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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

494 replies

Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 12:00

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 21/07/2023 22:00

Hi OP,
I know you have said you have belongings back at your exes house. Is there much that is sentimental or expensive? If not perhaps don't go back. Just leave with the shirt on your back and rebuild e.g. use vinted etc to get you started. You shouldn't have to do that but it's better than risking your safety.

Alternatively would there be neutral people that could go and collect your belongings and nor disclose your address. You might find a police officer/community support or similar could accompany you by arrangement - you won't know unless you ask.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/07/2023 22:57

If you do need to collect your stuff, please don't go alone
The police can arrange to accompany you into the house( I had to do this)
Also get advice on a non molestation order(?) if it's still called that
He has the potential to be dangerous, I feel

PatternsinNature · 22/07/2023 03:29

Find somewhere else to live

Pay your own bills

You don't need him or his family to pay your bills

You are an adult

Tilllly · 22/07/2023 05:54

PatternsinNature · 22/07/2023 03:29

Find somewhere else to live

Pay your own bills

You don't need him or his family to pay your bills

You are an adult

She's doing her best. A bit of support and understanding is what's needed - you sound very harsh

FlyingMonkeyNever · 22/07/2023 07:52

I previously suggested you go back to get your things with other people in tow, whilst also thinking that may not be a good idea and that you may have to start again. In light of your update, I now also think you need to cut your losses and never go back. This man sounds unhinged. He’s blatantly lied to get you to go back. He’ll switch as soon as he or his family sets eyes on you. You know this, hence why you’ve mentioned the Police. I’d only go back if I had a Police escort. As him and his parents own the land (?), they are likely to refuse entry to anyone else you bring with you, except maybe the Police.

I wouldn’t worry about any possible lies, threats or stories he may tell others about you; that’s the least of your worries.

You’re lucky to have got away to spend some time with a friend. So, you’ve already got some basic items with you.

At least you had the good sense to keep working FT, so you have your own money to start again somewhere new. My mum was in a similar position when we left overnight with a bag each. I was a teen and my sister was preschool age. We never returned. We initially stayed with family for a few nights then we were in a refuge for a bit before my mum got on the property ladder in the 90’s. It was the best outcome for us.

Forwarn your employer so they can support you. They can’t be understanding if they’re not aware. They should allow you some time off, reduced hours, counselling services, lockers/secure space for your belongings, including alerting security in case your ex turns up, possible financial help such as an salary advance, etc.

Well done for contacting Women’s Aid.

Not only do I have personal experience, I also work in a sector that deals with this type of situation. You can do it. Good luck.

LuxuryGirl · 03/03/2024 18:10

This reply has been deleted

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Milkandnosugarplease · 03/03/2024 18:19

Oophs boyfriend has finally turned up 7 months later😂

Katemax82 · 03/03/2024 18:42

Leave him! He is financially abusing you in the worst way!!

BMW6 · 03/03/2024 18:48

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM LAST JULY FFS

mrlistersgelfbride · 03/03/2024 18:55

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How horrible.

I remember this thread. I really hope the OP dumped this parasite of a man and is now living her life freely and happily.

Zaxi · 03/03/2024 18:59

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Yeah. I'm reporting your shitty comment

DrSbaitso · 03/03/2024 19:01

Zaxi · 03/03/2024 18:59

Yeah. I'm reporting your shitty comment

I already did, but it might vanish faster if others do too.

Luxury Girl indeed...

Picoloangel · 03/03/2024 19:04

He’s absuve. If he tried to stop you from leaving, involve the police. If he harasses you apply for a non molestation order - you don’t need a lawyer. Contact women’s aid for advice.

leave him.

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2024 20:44

Move out, he’s abusive and controlling you as well as financially abusing you.

Universalsnail · 03/03/2024 21:03

Read this back to yourself.

Why are you in this relationship?

This is a controlling and financially abusive relationship

Blueuggboots · 03/03/2024 21:05

You need to recognise this is not normal. He is abusing you. Not being allowed to wash your clothes and turning lights off at a certain time is abusive!!

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/03/2024 08:30

This is an old post from july 2023

Untethered · 04/03/2024 08:34

@Chocolatelover2023 any chance you’re still on MN? Are you ok?

Mama1209 · 04/03/2024 14:41

mrlistersgelfbride · 03/03/2024 18:55

How horrible.

I remember this thread. I really hope the OP dumped this parasite of a man and is now living her life freely and happily.

Yes did you leave him OP?

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