Why do some people have comparatively smooth easy lives, and others the opposite?

[Unbalance]

I mean I think it's down to random luck really, there is no why. But it's just on my mind.

Lots of people seem to believe that we all get dealt roughly a similar amount of shit over a lifetime but I really don't think that's true. Some people seem notably more lucky than others overall?

Do you believe everyone gets an approximately similar slice of shit pie?

It's partly luck (e.g. parents who ensured you went to school, being left money, etc) and partly the individual's choices. I heard a great radio programme a while ago dismissing 'bad luck' entirely, and though I think there are circumstances when life just shits on you, I do think some people do just make poor choices which often leads to further poor choices.

Yes!! I love that’s song. It has some great advice!

And I never really talk about my struggles. No one is really interested anyway. Best just to crack on.

And just to add, it's also a lot to do with perspective and attitude. For example, both my parents died and lots if people told me I'd had bad luck. Whereas I saw it that they'd both had good lives and about as 'good' deaths as you can have and given we all have to die sometime, that's actually pretty lucky.

I often remind myself that those with seemingly 'easier' or 'better' lives might well be dealing/have dealt with issues which they are keeping private. We also all react differently to stress and worry, and to good times too for that matter.

Yanbu although I think living in the uk rather then in some war torn corrupt country is the biggest strike of luck for most of us.

Agree

Agreed. I used to work in a rehab clinic and we’d have extremely wealthy people in Hollywood actors, aristocracy you name it and they’d all been through some pretty awful times.

Spot on...my crappy dysfunctional (not abusive) childhood pretty much mapped out my whole life. When I realised this it was too late.

Death comes to us all, sure.

I think there is a difference in dying young, and getting your threescore and ten though. Which is still only 70 so young by today's standards.

Definitely no balancing force

There is control a lot of the time. Some things are out of it but how we deal with things matters hugely.
I see people living lives chaotically when they don't need to
Always thinking negatively makes everything in life harder
Loving parents really is the most important thing.

Spot on...my crappy dysfunctional (not abusive) childhood pretty much mapped out my whole life. When I realised this it was too late.

@neilyoungismyhero

Everybody's circumstances vary so much, so I understand many things might simply not be possible now, but is it really too late for everything you want?

I see privileged people on MN talk negatively about their life all the time. Saying they have a difficult life because their parents died or they have a chronic illness.
I think people who have had an easy life and then have something negative happen are the most negative people I meet.

I think everyone suffers and that nobody truly gets an easy ride in life, we all experience pain and loss, we all suffer. It's easy from the outside to think that this or that person has it easy but it is rarely the case and I say that as someone who isn't wealthy, who is disabled, who suffers from chronic pain, wasn't able to have kids, was never very pretty or successful but I enjoy the life I have though when I can and I count my blessings I have a comfy if modest home and a very good marriage of almost 30 years.

I do believe in people fighting to reduce inequality and to improve public services for all but I don't look to individual others and think oh its alright for them because they are only human too.

A hell of a lot of luck or lack of luck pretty much explains it. Unfortunately no one said everyone was going to get dealt the same hand in life.

i agree start in life and coping mechanisms do play a part. Likewise some ppl do make poor decisions which doesn't help themselves.

But in a world where children can be diagnosed with terminal illnesses and some ppl can live to 80 or 90, sheer random luck is the biggest factor imo.

Yeah pure luck. It took me a while to reconcile because I’ve done fairly well for myself and had the opportunities that comes from living in a country with gender equality, welfare and free universities, but certain things in life would have been so much easier if I didn’t come from poverty and a single parent household.

But then I look at some people I grew up with who had so much compared with me, who still sponge off their parents and shit on my achievements out of nothing but spite. At least having been made to work for everything gave me work ethic.

I think shit happens to everyone, however like you said in the op, if you're lucky enough to be born to two loving stable parents, the way you cope with the shit that hits you is different to someone who didn't have the same kind of upbringing.

This.

Dh and I appear and have actually been very lucky in life. We’ve faced bad times but we’re quite private people so only our closest family and friends would know. I’ve lost both of my parents, one when I was young, and dh survived two very serious illnesses that not many come out of unscathed. But this was all made easier by having people around us that love and support us. I can’t imagine going through difficulties without the support of a loving family and I very much feel for those that don’t have the things that so many of us take for granted.

I was once watching a programme on tv with dear departed dm about children in orphanages abroad. I’d not long had my dc and my mum started to cry. She said ‘your dc are so lucky, they have so many people who love them. These poor children don’t have anyone to love them’. I’ve never forgotten that and she was absolutely right. Those dc didn’t do anything to deserve that, it was simply bad luck, in the same way that my dc and I were fortunate enough to be born into a loving family.

