Daughters expectations for babysitting

[grandmacant]

Hi,
My only daughter and her husband have 2 children, 6 and 4. She asked me a few months ago if over the summer I could/would like to babysit while she and her husband work. I agreed. We live in Cumbria, she lives in London, but decided we would do the first and last week of the holidays. I believe the other 2 weeks will be a juggle (they are away on holiday for the middle two), but son-in-law works from home on Mondays and Fridays, my daughter works from home Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I believe they plan to drop the kids at club in the morning, a friend will pick them up and have them until early afternoon then the work from home parent will juggle work and kids for a couple of hours.
I was under the impression that my husband and I's two weeks would be calm and at our discretion as to what we do with the kids, I'd planned museums, picnics etc.
My daughter messaged me today saying the kids are booked in at a tennis club 9-12 each morning for both the weeks we are down, and we won't have to have them on the Wednesdays as their godparents will pick them up from tennis and take them to theirs to play with their older children.
Now I'm driving 6+ hours to spend afternoons with the grandkids, probably too tired to go out and do anything. I don't enjoy living to a schedule, thats why I retired early!! I told my daughter I wasn't much happy and she said, if the issue is the being up and ready to go early, she/her husband will drop them off before they start work but they would need help for the Wednesday morning. I told her the issue is I'm coming down to spend time with my grandkids and rather than spending time with them I'll be doing club runs and dealing with tired kids in the afternoon. She has replied saying if I am unhappy we can not bother coming down, but the kids want to do the clubs and it will be better for them. I'm not disagreeing the kids doing clubs is great, but why on the weeks I'll be looking after them? Why not consult me??

Wetlands Centre in Barnes
Bikes and a picnic in a different park to their usual haunts
Ravenscourt Park is lovely

It was your daughter trying to be helpful I'm sure, though I can understand why you are disappointed. It does seem like a waste when you are willing and able to have them for whole days - maybe they can miss a day or two? Sounds like you had some lovely days planned.

But if they finish at 12, there is loads of time to be with them! When my daughters were 6 and 4 there was loads you could do with them and half a days is a nice amount of time to go to a park etc. Other days you can be at home with them which is nice too.

It’s hard to know why she didn’t talk to you but I think she thought she was helping. How often do you see the kids? Outings to chessington, legoland etc in school holidays would be pretty intense at that age. I’d still go and just do local outings or spontaneity. This kids won’t be tired. They’ll be raring to go after lunch.

You sound like my mother in law! I was like your daughter, always booking tennis/horseriding lessons when my parents or in laws were looking after the children during holidays. My parents loved the idea and would religiously do the drop off/pick up but I remember my MIL hated it as she didn’t want to have to stick to a schedule, she even decided to make them skip lessons a few times, which created a few tensions…🙄

I'm not really sure what outcome you want here. It seems you want the kids on your Terms, or it's not worth it.

Many people would love to spend this amount of time with their grandchildren.

Assuming you decide its worth the effort to just look.after your grandchildren in the afternoons, I would agree with others. At their age, the local park is just as much fun as legoland. Ducks are as exciting as a zoo. Picnics are better than meals out.

Maybe you will enjoy this time too.

So, what I would like to know. Is she expecting you to do the hard work in the morning and get the kids ready in the morning? I too would be disappointed and I would be annoyed. Everyone saying that you should be pleased she is thinking of you by making plans are mad. Why? Why should you do what she has planned? Whenever I have asked for help from my mum ( which is what this person is asking for) I have consulted her on what she wanted to do. I would never impose on her or my dad. You aren’t paid care. Do what you want within the realms of acceptable safety! Tell her that you thought you were coming to look after and have fun with the children. Not be a tooth brusher, dresser, taxi ride.

I’d agree she should probably have discussed it with you especially if you are travelling a long way to spend time with them. On the plus side at least you’re not my kids Grandma who lives a mile away and hasn’t been round to visit since January ( only sees them if we go round to her - quite happy to drive to see her daughters kids virtually every day though). Families eh - absolute nightmare !

Suggestions around Richmond area:
Hounslow Urban Farm (although I think they may have renamed it)
Kew Gardens may have activities
Hampton Court Palace often have things on, or just the magic garden there

@grandmacant I’m glad it’s worked out. Can I just say that you two have communicated really well about this. This wouldn’t not have been possible with my parents. You sound great.

• would not, damn autocorrect

If you live 6 plus hrs away how often do you see them? Surely it’s worth travelling to see them even if it’s only for the afternoons?

@grandmacant I'm a bit out of date with grown up children but lived in SW London albeit the other side

At 4ish and 6ish mine liked:

Syon House and Kew both of which are likely to have activities but you may need to queue.

The river cruise from Richmond to Westminster is good, you could book the "Eye" and hop back on the tube.

