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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People are announcing my baby’s birth

207 replies

Gotthekeeys · 19/07/2023 22:56

Would this annoy you?

I had a difficult birth and we told our parents they baby was here safely. Before I was even compos mentis MIL had announced it on the wider family WhatsApp group that I am in and included it ended in a c section.

AIBU to be very pissed off?

OP posts:
off · 20/07/2023 00:55

I don't have kids, so I'm missing any experience on that whole side of things. I don't have any opinion on how you "should" feel about it, and my perspective on it is that of someone who's never been in anything like your situation, so it can only really be about a possible viewpoint of the some of the other people in this whole thing.

I don't want to offend with my own perspective, as someone who's never experienced this situation but does have a family… this isn't meant as a comment on anything you might be feeling or would have wanted. It's more about imagining how I might feel as a family member, in the context of my own family situation.

If I had a sister, or even a cousin I was close to, and she had had a difficult labour resulting in (what sounds like) emergency major surgery, and possibly there had also been worries about my niece or nephew's life/health being at risk at some point, but it all turned out okay… well, to be honest being told only after a long delay of many hours or even some days might feel weird. Only finding out much, much later that a serious emergency had been happening for a member (or two) of my family, people I love had potentially been in danger, it had thankfully resolved well and happily, and I'd been oblivious to it all — when a family member knew about it, was in the WhatsApp group, and could have told us all straight away that this had happened but all involved were now doing well — it's… an unfamiliar situation. It might feel strange to look back on a conversation I'd had with the person who knew, in those hours or days afterwards before you shared your news, when they knew you'd been through hell and come out okay, but hadn't told anyone.

I absolutely know that I wouldn't be entitled to that information about somebody's health, but any other situation where a family member had a worrying medical emergency, had surgery and was now doing well etc., it would seem a bit odd to keep the whole thing from family for potentially hours or days, until the person involved chose to share.

But I do realise that giving birth isn't "any other situation", though, that there are big differences emotionally, culturally, relationally, socially, etc., and that people have really strong preferences about things like delaying announcements until they feel ready, choosing when/where/how/to whom they'll share, and so on.

I think maybe in a situation where there had been risk of things going wrong, in your MIL's position I might just feel an urge to share with family as soon as it's reasonable to do so — if not when the emergency is happening, then at least as soon as I know that everything's okay. A rush of relief, perhaps — releasing all that worry by sharing the fantastic news that everyone's okay. The trouble is, that doesn't mesh well with your autonomy, and your right to be the one sharing your big news when you're ready. It's a tough one.

I'm sorry it all feels like it's been taken out of your hands — I hope that the news-sharing was entirely without malice, and your relationship with your MIL isn't badly damaged.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/07/2023 00:59

I'd be pissed. Common courtesy to at least ask though she may have asked your husband "shall I let your brothers and sisters know?" And he was too dazed to even recall that he said yes.
Re the section. It is odd why people call it out in a way that they would (mostly) never say "baby X delivered hale and hearty after a long battle with a pair of forceps" . But it is major surgery and it sets expectations that a) you will be in hospital for a few days and b) will need looking after for a bit so don't all expect a pub meet up on Sunday.
Only you know whether your MIL is thinking of you or is borderline judgemental. Make your own announcement in the way you wanted and with a beautiful pic with a clear request not to share on social media if that's what you want.

Congratulations - try to chill and look after yourself.

DeoForty · 20/07/2023 01:02

I had a similarly shit birth and my MIL had put it on her Facebook before I had the control of my thumbs back again. To be fair, the really important people were told at the same time she was, and our FB circles don't really overlap, so I made a decision to shrug it off. It's a real lack of thought though.

DeoForty · 20/07/2023 01:04

Comment under my MIL post read 'oh, I guess baby's born then' from my BIL wife. As if they hadn't ignored the phone call and text message to tell them so.

Easier to let it go OP. But no, it's not cricket.

ThereIsThat · 20/07/2023 01:08

What does your partner think? I think it was a bit daft not mentioning to her beforehand that you didn't want her to share the news.

I've four kids who are now adults and I honestly can't remember how the baby news was distributed. It seems very unimportant.

Congrats on the new baby.

nokidshere · 20/07/2023 01:10

YABU to be 'very pissed off' because it really doesn't matter. A secret is only a secret if you keep it to yourself. Once you have told another person you lose control over it.

We told my mum exactly because we knew she'd tell everyone else and they wouldn't keep ringing us for news.

Don't spoil what is a happy time with such nonsense.

WandaWonder · 20/07/2023 01:10

Unless a whole pregnancy is a surprise to everyone else what reaction would people be looking for?

Is it some weird instagram new thing?

