Talk to me if you are an only child or only have one child....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Feel utterly emotionally drained. Am 46....one DS...wonderful. He is 12. Long story short we started trying for no 2 when he was 4. 4 miscarriages later including one on IVF and we kind of had to accept it wasn't meant to be and I'll never forgive myself for not trying sooner but...
AIBU to feel like I've failed DS. He asked the other day can he give a sibling and ut brought it all back....
So talk to me if you are an only child OR have only one child. Don't hold back .... pros and cons . I need balanced perspective. Thank you !

Husband and I are only children and have one child. To be honest I never thought anything of it (suppose it’s my norm) until I joined mumsnet where it gets mentioned quite a bit.

I frequent the stately home Threads and the number of people who have nightmare/abusive siblings it would seem to me not worth taking the risk.

my child has never heard me mention brothers and sisters and we never allude to the fact that she’s an only , also didn’t try or want another so that will have shaped the conversation in our house (ie never talked about) whereas you did.

Because I haven't been fortunate enough to have children myself so now face a future in which I will have no family at all (once my parents die). It's terrifying. I just want that sense of connection / belonging which most people have.

I feel that with no family, I will be very vulnerable the older I get. It causes me huge anxiety. I'm actually on the verge of seeking counselling or therapy for it.😞

That's a very OTT reaction.

That means your child has no cousins or aunts or uncles too. Do you not think they may feel lonely in the future? What if they do not have children themselves? They may reach a point where they literally have no family left.

I appreciate that it isn't always possible to have more than one child though and that siblings don't necessarily support one another.

Just thinking out loud really.

I'm an only, with an only by choice. The one thing with being an only is you get to choose your family but you can't sit around hoping it will happen, you have to work at friendships because they don't necessarily have the extra give and take that family does just because it's there.
The friends I have who've known me a long time are very precious to me in the way siblings might be. But siblings are never a guarantee of friends, if you're lucky you get on amazingly, if you're not they are individuals you tolerate for the sake of your parents. My son is very happy without siblings, he sees how much he benefits from being an only.

My five year old DD asks for a sister (she loves babies) and I tell her we would have less money and she'd have to listen to a crying baby to which she usually laughs. I don't feel like I'm failing her at all but I guess I'm not emotional about it like you are because I only have one child by choice. I can't really add anything that others haven't already said. There's tons of great points on this post and I hope you take them on board OP.

Why? Are you in that position yourself? If you are, I would love some advice on how to worry less.

I had a fantastic childhood as an only child, plenty of friends, never felt lonely and had both parents attention - there was never a split.

The only con has appeared in adult life, my dad died when I was 24 and everything is on me with my mum. For that reason, I have decided I would like 2 children.

Of course you can't guarantee that both would share the burden, or that they would be close, but that is what I have personally decided.

Of course, I may only end up being able to have the 1 and if that's the case, I know DS would have a fantastic childhood as an only.

I really would reccomend therapy for these feelings. I know a lot of people and honestly, the majority of them rely emotionallly on friends way more than siblings anyway. You will be okay! ❤️

Just to add, I was also an only child not by choice.

I have an only child for the same reasons OP. When he was a similar age he expressed some distress at being an only - probably partly because of covid and he was worried about something happening to dh and I. I was also feeling sad about the situation as he got older and didn’t need me as much any more.

However, he is 15 now and I can honestly say that we are all really happy and feelings have completely changed. He is doing much more with his friends which makes a difference

I have one DS so not exactly. But I've got no idea where his life will take him, he might move away so I'm not going to count on him being around to look after me! I'm an only child and have little extended family, I'm NC with my dad and his side so I only have my mum and one grandfather who is still alive. I do not have a partner either so when DS leaves home I'll be living alone.

If something is causing you anxiety to the point you think you need counselling then surely you know it's an extreme reaction.

I have a brother but I'm much closer to my best friend 🤷‍♀️

My dad and his brother haven't spoken in 20 years. My mum's brother lives abroad. My grandfather was one of 8 children and they all either had massive falling outs and didn't speak or lived abroad from each other.

My own daughter is an only and is super happy with that. She has a wide circle of friends and her best friend is constantly at our house anyway.

@IAmAnIdiot123 Thank you. It is causing me an awful lot of anxiety at the moment.

I'm not an only child but my DH is. Similar situation to yours, his mum and dad would've loved to have more but it didn't happen and there were multiple losses before and after DHs (premature) birth. He really doesn't seem to mind being an only child and is a lovely, kind, generous person. He's much better at sharing than me!

He's been absorbed into my (huge) extended family and we have two DC (only one is his bio DC, if that matters).

