Why do some people have comparatively smooth easy lives, and others the opposite?

[Unbalance]

I mean I think it's down to random luck really, there is no why. But it's just on my mind.

Lots of people seem to believe that we all get dealt roughly a similar amount of shit over a lifetime but I really don't think that's true. Some people seem notably more lucky than others overall?

Do you believe everyone gets an approximately similar slice of shit pie?

I am thinking of a childhood friend of mine who had a loving mother and father, three brothers and three sisters. They lived in an inherited mansion. Both parents were doctors, her father a surgeon who founded and part owned a successful private hospital. She had a wonderful childhood, every blessing, charm, health, looks, and every prospect of a great life.

Unfortunately she was unlucky in being drawn to substances and an unsuitable relationship, and it all went wrong for her.

We don't know what is in our cards and it can change at any time.

Luck is a massive factor

I know - I've been lucky in many ways.

I think perception is part of it though. I always consider myself really lucky and a friend once told me i was good at disregarding the unlucky bits.

I have a spiritual take on it. I think we are all here to grow spiritually. Sometimes
theres specific lessons and challenges we have to overcome. I’m one of the ones who is not lucky and seem to have trauma after trauma.. however I also have realised that I am drawn to things that tend to lead to those experiences and I overcome them, but sometimes I have to repeat the same thing over and over.
I actually don’t think happiness is the goal of us being here I think we are here to grow and learn lessons. I am very interested in the theory that people choose their paths before they were born. Maybe if there was some higher meaning to it beyond that which we know then it’s feasible that some people would choose 70 years of quite a lot of suffering if it advanced their souls quicker than someone who chose to have things easy.

I know a lot of really lucky people and a lot of them wouldn’t cope with a fraction of what I have. I think they also lack depth of character- so they tend to meet similarly lacking people and they never really grow as people.

I always think of that great quote about privilege too, something like 'if you don't believe in privilege playing a role in success then you must believe that all the rich white men in senior roles genuinely were the best candidate for the job'.

@Luciansmum6 but what about horrific stuff, I used to work with someone who lost her three year old to cancer, then lost her mum and gran in the next year to cancer. She had also had a miscarriage. It just seemed relentless and I thought that if I was her, I would just never want to wake up again.
Maybe just one of those tragedies could be viewed as life changing or character building or whatever, but why should anyone have to go through so much pain? And some, like me, face hardly any adversity?

Just as another angle on the 'make your own luck' argument - sure I read that there's a difference in success levels between the people who attribute their achievements to their own choices and those who ascribe it to fortune/fate. Whether it's true that you make your own luck or not (and i don't think it is), the mindset that tells you that you made it happen can be a helpful factor.

I’m one of the ones who is not lucky and seem to have trauma after trauma.. however I also have realised that I am drawn to things that tend to lead to those experiences and I overcome them, but sometimes I have to repeat the same thing over and over

We are all unconsciously repeating patterns from our early years If the modelling is dysfunctional, it usually can take time to untangle and break away from it.

However nobody is "drawn to" stuff like developing leukemia as a kid, or any other random life changing disease or disability, or indeed watching multiple family members die of cancer.

We don't choose (actively, or unconsciously) all of the significant turns in the road.

@Unbalance
But I'd be very careful about assuming that people "choose to let bad things" happen. I don't think it's that simple at all

And there’s schools of philosophical thought that take this to extreme, positing that free will as we like to conceive of it doesn’t exist at all. IE every action has precise causes and circumstances of which we are helpless in the face of. Everything we experience in this reality can only be the way it is.

And there’s schools of philosophical thought that take this to extreme, positing that free will as we like to conceive of it doesn’t exist at all. IE every action has precise causes and circumstances of which we are helpless in the face of. Everything we experience in this reality can only be the way it is

@anotherside

Woah, scary!

Let me have my optimistic illusions, dammit!

Yes, exactly.

I find the idea that bad shit happens for some spiritual development benefit rather horrifying. It seems grotesque and malevolent.

I consider myself a spiritual person in a very quiet way but...not like that.

I've had a lot of random unexpected events, not necessarily all bad e.g. falling pregnant while on the pill at 21 and being a young single mum but also horrific, e.g. ex partner suffering encephalitis and being left permanently severely brain injured.

What I would say, is that I've been able to brush myself off (to a certain extent) and carry on, these events could permanently ruin the life of someone else but, I am very fortunate that I come from a wealthy, emotionally intelligent, loving and supportive family who 'buffered' the trauma and cushioned the blow allowing me to not experience these events as life limiting.

