Talk to me if you are an only child or only have one child....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Feel utterly emotionally drained. Am 46....one DS...wonderful. He is 12. Long story short we started trying for no 2 when he was 4. 4 miscarriages later including one on IVF and we kind of had to accept it wasn't meant to be and I'll never forgive myself for not trying sooner but...
AIBU to feel like I've failed DS. He asked the other day can he give a sibling and ut brought it all back....
So talk to me if you are an only child OR have only one child. Don't hold back .... pros and cons . I need balanced perspective. Thank you !

Be more like Bill, Windercar.

I was an only child and I have an only child. It's more than fine! I prefer it. There are many things we can do as a three which we couldn't do as a 4, not just for financial reasons. I haven't asked if he wants a sibling though, in the same way I haven't asked if he thinks we should get a pet giraffe.

I have one DS who is now 18. We knew quite early he would be an only child and so we ensured he mixed with other children as soon as possible.

He’s a quiet lad but has a lovely friendship group sone of whom he’s had since primary school.

I don’t feel fit one minute we failed him. We gave him the best childhood we could. He's had lovely fun packed holidays 2/3 times a year where he’s had no problem making friends. We probably couldn’t have done that with more children

I’m an only child.

I think the best thing you can do for your child is model healthy relationships with your husband and friends. That will give him the confidence to build his own networks and family. My mother who I love to bits sadly did neither for me and I now have a lot of building and unlearning to do!

I have an only by choice. My sibling made my life a living hell growing up and I wouldn’t want to risk inflicting that on a child.

My mother is 1 of 4 and doesn’t speak to any of her siblings. Father is 1 of 2 and they speak occasionally on the phone but years go by without them meeting although they live in the same town.

My experiences of siblings hasn’t made me view them as a blessing.

I was a single child until I was 15 and DS is a single child, I didn't want a sibling, neither does DS who is in his 40's now. We talk about these things and he just says, why would I want a brother or sister.

I'm a sibling with an only child. I am leaning towards stopping at one. Growing up as a sibling I often dreamt of being an only child as my best friend who was one seemed so much closer to her mum and had what appeared to be a much better life style. As an adult I appreciate that you only ever see what people want you to see and it's not as straight forward as have 1 kid and have a load of money to enjoy. It's more complicated than that but I know I can offer my child so much more just having 1.

As a sibling I loved that we could always play together at primary age but really that stopped come secondary as we formed strong friendship groups. We used to argue about stupid things and there were a lot of times I felt neglected. I love seeing my siblings and their families but we are not particularly close knit so having a sibling does not guarantee a close relationship. My wants and needs were overlooked for ease such as sibling started a hobby but I wanted to do a different one. To make it easier I was convinced to do the same hobby.

Children don't realise that another sibling means less time, attention and money until reality hits. Whilst having siblings can be great being a solo child can also have huge benefits

I’m an only child…

pro: no family dramas or siblings to clash with (I see lot of people with this)

my children enjoy there grandparents

not so much from my own childhood but my children’s friends who are only children do a lot more things than we do!

cons: on the flip side I’m envious of close siblings and big families.

no one around who would have known me as a child once my parents have gone (bar a friend I have known since 4 yo)

people yakking on about being only children being spoilt and selfish. Zzz 🥱 I was the opposite and ended up being a doormat with people! hopefully this mentality is dying out seeing as one child is much more common

Yes to both - I’m an only with an only.
Lovely childhood, lots of friends including one who lived just up the road who, although not an only child, had brothers 5-6 years older than her so at age 18, they went to uni & understandably didn’t really fancy hanging round with a 12 year old. I’m sure I must have gone through a phase of asking for a sibling but to be honest, I can’t remember doing so. The main thing I’ve personally had to work on is the default fall-back of being a bit self centred which is probably a natural consequence really, but, with some self awareness and a bit of thought, I’ve learned it’s not always all about me. DH, with 3 siblings, on the other hand… 🤔

I know I’ll have to go the extra mile to make sure DD learns some of the life skills which probably come automatically with a sibling but I’m OK with that. Half of my NCT group are ‘one and done’ which really surprised me, and I think a lot of people are actively choosing to have one child, not least because of all of the uncertainly in the world at the moment.

