I’ve been fighting so hard to fight off family stuff. An older philandering father, a depressed mother who had been a DV victim in her previous marriage, both of them alcoholics. Her family disapproved of my Dad so much (I finally piece together) that they all fell out, and my Dad took my Mum off to the back of beyond when she had two small young kids, while basically ignoring his step son.
My mum died relatively young of cancer and I was wiping my by then crippled Dad’s bum at a time when it seemed like all my friends were organising happy family holidays or letting mum and dad mind the kids. (I know this is not the case).
My background left me with a huge wariness of relationships, and inability to relate in a healthy way; and so loneliness I felt in my twenties was so bad I felt like it was damaging my self confidence and holding me back in all areas. It meant I didn’t get my own emotional shit together until later than most, so am an older mum myself, then my beloved partner died suddenly of a heart attack and here I am, wondering how I could have created such a hard future for my own child. Meanwhile I’m dealing with an unexpectedly early menopause, 6 years before my mum’s.
My sister seemed to become an (even worse) inferno of spite when I finally carved out a little piece of happiness for myself with my beautiful partner, and became a mum. I’ve tried playing Happy Families, as the children of alcoholics are wont to do, but have recently gone grey rock on her.
I don’t talk to anyone about this. Until I became a widow, I probably seemed the kind of person who had no problems.
No one really knows what’s going on. Often my friends moan to me about their unhappy family situations and I sit there quietly thinking it all sounds brilliant.
Hopefully things can still get better. I guess it is all up to me.