So fed up with my child

[arrghhhh]

I know I handled this situation all wrong this morning but I am honestly so fed up. I am a single mum to a 10 year old girl. She goes to her dads once in the week and then every second weekend so I do get breaks.

However, she is an angel for her dad. With me, not so much. She was at her dads last night, I phoned her this morning to see what time she would be home, looking forward to seeing her. The full phone call was just from start to finish moan, moan, moan.

I have been ill with tonsillitis all week so granted, this hasn't been the best week for her, however, she has still made her gymnastics club (4 day of the week) and yesterday my dad took her a day out. Next week I have a day out planned with her and I said since I'm feeling better we will go out a big walk tomorrow.

She said okay to the walk but only if the dogs don't come. I'm like, what? Of course the dogs are coming. Queue 'it's not fairrrr, the dogs alwaysssss come with us'. I said don't be so ridiculous, of course I'm bringing the dogs. It literally makes no difference other than the fact she constantly needs and seeks attention. Also it's a downright lie considering I take her plenty places without the dogs, for instance last week when I took her and her friend to the park - no dogs in tow. It's as if she just finds anything at all to moan about.

She then starts asking what we are doing this afternoon. I said well you have gymnastics and then probably just potter about in house today as I am still not feeling 100 percent. Queue more moaning.

At this point I lost it, I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

Definitely didn't deal with this situation well but I am so fed up with her constant negativity. She sucks the life out of me. Even after a full day out with my dad yesterday, she's still miserable, doesn't appreciate it. Shrugs and says the day out 'was fine'. She's only happy when with her friends and I'm just sick of it.

I'm sick of trying to do nice things with her when she appreciates nothing. Whilst I've been I'll she hasn't shown one bit of empathy or compassion, it's all about her and how it affects her and her plans.

The problem these days is because of social media us parents feel we should be constantly entertaining our kids. Back when I was young and probably most MN posters too, we’d be making our own entertainment during the summer.
I think we’d go out somewhere once the whole time. I only got 2 little uk holidays myself during my whole childhood. The rest of the time I was out on my bike, climbing trees, going to the shop for my mum and maybe doing some drawing.

Why did you phone to see what time she would be home and set up the dialogue. Surely a time agreed with Dad would be best.

it seems that by opening a dialogue you are giving her choices abd then within that you don’t like the choices she makes so you push back and get stuck in a battle.

then you are bringing your own emotions into this.

first step in dealing with what sounds like a fairly normal pre teen is managing your own feelings and responses

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have a daughter of similar age and she’s very very difficult. Of course I love her but I don’t always love spending time with her as she rarely has anything nice to say and nothing I do is good enough for her. She will grow out of it though! I’ve seen similar behaviour with older nieces and seen them grow out of it.

it’s like the teenage years start way earlier with girls.

I think by it’s very nature the word ungrateful makes me uncomfortable in a minor child/parent situation. I don’t think my child has to thank me for buying him an ice cream from time to time either. If someone else bought him something, then yes I encourage him to show appreciation because they are not his parent. I never get the whole I cook and do their washing and take them to the park and they are never grateful. Well no why should they be? That’s your job as a parent.

And I don’t mean that older children shouldn’t be expected to chip in to household chores etc but they also shouldn’t have to be grateful for have a decent standard of living as a child. I just don’t think that a child showing displeasure at their life should automatically translate to the child being considered “rude and ungrateful” for everything else you do.

The fact the OPs daughter was in a good mood until the OP rang makes me quite sad. If I found out that about my child I would be looking at myself and thinking what needs to change here. I wouldn’t be thinking my daughter is ungrateful and rude because I take her to gymnastics and on dog walks.

This is the attitude that makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Nothing helpful to say except I empathise!

Have boys and have to say that they don't give two hoots if I'm ill. (Well, they might make me a cup of tea.)

You say she's only happy with her friends - well, that sounds like pretty normal development. Maybe puberty is just kicking in a bit early - I don't recall being that surly until I was about twelve.

They'd soon change their tune if we weren't here tho.

Yes, Mumsnet a place where mothers should be robots with no emotions. Also, mothers should be utter pushovers and let the DC walk all over them and let the DC rule the roost.

@Kingsparkle Well, I completely disagree that wanting your child to thank you for things like buying them an ice cream should make you uncomfortable, I think that's bonkers tbh.

Kids spend most of their time with us, we model how they should interact with others based on how they interact with us. I don't think the fact that your parents chose to have you should make you exempt from ever showing gratitude when they do things for you, I find that really odd. You could equally say I chose to have a partner, so my DP doesn't have to show any gratitude when I do things for him. It is normal behaviour to thank someone - anyone - when they buy you an ice cream.

No they don't need to be overcome with gratitude that you cook them dinner and wash their clothes. However, if they then started whining that nobody ever does anything for them, I would gladly put them in their place and remind them of all the things I DO do for them. Equally, it's fine to express displeasure sometimes, everyone whines now and again. But there is a line where you are doing it too much, and by the sounds of it, OPs daughter is crossing that line.

