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AIBU?

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Original poster

So fed up with my child

199 replies

arrghhhh · 20/07/2023 09:58

I know I handled this situation all wrong this morning but I am honestly so fed up. I am a single mum to a 10 year old girl. She goes to her dads once in the week and then every second weekend so I do get breaks.

However, she is an angel for her dad. With me, not so much. She was at her dads last night, I phoned her this morning to see what time she would be home, looking forward to seeing her. The full phone call was just from start to finish moan, moan, moan.

I have been ill with tonsillitis all week so granted, this hasn't been the best week for her, however, she has still made her gymnastics club (4 day of the week) and yesterday my dad took her a day out. Next week I have a day out planned with her and I said since I'm feeling better we will go out a big walk tomorrow.

She said okay to the walk but only if the dogs don't come. I'm like, what? Of course the dogs are coming. Queue 'it's not fairrrr, the dogs alwaysssss come with us'. I said don't be so ridiculous, of course I'm bringing the dogs. It literally makes no difference other than the fact she constantly needs and seeks attention. Also it's a downright lie considering I take her plenty places without the dogs, for instance last week when I took her and her friend to the park - no dogs in tow. It's as if she just finds anything at all to moan about.

She then starts asking what we are doing this afternoon. I said well you have gymnastics and then probably just potter about in house today as I am still not feeling 100 percent. Queue more moaning.

At this point I lost it, I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

Definitely didn't deal with this situation well but I am so fed up with her constant negativity. She sucks the life out of me. Even after a full day out with my dad yesterday, she's still miserable, doesn't appreciate it. Shrugs and says the day out 'was fine'. She's only happy when with her friends and I'm just sick of it.

I'm sick of trying to do nice things with her when she appreciates nothing. Whilst I've been I'll she hasn't shown one bit of empathy or compassion, it's all about her and how it affects her and her plans.

OP posts:
Forestfriendlygarden · 20/07/2023 12:58

Just wanting to add a voice to say yes it is hard when you are not feeling well and you still need to do the job, and yes, young uns and teenagers can be utter shits about this. If you are lucky they apologise afterwards.

It is particularly hard if you are on your own as a parent, especially if you are not feeling well, but have no choice but to carry on.

The times when you might have been able to go to bed and stay there and ignore everyone might be far away. I'ts hard!

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 20/07/2023 13:01

@Mulhollandmagoo says 'tell her this afternoon, you guys are staying in and she can do what she wants in the house, but as you're still a bit poorly, you will be relaxing on the sofa watching TV and see how she manages.'

Even better ask her to snuggle on the sofa and watch tv with you. Take turns to choose what to watch. Make it a lazy, relaxed mon and daughter time.

My DC had lots of nice holidays, fun activities and home cooked organic food but their happiest childhood memories are of the days we all lolled around in our pjs and binge watched the Gilmore Girls or Mary Kate and Ashley movies and ate snack food.

MechanicalGoat · 20/07/2023 13:02

This may not be massively helpful, but children have a tendency to let out all their ‘bad’ behaviour with the person they feel most comfortable with. They feel as though they won’t be judged by that person so they behave in a way that appears to be acting up. I am saying this to let you know that, in a way, it could be a sort of complement. She is getting out all her ‘bad’ behaviour around you because she feels at ease with you. She doesn’t behave like that around her dad because she is less comfortable.

I get this isn’t helpful as it doesn’t solve your problem at all and it doesn’t make your experience any better, I just wondered if it might be reassuring that she isn’t be difficult towards you, if that makes sense

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 13:02

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 12:31

Yes, Mumsnet a place where mothers should be robots with no emotions. Also, mothers should be utter pushovers and let the DC walk all over them and let the DC rule the roost.

Show quote history

Yet are surprised when they morph into entitled young adults whom think the whole world revolves around them and find maintaining friendships and relationships hard to do.

