Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

I replied to your initial post before I read this last response.
It sounds like you’ve both been reasonable and now I can see both sides.
I can imagine it would hurt to feel that your daughter might doubt your abilities but I wouldn’t imagine that’s the case- sounds like you’ve raised her well after all.
I would think it’s more likely that she just doesn’t want to feel like she’s putting too much pressure on you both.
So it’s more about how she feels about her in self in terms of what’s she’s asking/expecting of you than your capabilities at all.
I’m lucky to also have young grandparents to my children and they’re always up for full on fun days with the children but I have felt guilty in the past if they ‘do too much’ with them but it’s a ‘me’ feeling and nothing to do with their actually capabilities.

All in all it sounds like you’ve both worked this out well and understood each other’s perspective and I’m sure you and the children will have a lovely time and you will all benefit from the quality time you do have together.

I wouldn’t agree with PP that the days out you suggested weren’t suitable for their ages though, so when there is chance I’d definitely take them to Legoland, Chessington, the big zoos etc.
But equally there so much to do and see in London that would be more suitable to an afternoon- some of the big parks (Hyde Park etc) have events/fairs on over the summer so maybe have a little look in advice online.

Exactly.

You say: "the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon."

But, from your daughter's point of view, you're coming up (Cumbria is north of London) to help her survive the long holidays and provide some childcare.

As the mother of children these ages, they certainly won't be tired out by a morning of tennis.

No 4 year old in history has ever wanted to do a tennis club! I think.dge thought you'd find it easier to only do afternoons, could they not do that the first week and not book it for the second so you can do your day trips etc then? I don't think YABU to not want to do club runs all week

Oh if only you'd read the OP properly you wouldn't sound so patronising...
The OP lives in Cumbria, the daughter in London so she is indeed COMING DOWN to help.

This is just a break down in communication. Tell your daughter that you will accept that this is how it is this year but you want a say in things for next year.

Your daughter sounds like a fabulous mother and lovely daughter. It really does sound like she was trying to be helpful and i do think all day is a lot. Thinking of it from your daughter's, your grandkids and your perspective i think half days sound rather nice. I think if you frame it in a positive light you'll have a great time, your grandkids will have quality time (not just quantity or perceived fun things like Legoland) and your daughter will feel supported and happy (sounds like she has a busy life and doing her best)

Your daughter sounds absolutely lovely, organised and considerate.

I don't really think either of you is 'at fault' here, your problem was you both made assumptions. You thought you'd have free range to plan your own day, she thought you'd be on hand all day to babysit when needed.
If it's not what you fancy doing then say no. You dont need to fall out, just say you misunderstood because she wasnt clear. I'm assuming by the fact you mentioned a 60mile trip that they live 30 miles away and you will be 'commuting in' each day.
Not sure I'd fancy that either.

That's sweet that your grandchildren have modest wants - it sounds like they really want to see you and spend quality time with you. All the excitement of Legoland and Chessington etc can wait. It also sounds like your daughter is being considerate. A camp for three hours isn't that much and if they have an early lunch you can be out and about with them again by 1:30 pm. At those ages 2-3 hours together will be full on and probably enough, then home for tea and quiet time. It sounds lovely for everyone.

She should have checked with you, but bloody hell you sound like hard work. If you truly cherish the relationship with the grandchildren, you would love afternoons spent with them (out or quietly at home), without caring whether they fit into your own projected exciting plans. You are still helping your daughter and still having time with children - what more do you want? Did you inform her in advance not to book anything so that you could have full days? Our nanny begs for us to put lessons/camps into the diary so it’s less full on for her!

Absolutely this, carry on this way and she'll be estranged before long and won't be seeing them at all?

Sounds like a big bloody show off as well needing to to theme parks everyday.

Feed the ducks go walking, play card games, bake etc and create some memories that way.
That's what alot of children really want anyway.

One always “goes up to London” and “goes down to the country”, don’t you know?

This full on smarts for me because we make 8 hr round trips to take our kids to see their grandparents for the weekend, and even then it’s for for a couple of half days once we split time between relatives - and vice versa. And we all consider it painful but well worth it.

Your daughter sounds lovely and really considerate. It’s lovely having the thoughts of spending all day with young children going off to theme parks but I suspect you would find the reality far harder that you imagined.

6& 4 are lovely ages but bloody hard work. London is exhausting in itself. You are used to the lakes. Not even a big city- let alone navigating the tube with small children. Last time I had a 7yr old in london I was lifting him up and down escalators. Yes you’re only in your 60s, but the majority of women I know in their 60s would struggle with that amount of physical effort for a week. It sounds like your daughter has saved you from yourself there.

Agree the op is going down rather than up.

Not much use to you, OP, but you and your daughter both sound lovely and I'm glad you've sorted it all out. I hope you have a lovely time with your grandchildren.

This is making me laugh LOL.

Those who live in the north talk about 'those DOWN SOUTH'.

It's only people in the Home Counties who talk about 'going up to town ' (London.)

For the rest of the UK, it's all very much 'down south.'

Actually it’s a railway term apparently. Down lines are away from London, up lines are into London.

Although I think the phrase “being sent down” (to mean being sent home in disgrace from Oxford and/or Cambridge university) possibly pre-dates the railways.

So who knows. 😊

Actually it’s a railway term apparently. Down lines are away from London, up lines are into London.

You're reminding me of the Railway Children.

Are you Jenny Agutter?

@grandmacant you were being over ambitious in your day our plans to be honest.

maybe your daughter knew this and wanted to ‘manage it out’ (I would do this with PIL)

London zoo or chessington are BIG days out and even with older kids (ages 8-10) would be a lot. I’d only do one or at a push two in the same week with quieter days at home in between.

but can see how for your daughter quieter days at home for your kids don’t work with working from home.

i go the office more often in school holidays due to the constant interruptions if my kids are at home!

London and Cumbria are a massive distance for a child (previously) under 4 if they become inconsolable or had an accident so I can kind of understand that. It doesn’t mean they won’t get to stay alone in future when the younger one is of a more appropriate age.

I think you're bonkers. 6 and 4 are REALLY hard work... I'd have been glad of a few hours' reprieve if I were you! You do still have ALL afternoon with them...!

I agree with this.

I think this has rotted it up succinctly.

Not to mention, there are probably other parents and kids jumping at the bit for places at these clubs with limited holiday spaces so it probably really is an all or nothing scenario that they're having to sign up for if they want to keep their spaces.

Making out the daughter to be a little ungrateful madam is awful, it's a set up for failure. She can't do right for wrong.