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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life has to be perfect for us to marry

229 replies

Magneticlotus · 20/07/2023 10:38

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough.

This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness.

I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Loopylooni · 20/07/2023 12:30

Two things here @Magneticlotus , either he's stringing you along or he's one of these types who are very anxious. I know someone autistic who did the same with his ex ie kept saying to her everything had to be perfect before they got married. He genuinely loved her but just wanted everything to be ideal. She eventually dumped him after years together. Only you know what he's like. Id add that even if he does say he wants to marry, id be anxious that he didnt really want to/hand was forced.

adriftinadenofvipers · 20/07/2023 12:34

Trust me, no such thing.

DrSbaitso · 20/07/2023 12:36

It sounds like a slight variation on the "I want to be the one to propose and I want to propose when the time is right" bollocks.

If there's one thing men are good at, it's going after what they want. If they want you, they let you know. And if they want to marry you because they want you and they want it all locked down (which I mean in a good way), they propose.

I am really sorry, OP. I do think you have to be open to the possibility that this isn't something he wants, much as he may care about you. And I agree with PPs that he'll string you along and then, when you split, up and marry someone else. I didn't believe it when I was younger but I do now. I can't explain it but it really happens.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/07/2023 12:36

He is future faking you. He will never marry you.

Stravaig · 20/07/2023 12:37

His thinking seems very muddled on this. If your life together isn't 'perfect' enough to get married, then you certainly had no business adding a child to it.

You want to marry someone who wants to marry you, that's reciprocal and healthy. I wouldn't engage with any dangling of a hypothetical perfect future. He is saying no to marriage. Hand back the ring and take marriage off the table.

Are you happy to stay with him as you are, to simply be with someone who wants to be with you? How important are the emotional, cultural, religious aspects of marriage for you?

Marriage offers practical protections, especially with a child involved; but you can try to replicate those in other ways.

Or, would you rather co-parent as exes, and be free to find a partner who shares your values and goals in life?

TightPants · 20/07/2023 12:38

Are you the same OP with a thread about your partner’s debt and spending habits?
Apologies if not, but so many similarities.
Either way, he’s not for you. LTB

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 20/07/2023 12:39

Surely you get married to start a life and family and then ride the waves together.

Hankunamatata · 20/07/2023 12:40

But that's the whole point of marriage. It's isn't perfect it's work and commitment like any relationship

cuckyplunt · 20/07/2023 12:42

If he’s looking to tackle global warming, fix the economy and house a few hundred asylum seekers before you get married, I’d let him crack on.

Seaweed42 · 20/07/2023 12:43

How did he accumulate the debts he has?
It sounds like your first child wasn't planned. What does he say about having another baby in the next couple of years?

Are you worried about his commitment or do you just want things 'done right' type of thing? Would it be different if you didn't have a child. Is it bothering you that your child's parents aren't married?

MangetoutsaysGetOutMan · 20/07/2023 12:49

If life becomes perfect and he marries you, does that mean he’ll divorce you if life becomes less than perfect?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2023 12:52

His thinking seems very muddled on this.

But so does hers. She’s happy to elope but wants her dad to give her away.

They're short of money but she thinks it’ll take a decade to work out what she wants to do career wise.

She thinks he’s wrong aiming for perfection but admits they’ve had a lot of drama, they don’t have their own place to live, a baby that wasn’t planned, she doesn’t even think he loves her but is absolutely desperate to feel loved.

I don’t agree he’s stringing her along, it sounds like he’s the one being sensible. They shouldn’t have got engaged but it doesn’t mean now is the time to get married.

DramatisPersonae · 20/07/2023 12:55

MojoMoon · 20/07/2023 10:45

Being married isn't the natural consequence of having a perfect life.

Being married means having certain legal rights - if you think those legal rights are important to have (being each other's next of kin, inheritance tax exemption, claims on joint property) then it doesn't matter if the rest of your life is perfect or rubbish - you should nip down the town hall and get married for whatever a licence costs these days (80 quid?)

Tbh the legal rights of marriage are potentially more useful when life is hard, not when it's perfect.

You could throw a party when your life is perfect

Exactly this -- we got married with two witnesses to sort the legal situation when it looked as though that might be important, despite being together very happily for 20 years during which I was the one saying no to marriage. .

But I also agree with @TeamSleep that your updates strongly suggest you are in love with the idea of a romantic white wedding AND, more alarmingly, that you think that the wedding will 'solve' what sound like major problems in the relationship because it's a sign of commitment to you, which means he 'must' love you. It's a huge mistake to marry in that mindset, nearly as damaging as it to have a baby to 'bandage' a troubled relationship.

