So fed up with my child

[arrghhhh]

I know I handled this situation all wrong this morning but I am honestly so fed up. I am a single mum to a 10 year old girl. She goes to her dads once in the week and then every second weekend so I do get breaks.

However, she is an angel for her dad. With me, not so much. She was at her dads last night, I phoned her this morning to see what time she would be home, looking forward to seeing her. The full phone call was just from start to finish moan, moan, moan.

I have been ill with tonsillitis all week so granted, this hasn't been the best week for her, however, she has still made her gymnastics club (4 day of the week) and yesterday my dad took her a day out. Next week I have a day out planned with her and I said since I'm feeling better we will go out a big walk tomorrow.

She said okay to the walk but only if the dogs don't come. I'm like, what? Of course the dogs are coming. Queue 'it's not fairrrr, the dogs alwaysssss come with us'. I said don't be so ridiculous, of course I'm bringing the dogs. It literally makes no difference other than the fact she constantly needs and seeks attention. Also it's a downright lie considering I take her plenty places without the dogs, for instance last week when I took her and her friend to the park - no dogs in tow. It's as if she just finds anything at all to moan about.

She then starts asking what we are doing this afternoon. I said well you have gymnastics and then probably just potter about in house today as I am still not feeling 100 percent. Queue more moaning.

At this point I lost it, I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

Definitely didn't deal with this situation well but I am so fed up with her constant negativity. She sucks the life out of me. Even after a full day out with my dad yesterday, she's still miserable, doesn't appreciate it. Shrugs and says the day out 'was fine'. She's only happy when with her friends and I'm just sick of it.

I'm sick of trying to do nice things with her when she appreciates nothing. Whilst I've been I'll she hasn't shown one bit of empathy or compassion, it's all about her and how it affects her and her plans.

@arrghhhh post on the relationships board for good advice on how to tackle this sort of thing. AIBU is absolutely awful at times very unMNetty which was set up to offer advice and support to other Mums back when all this were fields.

You told your 10 year old to stay at her dads, then hung up on her!? Sorry but none of what she has said warranted that reaction from you. You owe her an apology.

WRT not taking the dogs with you on a walk, you say she is only happy with her friends but it sounds like she would like your undivided attention for a couple of hours. Take that opportunity to walk with her and chat with her without other distractions and see how it goes.

You aren’t at your best as you are ill.
Positives are she’s wanting to spend 1-1 time with you.
I’d try and have a nice day when she gets back maybe a small grown up treat like walking to a cafe for a drink together.
Can you draw up a summer plan together, explain you want to have a nice summer not arguing. Would more set times with dad help rather than you ringing her.
Taking a step back and being the grown up is often best course. It’s easy to get sucked in to arguments and negativity especially if you are quite similar personality wise.

Op some of these comments arent helpful its like ‘you chose to have kids so deal with it’. You’re looking for advice not unhelpful comments.

my 8 year old is going through the same, constantly ungrateful, and whining. We’ve put a rewards/consequences plan into place. We reward good behaviour. If he’s misbehaving he loses things. It seems to be working. Also can I just say kids get worse at the end of school term. A lot of changes unsettle them so like previous posts say, don’t argue back be firm, ‘the dogs are coming, they need to be walked’. Puberty is coming so I imagine it’s probably gonna get worse with hormones flying round. Good luck. Also we are all human, don’t beat yourself up.

Personally I don't think moaning that your child needs attention, referring to them as a little shit, telling them not to come home and hanging up on them is really 'dealing' with anything.

OP I have been in your position, exactly same set up with my 2 kids going to dad's every other weekend etc. And we had the dog in tow and Dad didn't. And have to confess I said something similar about staying at Dad's etc a few times. Didn't make me feel great after, but it happens, especially when you're tired or unwell. You are only human, we all make mistakes. I would sit her down when your feeling better, apologise but explain how you feel and why you said that. Keep talking openly and honestly is key. Like others have said, she is probably at the age where hormones are on the horizon and she is starting to feel differently . It's really hard being a single parent even if you have some support around. Don't be so hard on yourself. I sort of understand the dog comment though, sometimes it does curtail plans or limits what you can do. As long as you also have days out without the dog though, it's fine, just remind her of those times, or things you have planned, next time it comes up. Having a dog comes with responsibilities and I guess that's part of learning how to compromise etc. Hope you feel better soon x

Sometimes rather than kicking a mother when she’s down, it’s better to offer a little empathy and help OP understand her DD general attitude. Being a parent is hard, especially a single one and you don’t get it right all the time, we are only human and do not always deal with situations how we thought we might, OP acknowledged this herself.
OP you’re not feeling well and you don’t feel appreciated, I totally understand that feeling. I would avoid getting into confrontation, explain the dogs are coming and ask for suggestions where you could go and what you might do, try and turn a negative into a positive, it’s worked relatively well for me sometimes but there are times when children do have to be told that their attitude towards their family member isn’t acceptable.

