Why do some people have comparatively smooth easy lives, and others the opposite?

[Unbalance]

I mean I think it's down to random luck really, there is no why. But it's just on my mind.

Lots of people seem to believe that we all get dealt roughly a similar amount of shit over a lifetime but I really don't think that's true. Some people seem notably more lucky than others overall?

Do you believe everyone gets an approximately similar slice of shit pie?

Normally depends on where you start. I was born to shit parents and a shitty life. My brother has unfortunately followed suit whereas me and my sister have completely different lives to the one we were born into.

My sister thinks this is down to work ethic, I'm not sure. I don't know what makes some children look at their shitty surroundings and think it's normal and others not (I remember being 7 and knowing it wasn't normal and I couldn't wait to grow up and leave.)

That start in life though can have a huge impact on your adult life.. lack of confidence meaning you stay in bad situations that more rounded people would walk away from sooner. I remember in my 20s being so jealous of friends that could just get over breakups easier, change careers without months of anxiety, Your start in life has an impact for years and years,

So maybe it's a mixture of bad luck and lack of opportunity. Some people seem to breeze through life easily.. I'm still a bit jealous if I'm being honest.

So my parents were together and offered a stable happy home. This has been shown to offer a material advantage. How did I contribute to that?

Well... My in laws seem to have it all relatively easy. But I don't like them much :) I love my husband and he's had it pretty easy.

I had a fairly shit life, and there are some aspects of this which make me act in ways which continue to give me some troubles as an adult, but largely I try to see that my life and future are in my control and I can make things easier for myself.

My kids have a good and easy life. I hope that continues for them.

I think some people have a rubbish hand. That usually begins from early trauma and they r never shown or believe there is an easier route. Someone incredibly close to me had a crap and traumatic childhood. As a result they now have severe and enduring mental health difficulties, live shut in one room and isolated. Their whole life has been hard, but sadly it was set out that way for them from a young age, and services will never have enough money to spend the time supporting someone like him to learn there are other and happier ways to live.

Life is unfair and it's shit. But I don't know the solution...

I was coming on to say this. If it’s a very close long term friend or very close family then yes, possibly you can make an argument they’ve had a charmed life and avoided steaming cow pats. Beyond these people you know very well I have learnt it is best not to judge or enquire.

It's a mixture of family/support networks, luck, good decision making, working smarter not harder, planning, etc. The better the support network, the better outcome from bad decision making or bad planning or bad luck. Likewise bad luck can be mitigated by good planning and good decision making, etc.

The reason the people in this room do not need the services of Centrepoint is that their parents loved and cared for them
That is so poignant.

No it's not, it's rubbish. A percentage of the people in that room would not have had parents who loved and cared for them but they still didn't need the services of Centrepoint. Unless you know everyone's history in great detail you can never make such a judgement.

There’s no balancing force out there

This.

My childhood was really awful, but my adult life has been very good. So far. I suppose even things that have been not so great in adulthood, don’t feel so bad in comparison to what my life was like as a child so it’s partly mindset.

I do think I’m genuinely very fortunate now though, to have a great partner, happy children and the best friends I could ask for as well as having financial security. Much of it is probably that I’ve made good decisions but I think a lot of it is just luck. Some people seem to do everything ‘right’ and things just don’t work out for them.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I know a good number of people who appear lucky and who have a picture perfect life on the surface, but the reality is actually very different.

A lot of life is just luck and chance, but having a good start in life (loving parents, a stable home and access to good education) makes a huge difference. If your parents have modelled good relationships and sensible decisions, and have taught you things like budgeting and morals, you'll be in a better position to advocate for yourself than someone who was never taught those things.

I know someone who had the most awful start in life, and they truly believe that they are unlucky and crap keeps coming their way. A lot of the crises in their life are of their own making. Not turning up to job interviews and when they have a job not turning up on time and not doing much work when they are there. Repeatedly having to move because they’ve broken the terms of their tenancy again. Never having any money because it’s spent as soon as they get it. They are not unlucky but they might appear to be to someone who doesn’t know them well.

Nope. I have a friend. Grew up in extreme poverty. Has a rare genetic condition which she passed to her son before she was diagnosed. No education, crap dad and siblings, son with a disability, she may die very early of her condition. Son was bullied so badly because of his issues that he is now homeschooled. So she can't work great hours. She's a cleaner and works VERY hard usually.

Tell me how the son chose his luck.

I also have ADHD.

I like my life just as it is and have learned to fight the impulsive bits of ADHD that could have the potential to turn my life into a car wreck.

What I can't stand is people pinning blame onto why their life isn't how they imagined it to be.

Regardless of the hand you get dealt, how you manage that hand and optimism go a long way.

I use ADHD to my advantage - I can get super obsessed and focused on things sometimes which helped me do well in certain things!

Do some reading on how to control the bit of your brain that is responsible for fight/flight responses and impulsivity. It's easier for non ADHD people but just needs a bit more work for others.

