Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

Glad you have it all sorted.

It's an incredibly big 'ask' though to ask you to cover school holidays when you live 300 miles away!

Is there not another set of grandparents nearby? No family on the Dad's side?

Your daughter is going to have to have some other option lined up in the future because as you get older, doing that journey isn't fun.

There are options of all day holiday clubs.

Presumably she has a big house and provides nice accommodation for you ?

*Chessington, Legoland, London Zoo are huge treats for birthdays and as rewards for end of term, being good, etc.&

That might be the case for your children, but it wasn't for ours! We took our three out to every theme park, zoo, museum, nature reserve, National Trust property (preferably with an adventure playground) within 100 miles of our house, at weekends. In the summer holidays, if I felt like taking them to Chessington, Legoland or Thorpe Park one day, I did it.

I have done regular childcare of DGD from age 9 months, and I found it was a doddle, after three DC, including twins. We looked after both DGC last year for a weekend, aged 2 and 4, while DS went away with DDIL. DS has asked us this year to look after them, aged 3 and 5 for a week, while he and DDIL use some points for a long haul holiday. We have regularly had DGD for sleepovers and will have them both sometime in these summer holidays. I can honestly say that looking after two young children (and we all think DGD has ADHD), is a rest cure, compared to looking after DD1, with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour for the same length of time.

As for the comment about having to plan what to do, if looking after both while out somewhere and one needs to go to the toilet - how patronising? I find as a grandparent, looking after DGC, it seems like only yesterday, I was looking after three DC - things like taking one child out of several to the toilet hasn't changed!

TBH, if a parent asks a grandparent to provide childcare for two weeks in the summer holidays, involving travelling 6 hours to get there, I wouldn't have dreamt of telling grandparents what to do - I'd have left them to get on with it, as they saw fit, seeing as they managed to raise OP to adulthood safely?

I do see OP's DD as controlling, by organising a tennis club every morning for DGC. DH and I both wfh. If I were looking after our DGC for 2 weeks, I'd just take them to the park, or to town for a cake and drink or get a paddling pool out in the garden, whatever to get them out of the house, while he was on Teams meetings. I am able to use my own commonsense!

Sounds like you and your family have a great supportive relationship and are able to sort out misunderstandings really well 😀 Just to add that in the Richmond area I think the best thing for kids that age is the Magic Garden at Hampton Court - sand and water play, treehouses, ice creams etc - it’s got the special treat vibe you want and is genuinely enjoyable for kids that age who may be too young to appreciate Legoland etc - maybe do that as a last day treat one of the weeks? https://www.hrp.org.uk/hampton-court-palace/whats-on/the-magic-garden/#gs.2saob5

Well done op you made it in the mirror 'My daughter asked if I'd babysit for two weeks - but she has strict expectations' - Mirror Online

Do you want a medal?
Driving kids 100 miles on a day trip? You do understand that not all families are as well off as you and simply don't have the cash to do all of those things?

You're not exactly humble!

Second the magic garden! The whole of Hampton Court is fantastic my little ones loved the gardens too with the pyramid bushes, and the wilderness/maze. If your daughter lives in Kew she may have an annual family pass for kew Gardens and the kids area there is great. A row on the river at Richmond. Dukes meadows splash park. Train from Richmond to Waterloo and walk to southbank- can go on carousel, see the entertainers. We used to go to Coral Reef waterworld in Bracknell- 30 mins drive and its a really fun pool. My 6 year old loved the slides. Hobbledown in Epsom. Snakes and ladders soft play in Syon Park if weather is bad (it's expensive and very noisy though). Natural history museum is always a winner.

So if your GC were excited about going to tennis camp you'd make them go where you want to go? How selfish. Why would you stop kids doing something they want to do so you can go to somewhere like Legoland, stuck in the car for the journey, packed park to drag a 4 year old round. Not just one day but multiple times to Legoland/Chessington etc. Why not go and support them at tennis?

Absolutely- my local club offers camps (also 9-12) and the kids love them- it’s not long matches! It’s a lot of games, not necessarily involving rackets/hitting the ball, mixed with some developing practice for the most able. It’s hugely successful.

@MsRosley see my above message/ it won’t be full on tennis matches! Basically child friendly/appropriate games involving tennis practice. Preparing them to play when older. They use special balls.

@LightSpeeds These kids are my grandchildren. They are comparable ages.

@Wenfy its totally reasonable and not ‘insane’ at all- see my above messages!

Then it's your daughter's problem. At 6 and 4, of course they should be allowed to stay at their grandparents for a week! Lots of people would bite your hand off for that sort of childcare over the holidays.

Children aren't all the same. I've got some who have stayed overnight with me, gone on holiday etc since they were babies. I've got a 5 year old GD who is very shy, very timid and would be distraught to be hours away from her mum and dad for a week.

It always amazes me on here that people think because one child is happy to do something then all children should be the same.

I agree. Your idea of holidays sounds like fun to me even now in my middle age 😀

'Kids need to be up and at it'? No, they don't, that's about what the parent needs. Children need down time not constant over-stimulation from activity, social interaction, transition and ferrying around, I mean when do they get to rest and just 'be'. I'm with you on this OP.

The OP wants to take them to theme parks and museums, she isn't advocating time for them to just be, she just wants them to do what she wants not what they want.

I don't think them doing the odd activity while you are there is an issue, I do think them being booked in for so many days isn't ideal, and I think that not even asking you what you were planning to do with the children is a bit unreasonable of them. I hope you can still enjoy some time with your grandchildren.

Ugh, dick move from the Mirror there. (Why do they do this? Remember when their job used to be breaking real news, not rehashing a mumsnet thread?)

I agreed with this!

I have one 5 year old and two sets of parents who live ten minutes away. Neither offer any childcare so I think your daughter is very lucky! I work 25 hours and my husband full time. We have to WFH or take holiday as no other choice!

Your daughter should have informed you. Maybe use it as a reason to come down, plan some things for you to do in London you don’t do at home? Then chill in the afternoon with them! Also you have Wednesday for you to plan something nice in London!

She probably thought she was making life easier for you by booking them into the clubs! Full days with them will be exhausting.

That’s a pretty strange thought. I was dropped off at my grandparents for the entire summer holiday from the age of 4 and they lived in a different country. I think your daughter is being too difficult. You don’t strike me as an incompetent adult who can’t be trusted with two young kids in your own house. The whole situation is a bit odd and sounds like they just want free help with no consideration for your opinion. But I may be coming at it from my own experience growing up in continental Europe where attitudes like this just don’t seem to exist.

Honestly spending the entire summer in a different country from your parents at 4 is the strange one.

I think the daughter is being unreasonable here.
If she expects you to provide two weeks of childcare then I think you should be able to chose how you and the children spend those days.
And if doing this morning club was part of the deal she should have told you that upfront before letting you agree to doing the childcare.

I think she’s being unfair expecting so much from you in terms of your time and travelling but she still wants to control what the children are doing.
You are the grandparents, can’t she just let you have free reign and do what you like
She’s very lucky that she has parents in a position and willing to help in this way.

Actually you don't need to spoil them and plan all these big days out. Just being with you and doing some walks, going to the park, maybe some craft or cooking in the house will be fine or play some games.

Why do people go all out and think they have to arrange expensive and tiring days out.

Tennis will be better for them too. Lots of exercise.
I'd go along with it. You might not end up seeing them at all otherwise.

Plenty of estranged grandparents would just love the opportunity to spend time with the grandkids and wouldn't care less if they doing tennis in the morning.

Your making this all about you.