Life has to be perfect for us to marry

[Magneticlotus]

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough.

This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness.

I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us.

Aibu?

@BadNomad we both work. His debt is under 10 grand.

My partner has done this for years, I’ve recently found out he is bankrupt and has been twice in our relationship. My dad is terminally ill and will now never see me married. I’m never going to marry him now, he had his chance and blew it so fuck that. Don’t wear my engagement ring anymore as just reminds me of his bullshit.

He’s waiting for your DC to be old enough so he can leave without his friends and family thinking he’s a cunt - or maybe he’s cheating & the OW won’t be ready for a while and that’s why he’s stringing you along. I’m sorry OP but the writing’s on the wall. I suggest you make your arrangements financially and leave.

@Unwisebutnotillegal my dad is ill and I'm really worried about him not being around by the time we get to marriage. Its so frickin selfish to push the boat out to works for just him but not me

If you mean he didn't wait for things to be perfect before having sex well that's true of most people. It's not clear from the OP whether the pregnancy was intended and that makes a difference. I might try and make a go of a relationship if I got accidentally pregnant but I wouldn't feel thatIowed the father marriage.

That said, getting engaged if you have no clear intention of marriage is a total mindfuck and makes wonder what he's playing at.

He said he had never given her any reason to believe that they would get married

Apart from 8 years together. Bit surprised you married him after he said that that, I'd be put right off someone with so little insight into his partner's hopes and wishes.

I think he does love me but is not in love with me

It sounds as if you already know the answer to your own question. Or at least you very strongly suspect. It's time to have a very serious conversation about commitment and marriage, because you could spend the next five years trying to make everything "perfect" ready for marriage only to find you're just not the person he really wants and after all that time he's not even going to "settle" for you because at last he's had a better offer.

Oh yes, very common.

You give him a deadline (fact is you should have done this a while ago), you tell him that if you don't have a marriage license by the 15th of September you're walking out with your child. You make plans for that in the meanwhile.

I think you need to spend some time working out what is more important to you, a big romantic wedding where you feel swept off your feet or is it the security a marriage can provide.

Once you know that have a conservation with him about what he feels needs to happen before you get married & what a wedding should look like.

If what you both think doesn't match up & you can't see ways in which you can both compromise to make it work, then you have a decision to make. Keep your family unit together for as long as you can with the knowledge that you may never get the wedding you want or leave a relationship you are okay with because you know in the long run it won't make you happy.

None of these things need to happen overnight & if you do think it will result in you ending the relationship, make sure you have things in place financially to make that decision. (Get that none of this is romantic)

This^

True but unprotected sex, usually..
i agree with you though..

His attitude is so strange. Life isn't perfect and even if he ticks all those boxes and decides he's ready to marry, circumstances change all the time, and perfect could quickly be followed by more real life - illness, money troubles, job insecurity. What then? Does he blame you? Does he become dissatisfied in his marriage? Does he think he is in a fairytale where he gets happily ever after? So so odd. Maybe he'll be ready at retirement age?

No such thing as perfect

I agree he’s a stringer

Id cut your losses now

OP, listen to your gut here.

What have you sacrificed for this relationship?

There is zero point pushing a marriage on a man that doesn't want it.

All it is, is more hassle and complications.

I think you know the truth.

Don't waste your life on a man who cares for you but not in love with you.

You are only setting yourself up for disaster when he meets "the one" and possibly leaves you.

Better to be brave and end things now.

Kindly meant but if you are living with his parents with a child I presume the child wasn't planned?

If not, then don't make further complications for yourself with him by marrying.

I wouldn’t want to get married if you are both living with family members, in debt and struggling financially.

I would work towards getting your own place together.

I always find it hard when couples have a baby together yet can't actually get round to marrying (if one or both want to.)

A baby is a huge commitment, more important I'd say than marriage, which you have both taken on together.

He sounds as if he has commitment phobia.

To give you my example. With a man for years - he wanted to marry but it never felt right for me, so I strung him along with ‘pre-engagements’ etc. He had a job in Dubai so wasn’t around much then used to get judgemental and sweary while at home, and liked to blame me when things went wrong. I couldn’t see him as my husband / father of my children but the idea of ending things was frightening. When we split (he initiated it to try and ‘force’ me to committ) it was a relief, and I packed up and (am ashamed to say) ghosted him.

I was introduced to DH by friends almost immediately - many of them blamed me for being too picky/arrogant but they didn’t know what ex was really like, while others were just desperate for me to marry and threw their friends and family members at me lol. I think I had first / second dates 10 men in the first week after my split and while he’s far from perfect I could see myself married to DH from around the third date. He was so easy to talk to.

Anyway we got engaged in 4 months, started planning our weddings by 6 mths, and were married within 2 years of our first date (it only took so long because there was a gap between registry and Indian wedding due to venue issues). My friends protected me from it but apparently Ex found out after our registry and was furious, thought I’d cheated on him, and contacted them for answers. I never looked him up again but my friends said he married twice over the next few years but got divorced quite quickly both times - he has a son who he never sees and still hasn’t stopped blaming me for the fact that he’s still single 😠

How old are you both?

Billy 1996
Of course some men want kids and not marriage. Woman will take the hit on career and pension for him, he will often benefit from no or lower child care costs. If relationship ends as half do, he gets off with often paying low maintenance, woman often left in poverty, while he moves on and prospers.
It is the self interested thing to do and society no longer frowns. Women must learn to put their own interests first, just as many men do. Give him the ring back, he does not get to play at being engaged. Start to put your own interests first career wise and make him share the childcare obligation. He obviously does not want to be an equal partner with you

Not if OP has more assets than her partner. Marriage would not be the best idea in that case. Wills are important though.

Are you quite sure that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do you think you are 'the one' for him?

Because if the answer to either or both questions is no, you know what to do...

How old are you both?

You were his first partner- do you mean a girlfriend, or a partner, who he is sharing costs with etc?

Was your baby planned?

If (going on some posts here) your baby was not planned, you are living with parents, have no clear careers or money for a house deposit, these are things you should consider.

The 'engagement' when there is no plan to get your own home is really worth nothing.

Same here. I think he's bring incredibly sensible.

I also don't understand all the comments about the baby - it's not like he had much choice if OP was pregnant!

it is abit like that. We are living together but saving up at families

So you are living with parents?

And the baby was 'we will make this work'- so not a planned child?

Have you sat down together and actually worked out where your lives go from here?

Work? How to earn more money
House- rent or buy? How much deposit do you need and the income to buy a home?
Childcare costs?

If this is what you mean by 'life has to be perfect' some people consider those basic necessities of life in which to bring up a child and be responsible.