I have always encouraged my children to avoid people like these, as long term they often make very self absorbed flaky friends, whom are simply not worth the effort.

ScissorsPaperStone · 20/07/2023 13:03

So sorry, OP. Only read your posts, not the rest of the thread. Has anyone recommended the book "Untangled"? It has some useful bits.

She's horrible to you because you are the one person in the world on whose love she can always count. Therefore you can be her punching bag. It's horrible and I'd love to give you a formula for dealing with it but haven't figured it out myself yet (with a much older daughter!)

adriftinadenofvipers · 20/07/2023 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I might only be guessing here (heavy sarcasm) but I bet you wouldn't call someone a "miserable cow" to their face... and if you would, that speaks volumes about your character!

Mariposista · 20/07/2023 13:08

Constant whinging and whining for the sake of it are enough to drive anyone mad. OP won’t be the only one feeling as she does.

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/07/2023 13:08

MechanicalGoat · 20/07/2023 13:02

This may not be massively helpful, but children have a tendency to let out all their ‘bad’ behaviour with the person they feel most comfortable with. They feel as though they won’t be judged by that person so they behave in a way that appears to be acting up. I am saying this to let you know that, in a way, it could be a sort of complement. She is getting out all her ‘bad’ behaviour around you because she feels at ease with you. She doesn’t behave like that around her dad because she is less comfortable.

I get this isn’t helpful as it doesn’t solve your problem at all and it doesn’t make your experience any better, I just wondered if it might be reassuring that she isn’t be difficult towards you, if that makes sense

Yeah, like a case of 'you always hurt the ones you love.........' Sad

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 13:09

Kingsparkle · 20/07/2023 12:54

I think I’ll stick to my way than ever call my child a spoilt brat who needs be told to be grateful he has a family who loves him and parents who feed him.

Show quote history

Now we know who's raising the next generation of entitled men who treat women as lesser than them.

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/07/2023 13:12

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 13:09

Now we know who's raising the next generation of entitled men who treat women as lesser than them.

Show quote history

This. ^ No wonder there are so many entitled misogynistic men when MOTHERS like @Kingsparkle let their 'little soldiers' do what the fuck they want, and behave how they want, but still pander to their needs. Good Grief! Hmm

Olive19741205 · 20/07/2023 13:13

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 13:02

Yet are surprised when they morph into entitled young adults whom think the whole world revolves around them and find maintaining friendships and relationships hard to do.

I have always encouraged my children to avoid people like these, as long term they often make very self absorbed flaky friends, whom are simply not worth the effort.

Show quote history

Oh yes, totally agree. My DD is only 12 and already she's pulled away from 2 of her friends who just can't deal with not getting their own way. Kids will put up with that for a few short years but once they reach 11/12 they start to see what's what.

Joey2323 · 20/07/2023 13:14

arrghhhh · 20/07/2023 10:06

Oh she's 10. Okay, that's fine. Will just let her away with being an ungrateful little shit then.

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This. It’s only on MN that kids are allowed to get away with blue bloody murder, and the excuse is always puberty and/or “have you considered they might be neurodivergent?” As if that’s an excuse 🙄

NoTouch · 20/07/2023 13:18

I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

It must be a complete mystery where she gets her attitude from...........

As an adult I cannot imagine ever speaking to my, now adult, dc in that way - is is modelling atrocious behaviour. It comes across as very emotionally needy/manipulative and makes you wonder who the child is!

It reminds me of the emotionally needy relationship dh had with his mum and it is a very unhealthy dynamic.

ReachForTheMars · 20/07/2023 13:19

It would be bad parenting if you were like that all the time to her but to be honest, sometimes kids are bloody moany and ungrateful and it grinds you down.

I think it serves them well now and again to see that you're a real person with real feelings and not just something that exists in her orbit for her to moan at.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/07/2023 13:21

There are some really shitty posts towards the OP on here, almost all breaking ‘talk guidelines’.