To use your words- these events have been cow pats on my head but for others they could have been a fall into the slurry pit.

I knew so many people would misunderstand me. I’m not saying people consciously or subconsciously choose everything bad happening I just think before we are born our souls have many lives and choose the ones they need to experience. We aren’t conscious of choosing this choice and we as our bodies now in this life don’t chose these things happening.

when I said drawn to I obviously don’t mean we are drawn to leukaemia I mean we might be drawn to people who teach us lessons good or bad. An actual philosopher could explain it better

I’m not saying people consciously or subconsciously choose everything bad happening I just think before we are born our souls have many lives and choose the ones they need to experience. We aren’t conscious of choosing this choice and we as our bodies now in this life don’t chose these things happening.

So our souls choose before we land on earth? But you are somehow disconnecting us as mortals from our souls?

If our souls are responsible for making the choice, that seems a great way for more fortunate people to relax and not have to worry about those who are in a sticky wicket. After all their soul chose it, so...

You will get slated, but at some level you are not wrong about general population with no actual disadvantaged like disability etc.
The least successful in life people I met were very much know it alls, never wished anyone success, never celebrated anyone, any new idea of someone was met with negative "but" and that's how
And my definition of success is being comfortable not rich

Because life ain't fair, and is curiously random.

I have found that there are two types of people that have comparatively smooth easy lives.

The first are laid back and roles with the punches bouncing from one thing to the next.

The other type are the ones that stop others from having comparatively smooth easy lives by being arseholes to those around them.

My dad always said you should choose your parents very carefully. I would say that careful planning and sensible choices also plays a role in the ease of your life.

I used to think getting beaten up by my father was normal, and everyone got their hair pulled or punched in the face by their dad :( its when I realised that it didnt happen to everyone that hit the hardest, then getting bullied at school I blamed myself for it and still do. I dont get jealous of other people who didn't get hit or bullied because some people hide their inner battles, what someone else thinks is an easier life might not be.
Someone said to me 'you've had a hard life' I responded with I've had it better than some, which is true. Always someone else worse off than me, I think I'm lucky when I use that mindset

Good fortune breeds good fortune. The more you have, the more you get, by and large.

I had a very abusive childhood-physically, emotionally and sexually (which 8 year old me was blamed for), my mother actually came very close to killing me once which I still have flashbacks of, abandoned and rejected by my adored father after my parents divorce at age 5 when he met a woman with a daughter the same age as me so I was replaced (abuse started afterwards), terrible stepfather and half siblings who were trained to hate me, horrendously bullied at school and no one cared or helped me.

I have the strength, resilience and intelligence of the Hulk, the optimism and positivity of Pollyanna BUT the amount of shit I have had to deal with as an adult is more like one of those massive cakes on wheels that someone jumps out of not a pie, let alone a slice.

I did not invite it in, my life is not chaotic as I’m an excellent problem solver, but I am constantly fighting against it.

The very traumatic and cruel death of a child to a rare and unheard of syndrome (million to one chance of getting it), a further 2 x disabled children with totally unrelated conditions (one life threatening) that are not hereditary, 3 serious car accidents that were non fault leaving me with a back and neck condition, raped and left with an STD in my early 20’s, life long medical condition that took 20 years to get diagnosed, a financial catastrophe that was genuinely bad luck meaning realistically I’ll never own my own home again and have to keep moving again and again to more and more expensive, insecure rented properties, two really toxic work environments that affected my whole career and mental health, currently in the middle of something really stressful and important (legal) that should have been straightforward and over a long time ago but of course it isn’t! That’s just the bigger things and there’s been many smaller turds to deal with.

I used to think my evil witch of mother put a hex on me now I sometimes think that I was marked by the bloody universe for an endurance test!

It’s to do with the start you are given in life but also to do with how many protective factors you have. It’s not as simple, as someone up thread implied, that people can get on with it if they have to.

If for example, you have an abusive parent but you have a sibling who you are close to, this is a protective factor.

The more protective factors you have, the easier life will be regardless of your experiences.

So someone like me and DH who are both from happy, financially stable families where our parents are still together have a financial and emotional parachute when times get tough.

some people don't seem to take agency of their actions and behaviors.
family and life history can cause you to have bad habits but how many times do you repeat those same bad habits with dreadful consequences before you realize you are creating your own shit situation and more.

I think we ought to add white privilege to this conversation. You are more likely to be 'lucky' if you are born white.

@Harrumphy Sorry you've been through all that that's not stuff you can avoid with a positive outlook and organised life. It's not fair at all.

Absolutely agree.