She gets my undivided attention loads though. It's just us two in the house with the dogs who are very low maintenance. In the back garden she has all her gymnastics stuff, bars, beams, mats etc and she asks me to sit out and watch her do her gymnastics which I frequently do. She comes delivering with me on a Saturday morning where it's 4 hours of my undivided attention and we have really good talks. We play uno and board games. Go for picnics. Took her on a shopping trip couple weeks ago just me and her and once she'd gotten what she wanted she was uninterested and just wanted home. Her friends are over my house a lot. I do plenty with my daughter and of course I like her, she just is massively pissing me off just now and yes probably more so as I don't feel 100 percent.

To whoever said, gymnastics club isn't a fun summer, that's an ungrateful attitude in itself, how can you possibly claim that? Me and her dad spent hundreds of pounds for her to go to this over summer as she absolutely loves gymnastics and really wanted to go. She definitely does enjoy gymnastics so your comment is very ignorant.

I have a moany child too and I do tell him to stop moaning sometimes. They need to be told but it also helps if you listen to the fact they're generally a bit miserable and try to find out why. Talk to her about what she's feeling. Maybe she's struggling with missing you when she's at her dads, and missing her dad when she's with you. It sounds like you both need a bit of cheering up, why don't you plan something together to look forward to like a cinema trip or a night away together?

You didn't handle it brilliantly but you already know that, so for that, I would be having a gentle chat with her and apologise for your behaviour.
That doesn't mean that you can't broach the subject of her being moany and negative but I'd hazard a guess that hormones are starting to play a part here. I'm guessing she's in yr5 - going into yr 6? I've worked with children for years and years and there's no way I'd teach in a yr 6 class! They're changing and pushing boundaries, so I imagine your DD is just a typical 10 yr old.
Doesn't make it easy for you though.

I disagree from personal experience my mum fobbed me off in the holidays to clubs “I loved” and it was awful I hated it and felt I was put there because it was easier for her and it made me not “love” said activity anymore. I wanted to do fun things with my mum not be babysat in clubs and 4 days out of 7 is an awful lot and then she’s at her dads so isn’t getting that much time with you to do real fun activities together. I don’t think it is an ungrateful or ignorant attitude it was meant to give you a child’s perspective on things like that which aren’t always as you see them.

I do feel kids do have too much these days (not saying OP DD does) and maybe this is why a lot of children don’t appreciate the smaller things. In the summer holidays, we didn’t expect much and did very little in terms of days out/activities and we still had a good time and would rarely moan because we were too busy amusing ourselves.

Some very harsh comments on her op , of course you are entitled to feel annoyed when you do so much with your daughter and she is moaning . I have a DS10 he was terrible the other Saturday he had been boxing , swimming and we took him to play football then in the evening he had a massive strop saying he had had the worst day ever all because we wouldn't let him have any extra switch time ! Totally oblivious and ignorant to how the whole day had revolves around him ! It is tough sometimes at this age , think you have to have a chat when she is in a good mood and have a little chat about how lucky she is and that sometimes comprises have to be made .

Totally agree. It's no wonder the world is full of self-centred, immature and obnoxious people. Yes 10 is a hard age, as are plenty of others, but good parenting isn't rolling over and taking it because that's what kids are like.

Losing your temper with a child isn't ideal if it's the default reaction, but sometimes getting a bollocking is a natural consequence of being a whiny little shit all the time. And learning not to be whiny and ungrateful is an important part of growing up.

OP, my kids are younger, but I have a zero tolerance approach to whinging. As in, they know if they use a certain voice or constantly complain, I'm just going to ignore them until they reframe things more positively. I'm not saying it works all the time, but I don't bend for whinging, ever. Which means we sometimes fall out, that's life. Don't beat yourself up.

@Thatboymum it's two hours, 4 days a week

OP, I understand you 100% my daughter is 12 and is exactly the same. No appreciation for anything we do for her and anything she has, days out, extra after school actvities, even the food i cook is awful apparently. it's exhausting. (Even though she would rip my arm off for 4 gym classes a week so your daughter is lucky, that would make my daughters summer to the poster who said it was shit)

I'm hoping it's just age related and we try to just move on from things. As pp said, dogs will be coming for a walk, end of topic, move on.

