Page 2 | Life has to be perfect for us to marry

Magneticlotus · 2023-07-20T09:38:56+00:00

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough. This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness. I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us. Aibu?

Merryoldgoat · 20/07/2023 10:57

I don’t understand getting engaged without a concrete plan to get married - what’s the point?

You aren’t engaged - you are just a couple.

What are the imperfections holding him back?

RegeRegeRege · 20/07/2023 11:00

I think people are being harsh immediately jumping to OP being strung along here, there really needs to be more context given.

OP what do you mean by your situation is less than ideal right now?

If you’re struggling by every month financially, relationship is going through a rocky patch, living in your parents house but trying to save for your own etc then I can see why your DP might not want to get married just yet, however if it’s just that you’re tightening your belts a bit and forgoing takeaways or something like that then he’s being unrealistic to wait for the ‘perfect’ time.

Parkandpicnic · 20/07/2023 11:00

He’s stringing you along, honestly don’t waste any more of your life with this guy

Original poster

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:01

@StormShadow surname is double barrel.

To answer some questions his idea of perfect is very lose and keeps changing. He means both of us have our fixed careers in life (it could be a solid 10 years before I find what I want to do with myself) we both work, but wants us to be doing more collectively. A place of our own, presumably a house.

I get the whole idea of being more stable, but I also know life is not so gracious to guarantee us this and anything can happen. I feel like this is all very reflective of how dp has never really encountered life throwing anything ugly his way where as I've had constantly bump after bump, so I know how it goes.

Basically everything he wants set up could be another 5 years time minimum.

And it's causing big red flags to me because I just feel like if you love someone that is reason enough itself to get married and everything else should be water under the bridge if your willing to sacrifice the big fancy wedding. We always knew that wasn't in our realm of possibility financially.

I do worry that its just him not wanting to marry me but I'm dps first and only partner and I think his lack of experience is stopping him from hearing himself.

I've always wondered if we are just lumbered together out of going with the flow and life ties ( child, place, money) this is making me question everything. I know if I question him he will swear blind this isn't the case and his reasons are genuine. And I know he will believe that. But I wish he could see it from my perspective. Because I just don't know if we are truly meant to be.

OP posts:

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 20/07/2023 11:03

Has he ever listen to marriage vows? The point is you're getting married to support each other through whatever life throws at you, in sickness and health, richer for poorer.

NoSunNoSun · 20/07/2023 11:03

He didn’t think life had to be perfect before having a child?

Original poster

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:05

@RegeRegeRege it is abit like that. We are living together but saving up at families. We are struggling financially just as much as I assume everyone else is. Dp has some debts that need clearing (I won't inherit this if we marry). So I get where he is coming from and I know they are rational points. But we've also been together for nearing 5 years. Been engaged for two. Had a kid together. We've ticked all the other boxes. Our friends are getting married around us after only being together for a year.

Maybe it is naive of me but I just strip marriage down to only being symbolic about our love, not our life circumstances.

Maybe we are just too different

OP posts:

Turnleftturnright · 20/07/2023 11:05

Perhaps he is unhappy and waiting to see if things in the relationship change before he feels able to make that commitment.

Which pretty much means for at least the foreseeable he doesn't want to marry you. For the long term he isn't sure about the relationship, whether it will work or whether it may improve and he may want marriage or not.

Sorry to be so blunt. I can imagine this must be painful for you. You are right to want to know where you stand though. I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:07

@NoSunNoSun that's the irony of it. When I was pregnant it was, we will make it work. There was hope placed.

With the idea of our marriage it's, life has to work first.

I just don't place marriage with that sort of connotation. I think it's not about where you are at in life, what's going on, but about us. It can be a silver lining throughout all the grey.

I just didn't want the idea of my marriage to be centred around this. Its all making me upset. In my head the guy I was to marry would just want to marry me. I think we have been through enough life experiences to warrant being at the marriage stage by now.

OP posts:

TeamSleep · 20/07/2023 11:07

NoSunNoSun · 20/07/2023 11:03

He didn’t think life had to be perfect before having a child?

You beat me to it! I can see the point of waiting to both be in a good place in life before having a child but getting married, what? Like a pp said just look at the marriage vows, it’s about agreeing to take on life’s challenges together so in no way do things have to be perfect for you to start your life together. Sounds to me like he’s putting it off for some reason or has no intention to get married, I’d be finding out why if it’s important to you.

Original poster

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:07

This just isn't what I wanted for myself and this is what is bugging me the most.

OP posts:

Hbh17 · 20/07/2023 11:08

Life is NEVER perfect!

tanstaafl · 20/07/2023 11:09

He might as well have said ‘Once we win the EuroMillions’.

