Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

You might be reading it wrong. You would be knackered after 1 week full day 2 kids if you dont do it regularly. She is trying to help you out. If you have something special planned make them skip one class. If you want to be super helpful you can suggesting cooking dinner during time when they are at tennis.

Some of my family lived in that area when their children were small, and as I recall, apart from all the other great places already mentioned, they enjoyed Marble Hill. Just walking along the Thames tow-path would probably be fun for the little ones, too! Also, you could check out Richmond Theatre to see if there's something suitable on whilst you're there: https://www.atgtickets.com/venues/richmond-theatre/- or there's the Polka Theatre in Wimbledon you can probably get to reasonably easily by public transport (so long since I've lived in England I'm not really up on all the travel options): https://polkatheatre.com/
Enjoy your time with your grandchildren!

Sorry think your at fault here!

most clubs you pay monthly or for blocks - your daughter has probably already paid for these clubs in advance.

also how many museums & picnics do you think a 4 & 6 year old want to go on before they get bored - & I doupt by 12 they will be “tired” my 5yr old has endless energy. Esp in the school holidays somehow.

grandparents are ment to offer the parents help, your now causing work for your daughter - suck it up - be flexible- have fun!

A big part of this issue is perhaps the OP's lack of experience/knowledge of London (as she admits) and the sheer volume of traffic and families at attractions in the summer hols.

No one I know would choose to 'do' the theme parks in July or August- total nightmare.

And unless the OP and her H are used to London traffic, finding your way by car in traffic with 2 young kids, and finding parking spaces is not fun!

Most families want to get OUT of London in the summer, not into it.

There may be 'unspoken' issues we aren't aware of such as the daughter being a bit worried about her Dad's ability to drive (yes he's just 66 but does he drive in London?) and how safe the DCs would be.

I see the half-days as a compromise for all.

I am wondering how much the OP sees her grand children anyway and why her daughter doesn't do the trip north more often.

I would be very nervous about grandparents who live far away (so presumably don't have a huge amount of hands on experience of the kids?) planning a whole week of full-on day trips. Some young kids are lovely, and easy going, and take everything in their stride. My 4yo is a flight risk, so would need very careful management, and my 6yo gets easily overwhelmed, which comes across as grumpy and ungrateful. And food is always a stress etc etc.

I would wonder whether your daughter has deliberately orchestrated things so that your day trips can't happen.

There may be 'unspoken' issues we aren't aware of such as the daughter being a bit worried about her Dad's ability to drive (yes he's just 66 but does he drive in London?)

Nice bit of casual ageism there.

She probably should have chatted to you about plans for the week before booking things. However, I expect she is doing this to benefit both you and them. All day every day with a 6 and 4 year old would be full on for you and she knows that. They'd likely get bored and you would find yourself running out of ways to entertain them. What if the weather is bad and you can't do picnics etc. She's asked for your help and you have agreed donyes into think you're being a little unreasonable. She's even said they'll do them morning drop off's. So enjoy a nice quiet morning before chaos ensues in the afternoon. You'll still have plenty of time to spend with them. They'll probably need a couple of afternoons to relax after tennis but I'm sure you can still get out with them on some days, kids this age have boundless energy.

grandparents are ment to offer the parents help, your now causing work for your daughter - suck it up - be flexible- have fun!
That is quite an assumption about what grandparents are meant to do.

Having two children of a similar age, I very much expect that she was thinking this would help you out. My in laws are looking after my eldest for two weeks when I return to work in August (youngest will be in nursery), and only yesterday I was saying I’d book some things to keep him entertained. Why not talk to her about some things you’d like to do with them? I’m sure she’s not going to say they can’t go because they’ve got a club - I certainly wouldn’t.

Not casual at all. very much being realistic.

Someone of 66 might not be confident driving in London as they live in a rural location most of the time.

It isn't an assumption in this case though, these are grandparents who were literally asked to step in to help.

It wasn't OP's suggestion to come down and have fun taking her grandchildren out for a week, the mother asker her to come down and help with childcare as the parents need to work.

Had you talked to your daughter about these plans? You're annoyed she didn't talk to you about the plans she made.

It seems like just poor communication - she thought she'd asked you to help with childcare, you thought she'd invited you to spend 2 weeks doing holiday activities of your choice with your grandkids.

I agree with pp, she probably thought this would minimise the burden on you. Also, she's naturally focussed on what's best for the kids.

@WAPP As you mentioned 'casual' ageism, you do know that the DVLA asks everyone when they reach 70 to reapply for a licence. Age affects reaction times in driving.

"controlling madam"? She makes sure her children are cared for in a way she thinks is appropriate. She doesn't believe they'd be happy/safe/appropriately cared for in the full time care if their grandparent and with her so far away, and she acts accordingly. Children are not a resource to be gifted to grandparents to enjoy: OP may want a full week alone with her grandchildren, but if they wouldn't enjoy it then it shouldn't happen - they're not toys!

I have a 6 and a 4 year old. They’re not going to be tired after they’ve eaten lunch. Trust me.

Just replan and figure out what you can do in an afternoon.

It’s plenty of time to go to London zoo or aquarium etc.

I think you’ll find it a much more tolerable couple of weeks with it being split into portions for you like this.

I think your daughter is being generous.

"thought of lots of things SHE'D like to do with her grandchildren"..... Maybe mum knows what the children themselves would like to do, and can cope with at their age?? Grandma seems incredibly naive about what the time with them would actually be like.

Not really. She said he’s only 66 so age isn’t an issue, but has he driven in London, because people who drive in London for the first time with a 6 and 4 year old they haven’t had full supervision of before is quite a different experience to driving around in Cumbria.

I’m 36 and wouldn’t choose to be driving around in London.

It’s a fair comment.

If they finish at 12, most 6 and 4 year olds still have plenty of energy left to do activities in the afternoon. More than plenty hahaha.

I agree that she should have probably checked with you, but if you want to take them out for the day one of the days, maybe your DD will allow them to not go to their club that day? They'll probably not miss much if it's just one day here or there.

OP, do you and DH enjoy late mornings by any chance? You talk about wanting calm mornings, and your daughter had offered to do the drop-offs.... I wonder if she's acutely aware that her kids are up and making noise by 6 while you are floating down for a quiet coffee at 9, and has tried to accommodate both needs....

There's nothing controlling about it! She doesn't want her young children several hundred moles away. That's not to say she won't ever.

I completely agree.

I would think it's this.
My mum and dad love the idea of time with the grandkids, but usually just ended up frustrated and tired.

Ditto! The idea is often quite far from the reality, and we don't want the poor kids getting snapped at or feeling "in trouble" when the inevitable frustration happens.

Plus in this instance OP could be called away from WFH either by frustrated grandparents or upset children if it all goes pear-shaped

It's relevant @GrinAndVomit for the reasons you agree with and also because at 70 everyone has to reapply for their driving licence- so ageism is alive and well, within the law.

Some posters like to take offence at anything.

Ha. There was a thread like this a few days ago from a daughters point of view…