So fed up with my child

[arrghhhh]

I know I handled this situation all wrong this morning but I am honestly so fed up. I am a single mum to a 10 year old girl. She goes to her dads once in the week and then every second weekend so I do get breaks.

However, she is an angel for her dad. With me, not so much. She was at her dads last night, I phoned her this morning to see what time she would be home, looking forward to seeing her. The full phone call was just from start to finish moan, moan, moan.

I have been ill with tonsillitis all week so granted, this hasn't been the best week for her, however, she has still made her gymnastics club (4 day of the week) and yesterday my dad took her a day out. Next week I have a day out planned with her and I said since I'm feeling better we will go out a big walk tomorrow.

She said okay to the walk but only if the dogs don't come. I'm like, what? Of course the dogs are coming. Queue 'it's not fairrrr, the dogs alwaysssss come with us'. I said don't be so ridiculous, of course I'm bringing the dogs. It literally makes no difference other than the fact she constantly needs and seeks attention. Also it's a downright lie considering I take her plenty places without the dogs, for instance last week when I took her and her friend to the park - no dogs in tow. It's as if she just finds anything at all to moan about.

She then starts asking what we are doing this afternoon. I said well you have gymnastics and then probably just potter about in house today as I am still not feeling 100 percent. Queue more moaning.

At this point I lost it, I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

Definitely didn't deal with this situation well but I am so fed up with her constant negativity. She sucks the life out of me. Even after a full day out with my dad yesterday, she's still miserable, doesn't appreciate it. Shrugs and says the day out 'was fine'. She's only happy when with her friends and I'm just sick of it.

I'm sick of trying to do nice things with her when she appreciates nothing. Whilst I've been I'll she hasn't shown one bit of empathy or compassion, it's all about her and how it affects her and her plans.

Some of the messages here are very harsh about you.

we have one dd and, as good as her relationship with her father is, she doesn’t unload in her father the way she does to me. I get all the misery, the moans, the ungratefulness, the self-centredness. And it gets very wearing.

I have shown patience, modelled good behaviour, listened, sympathised - you name it. And, on occasion, I have bitten back. Sometimes, the relentlessness of it all gets to me in a big way. However, she is now coming out the other side, a bit.

I have no advice, really, to give, except to say that your daughter is at the start of her journey and it’s going to be hard on you. You are doing well for now and just be aware that your line in the sand over her behaviour might have to float on the tide of the day for the next few years.

It's ok to vent on here. I do things a lot that are pretty bad parenting and feel awful about it. Being passive aggressive and hanging up on your 10 year old. I would feel bad about that. And I think you do. You're wanting some empathy and validation of your feelings. You've got that from me. But I can't say you did the right thing. I'm reading 'Why didn't they teach THIS at school?!' which is a book which talks about reacting to people and seeing their communication and their behaviour as their needs. What does your daughter need right now? She's been away from you. She's missing you. When she says she doesn't want the dogs to come, maybe she means she needs you to let her know she loves you and you've missed her and you're looking forward to doing something just with her. Maybe if you heard that and responded to it she wouldn't give a crap if the dogs came or not. They don't keep a tally chart of how often you've done all the good stuff before and refer back to it by the way. They don't remember all the times you do all the good stuff and rationalise. They just need you to say it now. Good luck.

Really sorry you're unwell OP.

Could the dogs not stay at home for one walk? Personally I prefer a peaceful countryside walk without dogs. It's not unreasonable for her to say that!

As for the not showing sympathy--I get it, it would lovely to get some sympathy, but she's a typical kid. Sounds like no one is there for you when you're unwell, and that sucks, but not fair to take it out on her.

I understand Op. whining and ungrateful children can be incredibly draining. And there is nothing wrong with pointing it out sometimes. She is an only child and so probably used to having a lot of time and attention spent on her.
I really think she needs to learn to spend time doing her own thing. And If she moans about doing an activity, don’t do it or take her straight home. She will soon learn the consequences. It’s an ongoing battle.

As others have said, this is not unusual behaviour for a 10-year-old - but that doesn't mean you should let selfishness, ingratitude, whining etc go unchecked.