I do think that your family is a hige factor on how much comes your way.
A loving, caring, stable environment while growing up is key. It gives confidence to the individual. You learn to forsee opportunities, take them, avoid chaos and take issues on your stride. You learn to discuss and argue your point, without getting on a spiral of despair and self destruction. Especially, if your parents are wise emotionally and they can recognise faults in your character and nurture you to overcome them.
Then, it is not that much of how much shit you are dealt (because we all get plenty of that!), but how you react to it, by dodging it, sorting it, remaining calm and positive. Phychological strength and instrospection are key to make the best out of your life.

The "awful start" is most likely connected to the decision-making that to you is unfathomable.

Developmental trauma/ childhood trauma changes neurological structures.

From a global perspective the country that you were born into is probably one of the most significant factors in determining many life opportunities.
The idea that life should get better and better is a fairly western one. In other parts of the world there is much more acceptance that there will be ups and downs. I think that may make a difference as to how you perceive luck 🤔

I think for most people life is full of ups and downs . Most people have some serious shit to deal with but for some people it's one crises or tragedy on top of another and most often they are the most undeserving and haven't brought it upon themselves.

Yet for some people they have golden lives, no traumas or money worries etc , they have told me so and they know they are blessed . Lift just falls their way .

I agree with the stable loving home and parent being important, because you know you have people that have got your backs and will support you to reach your goals. It's knowing you are unconditionally loved and cherished . Having that stable base .

Luck
Definitely not #blessed.

My life is pretty hard going snd my partner has the worst luck of anybody I've ever met. It's ridiculous, like something from a sitcom it's that bad.

However I will say, aside from the things we cannot chnage or control (such at death in the family or ill health that us behond our control) most people can do things to improve their situations but choose not to. Or focus on the negative. Or have made decisions with lasting consequences that they now have to deal with. These actions we find hard to take responsibility for, which is completely normal! But its something everybody needs to work on. Once we take ownership of things we often find we can steer ourselves towards better outcomes. It's also very easy to blame other people for our own unhappiness or insecurities but really the only person who can fix those is ourselves.

I think some of it comes down to people's values.

Some people prioritise comfort and ease, and some people's values are less aligned with the situation around them. Many people choose to do things that make their lives harder, sometimes its for temporary gratification, but sometimes its for a bigger goal.

Like, if you were a German in 30s Germany, your life would be considerably more comfortable if you went along with - or at least did not object to - the persecution of minorities.

No one ‘sails through’ imo.
Also the idea that people ‘attract’ or manifest bad experiences is absolutely toxic bs.

Yes but a lot of those who 'actively seek out shit' are likely to have had worst childhoods than those who 'cope and thrive', and those childhoods will have set them in patterns of behaviour that even they do not recognise. And people are born with different personality traits which they have inherited. You can't choose your parents. There's always a reason for how people behave.

It is random, but also some people are a lot more vocal about their struggles than others. Lots of people might not have the perfect lives you think they have.

I have been incredibly lucky in my 52 years. No guarantee that will continue, but I do appreciate my good fortune.

I had a very hard pregnancy and delivery. My baby was born dead and doctors had to resuscitate her. Luckily they did that. When her doctor came to my room later that night he said that we were lucky, another minute and she would have been dead.
It was luck, pure luck and nothing else.

This is very interesting. My dd (adopted) has two sisters who have been through the care system and unfortunately didn't have a good experience. At 20 and 21 they have no family support, no money or jobs to support themselves, and unfortunately neither of them are very bright and have very little insight into their situation. They have both had a string of truly awful boyfriends, one of whom is in prison for repeatedly assaulting her. (They are still together). They are also both pregnant. Its not just about attitude, life really is just completely shit for some people.

A lot of comments on this post show people don't get it.
Anyone can have one or two pieces of bad luck. A chronic illness, a few miscarriages etc. They are difficult but also a normal amount of things to happen.

Bad luck is when repeated things happen. I don't think I have badluck, but I don't think I have good luck either. I do try and be grateful for what I have.

My mum was not abusive but struggled and as a result was in poverty and died young. Her own mum spent a lot of time in psychiatric hospitals. My dad had multiple children by different women and is a waste of space.

I worked very hard at school as I wanted a better life. But from 18 I was financially and practically on my own. I was desperate for a partner to love me and got together with someone emotionally abusive. He ground me down so much I tried to kill myself. A friend helped me find somewhere to live and I moved on. Then various things I don't even think about now. Was raped, had a house fire from a candle when electric was cut off, have a chronic illness.

Then met DP, married and had a child. DP was then diagnosed with a life limiting genetic illness and my DC has it too. Hospital appointments and physio are an everyday part of our lives.

And in between redundancies, bereavements- I have no family outside my DP and DC, and every day challenges.

I don't think I am lucky, but I do have fun times with DP and DC. But I do feel a bit battered by life. And yet I know I have an easier life than some people I grew up with.

I am always amazed at those threads about opportunities you didn't take. I have taken every opportunity I ever had. So now I do have a house and financially okay, although not compared to MN average. But we are not in poverty and I know what that looks like. And it has taken a lot of work for me to get where I am.