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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life has to be perfect for us to marry

229 replies

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 10:38

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough.

This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness.

I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Parkandpicnic · 20/07/2023 11:34

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 11:30

OP, if he wanted to marry he would.

He is putting it on the long finger.

Did you push for the engagement?

Did he agree to shut you up.

When men love you and want to be with you, you never feel confused.
Men act decisively when they know what they want.

This is why women having children before they get married is such a bad idea if marriage is really important to them in the first place.

They always get messed about.

They would save themselves so much heartache if they simply said marriage before children is MY preference.

So many men are happy to have a child but balk at marriage.

This is inexplicably to me.

Having a child with someone is a huge commitment, much bigger than getting married, but so many men don't feel like that.

So if a man isn't interested in getting married and marriage is important to YOU.....

Best to pass on having a child IMO.

Hell I didn’t do this myself but is exactly the advice I would pass on to my daughters

Whataretheodds · 20/07/2023 11:37

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 20/07/2023 11:03

Has he ever listen to marriage vows? The point is you're getting married to support each other through whatever life throws at you, in sickness and health, richer for poorer.

This in spades. It sounds as though he expects a fairytale where you get married and live 'happily ever after'.

That's not how it works.
However, I don't think you just get married because you love each other. You get married because you want to commit to a life together. You're saying 'this is the person I want on my team. Life isn't easy and neither of us is perfect but this is who I want to try to paddle the canoe with". A wedding is (should be) a happy event but it doesn't fix a relationship.

How old are you both?
What is it about marriage that is important to you?

Saschka · 20/07/2023 11:39

escapingthecity · 20/07/2023 11:30

Weddings in private gardens mostly aren't legal in England.

Show quote history

She can get married in a registry office and have the reception in the garden. Is this seriously the most important aspect of the thread? Hmm

Original poster
Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:39

I think this is what I knew all along and this is why his reasoning never sat right with me.

It's so backwards to have a child (planned or not) but then put off having a child

Is this reason enough to break up with him?

I've already had to sacrifice so much in our relationship for my futures sake but this one I refuse it give up. I want the romantic wedding, I want my dad to walk me down the alter whilst he still can. I want to see my mum be happy for me for once and not have to worry

We've had so much badness happen to us. I just wanted this one good thing. And I wanted him to want it too. I don't want it out of obligation, or fear of needing to keep me. I don't want to waste any more of my life on someone who isn't right for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:39

@Saschka that's what I meant thanks for clarifying

OP posts:
TeamSleep · 20/07/2023 11:40

It is true that if marriage is important to you then do that before you have a child. But of course it’s too late for that in your case OP. If you don’t want to give him an ultimatum, he is set that he doesn’t want to get married and you want to stay with him then you need to accept that you are not going to get married. There is absolutely nothing in it for him.

Parkandpicnic · 20/07/2023 11:40

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:27

I don't want to push him into an ultimatum as I know he would just say yes to keep me. I want it to be genuine. I can't believe this can be the end of it all.

He either wants to keep you or he doesn’t, if he says no then I wouldn’t waste any more of your life with him. If he says yes, you’ll know whether he’s genuinely happy about it or not during the preparations for the wedding, if he’s really not then don’t go ahead with it

Original poster
Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:41

@Whataretheodds I guess its because love is so important to me. I haven't experienced alot of it in my life or the relationships around me. I want it for myself, I owe it to myself to get to the point where someone is happy to commit to me.

I love love, its all I've ever really wanted truly.

OP posts:
frumpalertt · 20/07/2023 11:43

Urgh, here's the thing: life is never perfect. Sure, there are tougher times and easier times, but a time with no challenges, no stresses and anxieties, and nothing that feels a bit difficult? That never happens in my experiences.

I think a lot here really depends on context, in particular the kind of challenges you're facing. "I want to wait until I've had this life-changing surgery and feel better" is a world different from "Things aren't 100% perfect right now, so I'm going to throw a hissyfit." From what you've said in your posts, the main obstacles are financial, which makes me wonder if your idea and his idea of a wedding are slightly different. In my experience, many men are actually quite fixated on a large wedding, though our cultural discourse suggests that this is a thing just for women. Perhaps he doesn't like the garden idea/eloping/a cheap day?

The horrible thing about this situation is that it's incredibly hard to handle and retain your security. You could probably beg, wheedle, and rage him into agreeing to a wedding, but that wouldn't solve your nagging doubt that he doesn't really want to get married deep-down, would it? But you can't just leave it either, because then it is still a source of hurt and pain that he doesn't want this. I suggest that you sit down and have a calm, adult conversation about what kind of wedding he wants and why he is delaying things. And in that conversation, I think you should calmly mention that, while you're willing to negotiate, not being married is ultimately a dealbreaker for you, so if he wants to keep you as his partner, he needs to start thinking about it practically or let you know that he doesn't really see you as a life partner. After that, as far as possible, try to disengage from a sense that this is an overweening huge issue that is exerting a pressure. Wait and see what happens - his response will tell you what you need to know.

