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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Talk to me if you are an only child or only have one child....

153 replies

Noangelbuthavingfun · 19/07/2023 12:35

Feel utterly emotionally drained. Am 46....one DS...wonderful. He is 12. Long story short we started trying for no 2 when he was 4. 4 miscarriages later including one on IVF and we kind of had to accept it wasn't meant to be and I'll never forgive myself for not trying sooner but...
AIBU to feel like I've failed DS. He asked the other day can he give a sibling and ut brought it all back....
So talk to me if you are an only child OR have only one child. Don't hold back .... pros and cons . I need balanced perspective. Thank you !

OP posts:
TeddySunflowers · 19/07/2023 12:38

You haven't failed your DS. Im sorry it didn't work out for you, having a second baby. But you did everything in your control that you could have done. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hope you're okay x

missy111 · 19/07/2023 12:39

I am an only child, and I have one child!
I had a lovely childhood, opportunities my parents couldn't have afforded if they had had more than 1. I took friends on holidays with us, probably when I was 12 onwards I think. I had no complaints overall
'My son will be an only, for various reasons. He has a wonderful life, again opportunities that we couldn't give 2 due to time and financial constraints. He has a busy social life, and we are lucky that he has friends nearby to play with. He is nearly 10, I asked him the other day if he wished he had siblings...the answer was a resounding no!

My husband has two brothers, who live 3hrs plus from us in diff directions, they never speak unless it's a necessity! My best friend has a sister, they rarely speak again unless necessary. So siblings don't necessarily mean much!

Hope this helps..

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2023 12:40

I was an only child and not by choice. Loved being an only. So quiet, loads loving parent interaction, holidays we wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise.
My friends have a mix of only or large gaps. They tend to take childs friend with them and plan more days out.

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2023 12:40

Husband has a sibling and they do not speak.

Luxell934 · 19/07/2023 12:42

You have haven’t failed your DS in any way. Lots of people only have one child. I actually think it’s a bit strange a 12 year old would even ask for a sibling now. By the time they are able to talk and interact with your son he would be a moody teen and then quickly an adult. The age gap would be huge.

What good would it do now for you to read about the negatives of being an only child?

Focus on the positives, financially it’s probably better for him and so much easier for the parents. He can do hobbies, clubs, go on holidays etc

In the end I think your more upset than your son would be.

waterst · 19/07/2023 12:44

I also have a 12yo only. The difference for us though is that we were very much "one and done", so don't feel the negative emotions.

She enjoys all of our attention and we are financially better off only having one, which she benefits from in various ways. We love being a small unit of 3.

I have occasionally worried about once we're gone, and that she won't have siblings as an older person, but then I remind myself that there's no guarantees she would have been close to siblings as an adult, plenty of people aren't.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 19/07/2023 12:45

Sorry number 2 didn't work out for you OP. We have 1dd. She's nearly 15 now. We are currently on holiday in Greece. Could we have afforded it with 2 teenagers? Who knows.

But I do know that we would be much worse off financially with another kid.

DD is kind, funny, caring, lots of friends. I don't feel like I have missed out on anything. In fact, I feel lucky that we have been able to give her so much.

Me and dh have 6 siblings between us and apart from 1 of my sisters, all siblings have only got 1 child. Not sure what that tells you 😁.

We get on with our siblings very well. Hang out with them etc, but I just never fancied another so I don't have the feeling that I am missing something.

RubberRuck · 19/07/2023 12:47

I'm an only and I am very happy that way.

The stereotype of only children is just that, a stereotype. All the onlys that I know are the complete opposite of the stereotype ... outgoing, friendly, sociable and not in the least bit selfish. And we know how to share!!!

I do have a strong, sometimes intense, relationship with my mum but I think that's more from being an only to a single parent rather than just an only.

