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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me

259 replies

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:36

I don't know if I am just being unreasonably emotional here but DS came home today. He told me he got an award for science. I said well done, im so proud of you and did he get a certificate? He said yes it's in his bag.
I went to have a look and found a box of chocolates. I asked him where he got these and he said oh yeah I got that too but dont want to share with you. Fair enough.

His dad then walked in about ten minutes later and I showed him the certificate. He said similar to me. DS then said oh and I got an Amazon voucher too. I said why didn't you mention that before., That's great you can buy something for yourself. I didn't even finish off what I was saying and talked over me saying he never said anything because I would take it for myself. I said of course I wouldn't and kept saying I would and then gave it to his dad telling him he can have it. At this point I was just so hurt and upset that he would hide things from me because he feels id take it from him. I have NEVER taken anything from the dc. He has nothing to back this up. I try my best with them. I know I'm not a perfect mum but does he really think so low of me? am just so upset.

Aibu ?
yes - get a grip
No - that's a really hurtful thing to say

OP posts:
PowerBMI · 19/07/2023 20:56

Newbutoldfather · 19/07/2023 20:23

@PowerBMI ,

well I also have two teen boys, and raise you spending most of my year with hundreds of teens (I am a teacher).

As I said young teens (I find year 9 the worst, but around then) realise they are not small children and have the power to hurt adults, and they find that quite exciting and want to test it out. By the end of Year 9, they generally seem a lot more settled and able to see the trade off between power and responsibility.

It is just a phase but one which needs to be handled carefully. Schools do this by having a clear sanction policy and a management structure that children can appeal to, as well as liaising with parents.

In the home there also has to be clear (enforced) boundaries and both parents on the same page (within reason). Accusing a parent of being a thief crosses a lot of lines; it is designed to be hurtful and is totally rude and disrespectful.

If the OP’s son feels he is being unfairly treated with respect to ‘treats’ (I wouldn’t let my children have that stuff either) and not enough say over his money, there is a way to raise it without false accusations.

He needs to be parented, not pandered to…

You are teacher to those kids not their parents.

I am actually confused by a teacher who deals with teens that believes all their actions can be so easily dismissed as ‘making stuff up to hurt someone’. For someone who has so much experience with teens you haven’t figured out they are quite complex, all have different motivating factors, different things going on.

The fact that you dismiss anything but ‘he is making it up and it has no basis in any facts because I say so’ is a huge red flag for a teacher. If a student confided in you that they feel a certain way about something at home, do you jump to ‘you are wrong and saying it to be mean to your parents’.

Yes, schools have clear rules. They don’t (and can’t) cater to every individuals need. Which is why it’s not like parenting at all. But in schools if a child does something they shouldn’t or hurts someone, the school will try and find out why and what’s going on with that child and work to resolve it. They deal with the situation in a calm manner, possible punishment but still aim to fully resolve it.

Again, I find myself asking you where did I say this shouldn’t be dealt with? Where did I say Op should pander to him? Where did I say op couldn’t assert her boundaries and tell him it’s not ok?

Going wild at a child isn’t ok. Handing out petty punishments without working to resolve the problem isn’t ok. That crosses alot of lines. And again, I will remind you, I wasn’t talking to the Op I was talking to people who were saying how they would handle it, by losing their shit, refusing to provide the child with things, disengaging with the child as punishment etc. Which I disagreed with.

As a teacher would you be ok with a parent telling you they will going wild at their kids or disengaging with their child until their child has feelings they agree with it?

a 12 year old is a child. They aren’t emotionally mature. They deal with things in ways they shouldn’t. It’s a parents job to continually teach their children how to deal with these thing. Assuming that their feelings are not valid and just putting it down to ‘they are lying as an excuse to lash out’ isn’t teaching them how to deal with it. It’s teaching them that people don’t want to hear them and will assume they are lying and making things up just to be mean. And if they are lying just to lash out, then that’s clearly an issue there’s something bothering them which shouldn’t be dismissed as ‘they are wrong. They just want to be hurtful’

You want a 12 year old to rationally, calmly explain their feelings 100% of the time? for someone who deals with so many teens your expectations are way off.

I completely disagree with on how you view this. You disagree with me. And that’s really ok. Doesn’t make your posts more valid.

piedbeauty · 19/07/2023 21:10

CurlewKate · 19/07/2023 17:44

Did I miss how old he is?

It's in the thread title. Did you miss it?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/07/2023 21:11

I was also a teacher of secondary for a loooooong time. I completely disagree with that statement. What happens in Year 9 is hormones and growing up.

l always found 12 and 13 year olds great. Really entertaining and on it.

Zanatdy · 19/07/2023 21:17

Nothing wrong with putting money aside for them, wait till they get to Uni and been given minimum loan as parents earn too much and he will be grateful for the money aside

laveritable · 19/07/2023 21:21

YANBU! I have kids in their 20s, it will get worst as the grow older! NIP IT IN THE BUD!

