Talk to me if you are an only child or only have one child....

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Feel utterly emotionally drained. Am 46....one DS...wonderful. He is 12. Long story short we started trying for no 2 when he was 4. 4 miscarriages later including one on IVF and we kind of had to accept it wasn't meant to be and I'll never forgive myself for not trying sooner but...
AIBU to feel like I've failed DS. He asked the other day can he give a sibling and ut brought it all back....
So talk to me if you are an only child OR have only one child. Don't hold back .... pros and cons . I need balanced perspective. Thank you !

@5128gap - <waves> i was a 70s/80s only child and yes it was quite unusual!

I agree with most of your post, although i wouldn't say i hated my childhood. I very much agree with the pressure of being an only with regards to having all your parents hopes and expectations on your shoulders ALL the bloody time. I did rebel quite hard in my teens ...

I still feel trapped by that sense of being The One even though my dad has passed away and mum is 80+. When i got divorced from 1st husband it was more about 'What will the neighbours say?!' than 'Are you ok Laiste?'. But maybe that's probably more about my mother's personality than my onliness ... it's hard to know though.

Wrt family networks, i agree it's a good idea in principal, but i had no aunts or uncles or cousins so was properly alone. Lots of families are very spread out these days. The best thing you can do is teach the child self reliance and yes, get your stuff in order for your old age and don't make the child feel it's their duty to look after you or stay near by forever. Like my mother does 🙄

Sorry if i've derailed OP x

I’m an only, married to an only. Had a brilliant childhood, loads of friends to play with taught me self reliance / confidence etc. (also a belief I only have myself to rely on, which could be seen as a negative).

as an adult, with elderly parents it would be nice to have someone to share the load with. I’m also not that close to my parents now so again it would be nice to have someone else to help. Other than that I don’t mind at all not having siblings.

However, as I’m married to an only and am currently teetering on the it to have kids or not edge - it does seem quite cruel to bring a child into such a small family. But then neither myself or husband were close to our cousins so 🤷‍♀️

You haven’t failed him. But you’ll fail yourself if you keep punishing yourself about it. What’s the point inviting cons of having an only child, when you’re 46, your child is 12, and realistically there is nothing you can do about it? It’ll just be the usual bingo card anyway “give them a sibling, “magical bond”, “when you’re old and need care” etc. etc.

I have one 13 year old. I'm 44. He did go through a phase of wanting a sibling and we would have gone for another early on if I hadn't had PND and we had any money at the time! However, within the last 3 years, he's changed his tune as I said when the sibling is old enough to enjoy, he'll be 16/17.
We felt a bit like we failed him but, equally, I don't have a good relationship with my brother and my husband doesn't get on with his siblings either.
However, he's always been great at sharing (no fear of having his things snatched and having to hoard them!) and at kids clubs, parties, holidays, he's right in there making mates. Some kids with siblings just stick to themselves and don't socialise as well I've noticed.
We have friends with kids his age and he can now bring mates on family holidays with him rather than having to build a holiday around a younger sibling.

You tell your DS (as I had to tell my DD) that you would have loved to be able to provide a sibling, but unfortunately for medical reasons you have been unable to do so.

I have an only. I didn't want any children at all but was persuaded to continue the pregnancy by my ex-husband. She's 20 now. Confident, kind, funny, brave, loads & loads of mates, does well in her job, clever, compassionate. I guess it's different because I wouldn't have had anymore if you'd paid me but she certainly isn't the only child stereotype.

Husband is one of 5. He only has contact with one of his siblings.

I am one of my 4. Close to one sibling only.

Siblings are utterly no guarantee of anything.

I have a late teen only dd. As she is very clever but struggles with ASD/ADHD and executive functioning, she does very poorly academically. But she is very competitive. So we can afford to pay for various supports for her, but also indulge her sportiness in a few sports (she's represented the country at world champs in 1, been on provincial teams 3 years in a row and some national trials in another, and is also winning national medals in the 3rd). She also have coaching qualifications in 2 of those - and has a full time job this summer in 1 of those, when most of her classmates in school are doing nothing but going on holidays.

We will be able to support her doing a uni course if she manages to get in there. But we are happy for her to go different ways (apprenticeship or practical roles). She may even become a professional sportsperson. And while we'd like her to become independent once she leaves school/education, we have the space for her to stay here. And she'll get this house when we're gone.

And being an only, I had time to give her my attention when smaller, to teach her to swim, to cook and bake, to build her independence at her pace and not need to worry about younger DCs needing more support etc.

I don't think you should ever feel guilty for things that are out of your control. Also I'm not sure why you would feel guilty?

A sibling by no means provides a friend for life, or even a happy play mate growing up, it could have infact brought about a lot of negatives to his life.
Having another child, for your first child is just crazy. So feeling guilty is really not needed, be kinder to yourself, I understand feeling sad and yearning yourself if you wanted another child, but not for your child.

Our DS is growing up as an only (not by choice) but it turns out it was best thing for all of us. He has a great life, as do we all. I don't think another child would have brought anything extra to our lives that we thought may have been missing, our DS is enough, more than enough.
I have a DB who I love, but my best mates are my go to people, not my DB, as will be the same for our DS, your friends become your family, my Best mate is like my sister, family xxx

Oh and don't listen to all that rubbish about it leaves your child to deal with you and their father when you both get old, that quite often falls to one sibling regardless of the actual number of siblings. So don't entertain that reasoning.

I'm counting down the minutes till the summer holidays, can't wait to have my only at home with me. (He's six) All the other parents seem worried about being at home with children who are going to fight amongst themselves all summer and are mentally preparing for the stress. (Based on conversations I've had at the school gates.)

