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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life has to be perfect for us to marry

229 replies

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 10:38

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough.

This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness.

I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 20/07/2023 11:16

OP, have you safeguarded your financial position in case your DP walks out? As an unmarried cohabitee, you have a lot less protection than if you were married.
What is your housing situation - rent or mortgage? Whose name is on the tenancy/mortgage agreement? Do you have life assurance? Are you listed as each other’s next of kin?
And have you told your DP that it upsets you not to be married, that it makes you question his commitment and love? What does he reply- that he doesn’t care? That your feelings matter less than his?

SadieContrary · 20/07/2023 11:16

Life is rarely 'perfect' purely because it's real life! Even love isn't always perfect. You're tied to this man for life in some way now as you already have a child together so not sure of his reticence. I agree with @mummymeister, sounds like an excuse to me.
My opinion towards it would be 'despite things not being perfect, we are committed together to attempt in making them so'.

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2023 11:16

Why don't you talk, and put some sensible, realistic goals in place.

And hold him to them. So you can start planning.

If he backs away then you have your answer.

Though to be honest, I'm not sure what difference being married would make now.

TeamSleep · 20/07/2023 11:16

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:10

@tanstaafl thats what it feels like....

Now I don't know what to do or how to broach the subject let alone how I feel about our relationship.

I would just have a conversation saying it’s important to you and the reasons why. Go from there.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 20/07/2023 11:17

This may be a bit controversial but did he have much choice about continuing the pregnancy?

You say he said "we'll make it work" but realistically isn't that the only option he had without either breaking up or co-ercing you into having an abortion?

Marriage is a big deal to lots of people - it has huge legal and financial risks tied to it especially if you're the higher earner or the one bringing more to the table in terms of property.

If I was with someone and our situation was (in your own words) "less than ideal" I don't think I'd want to commit to marriage either.

Sunnymummy8 · 20/07/2023 11:17

He didn’t want it to be ‘perfect’ before he created another life.. which can be a lot more expensive then a wedding.. so I find it hard to believe he’s waiting for things to be ‘perfect’..
is he self conscious, worried about the attention?

Saschka · 20/07/2023 11:18

You don’t necessarily have to split up with him - but I’d take your ring off and just acknowledge you are a normal boyfriend and girlfriend with no plans to marry in the foreseeable future. Proceed accordingly - if that is a dealbreaker for you then of course split up, but there’s no reason you can’t stay in the relationship if you are both happy together.

5128gap · 20/07/2023 11:18

It would be unwise to marry any grown adult who believes in the notion of a perfect life and sees commitment as conditional on that.
Most people's lives contain good and bad patches, fortunate and misfortune, happiness and misery. A good marriage involves two people sticking together through all of that.
Perhaps he is merely poor at self expression and what he really means is he wants to start the marriage when certain specific challenges have been overcome, which may not be unreasonable. But if he's genuinely waiting for his idea of perfection to arrive, well in your shoes, I'd be leaving him to face that lengthy wait alone.

Joystir59 · 20/07/2023 11:19

I've been married twice and in both cases we both really wanted to be married and that desire wasn't dependent on favourable material circumstances. Both long lasting wonderful relationships

VictoriaVenkman · 20/07/2023 11:19

Actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to marry you, he would. He should know life is never perfect, to be honest it sounds like a stalling tactic rather than a legitimate reason.

StellaJohanna · 20/07/2023 11:20

Please don't be offended. I am speaking from observation of men as I have spent most of my working life working in factories and sites supervising them and I've known thousands well over the years. They marry when they are afraid of losing you. Usually, because they don't want to lose you to another man because they know you are a catch. But you have a child and I guess live together? He has all the benefits of marriage without the legal contract. He has no fear of losing you.

He has no logical reason to marry you that will benefit him directly. If he has no religion, he doesn't believe he is declaring vows to you under God, either. So it's just a legal contract with a party attached. I've noticed over the last 5-10 years that many of the decent young men I meet are adamant about not getting married under any circumstances. They don't see it to their benefit to do so.

