Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

[Chocolatelover2023]

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

Just leave

And who gives a fuck if you dumping him makes him feel depressed.

Not. Your. Problem.

Oh my god. Don’t walk out. Run.

I wouldn't have stayed past day one, why would you live like that?

Why can't you leave? Do you not have enough money to pay for all the dogs stuff?

Thank you for the replies and the advice.
It really is real unfortunately.

I am looking for somewhere to rent and with the dogs I am not too sure if many letting agents / landlords would be willing to accept them.

The dogs are the only things that kept me sane in lockdown and in general.

I really thought maybe it was me who had the issues as that is what he has always led me to believe.
I live in a different city from my family/friends and only have him and his parents here.

His parents do the same re: not flushing the toilet. It really is disgusting.

I have currently left to stay with a friend in a different city trying to sort out a place to rent.

I can never understand it when people in relationships take responsibility for paying specific bills. Surely the most sensible option is just to pay all bills and groceries 50/50 or split according to your income? There is always going to be disparity otherwise

What an horrendous way to live it sounds intolerable.

Why on earth are you asking if it’s ok to leave an abuser you don’t even like?

Run and don’t look back. Let mummy deal with her giant overgrown baby and yes cancel the sky and broadband first

Nahhh, not trying to tell you what to do but you do need to leave this man.

He's scrimping and squeezing you (hygiene and regime-wise) to keep his part of the bills low, and then troughing away knowing that it's on your dime.
He is using and abusing you.
Proper sanitation is a must, as is the freedom to be able to clean yourself at will.

He sounds like a prize knobend, and personally I would be out the door and not looking back.

I don't often say LTB, but this definitely qualifies. I'm glad you're taking steps to get out. As pps have said, this is financial and emotional abuse. What a vile excuse of a man!

Totally understand re the dogs, it is a dilemma but you can't live like this. Hope you manage to find some way of taking them with you.

How greedy your partner is is immaterial in this one. You are not compatible and he is unfair and controlling.
Leave.
You can do better.
Being alone is better.

He cannot claim single person discount as he is not single!

This is fraud as for the rest hes taking the piss

@Chocolatelover2023 its quite simple. “I don’t want to love like this, it’s not working out, I’m finding somewhere to live.”. He can’t stop you. He’s a miser. This home is revolting. I really don’t see what’s stopping you. Leave him to his misery.

how on earth did his romancing early days capture you?

Tell him you are separating and will only pay half towards household bills until then.

put a Facebook post in some active, engaged community groups in areas you want to move to explaining you are employed, 2 well behaved dogs etc… and looking for a house/flat with private landlord in x area.

Save up deposit etc if you haven’t already got one.

be ready to move within 4 weeks.

A friend of mine managed to find a private landlord for her two children and two dogs within a week after doing this.

it’s one of the best ways of finding private landlords with word of mouth.

on the meantime telling he’s only eating lentil stew for the month and hide the goodies elsewhere in the house.

This sounds like a horrible way to live.

I was going to ask if you both had full time work as two people even earning minimum wage should not have to live like this (as you don’t mention any housing costs).

Then you said he has several buy to lets. He’s not skint just tight - move on and regain some quality of life.

If you as a couple are skint due to current interest rates etc get him to sell one of the buy to lets so you can live.

Can you imagine what sort of a landlord he is with his tenants if this is how he behaves with his partner!

He sounds horrible. Throw him back OP, there are better fish out there.

So you don't own property with him and you're not married, you have no children to take care of. Thank god for all that then! You are definitely being abused not only do you need housing support you need counselling - how did your self esteem get so low? Maybe the Freedom programme would help?

In the meantime, there are some organisations that can offer support if you are having to leave pets:

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/other-support-services/what-about-pets/

Although they use the phrase "domestic violence" that also means financial and emotional control and coercion which is definitely what you are suffering:

He sounds controlling and awful, eating in the dark, insane. Pack up and run

One that isn't on that list:

https://refuge4pets.org.uk/support-us/

So all these charities can offer support and sometimes fostering whilst you look for somewhere else to live.

Sounds an awful way to be living tbh. Do you really want to be living like this for the rest of your life? I would part ways, can’t bear a meanie.

What is he for? What positives does he bring to your life?

So you can't vote as you're not on the electoral role.
How long were you with him when you decided to move in? I always say give it at least 4 years so you can see what they are like. Have a relationship without living together.

Sorry but you’d not be getting me to stay in this life for some bloody dogs!

Landlords are no longer permitted to ban pets from rental properties. Rent anywhere you like and if you don't want to disclose you ave dogs before you move in, then don't. People do worse stuff every day and you need to get away from that awful manipulative abuser you live with asap.

I struggled to believe anyone would be daft enough to put up with an arrangement like this.