I do feel guilty that he has asked for a sibling but the guilt is eased a bit by knowing he has cousins close in age, and we see them often.

My DD is an only child, she doesn't want any siblings and is happy being alone but that might be because she has a few cousins and lots of uncle and aunties who adore her like no other. Her dad is also an only child and he was quite happy growing up, never wanted a sibling either.

However, exDH lost both parents at the age of 23, he was very close to them but we don't know what life holds for us and he now says he still doesn't wish he had a sibling as things might have been harder as everything would've fallen on him. Some can argue he could have shared grief, however he's never had to share emotions with a sibling so he doesn't know any better. There are lots of ways to look at it and Everyone has their own perspective. The worst possible thing you could imagine has happened to ExDH, he still thinks he's better off alone because that's all he has ever known. Certain relatives on his side have told us to have another baby just because of what happened to ExDH but they never asked how I felt after having DD and if I am okay now. I don't think it's a reason for me to have another child. You haven't failed your son, you're probably doing a great job in every other way raising him.

@Thinkbiglittleone It really isn't rubbish. though. At least with siblings there's the chance that there might be support, though I agree totally that it doesn't always happen.

@VeryQuaintIrene it is very often is rubbish. All the people I know caring for their parents have siblings, who do nothing. And you only have to listen to the amount on here who do it alone, and know people.
Having a sibling is no guarantee of help, it's ridiculous reason to have another child.

These threads crop up daily and the responses are always the same.

Some people are fine being only children. Others struggle with it. My DS is an only, he's fine with it.

Ageing parents might not even be an issue. You don't know what the future holds.

It's silly in my opinion to feel guilty over something you have no control over. I could have given DS a sibling, still could in theory as I'm 33 and still fertile, but I don't want any more children. I don't feel any guilt whatsoever about it.

@Thinkbiglittleone you are right, I am one of 5. We lost our dad a couple of years ago, mums not too well and needs care so we take it in turns. We are all very close and love mum to bits but boy do we argue! It can be difficult trying to juggle jobs, kids etc along with the grievance. Some of us do more than the other and we argue saying everyone needs to the do same amount as there's also the mental and emotional side to it. it can be very hard and overwhelming dealing with a lost and seeing your mum in pain.

I am an only child, and if I am being 100% honest, it didn't bother me much as a child, however as an adult it has started to cause me a lot of worry (although I am naturally a very anxious person). I haven't had children of my own (through not finding a partner until a bit later in life) and I do worry about a future where I am left with no family (especially in old age). I am also very worried about being the only one responsible for my parents as they age, although as others have pointed out, it is no guarantee of help.

One plus side is that due to being the only child in the family, I have ended up inheriting quite a bit of money over the years (from grandparents etc). I'll probably never have financial worries in my life (which is something I am very grateful for).

Sorry that last part sounds a bit shallow, but it probably the only (or biggest) plus I can think of!

A friend is an only child. When his parents were frail and elderly, he felt it was better to deal with it alone, without needing to consult siblings and risk disagreement. He just cracked on with what he felt was best, ably supported by his wife and her family

I know two families where children's talents have been overlooked / not appreciated, as their siblings were even more talented in that field

I have siblings and it's a special bond for us, but it's not always so. My cousin feels closer to my sister than to her own siblings

And, families are more spread out than in the past, so siblings doesn't necessarily mean close, extended family nearby

And, looking at the financial mess UK is in, I think there are some very real advantages to small families ie not sharing inheritance

My DS is an only. Originally wanted 2, but due to medical issues would have had to delay TTC a second and by the time we could I didn't really want another. DS is happy being an only though.

Pros:
We don't have to worry about treating him fairly
We can afford more for him
We don't need a bigger house
No sibling rivalry, or feeling like the other sibling is the favourite
No worry about getting 2 children to different activities at the same time
DS is happy with his own company so doesn't feel the need to fit in or cowtow to peer pressure

Cons:
DS can be selfish
He will have no sibling support if and when something happens to DH and I.
We probably expect too much of him at times as we forget he is still a child, we don't have another sibling to remind us of that fact
He doesn't always have someone to play with on holiday.

There are plenty more pros and cons, but on balance I think it evens itself out.

You absolutely haven't failed your child by not providing a sibling. You tried, it didn't work out, that's not your fault. Obviously it's hard when you wanted one so much, and it's OK to be sad that you couldn't. But it's not a failure, so don't beat yourself up about it.

I am an only child. As a child I think I benefitted, had lots of opportunities my parents could not have afforded for more than one child and lots of time with my parents. As an adult I wish I had siblings. However, lots of this is because I also married an only child so my three children have no aunties, uncles or cousins and there is no one to share the care of two sets of elderly parents with. I have three children and yes there are lots of benefits for them to having siblings but there is also sibling jealousy.

To those saying that your children are ok being onlys, they may be now, however there is a good chance that they will feel differently when they are adults. That's what has happened to me.

Just being 100% honest.

I'm an only child, loved it as a kid and love it as an adult. Don't feel guilty, there is literally nothing to feel guilty about!

Why? I just ask as I am an only child, 33 now, and honestly wouldn't change it for the world.

This is not what I'm saying at all... I feel that way because both I and it appears my son wanted a sibling. That's why I feel I failed and he appears lonely. If it was your choice and it never came up with children it's different. Apologies if it wasn't clear

I have a sibling who I have never got on with and avoid at all costs. My DD is an only child she seems OK with it, I would have loved more children but exh didn't want any more children and I had no choice but to accept that at the time, current DH didn't want children as he is a lot older then me. I'm sad but I love my DD so much and she has had 100% support and Attention and I think that's why she has done so well in life