Why do some people have comparatively smooth easy lives, and others the opposite?

[Unbalance]

I mean I think it's down to random luck really, there is no why. But it's just on my mind.

Lots of people seem to believe that we all get dealt roughly a similar amount of shit over a lifetime but I really don't think that's true. Some people seem notably more lucky than others overall?

Do you believe everyone gets an approximately similar slice of shit pie?

This is very true.

The impact of having a stable and loving home is massive. I feel like it gives you an inner confidence to tackle life, probably less likely to have a problematic partner as you know what “normal” looks like and you’re not seeking love or affection from just anyone.

Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone, but i definitely think for the most part what the OP has said it right.

I don’t think I’ve explained myself well. What I mean is it’s all perspective and they way you look at something.

One thing I do know though is if you let something (big) get you down, it’s very easy to spiral and that always seems to be when even more bad luck hits, one after the other.
I choose to look at things in their best light, when one door closes another will open, but of course everybody has their own approach. Some people can handle more than others, in my opinion the people who don’t have great parents/lives are more resilient and I find those with great parents are not, because they don’t have to be.

Even with all that said, I have no doubt if I had stable and loving parents I would have succeeded in life far more than I currently have though.

I think it’s all a grey area dependent on the individual actually.

I would hope that the importance of parenting would make more people think way more about becoming parents than just "oopsie daisy we made a baby" when in shitty uneven relationships (mayne it will mke it better🤗) , one night stands etc.
With everyone having access to contraception (bar very few exemptions) and often free, there is very little reason for kids to be born into disadvantaging situations with one or both parents not really that interested.
Parents with little money still can meet many of the needs. Mine did.

My hardly ever getting ill is top of my list of luckiest thing although not drinking and smoking is bound to play a bit of a part in that. So I think it ends to be a mixture of factors, luck, hard work, choices you make.

Trevor Phillips who was head of Centrepoint at the time spoke at a Corporate event I attended and basically said the same thing which seemed novel at the time when mental health wasn't discussed so readily. The reason the people in this room do not need the services of Centrepoint is that their parents loved and cared for them.

All this.

I've seen the personal capital bit described as weed and orchid personalities -

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/jan/09/the-orchid-and-the-dandelion-by-w-thomas-boyce-review#:~:text=He%20argues%20that%20four%20fifths,particular%20environment%20and%20careful%20gardening.

not entirely sure I agree with all that - but idea some children need more perfect conditions does have I think some merit to it and that others despite poor childhood go on to do well in life is an observable phenomenon.

Our hardest years were when we had little social capital or financial capital and young kids but we also had a lot of bad luck. Some of those bad luck events we'd blip pass now with little effect due to savings or kids being old enough to help out a few would still hit us badly now though with fewer other stresses we'd probably handle better.

We had two involved parents in childhood - mostly bar few issues had our health - and born to a rich western country so got an education means we'd hit jackpot in many respects and hopefully will give a stable foundation for our kids lives.

The reason the people in this room do not need the services of Centrepoint is that their parents loved and cared for them

That is so poignant.

If you come from a stable, loving family unit you are off to a big fucking head start. Because that solid foundation will carry you through life's dumps, and give you the personal resilience and faith in humanity to triumph over adversity. You will come out a winner - in other words, you will have the strength as a grounded adult to turn disadvantageous situations round.

There is social capital, financial capital and personal capital. If you don't have one, you need the others

Yes @MrsTerryPratchett I agree completely.

However, I think if say the social capital of a safety net of family is not and has never been there, and serious health issues from youth impede the ability for basic functioning let alone relentless hard work (so badly denting the personal capital) things get very precarious indeed. It's hard to build any savings if the foundations just aren't there.

A loving secure family as a child will make a huge difference.

But choosing a partner is as important, particularly if you have children with them.

Without exception, at the age of 45, the female peers I know flying high in their careers have partners who are scrupulous about equality in housework and childcare. Without exception, the ones who are struggling are the ones whose partners, for example, find laundry ‘too confusing’. All too often, women marry their glass ceiling. And then, eventually, divorce them.
Caitlin Moran

There are countless threads on mumsnet of women who knowingly have children with fuckwits.

Anyone else tend to get hung up on the small unlucky things and tend to forget about the big lucky things? Like yes I live in a nice house and am healthy but the traffic was bad and I forgot something and my laptop crashed and I have a headcold and someone was rude to me today. I can feel very victimised some days and need an almighty kick up the back side to remember how incredibly lucky I am.

Luck is a lot of it.

But so is good/poor decision making.

But then, arguably, luck will impact whether you make good or poor decisions - someone who was brought up by loving parents who role modelled making good decisions will probably find it easier to make good choices.