The fact that's she's like this with you and not her dad is very likely just because you are the one who has her most of the time. Kids tend to choose the person they're most secure with as the outlet for shitty behaviour. A friend of mine is currently parenting a 13-year-old who is being utterly vile at home on a daily basis, and then going to parents' evenings where her teachers describe said 13-year-old as a picture of kindness, diligence and charm who is a pleasure to be around and a shining example to others.

Seems pretty standard and fair for you to be frustrated except for two things. The slamming of the phone, you already know that's not cool and not teaching her good anger management. But i grew up with my mum telling me if i didnt behave i would be sent to my dads. Made me feel like a burder, insecure in our relationship, and like i had to be careful around her because she might not want me otherwise. Unfortunately she lashed out at you because you are her most secure relationship. You need to try to cherish that even when it means you get the worst of her.

If she’s doing gymnastics 4 times a week it sounds like she’s in an elite squad. This adds another dimension. Don’t underestimate the pressure and exhaustion that goes with this. Dd did hours of training a week plus competitions and was constantly tired and moany in the way you describe. Also good behaviour isn’t necessarily modeled in these groups, they are competitive, coaches can be harsh and young gymnasts can be bitchy without anyone moderating. When she decided to give up in year 8 she suddenly became much happier although she really had a talent for gymnastics and used to love it

I can see you're frustrated and angry @arrghhhh and kids do that to you sometimes. Just take no notice of the nasty scathing vitriolic responses on here from the judgy 'oh so perfect parents' with wonderful amazing iccle bairns...

You can actually be at the end of your tether with your children sometimes - and although you love them and care about them deeply, you do have occasions now and again in their lives, when you don't like them ... and wish they would fuck off to the far side of fuck for an hour! It's a fleeting moment but you do wish that now and again - but it is short lived and it will pass.

My two were absolutel angels from the age of probably two or three right up to about 15 ...(they are a year apart in age...) I'm not kidding you ... it was a perfect life with them and I absolutely adored being with them. Then they got to sort of 15-16 and suddenly became hard work for about 4 or 5 years .. so rude and entitled and demanding and bloody obstinate and opinionated.

Criticising me and their dad, criticizing our home, and our car, and our life. So rude. I was actually genuinely glad when they left home for uni, because it was such a tough 3 or so years with them...before they went... Even for the first couple of years at uni they were a bit better, but still a bit rude and entitled. Mellowed and grew up a bit by year 3.

I did miss them for a few weeks after they had gone to uni though, and was actually glad when they came back for the hols... They never really came back properly because at the age of 21 when they left uni - they moved in with their friends or boyfriend ...

They have been amazing fantastic loving and caring young adults since they left uni (7-8 years ago,) and they are now nearly thirty and I absolutely love the bones of them ... They make my life a much better place - and DH's too. It was just 4 or 5 years of tough times with them. Looking back now it wasn't that long really, and all kids are the same!

This will pass and your 10 year old might be a little shit now, and I'm sure she knows what she's doing !!! But you're just going to have to be tolerant! Good luck - it's a tough road - but you'll be fine!

(((HUGS))) It'll be OK!

I know it's annoying, but yeah, kids moan. My 10yo is the same. From what I can work out, the moaning is often not really about what they're moaning about.

I'm hearing a child that really wants special time with you. She might be worried or just missing you cos you're ill.

I do hope you've called her to make up. If not, do it soon, otherwise you'll end up with a grudge holding teen!

Many kids are ungrateful little shits at that age OP. Sounds perfectly normal to me. That doesn't mean you don't need to address it though. My DS was like this and I think I tried to make him realise how easy he has it but if I'm honest he is still an ungrateful shit at 15!

I have 10 yr old twins now and they are inclined to be lazy but they are never ungrateful, thank me for days out, treats, nice dinners etc. Always respectful. My point is they were all raised the same way so I try not to congratulate myself on the behaviour of the good ones or beat myself up about the demanding spoilt one because personality plays a huge role in this.

Sometimes MN makes me laugh. Everyone is a perfect parent and you are in the wrong for telling your 10 year old off. I would be pissed off with her too , she is ungrateful and needs to be told kids do push your buttons and have to be pulled up on it. She sounds like a female Kevin.

