Talk to me if you are an only child or only have one child....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Feel utterly emotionally drained. Am 46....one DS...wonderful. He is 12. Long story short we started trying for no 2 when he was 4. 4 miscarriages later including one on IVF and we kind of had to accept it wasn't meant to be and I'll never forgive myself for not trying sooner but...
AIBU to feel like I've failed DS. He asked the other day can he give a sibling and ut brought it all back....
So talk to me if you are an only child OR have only one child. Don't hold back .... pros and cons . I need balanced perspective. Thank you !

I'm an only child of a Mum who was herself an only child, and I have just the one child myself. Mum (now 92) actually had a half-brother but as both were born out of wedlock, a great social sin/disgrace in the 1930's - both children were adopted spearately and Mum was brought up as an 'only'.

Mum only had me and was divorced very acrimoniously from my late Dad when I was still in infants' school, so a sibling for me was never on the cards.Dad remarried and had a diughter by his second wife but my half-sister and I were brought up separately, in different households at opposite ends of the country, so to all practical intents and purposes I'm an 'only' as that's what I was brought up as.

I fell pregnant by accident wwhen I was 35 after having been told by a female GP that there was no sense in my continuing to use contraception as I was too old to get pregnant - my daughter was born when I was just turned 36 !! My ex and I hadn't originally inrended tio have chldren at all, but I sailed through my pregnancy despite my 'advanced age'. I would then have liked to have had a sibling for her but my ex was out of work at the time and refused point-blank to stay at home to look after two babies; I had a steady job in the civil service so had to return to work as soon as my maternity leave ended because we needed my salary to pay the mortgage & bills.

I was sterilised when I was 41 and daughter was 5 because we couldn't afford to raise a second child and I was having problems with the contraceptive method used, so that ruled a second child out altogether. I then had a hysterectomy when I was 51 ( last-ditch attempt to cure the horrendous PMS I'd suffered from sonce puberty), Daughter is now approaching age 32 with no children and no plans for children in the forseeable future - but realises that her advanced age (ie over 25) isn't in itself a bar to pregnancy should she decide in the next few years she wants to have a child and make me a granny.

I'm an only child who is also raising only child DS who is now 15. I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Things are so much simpler for us compared to families with more than one child, and I say that sincerely. I have an incredibly close relationship with my parents, and my son is bonded to us in really similar, very special way, even as a tricky teen. You absolutely haven't let your son down at all.

I think it's clearly a complex issue, but ultimately, I do think that people who have a happy relationship with their siblings into adulthood have the best family set up and chance of support with some of life's tricker things to navigate.

If I had another life and could choose that for myself (rather than being an only child) I 100 percent would.

As an example, I have an aunty (not a blood relation) who has 3 sisters. They are like a force to be reckoned with. They will always have each other. One of them (who is single and doesn't have kids) recently got cancer and the others rallied round and looked after her. What a comfort it must be to have that sort of safety net. I desperately wish I had that for myself.

We aren't really disagreeing but it's not rubbish to say that dealing with aging parents may be difficult if there's just one of you

@VeryQuaintIrene I never said it was rubbish to say dealing with an aging parent alone is rubbish. I said it's rubbish to say having a sibling stops this from happening, as in most case it doesn't.

I am sorry about how you have been feeling. I hope this isn’t being patronising but if you want children, at 36 it may very well still be a possibility, assuming your partner wants them too? I appreciate you might not be ready to do that for a while given it’s a new relationship but most women who TTC at 37-38 are successful. I do know it’s not always easy as we dealt with 4 years of infertility before we had our daughter.

Not patronising at all! The thought has definitely crossed my mind, however I am not sure that becoming older parents would be right in our situation. We are both only children, therefore I feel as though we'd just be transferring our lack of family onto the next generation to deal with. Our child would have no cousins, aunties, uncles etc. I'd feel under a lot of pressure to have two children so that they would at least have each other, and at my age, that may be difficult. I don't think my partner is all that keen to have kids either, although I suspect he may go along with it if I was desperate to.

I’m an only child and it doesn’t bother me at all.

I have vague memories of wanting a sibling when I was much younger, but now I really like being an only child.

Many people I know have difficult sibling relationships - DH isn’t close with his sisters, and a couple of my friends are pretty much NC with their siblings.

Like anything in life it’s a lottery and there’s no guarantee that your DS would’ve had a perfect relationship with a sibling.

The only thing I ever worry about is looking after my mum when she gets older (I’m NC with my dad) and having nobody to share that with, but then again, even if I had a sibling there’s no guarantee they’d be supportive anyway.

The only thing I ever worry about is looking after my mum when she gets older (I’m NC with my dad) and having nobody to share that with, but then again, even if I had a sibling there’s no guarantee they’d be supportive anyway.

That's the thing @Work2live in many familes, no matter how big they are, it falls to one mainly to shoulder it anyway. There's loads of us but not one other than me can/would take DM if she needed home care. It's all going to fall to me anyway.

One and done here and it’s great.

I place no stock in the idea of needing a sibling when the shit hits the fan.
My sibling was less than useless when my dad got sick and died.
DH is one of four, two of whom live on the other side of the world. The other struggles with life and lives with their elderly parents who support them. It’s a huge worry for DH, who’s going to look after them when his parents die?

