Why do some people have comparatively smooth easy lives, and others the opposite?

[Unbalance]

I mean I think it's down to random luck really, there is no why. But it's just on my mind.

Lots of people seem to believe that we all get dealt roughly a similar amount of shit over a lifetime but I really don't think that's true. Some people seem notably more lucky than others overall?

Do you believe everyone gets an approximately similar slice of shit pie?

Being a white man in a white country is also good luck for your earning power!

A lot of childhood trauma (addictions, sexual abuse, suicide, domestic violence, early exposure to physical fighting etc etc) English as a second language, relative poverty didn’t really help me! BUT my mother and father through their issues valued education.

It did help that my teachers picked up on how bright I was and I was supported by them (although at times racism and general prejudice didn’t help).

I’ve not met my potential but it could have been a lot worse. Luck played a huge part in meeting my now DH who has had the opposite up-bringing to me (private school , generations of university education) and his way of living/his parent’s life has opened my eyes to a different world.

The world is inherently unfair and some people are born with privileges that others dont have. In that sense its a bit of a lottery.

That said, I completely disagree that anyone sails through life. When I was in my 20s in the middle of my degree, my mum died and I felt quite bitter that all of my friends seem to have it easy in comparison. I then had to take care of my nan as a result. My mum never got to meet my children or be there for my wedding. Life felt very unfair and all my friends had to worry about was which nightclub to go to at the weekend.

Fast forward 20 years later and I am now watching them have to care for elderly parents, parents dying, parents getting ill and infirm etc. They didnt have it easy, they went through the same thing I did, only later in life is all.

I know of plenty of people who appear to have it all on social media and its BS, some are rich but are suicidal, one of my friends lost her child, one had issues with alcoholism, one appeared to meet the love of their life and be blissfully happy only to be cheated on years later etc. I cant think of a single person I have encountered who hasnt experienced some kind of trauma, loss, mental health issues, job loss, financial woes, or other kind of suffering.

Well, it all comes down to simple ‘luck’. I was born to young clueless parents with not much money, they loved me but weren’t great at providing for my practical needs, ie school lunch was given in a bread bag not a lunchbox, sometimes I was sent to primary school in my own clothes, they didn’t encourage me to study, stuff like that that I wouldn’t DREAM of doing for my own, privileged son.

But then I was lucky in other ways.. I’m intelligent, canny and very attractive, which helped me get a good career / DH, and made my life path smoother than if I hadn’t been born with the aforementioned attributes. I now live my dream life. All down to luck.

Comedycook · Yesterday 15:28
It's luck. But there's varying degrees of shit I guess. Honestly if you're born in a stable, democratic, developed country, you're already far more privileged than many.”

This. Being born in a developed country with free at the point of delivery education is an huge privilege. Unfortunately, far too many in the UK are complacent or just don’t value it and mess up that opportunity to improve their lots. Same with healthcare. Too many of us live badly and cause ourselves big problems which we expect to have sorted out for us when it’s often gone too far.

I find that my friends who grew up in stable loving homes don't have a clue how those of us growing up with a dysfunctional family have had such a difficult time, which affects your adulthood.

Generally speaking, those of us who had a "difficult " start are more resilient dealing with life when it becomes a bit rubbish.

Not a clue. I know someone who seemed to live the perfect guilded life, then her beautiful intelligent daughter died at 22, and she's never recovered. Nobody ever knows what's around the corner.

I think luck is a huge part of it. During a refugee discussion, I pointed out to a colleague how lucky she was to have been born to her caring parents in England; the stork could have dropped her into poverty in Afghanistan. We are not clever for having been born here, we had nothing to do with it.

However, despite the privilege, some people consistently make poor life choices which are choices not bad luck.

I have 4 half siblings. One sister consistently makes bad choices re men in her life and is in a lot of debt as a result.

It's all a bit of a mix of the situation we are born into, our childhood experiences, our intelligence, our personality, our physical health and sheer, dumb luck.

BUT here's the rub. While some people have had shit shower after shit shower (my life included, right from the start all the way into my mid-30s, when I finally decided to change my luck - the shit still keeps flying hard, but I have made new choices and a much improved life) and others don't, eventually there comes a point in life where the bad childhood experiences excuse just doesn't cut it anymore.

We are extremely lucky to live in an age where we have all the material needed to help us improve our lot is a few key hits away. And yes, I include everyone in that - if you don't have a computer/ tablet/ phone, there are free computers in libraries. If you can't read, there are videos to help you do just that. We can learn skills we weren't taught at home or at school, and there is always free material available to do that. We can access therapeutic materials, even if actual therapy is too expensive. Financial advice is out there for free. Forums like MN help people gain insights beyond their echo chambers. Online gaming/ WFH etc has been a game changer for people who are isolated, be it socially or due to physical disabilities.

There comes a time in life where you have to start taking responsibility yourself and build up a cushioning against the stuff life will throw at you on occasion. Where you have to make a decision and the outcome will affect how you can deal with future adversity. How you make that decision - well, there is a world of advice out there, ready for the taking.