TeamSleep · 20/07/2023 11:44

Your latest post OP sounds like you do actually want the big white wedding which is confusing as you said earlier you are happy to elope. I think you need to get straight in your head why you want to get married, is it for the fairytale wedding or for protection and stability for you and your child. If it’s the former or both reasons then good luck to you, if it’s the latter then explain this to him, if he’s decent and cares about you at all then you can book the registry office asap.

avaviolet · 20/07/2023 11:44

You're obviously unhappy in your life and relationship, @Magneticlotus

Will it really make you happy if he does agree to marry you? It sounds like he doesn't really want to - would you mind that he's not really into it?

I don't think marrying this man is going to make you happy, from what you've said.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 20/07/2023 11:44

He is being unrealistic and making excuses. Life is rarely perfect, especially when the goals keep moving.

marriage should be about commitment and celebrating love, and life doesn’t need to be perfect for that to happen.

DH and I have been married 9 years and our life hasn’t reached our sense of perfect yet, but we’re in it together.

Patchworksack · 20/07/2023 11:45

Married 19 years - and life still isn’t perfect! Honestly, we’ve had perfect moments and are happy together but also heaps of shit to deal with over that time. Is this the person you want on your team through the tough times? Think about the marriage and not the wedding!

QuickDraining · 20/07/2023 11:46

Who proposed to whom?

An engagement is a commitment to marry.

I don't know, I'm pretty much put off the idea of ever getting married. Partner and I have been in a relationship for many years now, plan to be with each other in the long term, but have been to friends weddings that have already dissolved.

That's not to say we aren't both romantics. We do both suffer from the, it has to be perfect mentality. But over time, we have been hit with many tragedies, health problems and other worries that have outlined that things will never be perfect any which way.

Is the threat of withdrawing an engagement a complete rejection and parting of ways? Or can relationships continue after?

Didimum · 20/07/2023 11:48

His (changing) reasons are understandable for having a child – stable income and housing etc – but these things don't have anything to do with marriage. Either way, even if he is being genuine, the issue is that you don't agree with it and he doesn't get to hold all the cards in your relationships. You should both lay down your ideals and then settle on a compromise – if he can't do that and commit to it, that is bad bad news.

Namechangedagain20 · 20/07/2023 11:49

I think he’s just stringing you along OP, hard as it must be to hear I think you need to consider if this is the relationship for you.

Me and DH had 1 DC and then decided when she was 6 months old to get married. We had both not been bothered about marriage before having DC, but afterwards decided we would rather be married, partly for the legal protection (if one us dies it’s more of a straightforward process) and also the stability for DC and us, even though it doesn’t make a difference day to day it just seemed more important to do after DC. We just went with 2 witnesses to the registry office, didn’t have a reception or a fancy wedding as we were saving for a house and didn’t have the money anyway.

If I were you I would be considering the relationship. I wouldn’t give an ultimatum either, I think it would seem forced. How old are you? As you’re his first partner I would be wondering if he thinks he’s settled to quickly?

Clutchy · 20/07/2023 11:50

I’ve been very happily married for fifteen years, have a genuinely lovely husband and we’re very happy together. We have a privileged life in terms of money, family, health etc.

I can’t think of a single time our life has been “perfect”. Love doesn’t work like that. There are good times and bad, and having the support of a loving and dedicated spouse makes the hard times easier to navigate.

I don’t think this man wants to marry you, OP. If he did, you’d already be married.

OneTwoThreeShake · 20/07/2023 11:51

I dunno. I think I'd be inclined to agree with him. I wouldn't want to be getting married to somebody if we were still living with family because we didn't have a place of our own, I'd rather focus on that.

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2023 11:51

Seen this so, so many times op. This is the man's way of "cleverly" continuously putting off the wedding (as he doesn't actually want to marry, AT ALL) whilst appeasing the partner at the same time.

I've seen these guys promise marriage for years, then meet a new woman and then he marries her within 6 months.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 20/07/2023 11:51

Op have you had any problems that he blames you for? When he said he wants life to be perfect first could he have meant you to be perfect first? Is he punishing you still for something?
Ignore if I am off course....

Lochlorien · 20/07/2023 11:52

It sounds as though this is about the 'C' word - commitment.

Regardless of the 'big wedding day', is this man committed to a future with you? You need to find out.

I know couples who are not married for various reasons, but who are wholly committed to one another (and their children).

TeamSleep · 20/07/2023 11:56

It might be that you have to decide what’s more important to you. Getting married (most likely to somebody else) or making things work with the father of your child regardless of whether he wants to marry you or not. I know plenty of couples who are happy together and love each other but don’t plan to get married so this doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker.

Original poster
Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 11:56

@Namechangedagain20 yes I am his first partner. Which is why I said before I wonder if he has just settled but his heart isn't really in it. I think he does love me but is not in love with me

OP posts:
BadNomad · 20/07/2023 11:56

Marriage isn't just about love. It is a huge financial commitment that both people need to have their eyes open to before entering. Do you work? How much debt does he have? These things will affect your joint future and family. He is smart to want to have finances sorted before entering into a legally binding contract.

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 20/07/2023 11:57

DH was with his ex for eight years before he met me. He broke up with her, we were engaged in 5 months and married within a year. She was devastated as she had always assumed they would get married eventually. He said he had never given her any reason to believe that they would get married, but I think it was the speed of meeting someone else that hit her hardest. He’s not unusual in this.