Similar to a PP, a sibling guarantees nothing. My dad looked after my granny in her old age virtually single handed LT because my aunt lived abroad. My friends have very mixed relationships with siblings, some are close & hugely supportive, others barely have any relationship.

And my personal experience? I’ve really only noticed a bit of prejudice towards being an only child once I got past my mid-20’s. Before that, no one really cares or gives a shit, it seems to only be when people think about starting a family of their own (2 kids of course…) that it draws out the unsolicited opinions

This seems to me absolutely key. (I mean to all parent-child relationships, not just involving only children.)

I’m the eldest of a large family, and none of us enjoyed our overcrowded childhood with no individual attention or enough space, money or resources. I have one child by choice, and none of my siblings have children.

I'm an only child and have had a very happy and successful life. I have a wonderful circle of chosen friends from school and college who have been the cohort I've grown up with, so in some ways have had more community than I might have done if I'd relied more on siblings for it. The only thing I would say is that when my parents were aging, I would have loved someone else in the family to help me handle the load - but then again, who's to say that a sibling would have stepped up?

I wanted a sibling. My sibling and I fought and as adults have a civil birthday and Christmas card relationship.

A sibling is not a gift. Children don't get to make adult decisions.

DD6 asks for a sibling. She loves playing with other children and is sociable, kind, thoughtful, good at sharing.... As soon as she spends an extended amount of time with a younger relative she wants her own space again. Then goes back to saying she wants a sibling. She doesnt want a sibling, she just thinks she does because she has an idea of what it will be like when the reality is very different.

DH wants 1 child, I want 1 or 3 because as one of 2 kids with the standard 2 year age gap, it was crap. Best friends or fighting, there was no middle ground.

Sticking at 1 because everyone is happy now.

Would negative points really help though? I was an only child, didn't like it at all and had 2 children as I didn't want my child to also be an only. DP has many siblings and can't imagine even having only one brother or sister.

On the other hand, you have all these posters who loved being an only child. A huge part of me not liking it was that I wasn't particularly wanted, and so spent summers, etc. with different childcare providers or on holidays tailored to adults (e.g. hiking while friends went to beaches, Disneyland, or even just fun kid-friendly activities at home). I only got to play at home if I did so by myself. There are other reasons, some specific and some not so much, but overall if you're giving your DS the attention and care he deserves, that's more than enough, no need to be concerned over him not having siblings. 🙂

There are negatives and positives to both but from your OP, your current situation sounds great!

I am the only child and grandchild! Lots of love from older relatives and much attention.Sometimes I would have liked a sibling ,but I honestly feel thats life! A child who is loved and cared for will thrive whether one or two or more!

it’s not about you and your situation is different. Claiming you are offended because OP has implied YOU have failed your child is OTT. She only mentioned her feelings about herself

No her post is not about me I get that. But the major (and only) implication of the post is that you have failed your child if they are an only, is it not? The post isn’t ‘I am sad I’ve only had one child when I wanted two’ which is understandable but it’s ‘I’m worried I’ve failed my child by only having one’

I’m sick of threads where parents of onlies are expected to ‘defend’ themselves by listing all the ways their choice is ok and that their child will not be traumatised. There’s been about 3 this week already and this attitude towards both only children and parents of them is not ok.

@Brk I’m sorry you don’t (politely) challenge things that are offensive. If we all lived like that then nothing would ever change in society would it.

We’ve got an only by choice. He gets lots of attention and DH and I take him away separately as well as family holidays. Another bonus is more time with his grandparents (he has one cousin who lives in a different town).
He describes himself as a nerd, doesn’t have lots of friends but he’s very confident and comfortable in his own skin.
I know at least one second child whose parents wouldn’t have tried again if that pregnancy hadn’t “stuck”. It’s probably more common than we know.

I think there is something to this. At your sons age now, they wouldnt be siblings as such, more like two children remembering two childhoods.

I'm an only child. Loved it growing up. Never wanted a sibling. Still love my own space as an adult (autistic as well).
It did suck a bit and was pretty stressful when my parents died, especially the second one as I had to deal with everything myself. But I got through it. You just have to. Having a sibling in that scenario wouldn't have guaranteed an easy ride anyway. Dealing with illness and death is never pain free. But I could make the decisions without anyone arguing. What did help was once I was a responsible adult my parents preparing me for those final things (illness and death) and getting all paperwork easily accessible and that I was well aware where it all was for when it happened. I don't feel lonely now as an adult. I don't feel like I've missed out by not having a sibling. Everyone is different though and obviously some people would have hated my life.

