So fed up with my child

[arrghhhh]

I know I handled this situation all wrong this morning but I am honestly so fed up. I am a single mum to a 10 year old girl. She goes to her dads once in the week and then every second weekend so I do get breaks.

However, she is an angel for her dad. With me, not so much. She was at her dads last night, I phoned her this morning to see what time she would be home, looking forward to seeing her. The full phone call was just from start to finish moan, moan, moan.

I have been ill with tonsillitis all week so granted, this hasn't been the best week for her, however, she has still made her gymnastics club (4 day of the week) and yesterday my dad took her a day out. Next week I have a day out planned with her and I said since I'm feeling better we will go out a big walk tomorrow.

She said okay to the walk but only if the dogs don't come. I'm like, what? Of course the dogs are coming. Queue 'it's not fairrrr, the dogs alwaysssss come with us'. I said don't be so ridiculous, of course I'm bringing the dogs. It literally makes no difference other than the fact she constantly needs and seeks attention. Also it's a downright lie considering I take her plenty places without the dogs, for instance last week when I took her and her friend to the park - no dogs in tow. It's as if she just finds anything at all to moan about.

She then starts asking what we are doing this afternoon. I said well you have gymnastics and then probably just potter about in house today as I am still not feeling 100 percent. Queue more moaning.

At this point I lost it, I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

Definitely didn't deal with this situation well but I am so fed up with her constant negativity. She sucks the life out of me. Even after a full day out with my dad yesterday, she's still miserable, doesn't appreciate it. Shrugs and says the day out 'was fine'. She's only happy when with her friends and I'm just sick of it.

I'm sick of trying to do nice things with her when she appreciates nothing. Whilst I've been I'll she hasn't shown one bit of empathy or compassion, it's all about her and how it affects her and her plans.

When I was 10/11 years old, I was taken regularly to my grandparents. I loved it because I felt that they understood me. Then would come the day, when I was collected by my parents and I went back to my routine with them. I resented it bitterly and was badly behaved. I was too young to analyse why I felt so angry with my parents; I acted out my resentment without understanding why I felt so unsettled. We needed to sit down and talk.

Yes, there is something going on - OP has tonsillitis which makes you feel extremely ill. And her DD has had a lot of entertainment including a day out with OP's dad and doing her gymnastics club.

Thank you for all the kind comments. Parenting is so tough, the toughest thing I have ever done in my life. I wish there was a manual. In constant fear that I'm going to fuck her up or already have and she will live a very unhappy life due to me. And the love I feel, it's overwhelming. But yeah I admit, sometimes I do not like her, sometimes I scream so loud in my head and want to bang it against a brick wall. Other times it's a blast. I'll get there, we all will

You slammed down the phone on her for daring to moan that she wouldn't be doing much today.

Apart from that isn’t what happened is it? This is off the back of a drip, drip, drip of whining and complaining about what sounds to me like a nice life with lots of effort by her mum to accommodate her hobbies and keep her happy and entertained. OP had been unwell, which is usually a trigger for feeling shit and exhausted and on edge. Then came on here because she knew it crossed a line. But sure, you tell yourself she’s just randomly screaming obscenities at her kid who complains because she keeps her cooped up all day and never takes her anywhere if it suits your narrative.

I understand, I really do, you’re not a shit mum 💐

Yep!
I feel ALL of this!

Wouldn't change a thing but what on earth did I get myself into?!

This. I totally agree.

Also, given the massive power imbalance between child/parent, I think teaching someone they need to be grateful for attention and “kindness” from the person with all the power can be unhealthy.

Op, the fact that your daughter is able to act out with you could be seen as a complement: that she feels relaxed enough with you, perhaps indeed after holding it all in with her dad?

OR, she may be doing this to test your love for her. As a kid, I used to do that — I’d act out. I just wanted someone (ideally my mum) to say “ it’s ok , I’m here no matter how awful you are” (I had an alcoholic mother). Suffice to say she never did and I have zero relationship with my mum today.

I know it sounds perverse, to be empathetic when kids are annoying, but children are not mature. In fact, I’ve always applied loads of empathy with my son: if he ever had a melt down as a kid, I’d listen and empathise, and maybe name his emotion eg “you’re upset because we need to leave the park. I understand. I wish we didn’t need to leave the park either, but we do. “ etc etc etc.

Heaps of patience and empathy does seem to have worked since I now have a teenager who is a dream (he was always good natured, so might have been like this anyway!, plus it may all change!). Agree with pp on puberty: hormones can do shocking things.

This all said, you’ve been super ill with tonsillitis, we all snap (I certainly do!), so move on now.