Most of us have nothing to complain about.

I’m quite old now, and I can say form experience that MOST, the overwhelming majority, people have their “crosses to bear” and shit stuff. Very few people are untouched by distress, turmoil, trauma in their lives
For starters mental illness is so common, always has been. Just it wasn’t talked about and brushed under carpet. You often don’t find out till we’ll after the event that a brilliant colleague who seemed so level headed suffered , a joiner whose been working on your house has bipolar, your husband and then later your dad develops psychotic illnesses, PND in lots of mums you know…it’s just a lot of times you won’t know about it till after the fact
then add in physical illness - people struggling with devastating news that they have cancer - been there 2 times in my life already. But rates of getting some sort of cancer are enormous. Most people nowadays can be helped and cured but the trauma and distress can last a lifetime.
fianncial issues- when you’ve lived a long life you’ve been through multiple cost of living crisis, redundancies, long sickness leave, maternity leaves, and all the random shit that makes you worry how you’ll pay the bills
then people with infertility issues, pregnancy losses
and so on and so on
biggest thing you should learn as you get older- shit happens to everyone . Even people who seem wealthy, happy or healthy- you just don’t know and at sometime in their lives they won’t be one of Bose things

envy is the thief of joy. Don’t be envious of others lives - you don’t know what’s going on really. Develop as much mental resilience as you can, learn the difference between forgiving and forgetting, financially make hay while the sun shines, health wise do as much sensible stuff as you can but accept you WILL die of s9mething and you can’t protect yourself against everything.

Shit does happen to everyone to some degree but the level of shit imo isn't equal.

We all accept losing older parents and losing health as we age as a part of life - its shit but not unlucky imo.

Most of us don't think we'll lose health at a young age or lose a child or lose a parent when we are children etc and the ppl who these awful things happen to are imo unlucky. They certainly don't deserve it and it's not common therefore the only explanation is they were unlucky.

Life isn't fair, sometimes there is no rhyme or reason.

I consider myself to be a lucky person.

My parents weren't the best but they weren't awful either. They were quite selfish, made poor decisions and were absolutely useless with money. But I always felt loved, I don't remember ever feeling unloved or questioning their love for me.

I was lucky to have been born with a fair level of intelligence and enough common sense to get me through life. I was lucky to have met my dh in my late teens, a man who also has intelligence and common sense, so between us we have generally made good life choices. I was also lucky that he happened to be a decent bloke who has always treated me very well. He's not perfect of course, but he is kind, respectful, pulls his weight with the house and dcs, and has never cheated on me or hurt me. I've also been lucky so far with my health and general circumstances, nothing terrible has happened to me yet.

The one thing that I would say I am most grateful to have been lucky with though, is that I have high self esteem. I am able to set boundaries and do not accept them being crossed. I do not feel any desire to try to make people like or love me, so have no problems cutting them out of my life if they treat me badly in any way. I honestly wish I could bottle self esteem and give it out. I have seen so many people go through crap situation after crap situation and it has all been down to their lack of self esteem.

I think this is so true, all the stuff that has gone wrong (as in times I have fucked up) are directly related to my childhood.

I'll never stop being amazed at the impact of divorce on the children caught up in it and it's long term effect. In our family:

As a child it impacted:
Health
Education
General wellbeing
Family relationships
Friendships
Socialization
Confidence and self-esteem

In addition, as an adult it's impacted:

Mental health
Marriage
Finances
Sibling relationships
Friendships
second generation children's relationship with their father
Second generation children's relationship with extended family

Someone mentioned about 'bouncing back.' My mil is one such lady-she's been poor from day one, has had loss after loss and is still always out to help and cheerful and lovely. We noticed in the last five years it takes her longer to come back after life deals yet another blow (huge health issues and the death of a lot of important people) and yet I think a huge percentage of normal people would be (quite rightly) grumpy and selfish and horrible if they'd dealt with even a third of the things she'd been through.

I don't think it's a direct link to the economic situation of your childhood but more the aptitude of your parents. My mum was a dirt poor single mum but she was well educated and supported by her parents to achieve her goals. She encouraged me to have hobbies and speak up, try new things. She paid for me to learn cello and do football at the expense of other things because she knew from her own past that it would pay off.
Compare that to my mother in law who is anxious and grew up largely ignored in a huge family with a sexist dad. She was not told that she could achieve, not encouraged in her pursuits and put down if she spoke up. So she carried that pain with her, raised her son to take what he was given, never complain, stay where it's safe, don't aim to high. It takes a huge amount of insight and courage to go against this mindset. Most just won't do it.

And then this fear of the unknown, anxiety of trying something new, inability to speak up, well that will hold you back forever. It is ultimately confidence, not necessarily in an extrovert kind of way, which leads to success.