Awww, thank you. That's so sweet of you to say... @LaMaG 😘

This is just utterly ridiculous. Not much to be grateful for? She's attending her hobby four times a week, it shouldn't be boring, I'm sure she'd have let her Mum know if she didn't want to go. What do you think parents of multiple children have to do when they can't give each child all the 1 -1 you advise? Are they shit parents?

You actually nailed the problem in your OP saying ' she constantly needs and seeks attention'. You seem to think a 10 year old wanting and needing the attention of her mother is some sort of character flaw. It's not. It's normal and natural.

kids don't need many things - they need food, water and clothes and a safe place to live. You are giving her those. They also need to feel loved and wanted.

Your words and actions are telling her she isn't loved or wanted. . You are telling her she should be grateful for everything you do - that implies you aren't doing it out of love but out of duty. You tell her if she doesn't behave as you wish she can stay away from you and hang up on her. That's the behaviour of a bad mannered, inarticulate toddler and literally tells she isn't wanted in her own home. No wonder she acts out for attention and is jealous of the dogs (I bet you don't tell them to be grateful for basic care or send them stay at someone else's house!). They are getting the unconditional love she craves.

if you show her love and kindness and empathy she will feel wanted and her behaviour will improve. At the moment you are treating her very badly and she is reflecting it right back at you.

That doesn't mean you don't set boundaries around manners and acceptable behaviour and give age appropriate sanctions. That's a vital part of loving parenting.

I have a 11 year old, she is also a moany pre teen. I feel you, lol.

Why would I not expect my husband, a grown adult who I do not have responsibility for, to be grateful? What a bizarre and irrelevant comparison. I am not obliged to keep him fed or clothed so he should be grateful when I do stuff for him, which he is and me him. We model that for my child.

I didn’t say I would be uncomfortable if my child thanked me for giving them food, I just don’t expect it. And I wouldn’t remind my children I provide basic care for them as a counterpoint to them wanting more things. You can say just no and not chuck in the bit about being ungrateful you know.

I have also never “put my child in his place”. What a horrible expression. Children need boundaries sure but not told they are lesser.

How does a 10yr old cross a line? I assume she needs putting back in her place in your form of parenting. That’s fine, I’ll stick to mine.

@FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall - well said 👏

Is "uncomfortable" your word of the day?

Sorry, let me find my thesaurus 🙄

You don't expect your DC to thank you but you 'encourage' him to thank other people? Why do you think you're not as important as other people? Mark my words, you're setting yourself up for major problems if you allow your son to treat as lesser than others.

Fucking hell. What are you on?? 😂

The OP is ill and her daughter is acting like a spoilt little brat after staying at her father’s, a pattern of behaviour. She’s more than entitled to be fed up with that.

Honestly, the holier-than-thou types on here who expect parents to be so very grateful for all the shit their kids throw at them is hilarious.

I would remind her every time she whines, how lucky she is to have two parents and grandparents who love her and want to spend time with her. Pull her up every time she moans and remind her the world doesn't revolve around her. And you don't need to constantly entertain her. She's old enough to entertain herself. It's a tricky age. Puberty is around the corner. Hang in there. They do come out the other side!

Well, that was the cause of my bad behaviour at that age! I was desperate for my mum to like me and show I meant something to her. Of course I meant a lot to her but she showed that in her way, not in the way I would have understood, if you see what I mean. Her way was by doing things like making me a packed lunch. I wanted her to spend time with me giving me her attention, talking to me etc. It was so sad, looking back on it.

Been there, OP. You have to pick and choose your battles. It is very frustrating trying and trying to be faced with negativity all the time, especially with Disney dad getting 'happy' kid.
I chose to roll with it and let DD make suggestions as to activities. If I suggest something and DD says no, I'm fine with it.
Kids can indeed be ungrateful little shits (my own is sometimes), however, I don't blame your DD for not wanting to go out with the dogs.

I think I’ll stick to my way than ever call my child a spoilt brat who needs be told to be grateful he has a family who loves him and parents who feed him.

10 years olds aren't known for their empathy and compassion to be fair, but it's kind of up to us to help them learn. Communication goes a long way with kids of that age - which I appreciate isn't always easy because they can be quite frustrating. As you've been ill and she has hormones flying all over, you have probably just clashed, apologise to her, chalk it up to a bit of a rubbish week and have a chat with her about expectations.

It also wouldn't harm your daughter to be bored and entertain herself once in a while, 4x per week gymnastics and days out constantly are amazing in one way, but this is her expectation of life, so staying in the house doing nothing isn't something she wants to do - tell her this afternoon, you guys are staying in and she can do what she wants in the house, but as you're still a bit poorly, you will be relaxing on the sofa watching TV and see how she manages.