To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

[Moonere]

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

@Moonere this makes me wonder if he thinks you took the money because he didn’t understand the concept of it going in savings and being spent later.

I think the other thing that needs to change is your husband quite happily being good cop, whilst it’s up to you to set boundaries.

So can I.

Great-Aunt Mary: "So Jimmy, what nice present did you get yourself with the money I gave you at Christmas?"
Jimmy: "I got stationary in July."

😬

So you do take things off him, and not only that, leave them where he can see but not have.

And you're surprised?

I'm sure Op can talk him out of buying school supplies if that is what he is intending & convince him to treat himself.

I don't think banking money is such a great crime as long as there is access.

I do think it's odd to leave the sweets about if the intention is that he never has them.

With this update, it does sound like you have a habit of taking things off him.

Omg. Honestly I think people are getting a bit carried away. Of course I told him to get something fun. I told him they have all sorts on there. The stationery thing was his suggestion. Believe it or not but he loves nice pens, not really notebooks. I have loads of nice fun pens and the dc have pinched loads off me. They love pens too! 😂Sorry if that's hard to believe! He can buy what he wants when he decides.

😂 Aunt Mary will totally understand once she sees the stash he has!

That sounds awful, don't blame her for not letting her kids have it.

My mother used to take my money 'to keep it safe', in her handbag. When I asked for it she'd remind me of the ice-cream I'd had in town and the bus ride we'd taken. I resented it bitterly but it was never open to discussion. So I hid things from her even in adulthood. Sometimes a child has little that actually is a personal possession so for the parent to take control of it is very alienating.

So yes, you absolutely do have a history of taking his things away from him.

I get that what you have been doing is with the best of intentions, but your teenage son probably now sees it as controlling and he simply wants to take control himself. I understand you but I kind of understand him too. Take a back seat now and let him do things his own way x

Parenting is tough at times. Couple of questions:
what sort of relationship do you have with him normally?
Is he your eldest?
I have a 12 year old son ( youngest of 3) and though he’s quite possessive and unwilling to share his stuff with older siblings, he’s very sweet and generous with me. He will offer to share- which I usually refuse but thank him for offering. When he gets money from relatives he keeps it in his money box; any cheques he gives to me to pay into his account. Perhaps your son feels you are controlling his money? Has there been any misunderstanding in the past?
The reason I ask if he is the eldest is that frankly I am a lot more mellow/ experienced now than I was with son number 1. And also a third child is far more accustomed to sharing.
Either way he is old enough for you to explain how his actions have affected you. Good luck.

My son loves pens, always has since he started high school and he’s up, away at uni and still loves them! I get it!

Op, pay no notice to some of the batshit replies in here. You’re fine. I remember being 11 and saving my pocket money for a pack of scented multicoloured gel pens. Totally unnecessary but I LOVED them 😁 and was the envy of my friends haha!

Needs to go stay with his dad full time for a while to appreciate what he’s got.

I would definitely NOT tell him off. He expressed how he feels. Telling him off for that will only convince him to never express his feelings. You need to understand why he feels that way. Others here have already said that they understand why he would feel and behave that way given the way you handle money, unallowed treats, etc. He seems to feel over-managed, something that he can only avoid by withholding information.

It sounds to me like your son is unable to tell in advance what you will do, simply.
But he seems to positive that, whatever you decide, will be final.

If it was me, I would ask myself if my decisions are really so predictable that my child "should know". If I take money away to save it, what will I do with a voucher? Will I leave it with him? Or will I perhaps think of a way to save that too?
If I see chocolate, will I let it pass, or decide that it is not good for him?
Will it make a difference for me that these things are not a present, but rather a prize for his own effort, for doing well his own things?

He talked over you, drowning your explanations. That is not nice maybe. But you did not open with "that's nice, you can get yourself something nice". You lead with "why did you not tell me?".
You set the priority yourself quite clearly. The main thing was showing you, so you could inspect and decide.
It seems that he simply reacted to that.

I appreciate that there might be good reasons for not having him enjoy certain things he receives and belong to him.
But if there are no criteria he is confident you will stick to, he will have no way to guess from the past what you will decide.

Appreciation of the importance of saving, of not eating too much junk, and so forth, can only be developed when we have a real choice.
Otherwise it is a bit like hoping to teach him how to wash dishes by washing them for him.

He's heard something or seen something that you have done or doing, that has upset him.

Well there's part of your answer. He's twelve and intelligent, it's his money not yours. Allow to make his own decisions.

Sounds like a barrel of laughs in your house OP..

I absolutely agree with this comment from toxic44.
"Sometimes a child has little that actually is a personal possession so for the parent to take control of it is very alienating."

He was a brat. I can't even imagine spray sweets and anybody attempting to give them to me for my children would be rebuffed. I'd just throw them out without discussion and tell them that my children weren't allowed rubbish like that. I can't imagine why you keep them in the house.

I used to regularly discuss my children's bank accounts with them and explain about interest and tax deductions and they did not have unfettered control until they were 18. But buying stationery as a treat seems very odd indeed - that was my job.

I also pay for my offsprings' dental hygienist's visits - she is lovely but she has made them overhaul their dental regimes. I can't even begin to imagine what she would say about spray sweets. Just ask yourself, do you think Prince George is currrently spraying his teeth with tooth rotting sugar?

Rude?! He’s a person not a robot. He’s telling her there’s an issue, she needs to try and understand it, but punish him, otherwise he’ll stop communicating at all.
Op - it’s not a nice thing to hear, but there’s a chance here to hear him, and respond to him, don’t react in a way that shuts him down.