So I guess, mostly just luck.

It makes me sad that a lot of foster youth are basically on their own while they are still teens, without the scaffolding so many of their peers will have, for example.

That emotional and practical scaffolding can be almost invisible too in a way. It's just seamlessly built into the lives of kids who know their family will always have their back.

Because luck and opportunity is not spread evenly. Some people are born with disabilities, some people are born with bodies especially suited to a particular sport, lots are somewhere in the middle.

Good fortune breeds further good fortune, and bad things lead to more bad things. Two people of identical ability could take two identical jobs at different employers. One's manager is excellent and they go from strength to strength. The other's manager is an arsehole and holds them back.

Sure, the second can get a new job, but they are effectively set back to the beginning of their journey. As we see with women returning from maternity leave, a year away from the business is usually never caught up.

Meanwhile the first has experience and the environment to better themselves. If the two people apply for the same job a year later, the first is likely to be in a much better place.

Good fortune breeds further good fortune, and bad things lead to more bad things

This is a really good point too @Dotjones

Nothing succeeds like success!

Luck is huge and I feel so grateful to be born in to luck and opportunity but I also feel that your personal attributes and outlook influence things. Although arguably those are heavily influenced by your early life experiences.

I have a friend who has had something sad happen in her life a few years back but no worse than a lot of people and she has a lot of lovely things in her life but can only see the things that are crap. She makes out everyone else has an easy ride and hers is harder even when someone else is having a horrendous time, example she gave me the other week an ex colleague of ours had a stroke and was struggling with recovery, her response "my life is so crap all I hear about is bad news".

It's complete nonsense to say that everyone has the same amount of shit to deal with in their lives. It obviously varies hugely.

There is some degree of subjectivity in it as different people experience things differently, what is easy for some will be hard for others, etc. But objectively, I don't think, for example, the king of England has had as difficult a life as a refugee who has fled war in their home country and faced things like violence, horrific bereavements, poverty, disease and racism.

Some people are inherently privileged at birth, by where or when they are born or to which family, or for a multitude of other reasons. Some people just have good luck, others have bad luck.

I think it’s difficult to assess.

My early life - loving parents, private education, all my needs met (even if at the time, I thought not buying me the latest barbie was the tantamount to neglect)

My young adult life - victim of rape, severe mental health struggles and a result of it and issues with my physical health. Boyfriend at the time abusive. Failed out of uni.

Now - professional well paying job, happy marriage, healthy child, nice house. We don’t have it all but we are certainly very fortunate.

I acknowledge that my parents supported me through the difficult times even when I was doing my best to come off the rails and that is why my life is good now. People may look at my life and assume it is reasonably easy and perfect but I wouldn’t wish some of what I’ve suffered on my worst enemy

God of course not. I know some STUNNINGLY unfortunate people.

I think if you don't, it's easy to "oh they should just" about the poor/unfortunate. You're not familiar with how lives can just throw 1s from the get-go.
Mother into drink and drugs. Kid ends up with Gran. Gran gets sick and no help to look after them so kid effectively leaves school at 13. No qualifications. Stuck out with crap public transport so hard even to get unskilled jobs which are all other side of town. Can't walk because shoes are shit and no money for better ones. Etc etc etc

You make you're own luck. The people who seem to be struggling with things like this are the ones who always seem to be arguing, late, never prepared, etc.

I think most of us go through phases - some times are really hard, other times are easier.

That's life.😗

It is the luck of family that you were born into, what type of personality you have and just general good luck to not have anything terrible happen to you. If all of those happen to fall in your favour, then you are very lucky indeed.

Luck. I was unlucky enough to have ADHD, my sibling doesn’t. Their life is ‘picture perfect’ and mine is a car wreck in comparison.

I think some people are born into a life in which they simply cannot lose. I'm thinking of those born in to extremely wealthy and powerful families, who will enjoy the benefits of an expensive education, a 'proper' upbringing and all the privilege that comes along with it. It won't be their fault, of course, but I can see how it would be quite tempting for someone who has benefitted from such privilege to seek to distance themselves from it, and claim that anyone can have what they have as long as they work hard enough for it. To me, that is utterly disingenuous.

The uncomfortable truth is that, if you come from such a family, you will always have the support and resources you need to deal with whatever life throws at you, and that will probably help you manage difficult circumstances more effectively. If you have a neurodivergent child, for example, you will be able to afford domestic help and secure access to private healthcare and specialist schooling. If you become sick, you can again rely on private healthcare and won't have to worry about losing your job because you have independent wealth. It's a parallel universe, to be honest.

It’s also matter of perspective.
Many have said life can seem they have it all/easy life.
And then ho and say they have a partner and kids, not realizing they are the lucky one’s.