Original poster

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:09

@Hbh17 as I said before though, I know this. From unfortunate circumstances. Dp has never had to experience this, yet. So he is being very idealic with his thoughts for our future.

OP posts:

MummyLaLa88 · 20/07/2023 11:10

Bless you OP, and sending hugs - he may very well love you but not enough to marry you. Some men just propose to keep their partners quiet. I HATE that some men do this. We as women need to realise that some men will stay in very long-term relationships and not be 100% happy but will not leave. Do not ignore the clear flags. It’s frustrating.

Original poster

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:10

@tanstaafl thats what it feels like....

Now I don't know what to do or how to broach the subject let alone how I feel about our relationship.

OP posts:

Saschka · 20/07/2023 11:12

So he wants to get married maybe in 5-10 years’ time, maybe longer, depends on how well off you are then?

No, he doesn’t want to be married to you. He might love you, but he isn’t interested in getting married.

andymary · 20/07/2023 11:13

Unlike everyone else, I'm not going to say the usual:
"he's just stringing you along - BREAK UP WITH HIM ASAP OP"

How is he in other aspects of your partnership together? Is he affection towards you? Caring, looks after you and DC?
If so, then he's probably just scared and hesitant of what marriage may bring. He'll be worrying about money, if getting married will change the dynamics, things like that. And it sounds like he just wants everything to be perfect for you two first - which is not a bad thing at all, it's just not feasible, as there's never going to be a 100% perfect time, that's just life.

The best thing to do to start off with is to set a year (together) to get married, like 2025 for example. This will help you move things along, give him enough time to mentally realise that not everything has to be perfect, and gives you a few years to save and prepare.

FoodFann · 20/07/2023 11:13

YallaYallaaa · 20/07/2023 10:40

YANBU.

If he wanted to be married to you, he’d just marry you.

Came to say the same. Sorry, OP.

UndercoverCop · 20/07/2023 11:14

I would agree with him that living with family, paying off debts isn't the time to get married, but you've already got a child!
I would've been more reluctant to have a child in that situation than get married

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2023 11:14

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:01

@StormShadow surname is double barrel.

To answer some questions his idea of perfect is very lose and keeps changing. He means both of us have our fixed careers in life (it could be a solid 10 years before I find what I want to do with myself) we both work, but wants us to be doing more collectively. A place of our own, presumably a house.

I get the whole idea of being more stable, but I also know life is not so gracious to guarantee us this and anything can happen. I feel like this is all very reflective of how dp has never really encountered life throwing anything ugly his way where as I've had constantly bump after bump, so I know how it goes.

Basically everything he wants set up could be another 5 years time minimum.

And it's causing big red flags to me because I just feel like if you love someone that is reason enough itself to get married and everything else should be water under the bridge if your willing to sacrifice the big fancy wedding. We always knew that wasn't in our realm of possibility financially.

I do worry that its just him not wanting to marry me but I'm dps first and only partner and I think his lack of experience is stopping him from hearing himself.

I've always wondered if we are just lumbered together out of going with the flow and life ties ( child, place, money) this is making me question everything. I know if I question him he will swear blind this isn't the case and his reasons are genuine. And I know he will believe that. But I wish he could see it from my perspective. Because I just don't know if we are truly meant to be.

So what is your situation?

Do you both work? Have savings?
Do you own or rent?
Are you on the same page re children?

Is he trying to be sensible whilst you're all airey-fairy and hoping for the best?

ImNotReallySpartacus · 20/07/2023 11:14

I don't think anyone ever gets to the point where 'everything in life is perfect'. Why does your partner think it's going to happen for him?

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2023 11:15

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:05

@RegeRegeRege it is abit like that. We are living together but saving up at families. We are struggling financially just as much as I assume everyone else is. Dp has some debts that need clearing (I won't inherit this if we marry). So I get where he is coming from and I know they are rational points. But we've also been together for nearing 5 years. Been engaged for two. Had a kid together. We've ticked all the other boxes. Our friends are getting married around us after only being together for a year.

Maybe it is naive of me but I just strip marriage down to only being symbolic about our love, not our life circumstances.

Maybe we are just too different

I think I see his point...

Ladybug14 · 20/07/2023 11:15

Thing is - he won't be able to see your pov because he's not got the life experience

So unless he's prepared to take a leap of faith (from his perspective) you'll never get married

Weird that he was happy to bring a child into an imperfect relationship/life but he won't marry because of the imperfections

You are going to have to do what's right for you, OP

FoodFann · 20/07/2023 11:15

Also, is the idea of planning a big wedding off-putting to him? Or maybe the expense?

Would he like to just be wed? We were engaged for 18 months and an advert popped up for a lovely tiny wedding venue, we booked it the next day and were married the next month!

No guests, we just wanted to be wed.