One negative I would say is that he just doesn't get the complexities of sibling relationships - he doesn't understand how I'd do anything for some of my siblings and can't stand others. I also think he finds the sheer size and scope of my family exhausting but to be fair, so would most people! I have 11 siblings, 30 plus nieces and nephews and 10 plus great nieces and nephews. I was an aunt before I was born and a great auntie before I was 30 so it's a lot!

Yeah, you are definitely right that you cannot rely on children to care for you in old age (although I am sure plenty do).

It just feels scary to know that there will be absolutely nobody looking out for you in any way though.

You are right - I probably should seek help to process my thoughts around this.

@Windercar - there's nothing offensive about her post at all! Not everyone feels the same certainty about having one child.

OP - i have one child and DC periodically asks for a sibling - they're 12 - and it's hard. But it didn't happen, it is what it is and there are worst things.

FWIW, once you are through menopause, this will fail to be such an emotional subject for you - at least this is my experience. The door will be shut, as it were and the hormone landscape changes.

Wow....I'm only half way through all the posts so far - and feel overwhelmed reading them. Thank you all for being so lovely and pointing out what are undoubtedly positives in terms of attention, money, etc. The irony is I waited to try again due to money worries at the time! I best myself up about that. Thanks also to the lovely posters who defended me. I know there is no right or wrong choice here. It is very clear to Me reading these posts that I have to get to terms with this and its probably more of a loss to me than my DS...to be fair he has only ever mentioned it once .... I think the posters that pointed out I should go for counselling- I think you may be right. I'm not even talking to my husband about it as he is happy! Losts to digest...thanks so far x

Because I haven't been fortunate enough to have children myself so now face a future in which I will have no family at all (once my parents die). It's terrifying. I just want that sense of connection / belonging which most people have.

I feel that with no family, I will be very vulnerable the older I get. It causes me huge anxiety. I'm actually on the verge of seeking counselling or therapy for it.😞

I do hope you are ok, I think counselling or therapy is a good things if this is how your are feeling.

Have you made any long term relationships at all ?

Sadly though I do think it easy to say "if I had...... my situation would be better" but the reality is, that is not always the case, you could have had a sibling and still be lonely, you could have children and still be lonely in later life. These things are not a guarantee of company or support.

I have a prospective that you have not asked for. I am one of four siblings and tragically two of my siblings have died and the other one estranged us all before then anyway. So, well, having three siblings didn’t serve me so well in my 50s anyway.

As to myself, I was unable to have children, I always thought I would have a few like my mother did, but as I got older I thought one would do. That didn’t happen either, but if I had been able to produce that one child, I would have done my very best for him / her as a solo, that is all I wanted in the end.

You need to just tell your son that you are 46 and your child bearing days are over and to shut up.

You need to just tell your son that you are 46 and your child bearing days are over and to shut up

In the OPs child defence he has only mentioned it once in 12 years

I'm the eldest of 4 and the only girl (me,my brother and then twins)

But,I grew up as an only child (I lived with my grandad)

It was awesome-i got one to one attention,didn't have to share,had my own large bedroom (I got the shitty box room when I had to move back to my parents when he died)and I could watch what I wanted on the tv etc

I've grown up into a good person,who can share and compromise etc

My siblings?

If they died tomorrow it wouldn't bother me at all-im nc with the lot of them

I have a friend who is 'one and done'

She can give so much more to her dd-mentally,physically and financially

her dd (who is awesome) would have liked siblings when she was younger,but it's not a big deal to her now-she tells me that I'm her sister (I'm more like a mad aunt) and the dog is her brother

She's happy and well adjusted-that's all that matters

Thank you.

I haven't really got any long term relationships in my life, or maybe I do, but not enough and they aren't people I see regularly enough either. I'm not really sure why. I'm not a terrible person to be around or anything (I don't think 😂) and the people I do know all seem to really like me. I am sure I could make more friends.

I’m an only child!
I was desperate for a sibling when I was younger but as I’ve grown older I’ve started to see the benefits of not having one!
I had my mum and dad to myself, we’re so close as a three now and I can’t imagine having someone else sharing that bond. It also meant that my parents would provide for me much more than they could with a sibling. I’m so grateful for everything they’ve done and I’m very aware that it would be different if they had to match the support for another child too. I do see sibling relationships sometimes and think it would be nice to have that but honestly as an adult I’m glad it’s just me!

Your post resonates with me - I have one child, and in trying for a second have had multiple miscarriages and a baby who died shortly after birth, and am now looking to decide whether to try again. Quite simply it is what it is, siblings do not guarantee happiness, and I think a higher proportion of children nowadays are only children than previously. Wishing you all the best.