Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Life has to be perfect for us to marry

229 replies

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 10:38

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough.

This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness.

I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 10:40

And just to say my definition of a wedding doesn't have to be thousands and a big fancy ordeal. I'm happy doing it in a garden

OP posts:

YallaYallaaa · 20/07/2023 10:40

YANBU.

If he wanted to be married to you, he’d just marry you.

stbrandonsboat · 20/07/2023 10:40

Sounds like he doesn't want to get married and he's stringing you along. Waiting until everything is perfect is an unrealistic and immature thing to come out with.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 20/07/2023 10:41

He is stringing you along op.

MeinKraft · 20/07/2023 10:41

You'll be waiting forever.

PIeaseCreateAUsername · 20/07/2023 10:43

What do you mean by this, I think context matters here:

our situation in life is less than idealic right now

Ep1cfail · 20/07/2023 10:43

Nothing is ever perfect. It's an unrealistic expectation. Marriage is about love but it's also about partnership. Its a commitment to overcome challenges together. Life isn't always happy.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 20/07/2023 10:43

Life is very rarely perfect beyond a couple of months at a time. Also can he define what his definition of 'perfect' is as that could actually be unrealistic. My idea of perfect is a 3 bed semi, nice garden, no grumpy teenager. This is unrealistic for at least another 10 years!

LuvSmallDogs · 20/07/2023 10:44

Yanbu, it would be fair enough if he said "look, I want us to have £X saved so that we can show X number of guests a good time" and then started planning overtime/cutting back luxuries to do it. But a vague goal of "perfection" is an excuse!

MojoMoon · 20/07/2023 10:45

Being married isn't the natural consequence of having a perfect life.

Being married means having certain legal rights - if you think those legal rights are important to have (being each other's next of kin, inheritance tax exemption, claims on joint property) then it doesn't matter if the rest of your life is perfect or rubbish - you should nip down the town hall and get married for whatever a licence costs these days (80 quid?)

Tbh the legal rights of marriage are potentially more useful when life is hard, not when it's perfect.

You could throw a party when your life is perfect

Jongleterre · 20/07/2023 10:45

He will wave 'it's got to be perfect' over your head until you split up and then he will get married to someone else fairly quickly.

I've seen it happen a gazillion times.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2023 10:45

Life is never going to be perfect so he basically never wants to marry you

TheOtterInTheHat · 20/07/2023 10:46

YANBU. I dated one of these people. Everything had to be perfect, our entire situation had to be perfect before we could take the relationship to the next step. Guess what? Perfection is a pipe dream because you can get every box on your list checked and you’ll still be adding checkboxes to it.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 20/07/2023 10:47

What does 'perfect' mean to him?

dodeca · 20/07/2023 10:47

Stringing you along. Putting things off for a different time is generally because someone doesn’t want to do something. A bit like if I said, I’ll put those art prints up tomorrow. I won’t do it. I’m not that bothered about it.
I never understand people that save things for best/a better time. Carpe diem… eat the cake, wear the dress, marry the love of your life… what are you waiting for? Sorry OP, I just think you know the answer or you wouldn’t have been posting x

TomatoSandwiches · 20/07/2023 10:47

He doesn't want to marry you, you are right to question his love imo.
Do what's best for you op, have a good long hard think about what you want from life and go from there.

StormShadow · 20/07/2023 10:48

He may very well love you, but his behaviour indicates that he doesn't want to marry you and isn't prepared to just come out and say it.

Does DC have his surname by any chance?

Wishimaywishimight · 20/07/2023 10:50

He really needs to specify exactly what he means by "perfect" otherwise he can just keep making such vague statements and putting it off indefinitely.

I do agree, though, that people who really want to be married do not wait until life is "perfect" (is life ever perfect??).

Defiantlynot41 · 20/07/2023 10:52

I'd say that's definitely a ploy to keep you in line/keeping him sweet. Things are NEVER perfect , there will always be a "next thing" for him to hold over you. Sorry, OP

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2023 10:54

PIeaseCreateAUsername · 20/07/2023 10:43

What do you mean by this, I think context matters here:

our situation in life is less than idealic right now

This.

BiscuitBean · 20/07/2023 10:54

I spent 6 years with someone like this…we couldn’t try for a baby because we had to be married first, and that couldn’t happen until everything was perfect. I wanted a small wedding…nope, it had to be a big fancy song and dance. We split.

A year later he had a baby with someone else who he moved in less than 2 months after I left. They’re now married as well.

He’s full of shit, OP. Sorry.

upsidedownandturnaround · 20/07/2023 10:54

This is a strange one as I could've written this myself. My partner and I have spoken about marriage and it was always something we said we'd do. We have a toddler now, financially stable life, both own our house together. He is dragging his heels on marriage as he says life it always too hectic with a little one, also wants to wait until things are 'perfect'. So OP, my advice is to not become financially dependent on him, have your own income / savings. Put yourself first. This is what I'm currently doing.

Changingplace · 20/07/2023 10:55

On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now

Can you expand? If for example your living situation isn’t great and he wants to spend money on a house rather than a flash wedding, then I could see his point.

I’m just making that up, but without knowing what’s not great but could be fixed in the future it’s hard to say whether what he’s saying is reasonable or not.

NoSunNoSun · 20/07/2023 10:56

He’s a stringer.

mummymeister · 20/07/2023 10:57

Perfect isnt a thing, its an excuse. an excuse to delay and delay because really he isnt that committed to being married. is it a red line for you? do you want to continue a relationship with him without being married? what about kids?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread