Talk to me if you are an only child or only have one child....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Feel utterly emotionally drained. Am 46....one DS...wonderful. He is 12. Long story short we started trying for no 2 when he was 4. 4 miscarriages later including one on IVF and we kind of had to accept it wasn't meant to be and I'll never forgive myself for not trying sooner but...
AIBU to feel like I've failed DS. He asked the other day can he give a sibling and ut brought it all back....
So talk to me if you are an only child OR have only one child. Don't hold back .... pros and cons . I need balanced perspective. Thank you !

Mine’s an only teen and very happy. Health reasons (me) made us stop at her but it’s been a great fit for all of us.
We got a dog when she was 11, he’s my baby and her brother.
I’d be confused at a 12 year old suddenly asking for a sibling. Surely he should realise re reproduction that a 46 yr old woman is highly unlikely to have a baby. If he looks at a lot of celeb social media (surrogacy/donated eggs) it might be confusing him, maybe good to talk about it.
I’ve always been open with mine.

We both come from big families, but our DS11 is an only - not through choice.
He'd love a sibling, but knows that it wasn't possible for us, and I work hard at facilitating his social life - he's outgoing and popular and has a wide circle of friends, plus he's very close to cousins on either side of the family, part of the family really. So he's an only but not a lonely.

This summer I'm trialling a childcare swap with another family who's only DS is the same age and friends. I take their lad for two days a week when I WFH and they take mine the days that mum WFH. It's working great so far, they are company for each other. And they get space from each other too, which is also healthy.

We live in an Irish farming community so it's likely that the boys he's friends with now will be living locally as adults, and be his friends then too. It's common around here to live in family clusters. The houses on our lane are all people DH went to school with so that's likely what DS will have too.

I know I've pushed myself out there more to befriend and host playdates and sleepovers far more than I would have if he'd had siblings but it's worth it.

I think it's easy to romanticise what sibling relationships will be like. You imagine them being BFFs, playing together, being there for each other when you're gone....

My friend's got two with a five year age gap. They fight all the time, and they struggle to find activities they both enjoy for day trips and holidays.

I have a sibling and they made my teenage years utterly miserable. I often wished I was an only child.

I can only think of three people who are actually close to their siblings as adults. Mostly they live miles apart and only see each other at Christmas.

I’m an only, I have two (who get on very well) and my DH is one of three (who don’t - he says quite openly he wishes he had been an only child). So my main message is this: there is no such thing as the perfect set up or the right way to have a family. Circumstances rule - and you need to make the best of what you have; revel in the positives (for only children, that’s usually more time and money) and try to mitigate the negatives.

I never minded being an only child growing up; I’ve found it a lot more challenging as an adult - no wider family to share in my own children and sole responsibility for one very difficult elderly parent. But then again, my DH doesn’t get on with his siblings and finds them pretty useless helping with his elderly parents, so there are no guarantees. Similarly, while one of the undoubted highlights of motherhood for me has been watching the relationship between my DC evolve and grow, I know I’m very lucky that they get on; one of my friends spends a good chunk of her time refereeing between her two who constantly bicker to the point that they suck any joy out of anything. So - on balance - yes, if finances aren’t an issue and you have a sibling that you love dearly, then that probably is the best option. But you can’t guarantee either of those!

I am an only child and have an only child by choice, I honestly can't imagine what a sibling would bring to her life. I never wanted a brother or sister either. Dd is a happy, friendly, confident, loving child.

How can you tell someone that is seeking therapy that it is an OTT reaction?
Are you saying she should pretend she doesn't feel that way? Or just belittling her emotions?
It's quite a big deal to feel alone and that you have no family either the same age or younger, it would worry me too.

I'm an only child, but my parents are both from big families (they're both one of six) and my DH is one of five.

I love being an only child - obviously I have nothing to compare it to, but neither my parents or DH are close to their siblings. In fact, all DH's siblings live within five minutes of us and he hasn't seen any of them since last year

My mum rings her older sister every couple of months, the other she hasn't had proper contact with in over a decade and her brothers are all dead. My dad speaks to his older sister on Facebook but has no relationship with any of the others. There's never been a falling out, they're just not close and have nothing in common other than the same parents.

Your DS may like the idea of a playmate or sibling but there's no guarantee they'd get on or even like each other.

Thank you. It is difficult.

I'm only 36 but I've started thinking about things such as planning my own funeral as I will have nobody else to do it. In fact, I am considering a straight to the crematorium type thing (no service) as there will be no family to attend. It feels very sad. In a way I feel like my life is already over. 🙁

I don't know what to do with my possessions either. I think I may start getting rid of them (or at least not acquiring any more) as there will be nobody to clear my things out and I don't want to leave a big mess behind.

I'll also have to start looking at appointing a solicitor to sort out my estate, I guess. It feels like a lot to be thinking about at a relatively young age, but it's necessary. Facing your own mortality like this is difficult. I think it has sent me into a bit of a depression to be honest.