BurbageBrook · 19/07/2023 21:22

I think kids should be able to spend their birthday money on whatever they want, unless we are talking huge amounts. It's intended as a present and they should get to choose how to spend it, . Equally, at 12, he's too old to be taking his treats and it also seems a bit mean or thoughtless to leave them on the counter staring at him! So his comments came from a fairly reasonable place IMO...

Newbutoldfather · 19/07/2023 21:24

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow ,

Me too, the two statements are not contradictory.

As you correctly said, hormones and growing up.

I enjoy teaching them (although I prefer the later years for choice) but do also find them the most challenging.

I have a view, some don’t agree with me (although the silent majority do), but now the stupid ad hominem attacks are starting. No, I am not at work. No, this isn’t a safeguarding issue.

I have said what I want to say and i am out.

Orangewinegum8481 · 19/07/2023 21:28

howboutdah · 19/07/2023 18:09

I knew there would be truth to this, you have clearly been over controlling. You have taken away money and put it away rather than let him spend it on something he wants and taken treats away.

He won a voucher and treats, of course he thinks you would try and control if. I think you're very selfish to make this a sob story about yourself rather than take responsibility that this is a direct consequence of being controlling. You should gain insight and change now because this is the kind of behaviour where adult children want nothing to do with a parent.

This.Exactly this.

Dappy55 · 19/07/2023 21:41

I can understand you taking those horrible sprays off him.but explain why. My son has just started to come out of the other side and actually said that he was glad I hadn't let him get fat as he is so much fitter than some of the others.

FlissyPaps · 19/07/2023 22:00

Hummingbird89 · 19/07/2023 17:49

I would tell him off for this. It’s really rude. Agree with a PP, have a conversation and don’t let him off the hook until he gives you some examples.

Christ Almighty 🙄

waterst · 19/07/2023 22:14

Newbutoldfather · 19/07/2023 18:47

@Blossomtoes ,

Obviously it depends how much money, but what sensible parent would allow a 12 year old full freedom with their money?

Ever heard of in-app purchases?!

Unless the child somehow has thousands in their bank account, I don't understand what parent wouldn't allow a 12yo freedom with their money.

12yo DD gets £25 pocket money a month, and maybe a bit more from family at xmas/birthday. She has a card and it's up to her how she uses it - we want her to learn the value of money and how to budget before it actually matters.

FreeRider · 19/07/2023 22:21

I remember my parents being livid that I spent the £100 my grandmother had given me for my 18th birthday on a day out shopping/lunch/etc for me and my best friend (who was born on the same day as me, so it was a double celebration). We had a great day, I bought records and clothes I'd had my eye on for ages, and bought my two brothers and my parents small presents as well. But nope, you would have thought I'd taken a thousand pounds out and burnt it by the way my parents acted. Totally ruined my birthday....

When we were younger my mother also used to take any Christmas/Birthday money we were given off us and 'put it in a bank account'... we never saw that money again. We didn't get pocket money either - in fact my mother was livid when my grandmother found out and asked why we didn't - so that £100 was the first 'real' money I'd got my hands on. My parents were very wealthy, they just didn't see children as needing any money for themselves.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 19/07/2023 22:23

@FreeRider I feel so sorry for 18 year old you 😞

BillaBongGirl · 19/07/2023 22:44

CurlewKate · 19/07/2023 18:46

"That wasn’t true was it? A small child isn’t going to comprehend that mummy took their money and it’s in an invisible account…they are just going to remember handing you their money."

He's 12.

I was alluding to his memories of the past ten years. He’s had an entire childhood of every bit of gift money taken off him and put in an “account” he has no access to and no proof it even exists. This is going to affect his world view and opinion of his mother.

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2023 22:52

Obviously it depends how much money, but what sensible parent would allow a 12 year old full freedom with their money?

One who wants them to learn how to manage money and handle it sensibly. How can they learn if they never have any money? If I discovered money I gave a child was taken away I’d stop and give them vouchers instead.

BillaBongGirl · 19/07/2023 22:53

no way does a 12 year old get unfettered access to a bank account!!

My DC did. These were their own accounts that we put their pocket money in. They then could spend or save as they decided to. We were merely advisory and nonjudgemental. How can you teach a child the value of money or how to handle money, or how to navigate online banking if you don’t let them actually manage a bit of their money?

EsmeSusanOgg · 19/07/2023 22:57

Moonere · 19/07/2023 17:44

Money - I have always collected it and put in bank accounts separate for each child. But as they grew older they have a choice to keep or put away.
For treats, they sometimes have received ones that they're not allowed to have so with those I give them a choice to buy something for themselves on the next shop.

This is likely what he is refering to OP. I think you need to stop taking money/ other things away unless massively (like x-rated type) inappropriate if he has been given/ won something. He is 12.

EsmeSusanOgg · 19/07/2023 22:59

To note, I had my first bank account at 8. And had my first account with direct access around 12 (when they started with solo/ electron cards - back in the 90s!)

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2023 23:23

BadNomad · 19/07/2023 19:19

Think a lot of posters are missing the fact he spends most of the money he receives now, he is given the option, OP doesn’t put it straight into the bank account.