I was an only child. I thought it was great and never desired a sibling. I think even as much as your DS may think he would like a sibling, I think the abstract idea is very different to reality. My 10 year old often asks me if I'll have another. She has a 5 year old brother (she was excited for him too). But now she'd like another sibling because actually she finds this one to be really annoying and would like a newer model who she hopes won't be so irritating.

I have six siblings and only one child and she's a planned only. I chose to have only one for many reasons but growing up with 6 sibs definitely played a hand in my choice!

You haven't failed your son. There is absolutely no guarantee he would have gotten on with any siblings he had - they might have HATED eachother. Growing up with siblings can be great, but it can be dreadful too!

My daughter is 15 now and very happy to be an only. Fostering and nurturing lots of friendships with other kids is important, but a sibling is most definitely not a requirement for a happy life. I sometimes wish I had been an only!

Out of curiosity did you dislike your childhood? I have always liked my own space and that would have been hellish for me.

It was... Chaotic. My siblings and I were all born as close together as humanly possible so we were as close in age as 7 siblings can be, with me slap bang in the middle.

There were times it was great and times I was ready to commit war crimes just to get my own space. I have lots of aunties and cousins too so there would often be 20+ kids in the house at any given time while my mam and her sisters hung out and cooked and did whatever they do.

I was never lonely, but I was also never ever alone. For an introvert it was hell at times. I definitely wished for a smaller family a lot in my early teen years. But I was grateful for them all later when I had my daughter and never had a shortage of hands to help with her. It had pros and cons!

@VeridicalVagabond Thanks for the insight.

Why take offence? You chose not to have another. OP wanted another and tried very hard to have one. Can't you see that the emotions around that will be overwhelming at times? She lost 4 babies FFS. This post is not even remotely about you.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I'm also very sorry for your losses. I am on only child, and happily so. When I was little I did ask for a sibling, but it was in the same way I asked for a dog and a hamster. You don't miss you never had. In many ways I think being an only one was good. I was very close to my parents, my Dad in particular. I'm happy with my own company (a good thing now I'm getting divorced!)

There are pluses and minuses on both sides. Your DS is not missing out. Many siblings can't stand each other!

I have one sibling who I hated from the age of about 7 (although DM swears we were close when we were little!) and have next to no contact with now. I don't feel I 'gained' anything by having a sibling and would definitely have been happier without them bullying me in my own home.

DD is an only, I was 34 when I had her and it took me such a long time to get over her (horrific) birth that I felt I was too old by the time I was 'ready' to try for another. No regrets now, DD is 14, has been recently diagnosed with autism and with hindsight I think she would have struggled massively with a sibling.

She's requiring a huge amount of input now puberty is in full swing and frankly I'm not sure I would have coped with two, I'm drained as it is! She had moments of wanting/asking for a sibling when she was younger but if you asked her now she would say she's glad she didn't have one.

I was a pretty unhappy only child, but I think that was at least in part to do with parenting.

I’m in no way a parenting expert but my tips to the parents of only children based on my own experience would be:

1. You’re a parent, and you still have to live the life of a parent. Don’t try to live the life of a childfree adult with a child in it.
2. Make a big effort to help your child relate to other children their age and keep up with the cultural touchpoints of their generation - games, TV programmes, sports, etc. Don’t isolate them.
3. Following on from my first point, make sure your holidays are child-friendly - being dragged around on what were basically adults’ holidays and roaming around looking for a girl of roughly my age I could beg to play with me was just awful.
4. This one’s really hard to articulate, but don’t ‘gang up’ with your child’s other parent against them. In houses with more than one child, there’s a power dynamic where the children can unite together to ask for things. Remember that they’re just a child and there’s only one of them.
5. This one’s really hard. But try not to be too anxious about them. It can be really suffocating for the child.

I only have one, I had hyperemesis with her and wouldn’t have been able to function being pregnant whilst caring for her also. She has asked for a sibling in the past but she understands why it won’t happen, and I remind her that she gets treated and holidays more because we can afford to only having one. She also gets more one on one attention. I had a sibling growing up and we hated each other, I wish I had been an only child! You haven’t failed DS at all.

@CaptainJackSparrow85 this us excellent insight thank you - particularly the last point ! Well noted x

I only have the one, sadly miscarried twins when she was aged 6. She’s 11 now and doesn’t really ask for a sibling anymore. She seems happy and well adjusted and doesn’t seem to have missed out on anything.

Currently a bit of a wreck as she’s leaving primary school tomorrow (I’m sad she’s my only one and so this is an ending).

I could try for another (I’m 38 so there’s a chance it might happen) but we have a great lifestyle with there just being the 3 of us that I’m not sure I want to rock the boat.

I would also say that the thing I find most difficult about being an only child as an adult mind sound quite weird - but it’s the knowledge that once my parents are gone, I’ll have no link at all to my past. I’ll grieve for my parents alone with no one else who shared that grief or knows what it was like to be their child. I’ll have no one who shares any memories of that time and no one I can check anything about the past with.

Thank you ... many similar posts about siblings not getting on. I do think reading all the posts that this is more an issue for Me as I long for another child.....and coming to terms with reality Is heartbreaking ....cried most of yesterday reading replies but it was also cathartic I guess.....thanks for tye really positive views and reality x

*might sound quite weird

Exactly! This is (or will be) a huge struggle for me as an only child. Absolutely dreading it.