Nephew only invited blood cousins and husband being wet blanket

[Uberprincess]

Married 10 years, older kids 13 and nearly 16 see their father rarely. Stepson 17 and a child between us 8.

Husband has nephew reasonably close in age to him who is getting married. Stepson and little one invited, my eldest aren’t.
Husband doesn’t see what problem is but both he and mother-in-law have offered to pay for them.
I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

I think the husband needs to relax his stance on the 8-year-old attending. If just the husband and the 17-year-old go, it can be portrayed to the kids that the age cut-off was 17. If the child goes, it's more of a slap in the face to the "step" kids.

Really, though, the only respectable thing for the DH to do is decline for the entire family. If he refuses to, then that should be a real eye-opener. He agrees there is a pecking order.

So is your DP’s cousin solely in charge of the guest list or could it be that the bride has some input.

Based on op's updates, I can see why it's hurtful not to invite all of her children.

Of course the couple can invite only the guests they want, but that doesn't mean that their choices won't have consequences. You don't have to forgive something really hurtful just because it's up to the bride and groom.

They aren't his family.
Just because they are your family, doesn't make them his.

He doesn't have to invite them anywhere & I don't see why you want to take them somewhere they are obviously not wanted.

But you also don't need to act as though a wedding invite is the only measure of a relationship's value. There are lots of considerations when making wedding guest lists including costs and balancing the needs of the bride and groom's families.

you realise you're an adult mocking the feelings of 2 children on a social networking site, right? Really not a moral high point.

I think lots of people would be upset if the rest of their family (immediate and extended)was invited to a day out and they were the only ones left out (I know this is MN but in the real world lots of people enjoy weddings!). I think most people would be upset if they realised someone they thought of as family doesn't think of them the same way, and values their siblings more than them, let alone 2 children.

No OP, you can't demand an invite, Yes, its their choice yada yada, however, they have shown you after 10 years how they really feel about your family, I would not be forgetting any time soon!

As to going forward, I would not be laying out the welcome mat for them.

I can see how it’s hurtful, more from the update than the original post. But you cannot go demanding a place or anything similar, it will cause a fallout for years. I would do the following - say ‘ah that’s a shame, I’m going to stay home with the kids so no one feels left out, but husband will love to go and be with his family for the celebration’. Yes it’s passive aggressive but I can absolutely see the ‘all kids or no kids’ point since he knows them well. It’s not even about seeing them as his family, you don’t invite half a family of kids to your wedding and not expect some hurt feelings.

I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

To answer frankly, yes. And that's despite the fact that their behaviour in excluding 'non blood' relatives is repellant enough that it would make me reconsider the future relationship.

You can accept the invitation on the basis on which they issued it, or you can decline it. Those are your two choices.

Personally, I'd decline, tell them precisely why, and would fully expect my DH to back me up.

You later say: DH says he’s shocked but he is going and taking youngest with him.

Well, if that's what he's decided then you can't stop him. But I'd be very disappointed with that decision. It would shake my faith in his loyalty to me and my elder children.

Sorry, OP. Families can be awful sometimes.

Ok, but that means their mother isn’t likely to go either - for the sake of a couple of kids

i don’t blame you for being pissed off @Uberprincess it is mean, and I’d let H go with his sons and leave them to it, but “d”H would know I’m mega disappointed by it all and it would change how I felt about that nephew.

Well he can whistle for a decent present and any invites to your house in future id say. Very rude

Agree with this and DH could fuck off with any notion of spending family money for an elaborate gift for them.

Never in a million years would I invite half of a family to a wedding, especially leaving two children out. I think it’s it’s either cruel, naive or thoughtless. If they’re limiting numbers it would have been best just to invite you and your husband. It is their wedding though and as such you can’t demand an invite.

Firstly I said that the DN is closer in age o the dh than than the dcs.

But as to the practice of inviting parts of families to a wedding then I can tell you I have direct experience of that and absolutely no one was traumatised or offended.

As a family growing up we stayed with my df's cousin and his family regularly. 3 dc in my family, 4 dc in theirs. Over the years as the dcs got married, the parents were invited to all of the offsprings weddings. But at none of the weddings were all the dc invited. For example I was invited to 2 out of the 4 weddings and my brothers were invited to 1 out of the 4 (different weddings). And a similar variety of invites were issued to the other family with the parents invited to all weddings but different next generation cousins depending on a variety of factors.

So yes, it is perfectly possible to invite parts of families!! No one had a hissy fit or thought they were lesser. 🙄

I think the issue is your husband. He should be backing you up.
Fair enough if they’re struggling for space or money. They should not invite any of your kids if they can’t accommodate all of them

How do people end up in this situation. We wrote the guest list, passed a copy to the parents on either side to add to, the resulting list dictated the venue as we needed space for X. I'm sorry but family over your dream venue any day!

How are you thinking demanding an invite is going to go, will you.go round and refuse to leave the doorstep until you have an invite in hand?

You sound very dramatic, are you being serious about teens being devasted by not being invited to a wedding?

This.

You and DH go. I doubt very nearly adult 17 year old is devastated.

And how do you wish to 'demand' a wedding invitation, a court order? 😂

They’re probably devastated by the realisation that they’re not thought of as family by people they’ve grown up with and have always considered to be their family.

Well only if they've been brought up to think that a wedding invite is the factor that determines value in a family. We all know what a minefield weddings can be, they are old enough to understand it can be complex and not take it as any kind of personal reflection

Unless you think the B &G are sending a message that they don't like the children

Why would anyone encourage them to think of their step parents family as their own though?

Parental divorce would soon show that up as the fiction it is.

They have their own blood relatives. Sometimes we are close to our blood relatives, sometimes not. That's not other people's problem to fix.

If the issue was money and solutions were offered, why refuse that just to make a point?

Well, I’m truly dismayed by those replies. How sad.

I think the biggest thing that sticks out for me is the 2 kids will know why they haven’t been invited. Because they’re not blood related. The people they consider family and have for most of their lives, see weekly and have a good relationship with, don’t actually consider them part of “their” family.

And even worse, the man they live as a father figure, the man they may even call dad, considers them lesser too. Lesser than the joint child, lesser than his own child. It’s completely understandable these children are upset.

How can people not see this!?

I have a mixed view on this, If its to do with money or limiting numbers then maybe to them it makes sense, but as your DC all have a relationship and consider themselves family its hurtful, if its just to do with blood ties then what would happen if you had adopted DC, would they be excluded too?

It's a really nasty way to treat your children.

However the way your husband is rubber stamping it has potential to hurt them worse. The real route to limiting the damage here lies with him.