@PurpleButterflyWings That's a beautiful heart warming post

Totally agree.

I think it was wrong of you to hang up on her, as she may now copy this behaviour, but I don't think it will do her any harm to know that sometimes adults reach their limit for how much they can put up with. Hopefully it will stick with her.

There's nothing wrong with the summer holidays she has. She does not need to be taken on exciting day trips constantly. Her expectations are too high and she is being ungrateful. I would tell her these things and tell her that if she can't be polite and stop with the constant whining, then she can stay at home with no friends over and entertain herself. She'll get the message eventually.

OP, this sounds like my eldest. It’s exhausting. I am also a single Mum. I think it’s partly to do with the age and of course impending puberty. And obviously when you’re crook, your tolerance is low. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. If you’re a shit Mum, then I’m a downright monster!! Sending solidarity and hope you get well soon ❤️

OP, have you ever sat back and asked yourself why her DDad gets better behaviour from her? You say you get on well, but is his parenting style very different to yours? Does she respond better to his way of doing things? Or do you think it's more that his home is a novelty, because she spends far more time with you? If the latter, maybe you should consider moving to a 50/50 arrangement.

I don’t understand the idea that a child needs to be grateful for you giving them a decent childhood. I chose to have a child, it’s my job to ensure they have a decent childhood. Sounds like a typical preteen who is a bit bored and lonely and is looking for some quality time with you.

Try to remember that everything children say and do is communication. They cannot always find the words to express their feelings so they use other behaviours. Your daughter is expressing some sort of unhappiness. We can't be sure what, but try to listen to how she is feeling rather than arguing with her. Sometimes they just need to be heard and then the anxiety lifts.

Remember too that it is normal for children to be a bit off when transitioning from one parent's home to the other. We seem to expect them to just roll with it but it is of course disruptive. She's allowed to feel bothered by things.

She isn't an ungrateful brat, she is just a 10 year old child trying to make sense of her world and where she fits in to it. As her main caregiver, you need to be her rock. Try to separate your frustrations from your reactions. Hear her out and say things like, thank you for telling me that, I didn't know you felt that way. Rather than just dismissing or reprimanding her.

Just an update - spoken to her dad who is in agreement that I didn't handle it as well as I could have but he understood. He said that she was in a good mood this morning and her demeanour changed as soon as I called. She is at work with him and has called me to apologise. I think she has learned her lesson as she has now missed gymnastics due to this. She will be back shortly.

Indeed

I have one who has recently become a bit like this - it seems to be a misplaced need for control or responsibility, thinking that to negotiate and have the last word is a victory of some sorts.

I have found a sort of deflection works best, to something they can choose, rather than getting stuck in a "yes" "no" cycle.

So "I don't want the dogs to come," "well they are, but you can choose where we go"

• so you sort of move on from the non negotiable things, if that makes sense.

Btw, my post wasn't meant to be critical of the OP, I was trying to say it's fine to lose your rag with your kids occasionally when they're being horrible, and it's totally reasonable to want to see a better attitude.

Sometimes kids can be little shits and yes sometimes they are hard to like no matter how much you love them. I am going through a lot of stuff with my youngest right now and it's bloody hard. She is my fifth so i have lots of experience but that doesn't make a jot of difference unfortunately, except that i have living proof that this too shall pass. I think people are being very harsh, you have been ill and had a shit few days so your patience has worn out, it happens. No advice as such op but remember to be kind to yourself, and keep reminding yourself that difficult though it is, in a few years your dd will be a perfectly nice, reasonable adult.

Not RTFT but OP your human.

You're unwell & she's a whiner with no compassion. Mainly because she's 10.

All these people banging on their keyboard insinuating (by laying into you) that they get it right 100% of the time are either delusional or don't have actual human children.

Accept that adults have big feelings too. We try really hard but sometimes the 'grown up' mask slips - we wouldn't be human if you never messed up. AND a lot of us didn't have gentle parents which is a very new thing, so we're battling those ingrained lessons from childhood.

All you can do is apologise for putting the phone down. Tell her how you felt at the time, but acknowledge that your response wasnt helpful. Reflect on a better way to handle it next time & move on.

I hope you feel better soon & DD is okay.