And the fact that you are asking whether his lack of desire to get married is 'reason enough' to leave him suggests you aren't happy either.

Marriage isn't going to change that. It's not a magical proof of love.

JusthereforXmas · 20/07/2023 12:55

sounds like a stall tactic as nothing is ever 'perfect'.

Annaisatwat · 20/07/2023 12:55

Your life will never be perfect. There is always some bit of shit around the corner.

Listen, I had a friend in your situation once. Her Dp wouldn’t marry her or have children until until “everything was in place” (his words). He had a list of things, being a certain level at work, earning a certain amount, having a 4 bed house. On and on.

Life never measured up for him. A parent died, a redundancy - both pulled back his ridiculous, fictitious timeline.

She’s now 46, still unmarried, no children and really upset about it.

I’m 43, if I’d waited for life to be prefect, I never would have done anything.

He just doesn’t want to marry you.

CapEBarra · 20/07/2023 12:57

He doesn’t want to marry you. It’s up to you what you do with that information.

Blondewithredlips · 20/07/2023 12:57

It sounds like he is stringing you along and I would bet he will never be ready to marry you.

Annaisatwat · 20/07/2023 12:58

And I know you already do have a child together - but the marriage issue still counts.

It makes it worse for me. He was happy to create and raise another life with you but signing a bit of paper is a huge deal?

Peachy2005 · 20/07/2023 12:58

I think you might benefit from some time living apart. You deserve better than someone who’s not “in love“ with you. Getting married to someone reluctant is going to steal your joy and be a lot harder to untangle. You could still co-parent if you can live near each other but he’ll either discover he can’t live without you or not be that bothered. Perhaps you’ll decide not to settle for him or maybe you will be forced to move on. Whatever happens, at least something will have to change.

I don’t think it’s ideal to marry the wrong person just because you have a child together and I’m sure your Dad would rather not walk you down the aisle at all than see you in the wrong marriage.

Stravaig · 20/07/2023 13:00

@AnneLovesGilbert I agree with all that too, just taking a different path to the same destination. This is isn't right; split and co-parent; and ffs don't continue unplanned pregnancies; or wear rose-tinted glasses, ever.

NeedToChangeName · 20/07/2023 13:01

Sorry about your Dad's poor health. But that's not a reason to marry

I'll say what I always say on these threads (and they come up often)

(1) Marriage is a big commitment

(2) No one should marry unless they want to

(3) I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't consider themselves the luckiest man alive to marry me

(4) actions speak louder than words

(5) if he wanted to marry, then you'd be married by now

(6) don't give ultimatums

(7) but it is reasonable to say "I don't feel we're on the same page, and I'm wondering if I want this relationship to continue". And see how he reacts

(8) be the master of your own ship. Time to take control over your own destiny

(9) good luck

Feverly · 20/07/2023 13:09

Having a kid is no commitment whatsoever to the other parent. It’s just a commitment to the kid. Women should not think their boyfriend is committed to them simply because they chose to reproduce.
Up to you OP whether you’re happy to just be his girlfriend and have zero legal protections per this link-
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Living together and marriage: legal differences

Differences between how the law treats married and cohabiting couples including financial matters, responsibility for children and housing.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

DrSbaitso · 20/07/2023 13:11

Having a kid is no commitment whatsoever to the other parent. It’s just a commitment to the kid.

YES

Tessabelle74 · 20/07/2023 13:12

Perfect doesn't exist. He's stalling, sorry! If you want to be married and it's a really important thing to you, then tell him you want to book a date. If he refuses then you'll have your choice to either remain together unmarried or end things. I didn't have a child with my ex but he told me he didn't want to marry (after we'd booked everything including my dress!) and that was fine, but then he was unsure he ever wanted kids so I ended things. He's still unmarried and childless now 17 years on, meanwhile I've been with my husband 16 years and we have 4 kids. Only you can decide the importance of being married, but don't settle for something you're not happy with

Annaisatwat · 20/07/2023 13:14

@Feverly yes, it’s a massive, life long commitment to the child.

And the men I’ve known who don’t want to marry long term parters, but have children with them, trot out the line that “they are not ready” for the commitment, or that they have “commitment issues”.

I wish more people would just be honest that they didn’t want to marry rather than stringing partners along in the hope they will change their minds. It’s just really cowardly behaviour.