Life has to be perfect for us to marry

[Magneticlotus]

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough.

This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness.

I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us.

Aibu?

Either he's stringing you along or he needs some CBT fast. Life is never perfect. Waiting for a good chapter in your life to begin only once it has reached perfection means you'll wait forever.

I'd chat with him and say: life is never perfect. My idea of marriage is that it bonds you so you can celebrate good times together and support each other through bumpy rides.

If he can't see the truth in that, then in your position I'd recognise that it's unlikely to happen.

I am going to go entirely against the grain. It would be an absolutely stupid idea to get married at this point, and tbh I can’t believe that so many people are suggesting that you should.

You’ve never really lived together, living with parents isn’t living together. You’ve never had to deal with bills, with household expenses, with just being the two of you and a baby.

He’s in debt to the tune of £10k, so as a couple you won’t have any money. And if he can’t manage to save while he’s living with his parents then living together will be a nightmare.

Marriage isn’t romantic, yes the day is, but the ever after is a practical contract. You can have the romance without the practical bit, and given the situation you’re in there isn’t any legal protection that would be attached to this marriage.

Being engaged is meaningless, though. Anyone can propose - it doesn't mean you're actually going to end up married at the end of it.

I just think it's completely unfair to slam the DP for "not giving her legal protection" when OP also chose not to protect herself.

I don’t think he has any intention of getting married and he’s given you a ‘stfu ring’ rather than engagement ring. More importantly, if you suspect he’s not entirely happy with you as a partner, you would be insane to marry him. You’d only be setting yourself up for heartbreak down the line and divorces are expensive. And why don’t you deserve someone who wants to commit to you in every possible way?

Also, marriage isn’t a reward for being financially successful in life. It’s the ultimate commitment that you make to someone, that you will enjoy the good times together and support each other through the bad times. It’s not a guarantee that you’ve reached a stage in your lives where everything will be plain sailing from here on.

I won’t tell you whether or not I think you should end your relationship because we’ve only got a snapshot of your circumstances. But I do think you should give him the ring back and tell him that you’re not prepared to be engaged to him until he is prepared to start making active plans, like setting up savings accounts for the wedding and for a house, working out budgets and between you deciding what year your marriage will take place. I was engaged for three years before we got married, but from day one, we’d worked out a date and a savings plan.