Nephew only invited blood cousins and husband being wet blanket

[Uberprincess]

Married 10 years, older kids 13 and nearly 16 see their father rarely. Stepson 17 and a child between us 8.

Husband has nephew reasonably close in age to him who is getting married. Stepson and little one invited, my eldest aren’t.
Husband doesn’t see what problem is but both he and mother-in-law have offered to pay for them.
I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

You can't demand an invite obviously but who the fuck invites half a family?

Have you pointed out that if marriage doesn't make someone family, the nephew and his future children aren't your family (no need to host them in future?) and his wife-to-be is related to neither you nor your DH (no need to include her in anything).

The groom isn’t related to your children and clearly doesn’t feel particularly close to them, so why would he invite them?

It’s it right when people create a blended family and then expect everyone else to go along with what they want just because.

My aunts always invited my older db and dsis, the rest of us had to suck it up.
It’s life!

There simply isn't a one-size-fits-all set of rules or expectations that can be applied to step families. And I'm perpetually baffled that posters don't get this.
You see your blended family as a complete unit - steps, halves and full siblings all being 'the same'. But that's your standpoint. The reality is there are differences in the relationships. And wider family may have a different viewpoint from you.
The nephew getting married is close in age to your dh so effectively a different generation to your dc. He met your older 2 dc as children. He met your dh's children (including your 8 year old) at birth. So although he's known your older dc longer in years he knows them differently.

You cant deny that for many people blood relationships have different significance to step relationships.

I get that you are hurt, and understand why. But you are being so blinkered to anything other than an all consuming position that this man and his fiancee should feel the way you do. That is totally unreasonable.

I know lots of step dc. My dd is one. Snd I was ddm to 2 in a previous relationship. Dd understands the differences in relationships. You can't demand other people feel or act the way you would like them too.

The fact that this situation might be deal breaker is beyond my comprehension.

Mumsnet is so weird. Thread like this a couple of weeks ago and everyone was saying”. Don’t go “. “. You are a family all get an invitation or nobody goes”.

i wouldnt go .take your kids out somewhere nice

I would also be really insulted, your a family and I would expect an invite for all of you or none. I personally wouldn't go.

No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s pretty rubbish to discover after ten years of what sounds like a close relationship with them that they don’t think your kids are family. On the one hand, I’m not sure what you can do because it is pretty rude to demand an invite. OTH, also pretty rude to exclude your kids. (Surely if you’re inviting part of a family group to a family wedding, you ask everyone?). If your husband was willing, I think I’d let him have a word with the groom to say the kids are sorry not to be there because they’ve always thought of him as family. If that doesn’t work, I think I’d chalk it up to people showing me who they truly are and that we weren’t really family, after all. I wouldn’t be rude or have a go at them - but I’d stop treating them like family.

Are you invited OP? I’d be declining in your shoes.
I can’t imagine inviting only 2 DC from a family of 4 DC in the circumstances you describe. it’s a very cruel way of making your DC know their place (or lack of it) in that family. I’ve been the SDC on the receiving end of this sort of treatment and know how hurtful it is. Raised calling these people Grandma, Auntie etc but then you realise they don’t actually consider you to be family.

😂😂 totally

This is crazy. I’m sure your kids aren’t devastated like you say they are. They’re copying the reaction you’re modelling.

As the excluded older step kid of an established blended family I can say this stays with them and has affected my confidence as an adult I'm sad to say.

Your dh accepting this sets the bar for the future and screams to everyone that he doesnt put his blended family unit first, but his 'blood' family. The simple solution is to decline, wish them well and when asked why just be honest and say you come as a family, no fuss and no arguments and this lets you know exactly where your family stand. I'd also be seriously distancing from him and treating him as an acquaintance, not family as he doesn't see your unit as family either.

Tbh having gone through this I'd leave your dh if he chose to go. To him it's acceptable for 'your' kids to be left out of family events and 'his' to be a part of them. It's not the nephew you have the problem with, it's your dh. 10 years they've been your kids family and they'd do that and it's supposed to be acceptable to your dh? No thanks.

“Oh honey” 😂 You’re the one who should be embarrassed using that cringe patter.

Inviting half a family to your wedding is completely inappropriate, the fact that it’s their big day doesn’t change that. They can of course do as they please, but it doesn’t make them any less scummy.

It will be all about numbers and costs. They may have had to leave out people who they feel closer to than your eldest, and even though they might not be bothered about your sc and youngest going either, they’re blood family so will have made allowances for that. I think if I were you I would just decline the invite too, and arrange to go away for a couple of days with your eldest somewhere really nice and fun. Leave your dh and other dcs to go to the wedding.

I agree with this, especially as the children know him well, they either invite all of you or non at all, you come as a family not half a family

Even if you don’t differentiate between blood family and steps, clearly other people will think differently and that’s not something within your power to change. You don’t have to like it, but you don’t need to like it. It is something that it would probably be better for you to come to terms with though, because you disapproving or calling them awful and lacking in generosity isn’t something they need to care about or take the slightest bit of notice of.

they are related to him though, they are his step-cousins.
If you mean they aren't blood related, then neither is OP but she gets an invite.

The vast majority of the attendees (i.e. friends, partners of family members, partners of friends) won't actually be blood related to the b&g.

I agree it's mean to split a family into first and second class citizens. Might be different if they rarely saw one another, but as they know the nephew well, and, indeed, have known them for longer than the youngest (shared) DC it's really mean.
They should have just done adults only if they were struggling for numbers.

You can't demand an invitation and really, they aren't his family. However I think it would have been more polite and less socially awkward to invite them also.

If MIL and DH think offering to pay will make the difference then it's obviously about finances. Your DC are only 'devastated' because you told them about it.

If you'd thought of anyone but yourself ie your DC, cousin's finances, DH's relationship with his family - you'd have let MIL or DH pay and you'd all have happily gone to the wedding.

Your user name is well-chosen. This is real 'princess' behaviour.

I’ve never in my life heard of half a family being invited to an event based on closeness of relationships, where does that end? Nephew close to his uncle so invites him but not his aunt (uncles wife) because they’re not quite as close? Someone moves away before the youngest child in a family is born so invites the older ones because they’ve met them and got to know them but excludes the youngest because they haven’t? Strange approach.

Your 13 and 16 year old sons are devastated?

My Mum died when I was 20 ( 1999) and my Dad re-married when I was 25. My step brother { who my siblings and I had met only once as we live about 170 miles apart } got married in 2007( I was 28). My sister and I were invited to the wedding but my brother wasn't! He and his wife were obviously upset.
OP I totally agree with you. Why only invite your husband and his son? I would have a weekend away with your children when the wedding is on.

You're a family unit and should be invited as such. But you can't demand an invite. Your only wiggle room really is not to go yourself. Take your eldest two out for the day while DH SS and DS go to the wedding, and make it know why you won't be there.

Their wedding, their guest list, their choice.

I don't think anyone has the right to request an invite to a wedding, it is their wedding and their choice who the invite.

Whilst you don't have a right to dicate who they invite you do have the right to refuse to go, let your DH attend alone or with the older child and say the rest of you are a package. How else can you prevent resentment within your own family and the siblings. It is my opinion that although I can't alter others attitudes to the importance of blood, I can show my kids I wont tolerate them being treated differently because in our eyes they are all ours, we are one family not two halves.

I agree with this. I couldn't look at my DH if he did this. I wouldn't speak to the cousin again either. When people show you who they are, believe them.