I have a DS who is 3 and he will probably be an only. I've had 2 miscarriages after him including one at 20 weeks and severe preeclampsia with my son and the late miscarriage so it could be too dangerous to try again. He's only very young but has never asked or seemed curious about wanting a sibling. This could change. I have a younger brother and we aren't close. My DH is one of three and doesn't speak to his siblings. No fall out but they aren't close.

Feeling a bit anxious isn't OTT, but I do think it's extreme to say it's terrifying.

Maybe, although I do think about it from morning to night. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke this morning, and I was shaking with fear before I even got up. 😕

I really do think it's important that you look into counselling, you shouldn't have to live like this. Am I right that you have a partner? Can you talk to them about how you're feeling?

I think you are right. Yes, I do have a partner, although the relationship is only a few months old. I think he is 'my person' though, so that is good. 😊

I do hope that counselling would help. I know I am not the only person in this situation who feels like this though. For example:

You haven’t failed your son. None of this was your choice or your fault. It’s was simply the hand your family was dealt.

I can offer a difference perspective, maybe. I was an only child, again not by choice, because my mum suffered repeated miscarriages. Then, surprisingly, she had a pregnancy that stuck. My sibling was born when I was 10, in year 5.

It’s a big age gap. In many way we were both only children living under the same roof. We have always been at massively different life stages. It’s very difficult to be close in those circumstances. I don’t really remember him being a teen because I’d moved out by then and we didn’t really speak or see each other.

As adults were physically and emotionally quite distant. Maybe because he’s male 😉 but I wonder if things would have been different if we’d been closer in age. I mean, we don’t even share the same family memories because he didn’t exist for most of my childhood. We were born in totally different decades!

This is a long winded way of saying that, if you could wave a magic wand and give your child a sibling tomorrow, it wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows. Sibling relationships aren’t a guarantee of love and companionship even when born close together. I love my brother but it’s not a typical sibling relationship by any means.

@Thinkbiglittleone You aren't properly understanding what I am saying - it's guaranteed that an only child will be left to deal with everything. With siblings, there's more variety of possible experience. We aren't really disagreeing but it's not rubbish to say that dealing with aging parents may be difficult if there's just one of you.

I am an only and have an adult only.

Pros - we are very close

She grew up to be very independent and mature

My life got back to normal quicker

Less stress than friends

More money

You can take one child to most places

Those are the first ones I've thought of.

Cons
Can't think of any

💐

were a one and done family. Don’t regret it for a moment. We have more time and money for one child. We can give him all the activities he wants.

we took years to have DS so just so pleased to have him

With one exception all the only children I have ever known have been lovely, well balanced people.
Sadly the exception is my late father, but his lack of siblings was never the issue.

AIBU to feel like I've failed DS. He asked the other day can he give a sibling and ut brought it all back....
So talk to me if you are an only child OR have only one child. Don't hold back .... pros and cons . I need balanced perspective. Thank you !

At 46 , there really isn’t much you can do about it now so I’m not sure what the point of all the angst is. FWIW, DS, also an only child, has never asked about brothers or sisters. He did, however, ask about grandparents as most of his friends had grandparents. Both sets were gone by the time he was 4 so there wasn’t much we could do about that! In much the same way as there’s not much you can do about having another child.

I have a couple of friends, both the youngest of 3, who became their mother’s carers after their fathers died. They do everything, the others do nothing! They have to cope with both the responsibility and resentment towards their lazy uncaring siblings!

I don't think it's offensive in the least. You have to do what's right for you but OP should be able to express her feelings around her family and fertility without being sneered at. She's opening up about her recurrent miscarriages, give her a break.

I'm an only and I remember at 12 absolutely longing and aching for a sibling. It's an emotional age and we can't always get what we want.

It's much easier to facilitate the activities and needs of a single child. You can offer them different support and opportunities. When I became pregnant with my second the opportunists and plans that were curbed by it really hit me.

I'm an only child. I'm outgoing, make friends easily, happy with my own company. I'm inventive, can entertain myself and can play chess, cards and even monopoly on my own!!
Only negative... I can't share, it's not the fact that others may have more than me, but that I may end up with more than others. To fix it we even count out smarties!

I am a happy parent to a happy only child. I sometimes wonder why we’re all encouraged to come down on one side of the fence or the other - surely we all know that having a child isn’t always a choice we can make, and that every family environment is different and complex

it reminds me a bit of the child free/ parenting discourse, where people without children are made to feel lesser than/ selfish/ odd. Not by any person in particular, but by the culture at large. It seems like flawed logic to me - eg no doubt parents frequently feel like they have to be selfless for their kids, but that doesn’t mean that non parents spend their time being selfish.

likewise, people see the benefits of having a sibling and think that people without siblings have the opposite, negative experience - being a sibling helps you share, so onlies are selfish. But it’s not as simple as that.

op, it’s natural to have to take time to grieve the child/ren you hoped to have. Good luck on your journey.

Dear God, I am not disagreeing with either of you. I know this happens. And from my own recent lived experience, it is also bloody hard work being literally the only one who deals with a depressed and difficult (though much loved) mother approaching her end, that's all.