So fed up with my child

[arrghhhh]

I know I handled this situation all wrong this morning but I am honestly so fed up. I am a single mum to a 10 year old girl. She goes to her dads once in the week and then every second weekend so I do get breaks.

However, she is an angel for her dad. With me, not so much. She was at her dads last night, I phoned her this morning to see what time she would be home, looking forward to seeing her. The full phone call was just from start to finish moan, moan, moan.

I have been ill with tonsillitis all week so granted, this hasn't been the best week for her, however, she has still made her gymnastics club (4 day of the week) and yesterday my dad took her a day out. Next week I have a day out planned with her and I said since I'm feeling better we will go out a big walk tomorrow.

She said okay to the walk but only if the dogs don't come. I'm like, what? Of course the dogs are coming. Queue 'it's not fairrrr, the dogs alwaysssss come with us'. I said don't be so ridiculous, of course I'm bringing the dogs. It literally makes no difference other than the fact she constantly needs and seeks attention. Also it's a downright lie considering I take her plenty places without the dogs, for instance last week when I took her and her friend to the park - no dogs in tow. It's as if she just finds anything at all to moan about.

She then starts asking what we are doing this afternoon. I said well you have gymnastics and then probably just potter about in house today as I am still not feeling 100 percent. Queue more moaning.

At this point I lost it, I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

Definitely didn't deal with this situation well but I am so fed up with her constant negativity. She sucks the life out of me. Even after a full day out with my dad yesterday, she's still miserable, doesn't appreciate it. Shrugs and says the day out 'was fine'. She's only happy when with her friends and I'm just sick of it.

I'm sick of trying to do nice things with her when she appreciates nothing. Whilst I've been I'll she hasn't shown one bit of empathy or compassion, it's all about her and how it affects her and her plans.

Atrocious behaviour to give your child a telling of? Sometimes it's ok to let kids know that parents have limits. OP is unwell and maybe not as tolerant as she usually is. When my mum reached her limit, we knew to back of and just give her space and stop annoying her. She was a fantastic mother who we all respected and cherished.

Don’t worry though @PurpleButterflyWings - you can rest easy. My DH is the main carer whilst I swan about being the main earner and he is stricter than me, so don’t feel the need to look up your daughters from my little soldier just yet. We are a real model for the patriarchy in this house.

Yes we know that. That's not what you're doing though. You've admitted your son doesn't have to be grateful to you for anything, just to other people. How is that setting boundaries?

I have heard this before and it is possibly the most helpful thing I have heard - there is truth in it.

Exactly.. That comment also made me laugh out loud 🤣

OP, I think you have to cut yourself some slack here. You’re still ill. your DD has been ungrateful and it’s a lot to deal with.

When DD returns home, talk to her about why you hit the end of your tether with her. Explain what she’s done wrong and what you did - slamming the phone down isn’t the most helpful.

I would tell her to write down some suggestions for things she can do with you and by herself and then work through them.

Kids need to know sometimes they have pushed us too far. They need to know their selfish behaviour has consequences for others.

Why do you feel the need for your children to thank you for carrying out the basic duties of being a parent? I didn’t say for anything, I said for basic parenting responsibilities, like giving him food, clothes, chances to be active by going to the park. The OP doesn’t sound like she is going above and beyond, just being a regular parent which is fine but I don’t see why it makes her kid a spoilt brat for wanting a bit more from her mother.

With all due respect we chose to have children, so no my child isn't obligated to be grateful to me for doing things a parent should be doing for a child, however being respectful is different and they should be

I thin’ she just need you so badly. Hormones are starting to mess up with everything she knew, she’s forced to follow rules at school and gymnastics, probably she’s not so relax at her dad’s place as it’s not her permanent residence.

She just need you. Try to listen and give her 1:1 time and attention.

I came here to say this but @MechanicalGoat has beat me to it in a very well articulated way.

I see this with my ds11 all the time. He is very well behaved for his dad, for me and my dh not so much. It's because his dad is strict and he fears him. With us he can be his real self and yes that might mean dealing with tantrums and attitude but rather that than him feeling like he has to moderate himself in his own home.

What you're describing also sounds like very normal kid behaviour op. Expecting her to be overly concerned about you being unwell is unrealistic - kids are by nature very selfish. It won't be on her radar. Doesn't mean it's ok but it's very normal. I think giving her a mouthful and hanging up on her will only exacerbate her attitude towards you because she'll think that's an appropriate way to communicate.

I was a whingy ungrateful kid and the best way to deal with it is to not take them so seriously. They are just letting off steam. Getting annoyed and slamming the phone down will get her attention but it will also make her anxious and reluctant to communicate with you which is totally counterproductive.

Constant hobbies and round the clock amusement is another modern phenomenon that kids actually don’t need. An element of boredom and benign neglect creates resilience, self regulation and creativity which equips them far better in life for inevitable down times.