There was a topic on this very subject last week, the OP was Londoner if you want to look it up.

I'm an only and so are both my parents - so a lot of onliness here!

I have 4 DDs, but no.4 is ALOT younger than her 3 sisters (who are v close in age) so is like an only.

Having had 3 DCs close in age and 1 like an only, and me being an only, i feel i have a good perspective on it all.

Total honesty:

I had a happy childhood, lots of friends but played alone for hours happily and I learned reliance on myself and as an adult i am good at being alone without company in the house. (DH isn't good at this, he's the youngest of 4)

However - now my mother is in her 80s i wish i had someone to share the burden with. Also, i see my older 3 (in their 20s now) reminiscing about their happy childhood and i wish i had that life long connection with someone else.

My DD number 4 has a personality not very suited to playing alone, as mine is, and she talks about having a younger sibling often and pesters for me and DH to play with her a lot.

One pro is that we've been able to afford more for DD4 than we did for her siblings as paying for 3 to do something is so different than 1.

My older 3 girls are still very close, but DH hardly speaks to his siblings (all in their 40s now) but they are there for each other if needs be, y'know? I don't have that.

But it is what it is! You've given your son life, OP. And he'll be happy.
At the end of the day, I don't know anyone who would say they'd rather not exist than be an only!

Speak for yourself, I don't find it offensive in the slightest. Somebody who wanted a second child and has suffered losses is bound to feel quite differently to me who never wanted another.

OK. I hated being an only child. I tell you this not to make you feel bad about things you can't change but because it may be helpful to consider those you can.
I hated it because our family events seemed lifeless and dull by comparison to friends with other children in the house. If I was the parent of an only child I'd be working hard to build networks of extended family if possible, friends if not, to mitigate.
I hated knowing I was the centre of my parents world. Every thing I did was just so important. I longed to occasionally slip under the radar. If I had an only child I'd try to show I had other interests outside of them, and give them space.
I hated it because in the 70s it was just so unusual. I felt different and weird. This has sorted itself now as it's much more common.
I hated the fact that when my parents aged and became ill, it was all on me, practically and emotionally. No one understood or shared my burden and eventual grief. Again, helping to build strong lifelong networks of family and friends could help. As could sensible pre planning for your future care.
On the plus side, I had the huge advantage of being the only call on my parents time and resources, so the help I recieved with childcare and pretty much anything else they could offer was more than compensation for the above.

I am an only and I've never wished I had a sibling. At one point I thought it might be nice to have someone to help as DM was getting older but then I looked at DH and his utter dickhead of a brother and realised having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean you'll get on.

I'm an only child, my Mum was older and I caused some medical complications for her so she had to have a hysterectomy a few years after I was born which, obviously, meant no more babies (even though she'd have loved them). I LOVE being an only child, although I didn't for a few years in my teens. I had a pretty peripatetic upbringing due to my Dad's job and when I was a teen I was convinced that if I had a sister my life would be 10,000x better. It was more teen angst than anything that instead of channelling into an eating disorder or hating my parents, I decided that a sister would have fixed all my problems. I think back on that now as so strange because I don't feel like that at all and haven't done since I was about 16.

My life is so much nicer (more parental time and energy and attention, more money spent on me which meant I could pursue 2 degrees without debt, nicer holidays, nicer schools, more inheritance, less arguing about how to care for parents as they get older). It's neat and tidy being an only child, is how I always describe it. Even the best sibling dynamics get complicated as an adult, with siblings seeing unfairness in things or differences of opinion when hard things happen.

I also think being an only child with a good relationship with your parents is an incredibly special dynamic that I don't see replicated among families with siblings (including my own now I'm a parent!) - it's a very close, secure bond that I find hard to describe, but I feel that it was the absolute best way I could have grown up. There's nothing quite like that trio.

Mine would have been an only but her sister was a wine-related oops baby!

I'm an only. Always wanted a sibling but don't feel as though I missed out, if anything I was probably overly spoiled, took friends on holiday, days out etc. I'm now an adult with a child or my own and will 100% try and have a second because as an adult I long for a sibling. I also know it's not guaranteed siblings will get a long, but I'm willing to risk that