LadyJ2023 · 20/07/2023 01:13

All 4 of ours grandparents got told and passed it on saves us a job lol. Couldn't care less at the end if the day everyone is just happy because you and baby are now safe

Gotthekeeys · 20/07/2023 01:19

@WandaWonder of course the whole pregnancy wasn’t a surprise but ideally I’d have rathered the c section part was omitted

OP posts:
chellie2021 · 20/07/2023 02:24

Yanbu. The same thing happened to me, people I’d never even had a conversation with before announced my child was born, probably while I was still being stitched up. It still bothers me.

WandaWonder · 20/07/2023 02:46

Gotthekeeys · 20/07/2023 01:19

@WandaWonder of course the whole pregnancy wasn’t a surprise but ideally I’d have rathered the c section part was omitted

I just see it as basic info like sex, weight, name type thing I really don't see an issue

Gotthekeeys · 20/07/2023 02:52

@WandaWonder really? To me, it’s nothing like that.

“baby was born 11th July via forceps”

that must be some new Instagram thing.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 20/07/2023 05:54

I thought it was pretty standard tbh - dad rings both sets of grandparents, and then they spread the word through the extended family.

As a PP said, telling them you had a section is just saying "she had a bit of a tough time so she'll need a bit of gentleness with her recovery". As someone who has had both an EMCS and an ELCS I don't think this is a big deal at all. It's a shame if you do, but I'd try not to be mad at your MIL as she may not realise how you feel and may well categorise it with name and weight type info.

A family WhatsApp group is totally different to social media, this is nothing like the previous examples of photos put on FB before the new parents have had a chance.

drpet49 · 20/07/2023 05:57

purpleboy · 20/07/2023 00:02

This...

How do you even have the time to be offended over this?

This

elbelx · 20/07/2023 06:00

Yes this would upset me - it is your news to share!

GoodVibesHere · 20/07/2023 06:07

I assume you are not Harry & Meghan, or another famous sleb couple, so why the need to keep the birth hush-hush? Be happy that your baby has arrived and that your family are interested.

And there is really no need to be all coy about having a c-section.

Tourmalines · 20/07/2023 06:09

What’s the difference, they would be telling everyone it was CS face to face also .

BluNomad · 20/07/2023 06:12

I doubt anyone is that bothered tbh, it’s nowhere near as exciting to ither people as it is to you. I couldn’t really care less when I read stuff like that on whatsapp groups (family or friends groups) it’s petty & you’ve now got more important things to worry about

bussteward · 20/07/2023 06:14

Tourmalines · 20/07/2023 06:09

What’s the difference, they would be telling everyone it was CS face to face also .

Why would they? Why on earth does anyone need to know OP’s medical situation? Or any mother’s? “She had the baby! Third-degree tear I think, went for the drip in the end to speed up labour, vomited on herself, pooed when she crowned.” No one needs to share details of the birth except the mother.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/07/2023 06:30

Congrats on baby

If you tell gp, unless you did say don't tell anyone we want to, then yes I can understand why they told family

It's family

Same with a cs. Just means you are recovering more , you have a major operation and gonna be more sore , won't be driving etx

saraclara · 20/07/2023 06:31

bussteward · 20/07/2023 06:14

Why would they? Why on earth does anyone need to know OP’s medical situation? Or any mother’s? “She had the baby! Third-degree tear I think, went for the drip in the end to speed up labour, vomited on herself, pooed when she crowned.” No one needs to share details of the birth except the mother.

That a false equivalence.

Saying that someone had a section is simply saying that she has an op. It's just basic information on a family WhatsApp.
It would also be said have to face after the the inevitable question "how are they both?"

I'm not sure why OP is sensitive to that being shared. I can only assume that she's ashamed that a section was needed, but that's an unusual way to feel, so I can understand it not occurring to the MIL.

Billyhero · 20/07/2023 06:33

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saraclara · 20/07/2023 06:37

that must be some new Instagram thing

Now that's just silly @Gotthekeeys
Is nothing to do with Instagram. Let's imagine my birth back in the '50s when we didn't even have a landline. New Grandma sees her neighbour over the fence and tells her about the new arrival

Neighbour: " that's lovely! How are mother and baby?
Grandma "doing well, though it was a caesarian so they won't be home for a few days"

QuinnofHearts · 20/07/2023 06:38

Grow up. It's a family WhatsApp.

Sapphire387 · 20/07/2023 06:41

I'm surprised at the amount of people who think this is ok. It's an overstepping MIL at a time when OP is very vulnerable. It is her and her husband's news to share - WHY would MIL think it is appropriate to share it herself? I get that she is excited but it is not her news to tell. Especially the c-section bit.

OP - YANBU. If you have another baby in the future, I'd ask your husband not to ring her first with the news.

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