LivinDaylights · 20/07/2023 11:22

He's dragging his heels, he doesn't want to marry you, if he did he would marry you now (or at least set the date!!). If you waited for everything in life to be perfect well you'll be waiting forever, there's no such thing, there's always something.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/07/2023 11:24

I wouldn’t have married anyone without a realistic.prospect of perfection. On the other hand, neither would I have had a child prior to being married.

The wisest words I have ever heard "get engaged, get married, have a child". In that order.

Alarae · 20/07/2023 11:26

When it boils down to it, a marriage is between two people who want to. If marriage is important, then a trip to the courthouse you go.

If you want a wedding to celebrate the marriage, then I understand if there are conditions. For example, my DH and I wanted to get married but thought it was more prudent to get on the housing ladder first before spending a chunk of money on a wedding. We were happy to delay a marriage so that we could tie the wedding party and marriage together.

I can understand if he is reluctant to say yes to planning a wedding if there are other constraints on your financial position and he wants to wait for those to resolve before spending money on a wedding. If he doesn't want to marry you even if you go for the cheapest ceremony possible, then I think you have bigger problems. Especially when you have a child, which basically is more of a tie than marriage ever will be.

TeamSleep · 20/07/2023 11:26

It’s worth considering that he might not want to get married because of the thought of having a wedding. Either you’re not in a financial position to have the kind of wedding he would want or that he doesn’t want a big wedding. So bring that into the discussion and see whether you can find a compromise on the way you get married. If you’re already living together and have a child then there really is no difference to the life you have now if you get married except better protection for you and your child that he won’t be able to up and leave you with nothing.

Badger1970 · 20/07/2023 11:27

You're living together, have a child together. But he's not prepared to commit to the one part of the relationship that may have a financial impact on him...

Original poster
Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:27

I don't want to push him into an ultimatum as I know he would just say yes to keep me. I want it to be genuine. I can't believe this can be the end of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:28

@TeamSleep I've told him I'm happy to elope for now and if we are in a "perfect situation" in 5 years time or whatever we could potentially do a wedding if we are bothered. It's NOT about the wedding for me

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 20/07/2023 11:29

When it boils down to it, a marriage is between two people who want to. If marriage is important, then a trip to the courthouse you go.

I don't actually think it's that straightforward. I mean, I want lots of things but that doesn't mean it would be sensible or practical to have them.

For me, marriage wasn't a commitment I was willing to make until other criteria were met. That doesn't mean I didn't want to get married or that marriage wasn't important, but that it was also important that other things were in place beforehand.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 20/07/2023 11:30

When they want to marry you they do because their too worried someone else will snap you up.

Hes stringing you along.

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 11:30

OP, if he wanted to marry he would.

He is putting it on the long finger.

Did you push for the engagement?

Did he agree to shut you up.

When men love you and want to be with you, you never feel confused.
Men act decisively when they know what they want.

This is why women having children before they get married is such a bad idea if marriage is really important to them in the first place.

They always get messed about.

They would save themselves so much heartache if they simply said marriage before children is MY preference.

So many men are happy to have a child but balk at marriage.

This is inexplicably to me.

Having a child with someone is a huge commitment, much bigger than getting married, but so many men don't feel like that.

So if a man isn't interested in getting married and marriage is important to YOU.....

Best to pass on having a child IMO.

escapingthecity · 20/07/2023 11:30

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 10:40

And just to say my definition of a wedding doesn't have to be thousands and a big fancy ordeal. I'm happy doing it in a garden

Weddings in private gardens mostly aren't legal in England.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/07/2023 11:33

Why is it going to take you ten years to figure out what you want to do as far as work is concerned?

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/07/2023 11:34

escapingthecity · 20/07/2023 11:30

Weddings in private gardens mostly aren't legal in England.

Show quote history

They are in Scotland, possibly Ireland also. Not sure about Wales.

But I'm sure OPs point was more to illustrate the lack of grandeur that she is expecting for a wedding.

LivinDaylights · 20/07/2023 11:34

RosesAndHellebores · 20/07/2023 11:24

I wouldn’t have married anyone without a realistic.prospect of perfection. On the other hand, neither would I have had a child prior to being married.

The wisest words I have ever heard "get engaged, get married, have a child". In that order.

Op is hopping in her time machine as I speak, following your wise words!