But I recommend always hunting out the very best in your daughter. I always comment on any positive thing my son does - I notice the good stuff, it seems to make him do good even more. my bro also once commented on how I slanted things in the positive - eg that I’d said “stay on the pavement” (rather than keep off the road). Tho of course sometimes you have to tell them to get off the road! Maybe when your daughter comes home today you can hear her out, help her navigate some of her emotions? She’s probably as upset as you are, if not worse, even if she pretends not to be. A parent is still everything to a ten year old. Good luck (peace and empathy :-)

Do you work or are you a stay at home mum I want to understand your comment?

My DD is exactly the same; I used to get frustrated & stressed over it but as I realised nothing I did changed her attitude or behaviour I now walk away or largely ignore it & when she moans about plans I just say things like oh good I’m glad your pleased & then just walk away, I also remove choices & just tell her what’s happening

I couldn't agree more.

The child is dependent on the adults around it.

You deal with the behaviour by modelling good behaviour. A 10 year old who is self-centred and moany is developmentally normal. Telling a child they shouldn't come home and hanging up the phone on them, is handling the situation badly. Most parents have similar moments, but they should realize their behaviour was the real problem that needs to be addressed in order to help the child regulate their own behaviour.

I don’t understand the idea that a child needs to be grateful for you giving them a decent childhood. I chose to have a child, it’s my job to ensure they have a decent childhood. Sounds like a typical preteen who is a bit bored and lonely and is looking for some quality time with you

I think there is a difference between not being grateful, and being UNgrateful and rude.

I don't expect my DC to be grateful for these things but I don't expect them to whine excessively and act like I'm not doing enough for them either. There is a balance.

I do think people take the above mentality too far. "You chose to have a child so why should I be grateful you bought me an ice cream" is not a positive mentality to have - it's normal and appropriate to teach your children to appreciate things, even things given by their parents.

This is very similar to the "the child didn't MEAN to hurt your baby so why should they say sorry" thread from a few weeks ago. Neither thing will make for very pleasant adults.

So does something magical happen on the eve of their 18th birthday?

Parenting is a lot tougher when the parents aren’t together. No one to roll your eyes with, to laugh and say aren’t they ungrateful monsters, to offload and also to share lovely times when they’ve done well or are particularly sweet. We also are pressured to do far more with our children and provide all their emotional needs-when I was a kid I was told to go and play out which we all happily did. Parents weren’t expected to provide endless entertainment. So give yourself a break-you’re doing fine and she’ll look back and wonder how she could’ve been so brattish. But do cut her a bit of slack too. It’s a complex world for them.

What a spectacularly ridiculous response. Did it make you feel good??

I don't think you did anything wrong at all OP. She was being whiny and ungrateful and her mum told her off, end of.

Well yes, generally as children get older they get more independence and can make more of their own choices.

I have an 11 year old and totally get where you are coming from. She said yesterday afternoon that this has been the most boring summer of her life - despite the fact that we have spent a fortune paying for activities, taking her to friends' houses, signing her up to club that she asked to do. It is ANNOYING! But I think to an extent this is how the teenage years are going to be, I'm sort of mentally prepared for her being a pain in the arse until she is about 18. I'm pulling her up on her behaviour and reminding her of all the privileges she has in life - but I think they are inherently selfish at the moment and it might only be later in life that those messages really start to land. Until then, sending you lots of patience and perseverance!

So they should never display gratitude or empathy until they’re moved out? And magically they will show it after?

Try arguing with someone else, i'm not interested.

What’s you take on why she’s an angel for Dad?

@arrghhhh

Don't worry about the shitty comments from the Perfect Parents who literally never say the wrong thing let alone sound off on an anonymous forum when they're ill and upset with their child!

You don't get manuals when children are born, we're all still learning.

I think in your position I'd probably apologise to her as well, just acknowledge that you were wrong to snap, you're feeling unwell still. Then have a big cuddle when she's back.

shes 10 and spoilt rotten. Probably going through puberty too.
just don’t take her anywhere, don’t take her to gymnastics club etc for a few weeks and let her earn back these privileges.

You posted, you should expect your post to be queried, especially if it’s ridiculous

She sounds pretty normal. You sound like you’re doing a good job. It’s really great that you manage to Co-parent so well with your ex, you should be really proud.

To me the things that stood out was that she was obviously in a bad mood when she talked to you at her dad’s. Maybe she finds it difficult to deal with both sides of her life at once, in which case it would be better to limit the phone calls and just discuss plans face to face. Also did you work out why she didn’t want the dogs? If it’s a valid reason maybe you could have a longer walk just you two then a short one with the dogs later. I think in your position what I would try to do is choose my battles, so recognise when you’re getting wound up and stop the interaction, then pick it up when you are both in a calmer frame of mind.