To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

[Moonere]

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

I would talk to him about what he said before you get too upset.
He could have just been in a bad mood and wanted to take it out on you. You could be reading into something that isn’t there. If he is upset about the spray lollies being taken away google what is in them and what it does to your body. Just remember you are his parent and sometimes you have to make decisions he won’t like.

It does hurt though. Kids don’t realise little things they say can really hurt and stay with you. I bought tickets for something for my kids but for separate times. So one parent would take one kid so they could have one on one time with one parent. Both kids wanted to go with their dad. I was devastated, but let the kids do as they wanted to. They got to feel special having one on one time with their dad.

I have never done it again, when they ask to go to see something I can never bring myself to book it. You must be tempted to buy a box of chocolates and tell him you don’t want to share with him.

I had a chat with him last night. We had a lovely chat. I explained I was hurt and sorry if he thought I had stolen things in the past. I explained about money / sweets etc. He was fine totally understood the reasoning behind it as he already knows this anyway. He apologized and said it was a crap thing to say. I told him it would be nice for him to buy something from Amazon for himself as DH has said the same. He agreed and said he could buy some new stationery for next year.

I don't know what these sprays are but surely at 12 he could buy his own if he wanted to? I wouldn't ban them but speak to him about how they are bad for his health and his teeth. Why are you keeping them rather than throwing them away if you don't let your kids have them? Maybe a tactful word with the neighbour or just let the odd treat go. They aren't going to kill him and maybe as he gets older he will take the health message on board.

I think you need to start letting him handle his own money. Lots of accounts these days have a dedicated kids card like Go Henry etc etc. As soon as mine were at secondary (years ago) they got cards to access their own money and they learnt how to budget and control their spending. Putting it way so he can't touch it is unfair at his age.

Great outcome, OP. Worth remembering sometimes teens don't even know why they say the things they say, their emotions get a bit haywire as puberty approaches.

Oh God-the update has made me come back to say that 12 year olds shouldn't be buying their own school stationery!

That’s brilliant what a great outcome.

no need for going wild or the rest of it.

A discussion often has far more impact. So glad you resolved it

I think it depends. I bought the basics for the kids. Not the cheapest but what they needed if they wanted expensive things like smiggle stationary, they would buy bits to add to what I had bought.

My 12 year old has a bank account we put money on it for his lunches etc so he used it loads. I hope you really praised him for his award that’s amazing well done to him. I would’ve been hurt too if my child behaved like that but I also don’t tolerate rudeness or meanness so I would have said so at the time if you felt he was being off for no reason.

parents are allowed to say no, even to 12 year olds. If my son bought those sprays with his own money I would be annoyed. For an occasional treat yes but they’d know the score with them and why I don’t allow it. I think the you can’t have but you can choose something else is pretty fair op. I also don’t bank their b day or Christmas money, or they’d have nothing from family as they just get cash these days. It’s in their accounts. They are pretty tight my 12 yo about what they spend it on. Although my 13 year old would spend his on burgers if he could. Glad you’ve had a chat and sorted it out. Joy of parenting, I’m on sons 3 and 4 (elder 2 are 22&18) so will v so grey by the time these 2 are those ages.

this, to be honest I think managing his money and treats is controlling.

Yes, I thought that too. I hoping he wants multi coloured post it notes or neon coloured highlighters rather than basic school stuff. (Which is what my DD spent a fortune on in Year 8). If he's really thinking basic school stuff, I hope OP tells him he should be buying something "fun".

Stationary?

Surely you supply his school supplies? Can he not use it for something for himself as a treat, he won it for hard work - he shouldn't be spending it on pens for more work.

I don’t think it’s him that needs to be sorry personally I think it’s you and that it should be a learning curve for you to stop being so controlling. He’s not going to loose all his teeth with the odd sweet and from experience things my parents withheld I just gorged on as a teen/adult because there had been so much control over it as a child. I now have a huge treat cupboard at home and my kids have free range too and they are rarely in it and never greedy because it’s not a novelty to them or something they can’t control. Same with money it taught me nothing about saving but more I had to spend it before somebody took it away. When my kids get money they get the money to spend because when I gift a child money it’s certainly not so their parent can fritter it into a bank account for adulthood.
also I hope this poor kid was told his parents would by his stationery and to gift himself something fun

Totally understandable why he reacted as he did. He’s clearly annoyed you’ve take away treats or money.

Re; sprays or money I think he is past the age that you can take it away without causing resentment.

With money - it’s his to do as he wants. His choice it he wants to put into bank.

re: neighbour - either speak to her and ask her to get chocolate instead; I’d tell her you don’t allow them or just suck it up and let him have whatever it is.

'fritter it into a bank account'?!

But that isn't much of a treat... wouldn't you buy him that anyway?

Why would you allow a 12 year old to essentially spray sugar all over their teeth? (I appreciate if he does it behind her back so be it, but I wouldn't be going along with it if I knew)

You can't get NHS dentists for love nor money!

Those things sound appalling and should be banned

Exactly. Stationery that parents should be buying anyway? Miserable.

He's 12, he knows the bday money he hasn't spent is in the bank and that you only take really junky sweets away due to health concerns. He's chafing at your rules and making your DH the golden parent to get at you.

He'll be regretting giving away that Amazon voucher to prove a point once he's calmed down!

Why have you got them on the kitchen counter? Either let the kids have them or bin them.

Then have a word with your neighbour.

He's 12 and you're his Mum - this phase does last a while and you have to TRY not take it personally. My youngest was horrible to me from the ages of about 11, but he's nearly 20 and he's nice again now!! I would just tell him how he made me feel when he would say nasty things, but you just have to ride it unfortunately.

Stationary isn’t a treat for him. Something is very wrong if he thinks that’s what he’s expected to buy.

Some stationery is a treat.
I actually had a discussion with my 14 year old about it last night as he loves stationery like I do. We were talking about his love for fancy pens and my habit of keeping nice notebooks because writing in them would ruin them if the contents wasn’t worthy.
I buy his basic stationery but he uses his own money for unnecessary stuff.

New stationary?

I don't know why, and maybe I'm being harsh, but I just feel your parenting is quite strict and he's trying to please you. In his heart if hearts, if he could spend the money on anything at all, do you really think he wants stationary?

I know you have good intent OP, but I wonder if he feels a bit stifled and controlled and a need to please you?

I love a notepad too. However if you read OPs tone and the back story to this thread there is something quite concerning here and she can't even see it.
OP YET AGAIN has decided on what her son can buy, it's her in control and in charge does this high school boy not have the right to have freedom to choose his own things?