Hampton Court Palace may have bookable activities - tudor stuff, etc, there's also the maze (small) and gardens. Could combine with Bushey Park and icecreams

On v wet afternoons mine loved a "deerhunt". Essentially driving round Richmond Park with the binoculars looking for deer, a picnic in the car, and if the weather clears up, the little playground by Kingston Gate. Could combine this with a little riding session - the stables at the park are good.

From Richmond/Kew the South Ken museums are literally half an hour on the tube and at 4 and 6 they will only want the dinosaurs in the NHM and the experience room in the Basement at the SM and the shop and caff Not far away is Harrods toy dept which might be a separate trip.

Spectrum at Guildford is 40 minutes in the car. Water slides and splashing.

At 4/6 mine also liked bowling (Kingston) and tea out.

It's a shame for th kids as well as for you that they don't get any full days downtime. No slow mornings pottering with family. Mine always benefitted a lot from that.

YANBU. You’re doing her a huge favour, common courtesy would’ve been to discuss with you what would work best for you.

Well I hope your daughter doesn’t read mumsnet or the mirror OP. She has tried her very best to coordinate everything over the holidays so everyone is happy and cared for, only to be slagged off by her own mother on a public forum because she’s taken away your opportunity to show off and be World’s Best Grandma.

I don’t think they’ll be that tired from the few hours- they’re used to preschool/school surely? Yes it’s a different few weeks to what you wanted but give your daughter a break, their lives sound tiring- organise all your trips another time, the summer is long!

It sounds like your daughter has your number OP! My mil was very similar to you and the ‘assistance’ was more trouble than it was worth. It is exhausting enough managing her children but she has to accommodate your wants too - this is not help and I suspect she is well versed in managing your expectations.
I can’t believe people are saying the daughter is controlling- she will be well practised in managing her mum, the back up plan is always needed when the helper is so focussed on themselves and what they want. Your daughter is clearly trying to meet her children’s needs perhaps you can reflect and meet your child’s needs?

@Nimbus9000 thats a very unfair post. The OP was asked to look after her grandchildren whilst the parents work, she agreed, she's thought of lots of things she'd like to do with her grandchildren over the two weeks. Instead she's now being told that ever single day the children will be at 'camps' so she can't do the things she planned with them.

Wanting to have a nice time with your grandchildren that you don't see very often isn't a competition to be 'the worlds best Grandma or showing off.

she doesn't want to travel 6 hours to take them to camps and only see them in the afternoons.

The daughter having asked her parents to look after the children should have asked about booking clubs before doing it or told her mum that was the plan before asking her to look after them.

@Orcadianrythyms

yes, how very controlling of the OP to want to organise her own day when she's providing childcare. How very controlling to want to take her grandchildren out for day trips. Awful.

what a dreadful woman.

Perhaphs YOU can reflect & bring your own issues onto her thread?!

@stayathomer

the children are in London, the OP lives in Cumbria. The children are away 2 weeks and similar plans have been made for the other 2 weeks.

the OP can't just pop over & take the kids out for the day.

she agreed to look after them for those two weeks, assuming, as you would, that she'd be actually allowed to take them
places & do things, not pick them up from clubs to have them a few hours in the afternoon.

I actually agree with this. Sounds like her DD was trying the best to organise things for everyone over summer. Things hadn’t gone the way op expected so she threw her toys out the pram before even discussing it with her DD. When she did raise the issue her DD responded fairly and reasonable and has agreed in future to plan around a few whole days out. Sounds like a lot of drama that could have been a sensible discussion before op got a strop on.

Obviously we can’t know but my guess would be there is a set pattern of behaviour here. Kind of sad when a child is more able to communicate and be reasonable than a parent.

Given how stressful it is to manage childcare over the summer holidays this is would have been just another stressor out on your child. Personally if I was DD I’d be wondering if booking clubs for the 2 weeks would have been easier and less drama.

@grandmacant You may have missed the post yesterday that linked to your thread being picked up by the Daily Express. Your posts are there on their site for anyone to read online.

It would be quite hurtful for your daughter to read it or be alerted to it. And for you too perhaps?

Just so you know and maybe you want to consider having this deleted.

Absolutely agree with all this.

I also wonder OP if you are not as capable as you think you are with the children and rather than hurting your feelings your DD is putting contingencies and boundaries around the time you care for them to minimise issues. I might be wrong but I see some of myself in your DD - my mother is willing but unfortunately not capable of a full day or week of childcare, and in complete denial about it. So I have to organise things so they can spend time together in a way that doesn’t put too much pressure on her, while also trying to frame it positively to her so she doesn’t get upset and defensive. It’s often more effort than it’s worth to be honest.

More like punishments for not doing homework!!

3 hours of tennis for a 4 year old - mad