a polite card.

If "D" H wants to send a gift, let him pay for it out of pocket money.

I'd be pissed too op, especially as they are close. Im also shocked that people are saying it's ok to cut them out as they aren't related. I suspect it's because they are teenagers and not smaller children. This family have known the children for 10 years and im presuming your dh treats them as his children. I'd not go to the the wedding either. I'd not make a fuss, just decline and if you ask why you can tell them why, otherwise say nothing.

How would your dh react if someone from your family was getting married and your stepson was excluded!

"I am fucking raging and I am incensed that my MiL and husband approached nephew’s mother with offers of money rather than challenge the fucking insult."

This is not the bit I would be raging about. You've had pages of replies saying don't go in demanding invitations. Be cross with him for deciding to go anyway, be cross with your stepson too. These are the actions that will hurt your kids, that are failures to stand with you as a family. Offering to pay for them is just a practical idea to get your kids included, to avoid them being hurt. It's not the crime here IMO.

From your initial message I thought YABU but with your clarification of his closeness to your family, I can see where you're coming from.

They have basically said half your family can't go and that your children are not part of the family . I wouldn't go either

Of course you would say that. No matter what anyone says on here, your mind is made up that step-children as lesser than, nothing else will do. My MIL couldn't possibly love my DD as family because she's not blood. Even though she's known her since she was a tiny toddler and even though she has a fantastic relationship with her, oh no, she must be pretending to love her.

Convenient? So why wouldn't she just leave it all to her DC and GC? Not a thing anyone could do about it. Just accept that some step-children ARE part of the married into families. You wouldn't accept a step family member, that's fine but admit it instead of making up scenarios that you think prove they can never be equal.

I am incensed that my MiL and husband approached nephew’s mother with offers of money rather than challenge the fucking insult

Give them a break and don't take your rage out on them. They were trying to put things right and get your DC to the wedding.

Yes, it's an awful thing for nephew to have done to your kids, but you really have to calm down and stop lashing out at everyone involved. You're really not helping your case.

Vote with your feet - don’t go. They may have a tight budget and it really depends on the relationship with your DC and the couple getting married?

If they had a tight budget, they could have made it an "adult only" wedding for example. Or at the very least have said something. "Sorry we really wanted to include everyone but couldn't afford it". It'd still be pretty shitty though.

I don't think it's just two invites though if you start issuing invites to be kind. There may well be others in other situations who would also like to come. Your nephew has shown where he draws the boundaries around family. He's not wrong but draw your own boundaries now with his statement in mind. I'd not consider him my or your kids family now and would treat him as you would any other person who maybe is fond of your kids but not family. He doesn't get family privilege anymore and your kids may choose whether they want to continue seeing him with that in mind. It's up to them as long as they have their eyes open.

I honestly can’t believe how inwards looking a person can be.
It’s not just your two boys is it, it’s all the other people with relationships of similar distance, so maybe 30 or 50 or whatever additional invites. It’s not just about you OP.

My brother and his partner have a little girl together, she also has two older boys.

Those boys are as much my children’s cousins as the girl is. They (and I) love them and don’t see them as anything other than family! I’m actually no-contact with my bother, but I still see his partner (who could do better than my brother tbf) so that ALL the kids can spend time together as cousins.

These are CHILDREN we are talking about, families are complicated and that’s not unusual nowadays - kids should be be made to feel terrible and “less than” due to the relationships of the adults in their lives.

Those poor kids must feel awful knowing that their older and younger brothers are considered family and they aren’t - they probably never questioned it before. 😢

I don’t think you can do anything about the invite, you can’t demand - but you can stand up for your family unit and none of you go.

I can’t stand up for my family unit alone. There have been two family weddings on my side and in spite of only meeting my stepson at my wedding both cousins invited him but he declined.

Someone asked about background. Stepson doesn’t really spend any time here any more and my husband then has to spend time away from us to go away with him. He is a nice lad and very well mannered and polite. and is nice to my kids but only interested in the youngest. Husband takes him with them sometimes, when I object he says my two live with him and SS never sees him alone otherwise,

I am happy that MiL is nice to my eldest but she is not grandma to them. About a year in I realised she spent time with stepson alone when he wasn’t with us and bought him expensive stuff and once popped into see her and he was there with other grandkids but mine weren’t invited. It was very awkward. That of course is her prerogative.

Groom’s mother is aware how upset and angry I am but now I have decided not to go she isn’t telling nephew. DH will tell him my decline is child care related,

I don’t know the makeup of bride’s family other than her parents are together and her brother’s daughter is a flower girl (found out during casual conversation a few months ago). One of DH’s cousins remarried in his fifties and has step daughters in their thirties who have families of their own and who weren’t raised in the family.

This is very difficult, OP, but it seems like it's your husband's view of his/your family that doesn't chime with your own. From your last post it reads as if he compartmentalises his life, and doesn't see you all is one cohesive family unit.

Had a similar situation only I was the cousin not invited. Me and my brother have a step dad (whom we love dearly) we have a younger half brother who is my step dads actual son. When my step dad’s niece got married she invited my step dad,
my mum and my half brother and not me and my full brother. It was hurtful to be honest but I got over it, it was a real “you’re not part of this Familly” kick in teeth. What hurt more though was that my mum attended and then told us all about how lovey it was 😂🤦🏽‍♀️.