SweetPetrichor · 19/07/2023 12:48

I’m an only child and wouldn’t swap it for the world. Having siblings wouldn’t guarantee a good relationship with them…and I’d have had to share my parents with them. I loved growing up with just my mum and dad. The only minor stress is now they are getting old and I know I don’t have anyone else to turn to to share the responsibility of looking out for them in their old age, but that’s not the end of the world…even if I had a sibling, they may have moved countries or fallen out and want nothing to do with the family. Having more family guarantees nothing.

Windercar · 19/07/2023 12:54

Your post is pretty offensive to those of us who have chosen to have one child. It’s sad you think I’ve failed my child because I don’t. In fact our relationship and home life is amazing so.

IkeaChair · 19/07/2023 13:00

Like any sort of grief, OP, working towards acceptance over time is key. Going over the past, focusing on regrets and ruminating about "pros and cons" of having an only child is very natural, but also unhelpful as we can't change the past and can only work with what we have in the present. I know this is easier said than done but I have had professional help to challenge unhelpful thoughts and it really has made a difference to me. Maybe mental health support would help you?

FWIW, I have an only DS and he's nearly 18 now. Having a large close group of friends has been key for him and I have always encouraged him to make friends and see them often. He's not lonely because of this. So I'd focus on encouraging your son to make a wide variety of friends through various activities etc if possible.

We all have our own path through life - for some this includes siblings and for others it doesn't. I hope you're able to come to terms with things and accept them as they are.

All the best.

Doremisofarsogood · 19/07/2023 13:01

I have one DD. The advantages are huge. More time, more money, more opportunities. She has a wide circle of friends, is really popular and can definitely share! She's content with her own company or with friends and I don't think she's missing out on anything by not having that close sibling relationship. We can give her opportunities that we probably couldn't have, had we had more DC. (Well I have a much older SC who is doing their own thing so not in the equation).
For us it's always been great being the 3 of us.

twistyizzy · 19/07/2023 13:03

I am an only, my dad was an only as was his mum. DD is an only and we planned it that way.
She has benefitted from being an only grandchild on 1 side too so although she has undivided attention she also has had cousins to play with.
She is gregarious and sociable with lots of friends.
We have the time and money to spend on her (private education, pony club etc) that we wouldn't with 2 DC.
I definitely haven't failed her by only having one, we have an amazing relationship and are very close. I have never for 1 second regretted only having 1 and she says she is happy not to have to share us with anyone.

unfor · 19/07/2023 13:05

I have an only child. It wasn't my choice, but I've come to really love it. We are very close and I like not having to split my attention and resources between children. There is also a big research study that shows that only children are happier: only-children-happier-competition-bullying

An only child is a happy child, says research

The more siblings children have, the unhappier they become, due to bullying and competition

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/nov/14/only-children-happier-competition-bullying

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2023 13:05

Windercar · 19/07/2023 12:54

Your post is pretty offensive to those of us who have chosen to have one child. It’s sad you think I’ve failed my child because I don’t. In fact our relationship and home life is amazing so.

She hasn’t said that at all. She was referencing herself not some random she didn’t even know existed until you posted.

My son is an only - his younger brother was stillborn. I think he’d say his only regret is that when his dad and I die nobody will know exactly how he feels or share his grief. In the meantime he’s had the monopoly on love and attention, that’s not a bad thing.

CalistoNoSolo · 19/07/2023 13:06

Dd is an only. She has a wonderful life and opportunities that wouldn't be available to her if she had a sibling. She is independent, kind, generous and resilient. She's never wanted a sibling, and I've never felt guilty she doesn't have one. Siblings can be horrible, and the number of threads on here about siblings constantly arguing and fighting shows that it's very common for them to not get along.

TeaKitten · 19/07/2023 13:06

Windercar · 19/07/2023 12:54

Your post is pretty offensive to those of us who have chosen to have one child. It’s sad you think I’ve failed my child because I don’t. In fact our relationship and home life is amazing so.

That’s unfair, this post is about OP and her hurt after failing to have a second after multiple miscarriages, it’s not about you and your situation is different. Claiming you are offended because OP has implied YOU have failed your child is OTT. She only mentioned her feelings about herself.

MintyCedric · 19/07/2023 13:11

Another only with an only here.