But is he free to spend it on whatever he likes? Or does he need approval?

I think, to a degree, spending should be discussed. It does sometimes need to be explained (again and again with some) that if you spend x on various crap sweets then you won't have enough when you want to buy a game. Or if you want to buy a game, then there's nothing left when you want to go to the arcades

Then let them choose.
That's very different from saying - here's your account. Spend what you like.

BillaBongGirl · 19/07/2023 23:28

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2023 23:23

I think, to a degree, spending should be discussed. It does sometimes need to be explained (again and again with some) that if you spend x on various crap sweets then you won't have enough when you want to buy a game. Or if you want to buy a game, then there's nothing left when you want to go to the arcades

Then let them choose.
That's very different from saying - here's your account. Spend what you like.

For mine, at age 12, it was advise if asked otherwise we’d not interject any unsolicited advice. I suppose if a child is introduced to money later, you might have to cover the basics such as money is finite at an older age. Mine pretty much got the fact that once it’s spent it’s gone unless you can return for a refund by age 8-9 or so.

off · 19/07/2023 23:30

This is a bit tangential, sorry, but am I alone in not seeing what's so uniquely horrendous about the (revolting-sounding) spray candy, compared to 95% of the other stuff on sweet shop shelves? Apparently the lurid ones in this picture contain:

  • Glucose syrup, a simple sugar that a lot of sweets contain instead of/in addition to sucrose — you kind of need sugars to qualify as a sweet so not seeing a big deal here
  • Water
  • Acids: citric acid (like in lemons/oranges), malic acid (like in apples)
  • Flavourings, not specified but again, loads of sweets contain all kinds of food-safe flavourings, so you'd end up having to ban most of the sweet shop to avoid these, as well as masses of other foods too
  • Preservative: potassium sorbate, not as far as I know been found to have any negative effects in doses a human could feasibly ingest, and turns up in all kinds of everyday things like yoghurts and dried fruit

The only additives I'm aware of where there's plausible concern about hyperactivity, to the point of adding label warnings, is a couple of very specific artificial colours. And it seems like one of the benefits of spray sweets is that the product itself doesn't need colouring. Any hyper behaviour you're seeing is probably the novelty of the thing, or psychosomatic, so you can just be clear that acting "hyper" is unacceptable. Even if you're a believer in sugar highs, why would sugar dissolved in water behave any differently to sugar dissolved in spit?

Re: teeth, if you're spraying repeatedly and keeping your mouth permanently sugar-coated for hours (I don't know how long the bottles last), it seems equivalent to a packet of any hard sweet which takes time to suck on — so, not fantastic, but not out of the ordinary either, as far as sweets are concerned. And at least the sugar swills away quickly when you stop, rather than getting wedged in crevices for hours like toffees or crisps.

The hypothesised gateway to vaping is an interesting idea, but without any actual evidence, it doesn't seem much more convincing than hypothesising that sucking the sherbet up the liquorice in a sherbet fountain (which, incidentally, I was recently irked to find has not been possible for many years, as they removed the bloody hole down the middle!) is a stepping stone to snorting coke, or sucking lollipops or drinking pop through a straw is a gateway to smoking.

I mean, spray candy seems kind of revolting to me as a 30-something woman — like buying ready-sucked lollipop spit, because using your own saliva as a solvent and putting in all that tongue work is so twentieth century. (Plus they seem like an environmental over-packaging nightmare zone, and ridiculously overpriced for what they are.) But we had all kinds of stupid sweets when I was a kid where the main draw was the ridiculous delivery method — ring-pops, push-pops, whistle lollipops, UFOs, sherbet fountains, Pez, and God knows what else. Generally you tried them once or twice, realised that they didn't actually taste that great or cost way more than they were worth, and didn't bother again.

It's true that the sprays are obviously pretty much a nutritional void barring calories, offering only naked energy with a bit of added flavour to enhance their appeal. But that's most sweets, isn't it? I suppose if it's the flavourings/preservatives that bother you, you could buy only chocolate, or organic artisanal naturally-flavoured naturally-coloured preservative-free cruelty-free gluten-free fairtrade gummies, or certain traditional sweets, or other carefully-selected items, and ban everything else (and check the labels on every packet in your weekly shop, too), but it doesn't sound like OP is doing mass bans of anything containing flavourings or preservatives — pretty much just the spray candy stuff?

To be really hurt by what ds12 said to me
off · 19/07/2023 23:43

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

Sparkleshine21 · 19/07/2023 23:43

I think he’s way out of line talking to you like that, but also on the flip side when I started school aged 11 we had a sweet shop directly
across from school that was always mobbed with kids and you could buy any sweets you wanted, I think 12 is too old to be policing what he eats.

Sparkleshine21 · 19/07/2023 23:43

This was in the 2000s btw

off · 19/07/2023 23:46

<sigh> I have no idea why MN is objecting to my post. The second time, I even went through and censored every reference to "sucking" (lollipops, mostly). And one instance of "stupid". No joy. Perhaps I tripped the verbosity detector Hmm