I think you need to reflect on your own emotional regulation and ask yourself why a 10 year old child, who you get respite from, could’ve illicit such an extreme and pointless tantrum.

An interesting one.
'Basic parenting' can cover a multitude of sins...

Yes, I suppose theoretically - paying mortgage, paying rent, providing food, transport etc. counts as 'basic' - however many of these things have become harder recently in the cost of greed crisis - and I do feel that this needs to be understood by kids at least.

Empathy is learnt from a young age. If my 6 year old daughter can show empathy then so can a 10 year old :/ No one is expecting her to think like an adult but if my daughter didn't show some level of compassion and empathy I would be annoyed too.

I am a single mum with a moany tweenage daughter too and they can be hard work! I WFM so the summer holidays are always challenging as the kids want me to entertain them, essentially. I try and do one fun thing with them a day, whether that's baking something or going into town or getting a nice coffee or whatever. But that's not always possible and sometimes kids just have to be bored. I think with social media, the concept of kids being bored has been forgotten - but I was bored for large portions of my childhood, my parents worked so I babysat for my younger siblings throughout all the holidays, or sometimes helped my dad out at his dental practice by filling in for his receptionist when she went on her holidays. I wasn't even paid! I read a lot of books, and have a lifelong love of reading, so boredom isn't always a bad thing but I think kids today really just have no concept of how to deal with it. Not a criticism of them, just the times we live in.

The other thing that I've seen happen is that children behave badly with the parent who reacts to their behaviour like a sibling would rather than a parent. We all have bad parenting moments, but we need to be open to considering whether we are contributing to the dynamic.

This is such a white Western parent thing to say, of course your children should be grateful and thankful for food being provided. Those of us with immigrant parents who had to fight to provide for us get it

You're backtracking now. I'm out. Before I go, here's a reminder of what you said

I don’t think my child has to thank me for buying him an ice cream from time to time either. If someone else bought him something, then yes I encourage him to show appreciation

Buying an ice-cream for a child is a treat, not part of 'basic parenting'. You're making scenarios up now. Where did I or anyone else say that we want thanked for every little thing we do for our children? We didn't. My child would certainly say thank you when bought an ice-cream or any other treat. I wouldn't even have to 'encourage' her to say it if someone else bought her something.

Yes i would say that. The only proviso being - having the space to consider if we are contributing to a dynamic is often very difficult for a parent to obtain.

I'm happy for those who can in all honesty say they are living a well balanced, calm ,parenting life, but for the majority of us I would suggest that generally we muddle through...making our mistakes - etc.

As others have said, kids, specifically teens don't come with a manual, hindsight is a wonderful thing - but it is just that. Reflection on what we would do differently if we encountered that situation again. Only problem being, there are so many situations particularly with teens that you couldn't possibly anticipate. One of them being, as i've said elsewhere, their behaviour is different from one day to the next and you have no idea what you are going to get....

...some people may see that as a joy. At the moment I find it really wearing!

I disagree. It’s a parents responsibility to house a child. The fact that global events have made that harder doesn’t mean children suddenly need to be grateful for it. As a child I was very aware of my parents money worries, it caused me a lot anxiety over something I couldn’t do anything about. I wouldn’t want that for mine personally.

Hmmm...I get it. You are perfect.

Congrats!

Pretty typical 10 year old behaviour, I'm afraid. She pushed your buttons, you're ill, you overreacted, you're human, I'm sure most parents have been there!

Don't get into debates, and let it wash over you. It gets worse when they're 12-13 but then come around in later teens, as long as you keep consistent. She'll appreciate everything you do for her some day (in the very distant future!).

I’m not backtracking. A family round of ice creams from time to time is part of regular family life to me. After a lifetime of disordered eating I am trying not to equate treats and food for my child but I appreciate that’s probably just me.

You need to lower your expectations to avoid the constant cycle of trying to please then being disappointed, which is very frustrating.
Your DD has a negative outlook. It might be a phase. It might be who she is. But nothing right now is going to turn her into a cheery appreciative ray of sunshine, so you need to stop thinking if we just do this it'll work, because it won't.
Accept that for now at least, she's a moaner. Do the days out and activities you're happy to offer and that suit you. Do not expect a positive reaction. Do not entertain excessive grumbling from her, get defensive, or engage in arguement about it.
"The dogs are coming. There's nothing else to discuss. Get your shoes on"
"We're doing gymnastics then home for the afternoon because im not well today. That's what's happening. No point in discussing it any more" and so on.
Insist on a level of politeness appropriate, so she needs to thank people who have bought her something or taken her out (up to you if you want her to include you in that) because that's manners and an essential life skill.

At this point I lost it, I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

Children NEED to know where the parental boundary is so they can feel secure within it. ; they'll keep testing how far they can push you until you show them the stop flag . She was in need of that.