We’re both pretty happy and well adjusted.

Neither of us have ever longed for siblings. The only time it struck a raw nerve with me was when my dad was in hospital very I’ll and there was a gentleman opposite whose 4 adult kids were tag teaming looking after him and keeping their mum going during his stay.

But that was a few years ago and now I have more friends who have had to deal with elderly parents I know that siblings can be more trouble than help.

jeaux90 · 19/07/2023 13:12

I have DD14. So many advantages to having one. We have a really good life.

NatMoz · 19/07/2023 13:12

My little girl is only 19 months but will be an only. Not sure how I'd even have the time for self care with 2? I love the balance of my life right now.

She runs me ragged and financially we can manage with one but...2? I think my life would be pretty miserable and my mental health would plummet. It's just not worth it to me.

Flipflopflopflip · 19/07/2023 13:12

I am one and done. I can give my daughter more of my time, more holidays, days out, life experiences etc than I could if I had another child. She has her own large double bedroom, doesn't have to share anything at home. We have time to spend on playdates and time with friends etc so she has plenty of time with other children..and ones she likes, she could have hated another sibling, fighting like cat and dog! My mental health thanks me for not having another child!

CalistoNoSolo · 19/07/2023 13:13

Windercar · 19/07/2023 12:54

Your post is pretty offensive to those of us who have chosen to have one child. It’s sad you think I’ve failed my child because I don’t. In fact our relationship and home life is amazing so.

I chose to have one child and only one, and I don't find OP's post in the slightest bit offensive.

Brk · 19/07/2023 13:16

Sorry about your journey OP. Mine was similar.

DD longed for a sibling and definitely missed out on lots of play at home, but one day realised that she would inherit everything we have without needing to share with siblings and it has to be said she’s been quite chuffed about being an only child since then.

Badbadbunny · 19/07/2023 13:16

We have an only child. We'd have liked a second but it just didn't happen and we weren't "that" bothered to go through medical checks, IVF etc.

It's been absolutely fine. We've compensated by making sure he did lots of hobbies and activities where he met other people outside school. He benefitted massively by lots more "quality" time with us not having to share our time and attention. He's got a big circle of friends, both locally to home, in his Uni town, and online.

We've asked him many times over the years if he regretted not having a sibling and he always said no, what you've never had you don't miss, etc.

I think we were worried because both of our parents were "only ones" and constantly whinged about it and they both ensured neither me nor my OH were only ones, but neither of us have strong bonds with our relative siblings and are both pretty much non/low contact with them. I think it's different times now with the internet, social media, etc. My own parents were old when they had me and their childhoods was in the 40s and 50s so not even telephones, television, etc and certainly no radio, so I can understand how they felt more lonely and isolated without siblings, but they also had no extended family living nearby either so for both it was literally husband, wife and child, no uncles/aunts/cousins etc living nearby and no forms of contact other than school. As I say, different times now, and I do think it's one benefit of social media to bring people together who can't be together in person.

goldierocks · 19/07/2023 13:17

Hi @Noangelbuthavingfun

You've not failed your DS in the slightest. Even if he had a sibling, there is absolutely nothing that says they have to get on with each other. Just look at the number of threads about strained sibling relationships.

My DS is an only child. I had an accident when he was still a baby which meant I couldn't have any more children.

I've been a single mum since my DS was 10. Thankfully I've been able to work full-time. DS has benefitted from my sole attention, both emotionally and financially. I was able to afford 4 foreign school trips and some amazing holidays, which he never would have experienced if I had to stretch my salary between more siblings.

When he became ill and needed a week-long stay in hospital, I was able to stay with him without worrying about abandoning a sibling.

I've supported him well throughout uni, which would not have been possible if I had more children to consider.

I completely agree with all the other posters who have mentioned friendships. DS has always attended a number of activities in order to build a wide and varied friendship group. He often comments that he's so pleased to be an only!

It's difficult when the decision to have more children is taken out of your hands. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the time you get to focus on your DS.

Best of luck Flowers