I know a person who has minor ailments and is miserable, and another who is at least 50% wheelchair-bound and one of the happiest people I know. At their ages, they have chosen to deal with their lot very differently, and at the age of 50+ that's not to do with childhood trauma anymore, but with informed choices. One is becoming more and more reclusive and bitter, while the other is actively researching ways to enjoy life despite her disability. Both have had the same opportunities and similar levels of intelligence and skills. But they choose to deal with life very differently.

Well put. And they often blame external agency and like to see themselves as victims, rather than examining their decisions and actions.

That's too simplistic. If you've never had a role model and you see those around you making poor choices, there's a good chance you'll follow how you were bought up. I was lucky enough to go to uni and realise that my parents were a bit crap and broke the cycle.

As I mentioned in my pp my friends who had a stable upbringing don't have a clue what some people have gone through. That's why I don't judge people and their decisions there's usually a reason.

Some parts are true what you are saying I definitely agree with self responsibility. However there is the other side of the coin for example generations on benefits. In my circle what I notice is the ones who are doing well have worked hard yes but is is primarily because they have good role models so if bad luck was to strike then I'm not saying they would be unaffected but they have a good mental head space and they are in a healthy place. Unlike people who come from families where there is generations of been of benefits. Privilege is a real thing and I think some don't know that they are privileged.

I have a pretty lovely life these days, with very little stress, but my childhood and young adulthood were chaotic and awful, so I sort of feel I was due some peace and contentment.

Yes you can eventually still find joy in somethings I agree but its transient. Repeated deep traumas scar and the burden of carrying them through life takes it toll.

I think for some people the fact they are still here is the testament to the strength of their character

The link to the book review earlier on the thread is interesting

"He argues that four fifths of children appear to be “dandelions”, who can thrive in most environments. The remaining fifth are “orchids”, who are more exquisite and unusual and have a higher potential than dandelions – but for this to be realised they require a particular environment and careful gardening. Like delicate plants, these children, if dealt with insensitively, have a greater tendency to run into problems."

It's pure luck.

If you were a wanted and much-loved baby, born into a stable and loving home, then you start your early life at the top of the pile.
If your parents are active and involved in your first few years of school - helping you with reading, testing you on spellings and times tables - then you sit fairly comfortably near the top.

If you have early advantages, and spend those first few years at the top, it's much easier to maintain a position on the "lucky" side of society. It's much harder to be "lucky" if you've spent your entire life scrabbling up the mountain.

A plastic surgeon once told me this. It's bullshit I just listened to him and didn't give my opinion on it. It's usually privileged, gullible people who usually can't see what privileged is. You need to look up the definition of luck for a start.

I've got an excellent work ethic, I'm an extremely organised person, I'm quite resilient as a person too. It's sheer luck and partly that I never had a wild personality to go crazy with drink and drugs. Its also the company you keep.....

"Show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are".

I agree completely. And add that parents who don't put you down as a child just for being yourself, but validate your thoughts, feelings and needs from a young age set you up to be a successful adult. So many of us are left struggling with poor development emotional or otherwise which it makes it far harder to cope with life's ups and downs let alone major achievements.

I also notice that people who grew up with parents who had good relationships with good communication also tend to find love easier and get married faster than others who can end up single for a long time. Many people have so much to learn as adults because their parents taught them the wrong things, or didn't teach them at all.

Are those who have been dealt, or picked up a good hand of cards lucky, or are those who have had the bad cards unlucky?

If most people have 2 loving parents then those without it are unluckly. If more than not do not have that then those that do are lucky. However plenty of children are in one parent families and are equally as loved and cared for as those with 2 parents in a more classic family.

Things like if you are alcoholic are partly genetics so that's luck. It can be hard to unravel luck and other factors. I am the oldest child. Oldest childre are usually the most conformist and successful - so that is luck that I am first but huge numbers of other factors come into play. I am female so that is lucky because I can do some of the best things in life and men can't - carry a child (5 of them in my case) and breastfeed and comes with some downsides - menstruation which is a bit of a nuisance men don't have.

I have worked very hard without a break since 1983 full time and that without doubt has played a part in what I earn and my life as I did not even take maternity leaves.

Tricky . On some level there is that whole you make your own luck thing to some extent but there's also perception. Some people think they're lucky so they are. I think everyone has to deal with horrible stuff, not always obvious though. But yes there's probably an element of being born under an lucky star or something

And there speaks the true voice of Tory compassion.

If you have feckless parents having someone who sees your potential and guides you is invaluable. I had a teacher who told me I could go to university and pushed me to do my best. I was also good at sports so that helped with confidence. Being born under a "lucky star" is peak MN BS.

It's a combination of things, really. I think most of it is luck - I mean, even if the general ease of someone's life comes from just being born into a stable, pleasant family with no money worries, than itself is a stroke of good luck, isn't it? Equally you could be lucky to get a great start in life but then be very unlucky to, say, lose your parents in a car accident and find yourself afflicted with a horrible illness.

I think that, in rare cases, the way people react to bad luck makes their lives worse, if that makes sense. I would put my sister into that category. She has definitely had some rotten luck in her life, things that she could never have prevented, but she invariably reacts to them in a way that makes things worse. For example, she had a serious health problem in her 30s, which was unlucky, but actively chose to ignore lots of the advice her doctors gave her and ended up in hospital for that reason.

The people who have smoother lives are organised, handle money well ( even if it's not that much) are educated without being prissy, avoid drug taking and do not over-indulge children.