I think my dd acts like a spoilt brat even though she's not and sometimes especially when you run ragged and unwell you just get to the end of the line.

She's 10, she should definitely be able to show empathy for her mother who has been unwell. Have a proper chat with her, with support from Dad, (maybe talk to Dad before hand and tell him what she is like at home in comparison to with him)

Children develop empathy at 4/5. She’s plenty old enough to show a little thought for her mum

Agreed. They’re not grateful it just means their expectations are raised

OP,

Parenting is hard and you are not well, so even harder.

Moaning children are difficult but buying into it is never a good idea.

Stop killing yourself trying to fill her time.

Children that are endlessly entertained are rarely satisfied.

Step back.

Drop the rope.

Tell her calmly and kindly that her moaning has gotten out of hand and that she needs to be aware of it.

When she asks what she is doing today, say nothing, pick up a book, entertain yourself.

Keep saying this and perhaps she will gain a little perspective.

This will only get worse.

Stop bending yourself out of shape trying to entertain her, it won't end well.

If she's bored, give her jobs to do, like tidy her bedroom.

Her lack of empathy is being supported by you doing too much.

When she asks what are we doing, say nothing, I am ill, entertain yourself.

You are doing your very best, accept that.

Teaching her empathy and consideration for others is so important.

If you don't do it, you may well have a very very selfish teen on your hands.

Take action now, while you can.

Hope you feel better soon.

Remember there is a difference between confiding in you and endlessly moaning.

Oh just remembered something.

Start a gratitude journal with her to write in, or asking her everyday to give you three things that she is grateful for.

It might help her change her thinking.

She's allowed to express that she's bored, how does that make her ungrateful?

What you've got planned isn't very exciting, she should be allowed to be unhappy about that.

Sounds like it's not the first time either if she's telling you beforehand. She obviously doesn't enjoy doing nothing for a lot of her day.

Kids only have adults to take them places and do stuff outside of the house. Can't you see that? She's saying if she had a choice, she wouldn't want to do pretty much nothing.

Sorry OP, it’s rubbish when you’re not feeling well.

Obv you spend a lot on gymnastics and all the gear but when they do something like that so often, the value probably isn’t clear in their lives because it becomes an every day thing.

10 year old girls are at a tricky age where they feel like they should be grown up but they aren’t really.

Are you able to stretch to any activities to take her to? Trampoline park, farm, swimming pool etc? Shopping might not be her thing - it’s definitely not mine.

Also, I don’t know if like most (including me), we spend a lot of time on phones/computer etc and I can always tell when I’ve done too much of that (like right now) because mine really play up. Maybe put the phones aside a bit and see if that helps.

hope you feel better soon. x

Tough @Irequireausername she can entertain herself. Her holidays sound very nice and much more considerate of her hobbies than anything I did as a child. You sound like a ‘spoiling’ parent. You can’t entertain them 24/7

Agree.

Moany children don't morph into happy appreciative teens, they get a lot worse.

At 10 of course she should have empathy for her mother.

When very ill and in bed, mine would pop in to check if I needed anything.

Very basic stuff IMO.

But if she is being reared as a spoiled self absorbed child with no empathy, then where exactly is she is supposed to learn it, and from whom?

She needs to hear the OP spell it out.

I am so disappointed in your behaviour, I have been so ill and you have shown zero interest nor kindness towards your mum who loves you?

Why would you not think you should ask me am I ok?

Would you like it if I behaved as if I didn't care when YOU were sick?

Ask her to think about it.

Ask her after a while what she thinks she would do differently?

When it comes to teaching empathy and consideration, you need to insist upon it, until they get it.

This is NOT about guilting her.
It's about spelling out a life skill that she needs to learn.

Empathy and consideration for others.

Its ok to say we aren't going anywhere today I AM TIRED.

Finally OP, let her see you assert yourself and insist on consideration, by showing empathy and consideration for yourself while YOU are ill.

I hate the idea of ‘she’s a kid it’s to be expected’. Not all kids and teens are like this. Many are perfectly pleasant and nice!

Poor OP - bit of a pile on here! 10 -15 year old girls are the DEVIL'S SPAWN. They're ungrateful, whiny little bitches. Been there, done that. My DD is 25 now and has been (mostly) a delight since 16/17. You were absolutely right to pull your DD up for her behaviour but as others have said, apologise for losing your temper and have a chat about gratefulness, mindfulness and thinking of others.

To the PPs who've said you can't expect 10 year olds to have empathy/act like decent human beings: are you raising sociopaths? Seriously, my 10 year old DS has so much empathy it actually makes me worry about the impact of others' suffering on his mental health.