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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nephew only invited blood cousins and husband being wet blanket

274 replies

Uberprincess · 20/07/2023 16:36

Married 10 years, older kids 13 and nearly 16 see their father rarely. Stepson 17 and a child between us 8.

Husband has nephew reasonably close in age to him who is getting married. Stepson and little one invited, my eldest aren’t.
Husband doesn’t see what problem is but both he and mother-in-law have offered to pay for them.
I don’t want them offering to pay I expect them to tell nephew that they’re family and demand invitation. AIBU?

OP posts:

PrideNails · 20/07/2023 17:27

Haha...demand an invite. You're funny OP!
But seriously you can't demand. It may be unfair but sometimes you have to draw a line...they may have limited space etc.

WisherWood · 20/07/2023 17:27

I think much of the problem in these situations is that whilst those at the heart of it see their family unit as fully blended, other relatives don't view the stepchildren as fully belonging. And while I get that it's hurtful, I can also understand why.

Your husband chose to be with you. He chose to take on your children. But his nephew never made that choice. To him, they're his uncle's wife's children. They're not related to him and with limited numbers, he has chosen not to invite them.

It's the sort of thing I just shrug at. Weddings are notorious for causing this kind of trouble but is it worth a family feud for? Just make a mental note of how the nephew views you and your children, get a bit of distance from him, and then move on.

GalileoHumpkins · 20/07/2023 17:28

Uberprincess · 20/07/2023 16:59

100% my kids want to go. They regard him as a cousin. They are devastated! No way would stepson not go and no way will little one not be taken by husband.

10 years we have been married.

Are they really devastated because that's a lot over a wedding non invite.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 20/07/2023 17:28

‘We see him all the time.’

’My kids regard him as a cousin.’

But they’re excluded. Everyone else is included though. Can people not see how much of a slap in the face this is?

SoupDragon · 20/07/2023 17:28

It's weird. In this scenario we have people insisting "step cousins" are family yet on the step parenting board, step children aren't family to the step parent.

Thewarrioress · 20/07/2023 17:30

You've been married 10 years. Did anybody demand to go to your wedding?

FranticHare · 20/07/2023 17:30

They are entitled to invite who they want.

And now you know why they think of you / your kids.

I wouldn’t make a massive fuss, but I wouldn’t go and I’d spend the day with your eldest kids doing something fun (assuming as teenagers you want to!). I’d drop the rope with the bride and groom going forwards.

BluNomad · 20/07/2023 17:30

You are being really petty. They are no real relation to the groom so why should they take the place of other family members or close friends. I’m sure they won’t lose any sleep over it

MissyB1 · 20/07/2023 17:32

Dotcheck · 20/07/2023 17:17

People are so strange about weddings.

OP, I get why you’re upset. No, your children aren’t technically blood related, but they are still family.

Personally, I would turn down the invitation on behalf of the entire family, and not say another word about it.
Personally I would feel differently about a spouse who would be happy to leave part of the family behind

This 🤞
No drama, just a polite “none of us can attend sorry”.

If your Dh is happy for your kids to be left out then you have a Dh problem.

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2023 17:32

Weddings are bloody expensive and your oldest two aren't related to the nephew. You're being precious.

BadNomad · 20/07/2023 17:32

Thinking about my own family, I can see myself inviting cousins as a courtesy, but no I wouldn't think to invite my cousins' step-siblings. Especially when they're a whole other generation I didn't grow up with.

Toomanycaketins · 20/07/2023 17:32

Either accept MIL offer to pay, just go as adults and no kids, or don’t go. Those are your choices. It’s ok to feel miffed on your kids behalf but you can’t demand extra invitations.

Curseofthenation · 20/07/2023 17:32

It would have been nice to invite the entire family. However, in your shoes I would simply decline my invite for 'childcare reasons' and have a lovely day somewhere with my DC while my DP took his two DC to the wedding.

You will all have a nice day and there won't be a big falling out. There is no point in demanding anything. You won't get anywhere with that attitude.

WomblingTree86 · 20/07/2023 17:34

It would have been nice for him to invite your children but I can see why he didn't. They are not actually his family are they? I know your children don't see their father or that side of the family but if they did would you expect your stepson all other child to be invited too?

Reugny · 20/07/2023 17:34

I now know why people do child free weddings.

Lavenderflower · 20/07/2023 17:34

I think some people have made some excellent points that people often do not classify their step-cousin as family. Generally, speaking I think I tend to only see blood relative as my family not in law etc or cousin partners, however, in this scenario I wouldn't exclude a step cousin from a wedding. It strange to invite two children but not the other.

Glenthebattleostrich · 20/07/2023 17:35

I said YABU simply because you don't demand an invite anywhere.

However YANBU to feel hurt and change how you view him and your husband as they are treating kids they have known and been on the family for 10 years as randoms they've just met.

I hope any wedding gift is coming put of your Hs personal spends. I'd also be taking the kids on a bloody amazing day out, preferably something your husband would love (although i acknowledge i am incredibly petty at times).

Meeting · 20/07/2023 17:35

Tell your husband that he's not taking any of your children.

venusandmars · 20/07/2023 17:35

Maybe the bride has equal complications on her side and they've come up with this as a solution? I wouldn't have told your (now devestated) ds's until you'd had time to speak to the couple and for your and your dh to decide how to handle it.

TaylorsSwimShorts · 20/07/2023 17:36

You can't demand an invite, but I'd be raging, at least you know where you stand, I'd take YOUR kids away for that weekend and tell the rest of the to f**k off, none of my kids would go in this situation ..

loislovesstewie · 20/07/2023 17:40

I'm just trying to remember if I was invited to any wedding on my stepmother's side of the family;her nieces or nephews. The answer is that I wasn't, neither did I invite any of them to mine. Was I upset? No, because there was a cut off point and I wasn't on the right side. They weren't related to me, my little sister went because she was.

Yellowlegobrick · 20/07/2023 17:45

I think much of the problem in these situations is that whilst those at the heart of it see their family unit as fully blended, other relatives don't view the stepchildren as fully belonging.

Its 100% this, its the reality of life and you can't do a lot about it.

Allwelcone · 20/07/2023 17:47

Well OP feels hurt so its definitely not nothing.
OP you may j deed have a dh lroblem .
Have things always been OK between you and the groom?

CockSpadget · 20/07/2023 17:47

You can’t “demand” an invite, but you are absolutely right to feel pissed off and upset. My two oldest, to my ex, have always been included in everything by my DPs family, despite us living quite far away, so not seeing them all that regularly. If this scenario had happened to us he would have gone apeshit, and refused to go himself. You’ve been together 10 years ffs, they’ve grown up with these people. I bet your poor kids feel like shit.

Papernotplastic · 20/07/2023 17:48

That’s really weird of them. Obviously they can invite who they want to the wedding but you married him when your DC were 3 and 6, they live with you and him and 10 years later they’re inviting the 8 year old, skipping the 13 and (nearly) 16 year old and inviting your 17 year old stepson? Why?

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