Who are these mad posters?!

Tessabelle74 · 20/07/2023 13:22

She's 10. Buckle up, this is life for at least 10 years! All you can do is explain yourself, and tell her tough, she does what you say and that's that. She's worse with you because she's more secure with you, that doesn't help much I know, but hang in there, it's perfectly normal, both what she is like and how you feel about her. You got this!

Qbish · 20/07/2023 13:22

MechanicalGoat · 20/07/2023 13:02

This may not be massively helpful, but children have a tendency to let out all their ‘bad’ behaviour with the person they feel most comfortable with. They feel as though they won’t be judged by that person so they behave in a way that appears to be acting up. I am saying this to let you know that, in a way, it could be a sort of complement. She is getting out all her ‘bad’ behaviour around you because she feels at ease with you. She doesn’t behave like that around her dad because she is less comfortable.

I get this isn’t helpful as it doesn’t solve your problem at all and it doesn’t make your experience any better, I just wondered if it might be reassuring that she isn’t be difficult towards you, if that makes sense

This is true.

OP, you've got a good (or bad ;-) ) three years of this to go. Buckle up, and don't expect too much from her.

And if you're the one slamming the phone down on her, what is she learning?

Badger1970 · 20/07/2023 13:23

I think one of the hardest things for me to grasp when raising my 3 DD's was that I'd always love them fiercely but that didn't mean that I would always like them. And there were many many occasions where I didn't.

Flowers
Qbish · 20/07/2023 13:24

NoTouch · 20/07/2023 13:18

I told her she was the most ungrateful child, always miserable, never happy and if my house was so boring then she can stay at her dads for the day and hung up on her.

It must be a complete mystery where she gets her attitude from...........

As an adult I cannot imagine ever speaking to my, now adult, dc in that way - is is modelling atrocious behaviour. It comes across as very emotionally needy/manipulative and makes you wonder who the child is!

It reminds me of the emotionally needy relationship dh had with his mum and it is a very unhealthy dynamic.

There was a similar dynamic in my family. It didn't make me a better person, and it made me resent them.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 20/07/2023 13:25

I don't think you've done anything wrong tbh......nobody likes being around self absorbed whingers.

She's 10. That's old enough to understand there has to be give and take sometimes and to be mindful of how their attitudes can affect others.

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 20/07/2023 13:27

Danikm151 · 20/07/2023 10:02

She’s 10 at the onset of puberty. It’s like you’re expecting her to think like an adult.

she’s 10.

I have a 10 year old and she isn’t constantly moaning and being ungrateful.

i dint allow age, hunger, tiredness to be an excuse for poor behaviour and I have never done so.

Mustbethewine · 20/07/2023 13:28

As a mother of a 12 and a 10 year old, it sounds like normal 10 year old behaviour. They change at around that age. Both my DC changed. Moaning and complaining about things they've never moaned about before. They prefer to spend time with their friends over me any day, which, again, very normal. They grow out of it.

Kingsparkle · 20/07/2023 13:29

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/07/2023 13:12

This. ^ No wonder there are so many entitled misogynistic men when MOTHERS like @Kingsparkle let their 'little soldiers' do what the fuck they want, and behave how they want, but still pander to their needs. Good Grief! Hmm

Show quote history

That’s so far from the truth it actually made me laugh out loud. 😂 You can give your kid boundaries without needing to erode away their self esteem.

therainycamper · 20/07/2023 13:31

OP it it's any consolation I found age 10-12 the worst with my DD and now she's 15 and pretty much delightful. :)

Joey2323 · 20/07/2023 13:31

ReachForTheMars · 20/07/2023 13:19

It would be bad parenting if you were like that all the time to her but to be honest, sometimes kids are bloody moany and ungrateful and it grinds you down.

I think it serves them well now and again to see that you're a real person with real feelings and not just something that exists in her orbit for her to moan at.

This!!!

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